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Ostracism and how it affects people

leothelioness

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*This article is copied and pasted from another forum I frequent.*

How often do we really stop and think if we might be ostracising or excluding someone in our life either intentionally or unintentionally? I don't think people realise just how painful and damaging (especially for the long term) ostracision can be. Those who have been on the receiving end know all to well what sort of impact it can have, particularly those who have suffered it for most or all of their lives (myself included).

I thought this could be a good discussion and something that we should all take the time to really reflect upon. I know that as Christians this should especially impact how we see our treatment of others.

 

Rhye

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I have a question: What about people who choose to isolate themselves? No matter how much help they get, how much love their receive, its always about them and never giving back. When you give, you receive, not because you want to or because you do it to get something in return, but its a natural cause and effect. Now I understand that some people are intentionally ostracized, abandoned and that is so different and you SEE the effects it causes. But what about those who are not, and yet feel the same effects?
 
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SnowyMacie

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Self-imposed ostracism is a mental disorder also known as an anti-social personality. I don't think that's within the same realm as a mentally healthy person who is ostracised by others.

Technically that would not be anti-social personality disorder, which actually is:

Diagnostic criteria for 301.7 Antisocial Personality Disorder

A. There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

(1) failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
(2) deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
(3) impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
(4) irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
(5) reckless disregard for safety of self or others
(6) consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
(7) lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

SOURCE: DSM IV

What most people call anti-social personality is probably something closer to a social phobia.
 
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MacFall

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When I was a child (from 9 to 10) I was almost completely ostracized for something that I did. I'll say what it was if anyone cares to ask, but I don't think it's important. The point is that the only people I had any interaction with were my classmates, who all despised me, and my family, who were complicit in the ostracism. At the age of 10 I was seriously contemplating suicide. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was the idea that I might go to hell if I did. And all of the friendships I had were ended during that period of time. They formed new connections and when I was once again permitted to associate with them, I was no longer welcome.

So I basically had no friends from that time until I graduated from high school. Yeah, I had those who cared about me out of a sense of Christian moral duty. And there was a gang of fellow social outcasts who were sort of my clique in high school. But it wasn't until I went away to college that I finally made real friendships again.

Being ostracized as a child completely crushed my social development, my self-esteem, and even my will to live. Moral of the story: don't do it. Not that anyone here should even need my anecdote to know that it's about the least Christian thing that anyone could do to another human being, other than prolonged physical abuse.
 
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Amber.ly

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1 point for home schooling! My classmates could never even attempt to leave me out

I've been excluded from groups or frozen out. It didn't mentally harm me or cause me emotional damage. Why? Because I was raised to have an independent mind and someone (or a group of someones) not liking me didn't end my world. It didn't even phase it.

Likewise, I have known people who I have no interest in friendship or interacting with. Do I go out of my way to hurt them or let them know my lack of interest in them? No. But I certainly will not encourage communication with them. Doesn't mean they aren't great, just that I would not get along with them.
 
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leothelioness

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Anti-social types fit into that criteria, though. It's also usually in conjunction with other mental illnesses such as NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). A lot of serial killers and violent criminals are anti-social types. Also, true anti-social disorders are far more severe than simple social phobias.

But, let's not derail the thread with asides.
 
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MacFall

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LOL@ "doesn't submit to authoriTAAAH" as a symptom.
 
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leothelioness

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I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, Mac. I think we have more in common than we realise as my experiences were similar, though maybe not quite as severe.
 
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MacFall

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1 point for home schooling! My classmates could never even attempt to leave me out

That might have been better for me. I didn't have any friends outside of school, but at least at home I wouldn't have been bullied.

...But then on the other hand, I was also afraid of my parents during that time. I wanted to get out of the house to get away from them, but the only place I was allowed to go was to school, where I could expect to be emotionally and physically beaten all day, every day. I almost packed up some essentials and ran away on many occasions. It was sheer lack of opportunity that kept me from doing so.
 
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Amber.ly

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The beauty of growing up is that no matter the crap dealt to you before, you can walk away from it all now. The scars will be there but they don't have to be wounds, they can heal.
 
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U

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I'm incredibly introverted, so to call what I've experienced ostracism probably isn't quite right as there is no one to blame for my lack of social acceptence except for myself. I've developed a pretty good personality regardless, but I'm stressed out by social situations, so I've never really had a period in my life (besides the early years) with too many friends. Weirdly, early in life - maybe before 10 years old - I was actually a pretty extroverted guy. But for whatever reason I did a 180 and became what I am today - a pretty thoughtful guy I think, but someone who finds it really hard to speak up and make friends. And that hurts. I've no one to blame but myself, but that doesn't make me feel much better.
 
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Nom De Guerre

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Better to be a man with a few close friends than many of facades... I don't mind having to ostracise myself from people; call me anti-social if you'd like, but I actually prefer the peaceful living for the most part (it's probably because most people have too many problems I really don't want to burden myself with). I have plenty of other things I can deal with from a whole bunch of people, I don't need more problems from "other" people.
 
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