Our teen daughter is pregnant

[TexasMustang]

Freshman in college, just found out she's pregnant. She's at home. Hasn't lifted a finger in two weeks. Won't even get out of bed. Won't get a job. Just wants to swim with friends and run around.

Baby daddy came up to see her (300 mile drive) on his own. Or so we thought. She stole $280 from us and sent it to him for expenses, then spent another $600 while he was here, paying for his (and probably her) hotel room, entertainment, gas, etc.

Baby daddy doesn't have a dime. He has no parents. Only grandparents, who live 700 miles away. They're old.

My daughter first said she was considering adoption, but is now leaning to keep the baby, hoping baby daddy will be around (he won't). She also said hopefully my wife and I would be willing to "step up", per her words. She said "it takes a village to raise a child", meaning she's going to mooch off of us every step of the way.

Well, I'm not so sure. We are in our mid to late 50s and are not in a place to start over. And my daughter will likely simply abdicate her parenting and dump the child upon us. I don't think this is fair to anyone involved, the baby especially. My daughter has ZERO interest in doing anything responsible. She continues to make precisely the wrong decisions, and it is getting her further and further into trouble. My wife and I feel like she has ruined our lives.

We so no viable alternative than to find a good, loving home for this child through adoption and give the child a fighting chance. But then again, another immature child is apparently going to make this call and impose her will upon us.

What are the thoughts out there on this?

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Freshman in college, just found out she's pregnant. She's at home. Hasn't lifted a finger in two weeks. Won't even get out of bed. Won't get a job. Just wants to swim with friends and run around.

Baby daddy came up to see her (300 mile drive) on his own. Or so we thought. She stole $280 from us and sent it to him for expenses, then spent another $600 while he was here, paying for his (and probably her) hotel room, entertainment, gas, etc.

Baby daddy doesn't have a dime. He has no parents. Only grandparents, who live 700 miles away. They're old.

My daughter first said she was considering adoption, but is now leaning to keep the baby, hoping baby daddy will be around (he won't). She also said hopefully my wife and I would be willing to "step up", per her words. She said "it takes a village to raise a child", meaning she's going to mooch off of us every step of the way.

Well, I'm not so sure. We are in our mid to late 50s and are not in a place to start over. And my daughter will likely simply abdicate her parenting and dump the child upon us. I don't think this is fair to anyone involved, the baby especially. My daughter has ZERO interest in doing anything responsible. She continues to make precisely the wrong decisions, and it is getting her further and further into trouble. My wife and I feel like she has ruined our lives.

We so no viable alternative than to find a good, loving home for this child through adoption and give the child a fighting chance. But then again, another immature child is apparently going to make this call and impose her will upon us.

What are the thoughts out there on this?

Welcome to CF. I'll be completely honest. Resentment is going to ruin your life, not your daughter or grandchild. My prayers for you.

 

[sandman]

In a crises ….you step up………this is not a crises.

This is a situation where bad decisions have been made….and possibly more to be made.

I would not push for adoption or keeping the child …because no matter what ….you would be the one who gets blamed.

She is an adult …put it on her. I would Let her know if she decides to keep it ….she has to find a place to live…otherwise you will be the caretakers and she will go right on being irresponsible…

This is not mean or hateful this is one of those really, really…. tough love situations.

Your tendency as a parent will be to cave….and she will learn nothing.

Give her your wisdom ….insight, and what the future may hold for her as an adult ….and let her make her decision….

 

[Blade]

Me.. as I have done with my kids is let them live here as long as they wanted. One had problems.. come back stay as long as you want. Giving up a child is a pain no one should ever experience. My mom gave up two girls. She was never the same and NEVER EVER talked about it. It never goes away. I would help both.. Jesus is LORD He will always make a way where there is no way. But we must ask and believe. We all fall.. what would we want..

 

[tturt]

In a dr's office waiting room recently and was surprised that over half the patients were raising their grandchildren on their own while others were helping.. Realize that's just a snap shot of about 30 people.

There were comments about the stress of keeping up with extracurricular including summer activities, and especically homework. Most enjoyed their grands while frank about how very difficult it was.

Do you think if you encourage adoption, she wont?

Wish there was a way for your daughter to get a wakeup call.

For starters, without giving her your financial info, does she know what things costs? Has she ever had a job?

 

[pdudgeon]

Hmmm. Yes, you do have options here. But the best option is still to keep and welcome the new child, bring him/her into your family, and give him/ her all the love and attention possible.
Meanwhile, finish raising your daughter and help her to learn how to be a good mother.
If you do all of this right, you will be raising an amazing human being or two, and the greatest lesson that they will both learn is how wonderful it is to have and to become dependable, loving people.
God doesn't give this opportunity to everyone, so don't throw it away, please. Remember, He will be right there helping you along the way.
He is entrusting you with a priceless treasure, and He will help you to live up to the challenge if you choose His way in this matter.
But if you run away from it He will stand aside and let you face your life all alone. Please don't do that!

 

[public hermit]

Freshman in college, just found out she's pregnant. She's at home. Hasn't lifted a finger in two weeks. Won't even get out of bed. Won't get a job. Just wants to swim with friends and run around.

Baby daddy came up to see her (300 mile drive) on his own. Or so we thought. She stole $280 from us and sent it to him for expenses, then spent another $600 while he was here, paying for his (and probably her) hotel room, entertainment, gas, etc.

Baby daddy doesn't have a dime. He has no parents. Only grandparents, who live 700 miles away. They're old.

My daughter first said she was considering adoption, but is now leaning to keep the baby, hoping baby daddy will be around (he won't). She also said hopefully my wife and I would be willing to "step up", per her words. She said "it takes a village to raise a child", meaning she's going to mooch off of us every step of the way.

Well, I'm not so sure. We are in our mid to late 50s and are not in a place to start over. And my daughter will likely simply abdicate her parenting and dump the child upon us. I don't think this is fair to anyone involved, the baby especially. My daughter has ZERO interest in doing anything responsible. She continues to make precisely the wrong decisions, and it is getting her further and further into trouble. My wife and I feel like she has ruined our lives.

We so no viable alternative than to find a good, loving home for this child through adoption and give the child a fighting chance. But then again, another immature child is apparently going to make this call and impose her will upon us.

What are the thoughts out there on this?

I gave my parents hell coming up. I didn't get pregnant, but I probably would have if I wasn't a dude. I grew out of it and my dad was loving and gracious throughout (my mom left). But when I lived in his house it was his rules, which encouraged my independence. Looking back, he did it right: he was loving and gracious, never throwing me out just because he didn't want to deal with me and didn't enable me but ensured I understood that his way was the only way in his house. I feel for you. It takes a lot to handle a problem child. Be good to yourself and your wife. Don't let her get in the way of y'all enjoying yourselves. Obviously, she might to some extent, but y'all have control of your own space. Whatever you do, don't spoil her or give her money for anything short of helping the child-assuming that's how it goes. Make her feel the need to move on responsibly, if possible, but do it with love and a smile. At least, that worked for me. I didn't stay home long. Lol

 

[wonderkins]

Wouldn't it just tear you up knowing your grandchild has been adopted out when he/she could be with you if it came to that? Even though it may not be ideal, I don't think I could live with that.

 

[TexasMustang]

Goodness, I never realized that considering adoption is something shameful. What about all of the Christian couples out there that are desperately wanting a family of their own but are unable to do so, while this child gets to grow up with no dad, and likely poverty, from day 1?

Thats a head scratcher. Guess I’m nuts.

 

[Hammster]

Freshman in college, just found out she's pregnant. She's at home. Hasn't lifted a finger in two weeks. Won't even get out of bed. Won't get a job. Just wants to swim with friends and run around.

Baby daddy came up to see her (300 mile drive) on his own. Or so we thought. She stole $280 from us and sent it to him for expenses, then spent another $600 while he was here, paying for his (and probably her) hotel room, entertainment, gas, etc.

Baby daddy doesn't have a dime. He has no parents. Only grandparents, who live 700 miles away. They're old.

My daughter first said she was considering adoption, but is now leaning to keep the baby, hoping baby daddy will be around (he won't). She also said hopefully my wife and I would be willing to "step up", per her words. She said "it takes a village to raise a child", meaning she's going to mooch off of us every step of the way.

Well, I'm not so sure. We are in our mid to late 50s and are not in a place to start over. And my daughter will likely simply abdicate her parenting and dump the child upon us. I don't think this is fair to anyone involved, the baby especially. My daughter has ZERO interest in doing anything responsible. She continues to make precisely the wrong decisions, and it is getting her further and further into trouble. My wife and I feel like she has ruined our lives.

We so no viable alternative than to find a good, loving home for this child through adoption and give the child a fighting chance. But then again, another immature child is apparently going to make this call and impose her will upon us.

What are the thoughts out there on this?

A couple of things. First, when are you going to take responsibility for this situation? You are the head of your family and are responsible for your daughter.

Two, since you are responsible, where you’ve failed your daughter, you now have the responsibility for her child until she marries.

I know it’s blunt, but that is how it is.

 

[public hermit]

Goodness, I never realized that considering adoption is something shameful. What about all of the Christian couples out there that are desperately wanting a family of their own but are unable to do so, while this child gets to grow up with no dad, and likely poverty, from day 1?

Thats a head scratcher. Guess I’m nuts.

I don't think there's anything shameful about adoption. It can be a practical necessity and beneficial for both mother and child, assuming a good home can be located. You're not nuts.

 

[TexasMustang]

A couple of things. First, when are you going to take responsibility for this situation? You are the head of your family and are responsible for your daughter.

Two, since you are responsible, where you’ve failed your daughter, you now have the responsibility for her child until she marries.

I know it’s blunt, but that is how it is.

Wow. The judgment on here is unbelievable. You people call yourselves Christ followers? I’m out. Newer again will I log on this forum. Disgusting.

 

[tturt]

I'm sorry that CF hasn't been supportive.

This is a difficult.situation.

As you said the decision will be made by a child.

Praying and asking the Lord to guide all.

 

[public hermit]

Wow. The judgment on here is unbelievable. You people call yourselves Christ followers? I’m out. Newer again will I log on this forum. Disgusting.

I'm also sorry C.F. has been less then supportive. You're going to see a full range of opinions here, mine included, but feeling judged is a rotten experience. The great thing about the opinions of others is that they don't matter. Do what seems good to you in the light of Christ, that's all any of us can do. May prayer is for the best for y'all.

 

[dqhall]

Freshman in college, just found out she's pregnant. She's at home. Hasn't lifted a finger in two weeks. Won't even get out of bed. Won't get a job. Just wants to swim with friends and run around.

Baby daddy came up to see her (300 mile drive) on his own. Or so we thought. She stole $280 from us and sent it to him for expenses, then spent another $600 while he was here, paying for his (and probably her) hotel room, entertainment, gas, etc.

Baby daddy doesn't have a dime. He has no parents. Only grandparents, who live 700 miles away. They're old.

My daughter first said she was considering adoption, but is now leaning to keep the baby, hoping baby daddy will be around (he won't). She also said hopefully my wife and I would be willing to "step up", per her words. She said "it takes a village to raise a child", meaning she's going to mooch off of us every step of the way.

Well, I'm not so sure. We are in our mid to late 50s and are not in a place to start over. And my daughter will likely simply abdicate her parenting and dump the child upon us. I don't think this is fair to anyone involved, the baby especially. My daughter has ZERO interest in doing anything responsible. She continues to make precisely the wrong decisions, and it is getting her further and further into trouble. My wife and I feel like she has ruined our lives.

We so no viable alternative than to find a good, loving home for this child through adoption and give the child a fighting chance. But then again, another immature child is apparently going to make this call and impose her will upon us.

What are the thoughts out there on this?

This is why Paul preached against fornication/premarital sex.

Years ago if this happened, the village recommended the father should marry the mother of his child.

 

[seeking.IAM]

I don't know if OP is still reading, but my perspective is a bit different. You have no responsibility to raise your grandchild. You have no responsibility to finacially support your daughter who is presumably an adult if in college. She only pushes responsibility onto you if you allow her to. You only help her if you want and decide to. It's her problem.

 

[Lost4words]

Do the right thing. Help your daughter no matter what.

Your grandchild will need you. An innocent life. A child of God. Dont fight to give the child away. Take responsibility.

Offer up your concerns to God. Lay them at His feet.

Be strong....

God bless you...

 

[disciple Clint]

Freshman in college, just found out she's pregnant. She's at home. Hasn't lifted a finger in two weeks. Won't even get out of bed. Won't get a job. Just wants to swim with friends and run around.

Baby daddy came up to see her (300 mile drive) on his own. Or so we thought. She stole $280 from us and sent it to him for expenses, then spent another $600 while he was here, paying for his (and probably her) hotel room, entertainment, gas, etc.

Baby daddy doesn't have a dime. He has no parents. Only grandparents, who live 700 miles away. They're old.

My daughter first said she was considering adoption, but is now leaning to keep the baby, hoping baby daddy will be around (he won't). She also said hopefully my wife and I would be willing to "step up", per her words. She said "it takes a village to raise a child", meaning she's going to mooch off of us every step of the way.

Well, I'm not so sure. We are in our mid to late 50s and are not in a place to start over. And my daughter will likely simply abdicate her parenting and dump the child upon us. I don't think this is fair to anyone involved, the baby especially. My daughter has ZERO interest in doing anything responsible. She continues to make precisely the wrong decisions, and it is getting her further and further into trouble. My wife and I feel like she has ruined our lives.

We so no viable alternative than to find a good, loving home for this child through adoption and give the child a fighting chance. But then again, another immature child is apparently going to make this call and impose her will upon us.

What are the thoughts out there on this?

Ok you asked for my thoughts, my first thought is that you are not thinking about the welfare of your grandchild, that's right, your grandchild, let that sink in a moment. You might want to step up and consider adopting your grandchild and raising that child, the rewards will be priceless. If you do that make certain that you go through all the legal steps because you do not want your daughter feeling like you stole her child when she gets a little order and more mature in her views. It would not be fair to you or the child to raise it to school age and then have to fight over custody. You are still young you could do this. Mean time I think your attorney might want to talk to the father and see what he intends to do, he needs to understand that he has some responsibility for the support of that child, he needs to understand that all his future wages can be subject to the recovery of those costs. If your daughter keeps the child and ends up on public assistance the Fed will come after him for those expenses, that should be a wake up call. Or if you elect to adopt the child he can escape all that by endorsing the adoption. So those are my thoughts, what are yours now?

 

[Hammster]

Wow. The judgment on here is unbelievable. You people call yourselves Christ followers? I’m out. Newer again will I log on this forum. Disgusting.

I’m sorry if you were looking for hand-holding and someone telling you it would be okay and that you were right, etc. But as a man, and even more so as a Christian man talking to another Christian man, someone needed to tell you the truth.

 

[tturt]

He seems overwhelmed and understandably so.

Yes Scripture says to take care of family and that includes the child being adopted.. Just because I couldn't, doesn't mean it's not the right decision for his family.

The OP doesn't state their physical condition, working status, their relationships with the daughter, etc. I know of adult children living in their parents'households who will not do anything but party for years. And they stole things and asks for cash constantly.

Or he and his wife could adopt the child. Let's see so at that child's high school graduation, they would be 74 yrs of age. Anybody try to keep up with a teenager at that age and be totally responsible for them.

Some responses seem without compassion or love.

The daughter has changed her mind and will probably continue to do for the next year. So the family will be in constant turmoil.

Haven't we been to a point where we can't handle one more thing? Yes God promises to help us and in this case, it could be to answer the prayer of a Christian couple who want a baby so much.