Prayer Request Our daughter

Benam

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We are having trouble with our 16 year old daughter. She's stunningly beautiful both physically as well as her personality and spirit. People are drawn to her and adore her. She's a youth group leader in our church (preteens and younger teens). Every younger girl around her idolizes her, and parents see her has an excellent role model for their kids. She has so many people wanting her to babysit that she has to turn many jobs down.

But lately she's been seeking attention from boys to a degree that isn't healthy or safe. I know it's normal for teen aged girls to want attention from boys, to have a boyfriend. But we've discovered that in the last 5 weeks alone she has:

1) broken up with her actual real boyfriend because he is too "boring". He was a nice kid who treated her with respect. Fine, fair enough, her call.

2) allowed a completely random 20 year old stranger who was drunk to kiss her (down town during Canada Day celebrations when we allowed her to go off to buy some food). She gave him her number and has been chatting with him daily since, and met up with him a couple of times too, lying to us in the process. As far as I can tell, other than a few kisses nothing else has happened. This guy is from another country and is only here for a few months on a work visa (professional soccer). Not OK in the slightest. Safety issue, highly inappropriate.

3) yet another boy who was an exchange student this past year and is now back home in his country, has been sending her "dick picks". Not ok at all. Especially because she thinks it's funny and didn't want to block him.

4) decided she loves yet another boy. He was also an exchange student at her christian school this past year for 4 months, and they remained digital pen-pals after he returned to his country. Less then 2 weeks ago he declared that he had feelings for her and suddenly they are "in love". Would be mostly harmless if it wasn't for the fact that it's on top of all these other things.

4) we have her phone now, for the time being, and it's constantly getting messages from boys. Some are kids we know and they are regular friends and nothing inappropriate is being said. Others are just a little too familiar with her, like they think they are her boyfriends. "Morning baby", "hi babe", etc.

5) decided she loves yet another boy. He was also an exchange student at her christian school this past year for 4 months, and they remained digital pen-pals after he returned to his country. Less then 2 weeks ago he declared that he had feelings for her and suddenly they are "in love". Would be mostly harmless if it wasn't for the fact that it's on top of all these other things.

She didn't try to defend her behavior, she cried and said she was sorry, that she knew the things she was doing were wrong. She swore up and down she was still a virgin (although we didn't ask) and that she just liked the attention.

She's torn between two worlds. On the one hand there is her faith, her family, and the values we've tried to instill in her. On the other is the peer pressure and this constant bombardment from the world that this kind of stuff is normal and ok and even a good thing.

Her mother and I have our share or marriage issues (as you can read in another post I made), but we're doing our best and trying to do better. Right now we're just really feeling defeated. We're scared for the souls of our children, frankly. Oh I know everyone sins, everyone makes mistakes, and she's not going to hell for messing up a few times. But we're really feeling like we've dropped the ball as parents and that they are heading down the wrong path because of us.

Anyway, this is more "rambly" than I intended. My main point was a prayer request. For my daughter, for our family, and more specifically for today.

I am taking my daughter out to lunch, just her and me, to chat about this stuff. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm scared I will say the wrong thing, ask the wrong question, and drive her away.

Please pray that God will give me courage, wisdom, grace, and every other tool I'll need. And most of all that he would give me the words to say.
 

Bluerose31

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We are having trouble with our 16 year old daughter. She's stunningly beautiful both physically as well as her personality and spirit. People are drawn to her and adore her. She's a youth group leader in our church (preteens and younger teens). Every younger girl around her idolizes her, and parents see her has an excellent role model for their kids. She has so many people wanting her to babysit that she has to turn many jobs down.

But lately she's been seeking attention from boys to a degree that isn't healthy or safe. I know it's normal for teen aged girls to want attention from boys, to have a boyfriend. But we've discovered that in the last 5 weeks alone she has:

1) broken up with her actual real boyfriend because he is too "boring". He was a nice kid who treated her with respect. Fine, fair enough, her call.

2) allowed a completely random 20 year old stranger who was drunk to kiss her (down town during Canada Day celebrations when we allowed her to go off to buy some food). She gave him her number and has been chatting with him daily since, and met up with him a couple of times too, lying to us in the process. As far as I can tell, other than a few kisses nothing else has happened. This guy is from another country and is only here for a few months on a work visa (professional soccer). Not OK in the slightest. Safety issue, highly inappropriate.

3) yet another boy who was an exchange student this past year and is now back home in his country, has been sending her "dick picks". Not ok at all. Especially because she thinks it's funny and didn't want to block him.

4) decided she loves yet another boy. He was also an exchange student at her christian school this past year for 4 months, and they remained digital pen-pals after he returned to his country. Less then 2 weeks ago he declared that he had feelings for her and suddenly they are "in love". Would be mostly harmless if it wasn't for the fact that it's on top of all these other things.

4) we have her phone now, for the time being, and it's constantly getting messages from boys. Some are kids we know and they are regular friends and nothing inappropriate is being said. Others are just a little too familiar with her, like they think they are her boyfriends. "Morning baby", "hi babe", etc.

5) decided she loves yet another boy. He was also an exchange student at her christian school this past year for 4 months, and they remained digital pen-pals after he returned to his country. Less then 2 weeks ago he declared that he had feelings for her and suddenly they are "in love". Would be mostly harmless if it wasn't for the fact that it's on top of all these other things.

She didn't try to defend her behavior, she cried and said she was sorry, that she knew the things she was doing were wrong. She swore up and down she was still a virgin (although we didn't ask) and that she just liked the attention.

She's torn between two worlds. On the one hand there is her faith, her family, and the values we've tried to instill in her. On the other is the peer pressure and this constant bombardment from the world that this kind of stuff is normal and ok and even a good thing.

Her mother and I have our share or marriage issues (as you can read in another post I made), but we're doing our best and trying to do better. Right now we're just really feeling defeated. We're scared for the souls of our children, frankly. Oh I know everyone sins, everyone makes mistakes, and she's not going to hell for messing up a few times. But we're really feeling like we've dropped the ball as parents and that they are heading down the wrong path because of us.

Anyway, this is more "rambly" than I intended. My main point was a prayer request. For my daughter, for our family, and more specifically for today.

I am taking my daughter out to lunch, just her and me, to chat about this stuff. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm scared I will say the wrong thing, ask the wrong question, and drive her away.

Please pray that God will give me courage, wisdom, grace, and every other tool I'll need. And most of all that he would give me the words to say.

Praying for your daughter.
 
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RaymondG

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Lunch is good. I would suggest going out with her more often.....movies, lunch etc... Give her the male attention so she will feel less of a need to get it from other males. And I would not talk about the situation again until she brings it up....I would just want to think about having good, fun, father-daughter time....
 
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JAM2b

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It sounds like you are taking the right steps. It's important to not let her be unsupervised when there is opportunity for her to be with guys, because inappropriate behavior can happen very quickly. She also might end up in a situation where she is saying no, but her wishes are not respected because of how trusting she is of guys she doesn't really know well and who are being inappropriate toward her.

It's normal for socially out-going teens to go through frequent relationships, but like you say it's not safe to do it the way she has been. Unfortunately, our kids are pulled into this sexually loose society which makes it feel safe and normal to them because "everybody is doing it." My son has fallen into this. They are exposed to graphic sexual talk, pictures, and videos so early and so frequently that it warps their perception.

I think it is a combination of technology, continuous access to media and online socializing. Things move so fast because they feel less insecure because their socializing isn't in person as much. This breeds more confidence when they are face to face with someone because they have already crossed boundaries online or through the phone and came out "ok" with that.

Teenagers have this sense of invulnerability because it doesn't feel like anything bad will happen to them. This can present itself as dare-devil, reckless behavior in boys, and sexual promiscuity in girls. Many teenage girls who get pregnant are shocked even though they know sex is how you get pregnant because they don't believe it will happen to them. I saw this a lot when I worked with teenaged moms in an outreach program that provided free daycare for the babies of teen moms if they stayed in school.
 
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Dave-W

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First off - welcome to the forums.

It sounds to me like your daughter is experiencing the adolescent hormone rush. It can trigger wave after wave of emotions and sexual urges. Being "in love" with a new guy every other day is how it hits some people. So is sexual curiosity. (Probably why she wants to keep seeing the "dick pics.")
It is also a time where her faith in and relationship with God is becoming her own. That can be some turbulent times for her.

Pray for her, let her know of your unconditional love and support, and be ready to comfort her when this all finally crashes down. Please do not be harsh or judgmental. That will drive a wedge between you 2.
 
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