I just found out tonight that my husband is having an emotional affair. We have been married for 20 years and are 41 years old. We have 4 children. Admittedly, the past few years have not been great. We were so busy raising children that our marriage kind of got pushed down on the priority list. We were busy running to sporting events and having birthday parties, etc. Last fall our eldest went off to college. This left a little void in our lives. I had a little more time and my husband lost "his buddy". I suddenly realized that I was lonely. My husband had become kind of robotic and was working crazy long hours. He is self employed and trying to get his career to work while also working a part time "stable" job for "Stable income". So seriously, he works a ton. I do know that he is for sure at work so I don't doubt that part. Well, about 2 months ago I posted on here that I had had a dream. My dream told me that I needed to work on my marriage or it was going to be too late. So the very next day I did just that. Actually, it all just kind of poured out of my mouth the next night- I confessed that I was lonely. My husband confessed that he saw us as roommates and nothing more. It was uncomfortable and horrible and wonderful too. Last year we had sex all of 10 times- it wasn't good. I do take full responsibility for putting my role as a mother ahead of my role as a wife and did not make my marriage a priority like I should have. I am not fully to blame, but I will take some blame for sure. So, once we talked it out things got kind of crazy between us. We were spending a lot more time together, lots of intimacy, and we both (at least seemed) happy. I had one glimpse one time that I thought my husband was facebook messaging someone and I asked him about it but he did not admit it so I let it go. Things were getting so good between us (in my eyes). Well, this morning my husband's phone made a weird noise. He was in the shower so I picked it up and saw that he had sent a message last night at 2 am to a woman saying that he loved her with lots of vulgarities. I immediately confronted him about it. He denied it and said he was drinking and didn't even remember writing. As the day went on I sent him an email saying to tell me if there was something he needed to tell me please. He said there was nothing to talk about- that the message was meant for me and he accidentally sent it to her and was embarrassed. I mostly believed him. Our names started with the same first 2 letters and could see where if you were drinking maybe you'd hit a wrong key. After our kids went to bed, however, I did a little more digging and found her pinterest account. To my surprise there were poems pinned with my husband's initials underneath...and even worse, there was a poem she had written and in the background was a photograph of my husband's office (his personal office- not just the building). I called my husband and asked him to come home from work and he did. I confronted him and he admitted to an EA- said it never got physical. She was an intern at his office and is 13 years younger than we are. She no longer works there. I am a bit dumbfounded right now. I want to move on and get through this but I'm not even sure where to start. Suggestions???
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Overcoming an EA
- Thread starter jnswd
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Watch out for trickle truth. At first, he was sending you an email while drinking. Then it was just an emotional affair. Apparently, the woman has been in his office, so he's been around her. If it turns out there was a physical side to the relationship, be prepared. It doesn't sound like he's established the fact that he is being honest with you on this. If you sense he is holding back information, there may be something to your instincts. I do hope it has only gone as far as an emotional affair and no longer.
Does this woman have any business reasons to be in your husband's office? is she married? Does your husband claim to be a Christian? If possible, he needs to tell her he's going to break off the relationship with her and tell her not to come around his office again. If they work together or do business together, it may be more difficult for him to get into a situation where he cannot see her. He needs to cut this relationship off with her and just get away from interacting with her if he can, IMO.
Ultimately, this is a spiritual problem. He needs to repent and be forgiven for this, and move past it. If you can move past this, too, then you both need to keep investing in your relationship.
Maybe a male accountability/prayer partner he can talk to will help.
It's good you paid attention to the dream and got right to work on the marriage.
Does this woman have any business reasons to be in your husband's office? is she married? Does your husband claim to be a Christian? If possible, he needs to tell her he's going to break off the relationship with her and tell her not to come around his office again. If they work together or do business together, it may be more difficult for him to get into a situation where he cannot see her. He needs to cut this relationship off with her and just get away from interacting with her if he can, IMO.
Ultimately, this is a spiritual problem. He needs to repent and be forgiven for this, and move past it. If you can move past this, too, then you both need to keep investing in your relationship.
Maybe a male accountability/prayer partner he can talk to will help.
It's good you paid attention to the dream and got right to work on the marriage.
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Unfortunately I do not have any advice for you other than to say that I am praying for you.
I am currently in a similar situation (found inappropriate things in my husbands phone which points to affair but he is saying that it never got physical - even though my gut says something different). I have been praying to God for guidance and waiting on Him to direct my path. I will say the same prayer for you, as connecting with Him through this difficult time has provided me with a level of peace as I wait for Him to direct our next steps.
I am currently in a similar situation (found inappropriate things in my husbands phone which points to affair but he is saying that it never got physical - even though my gut says something different). I have been praying to God for guidance and waiting on Him to direct my path. I will say the same prayer for you, as connecting with Him through this difficult time has provided me with a level of peace as I wait for Him to direct our next steps.
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Inkachu
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I really like the term "trickle truth" that Link used. That is a flashing red neon DANGER sign every time. It's a way of "leaking" bits of truth while trying to keep other parts hidden. It's a tactic used to put you off and keep you pacified, hoping you'll just drop the questions and stop asking. My 13 year old son does this, when confronted on certain things, and I have to call him out and tell him to just drop the nonsense and give me the truth or the consequences will be even worse. And inevitably, I find out much more than he originally wanted to tell me.
Anytime there is any type of betrayal of intimate trust like this, I advise immediate counseling for both spouses. This is an issue way too big to be dealt with online. Though I will gladly say a prayer for you!
Anytime there is any type of betrayal of intimate trust like this, I advise immediate counseling for both spouses. This is an issue way too big to be dealt with online. Though I will gladly say a prayer for you!
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akmom
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I like that term "trickle truth" too. It's so descriptive.
I think chances are, the full truth didn't come out on Confession #2. It sounds like he is confessing as little as possible, based on what you've discovered.
You could go on a spying expedition and probably find out a lot. But I'd be more interested in knowing his heart. Is he invested in the marriage now, and hiding the affair because he's ashamed? Or is he just trying to keep the family peace, and hiding the affair because he wants to keep it? In my opinion, that's all that's really important. (Unless there are serious consequences to address, like STDs or a pregnancy.) If you prepare yourself for the conversation and emphasize moving forward, maybe he will be able to give you an honest answer about that.
I think chances are, the full truth didn't come out on Confession #2. It sounds like he is confessing as little as possible, based on what you've discovered.
You could go on a spying expedition and probably find out a lot. But I'd be more interested in knowing his heart. Is he invested in the marriage now, and hiding the affair because he's ashamed? Or is he just trying to keep the family peace, and hiding the affair because he wants to keep it? In my opinion, that's all that's really important. (Unless there are serious consequences to address, like STDs or a pregnancy.) If you prepare yourself for the conversation and emphasize moving forward, maybe he will be able to give you an honest answer about that.
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The 'trickle truth' thing (not a term I coined) has to do with an adulterer (or someone else) telling a little detail here (we texted each other) the first time. When pressed later, they danced and bumped and grinded. The next time you talk about it, they kissed, but nothing more. Bits of information may contradict each other, or the adulterer release a little more information every time. Part of the adulterer may want to confess, even if to pacify the other partner. But there is also the motivation not to tell: fear of losing the marriage, shame, fear of the spouse's anger, fear of hurting the other spouse's feelings, etc.
I heard a Christian woman talk about confronting her husband about affairs. A man had called her from another place they'd lived in and said he was divorcing his wife and that she'd had an affair with her husband. She was devasted and depressed. Her husband confessed. But as she prayed, she realized the Lord was showing her that her husband had had others affairs and had been living a double life. He kept denying it. He also professed to be a Christian and was familiar with the Bible. One day when she confronted him, she told him, "Remember Ananias and Saphira" because she said the Lord was showing her that he'd had other affairs. She said he turned as white as a sheet and then confessed all of it. Apparently, they reconciled at least for some time after that.
I heard a Christian woman talk about confronting her husband about affairs. A man had called her from another place they'd lived in and said he was divorcing his wife and that she'd had an affair with her husband. She was devasted and depressed. Her husband confessed. But as she prayed, she realized the Lord was showing her that her husband had had others affairs and had been living a double life. He kept denying it. He also professed to be a Christian and was familiar with the Bible. One day when she confronted him, she told him, "Remember Ananias and Saphira" because she said the Lord was showing her that he'd had other affairs. She said he turned as white as a sheet and then confessed all of it. Apparently, they reconciled at least for some time after that.
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Confronting with Scripture. It still works sometimes! And I found it works often between professing Christians in adultery situations. There is nothing else to lose. No fear of "offending". When the person is half out the door anyway, it is not the time to hold back. At some point you have to simply lay it all out and the person has to decide.
It really is following God or not in that situation, apart from the marriage dynamics. And the offender's soul is as important as the marriage.
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I would discuss the following with him in as straight-forward a way as possible.
You may want to preface it with "If you don't want to discuss, then you can at least listen to what I have to say."
a. Sex or no sex is a smokescreen. Either way what he is doing is sinful, and adulterous:
Mat 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'
Mat 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
If he is sexting or whatever, it is the same idea, he is commiting adultery in his heart.
He needs to realize that he cannot be a Christian and continue willfully in adultery. Planning to do so for a while then repenting is just lying to himself. He may no longer feel the need to repent if his conscience becomes seared due to continually rejecting God's Spirit speaking to his heart.
b. He needs to cut off all contact with her and be willing to demonstrate such, including you having the right to check all his communications until such a time as trust is restored.
c. He needs to understand that feelings of infatuation he feels toward this person are temporary, as with any new romantic relationship, but if not fed will pass in time. He can feel the same way for you again if he will put in the time to re-connect.
d. He needs to decide right now if his feelings for this woman are worth more than the marriage and his family. Remind him how the kids will feel towards their father if he continues in this course. Pointing out real consequences is legitimate.
e. Indicate that if he is willing to stay in the marriage and family that you need to both go to counseling to work things out for a while.
f. Reiterate that you had a role in the family getting further apart previously, and let him know you are willing to forgive him and put the work into restoring your family (if you are at this point).
You may want to preface it with "If you don't want to discuss, then you can at least listen to what I have to say."
a. Sex or no sex is a smokescreen. Either way what he is doing is sinful, and adulterous:
Mat 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.'
Mat 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
If he is sexting or whatever, it is the same idea, he is commiting adultery in his heart.
He needs to realize that he cannot be a Christian and continue willfully in adultery. Planning to do so for a while then repenting is just lying to himself. He may no longer feel the need to repent if his conscience becomes seared due to continually rejecting God's Spirit speaking to his heart.
b. He needs to cut off all contact with her and be willing to demonstrate such, including you having the right to check all his communications until such a time as trust is restored.
c. He needs to understand that feelings of infatuation he feels toward this person are temporary, as with any new romantic relationship, but if not fed will pass in time. He can feel the same way for you again if he will put in the time to re-connect.
d. He needs to decide right now if his feelings for this woman are worth more than the marriage and his family. Remind him how the kids will feel towards their father if he continues in this course. Pointing out real consequences is legitimate.
e. Indicate that if he is willing to stay in the marriage and family that you need to both go to counseling to work things out for a while.
f. Reiterate that you had a role in the family getting further apart previously, and let him know you are willing to forgive him and put the work into restoring your family (if you are at this point).
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