Opposite Sex Friends In A Committed Relationship

[Khalliqa]

My boyfriend (who is Christian) has a "rule" which I've agreed to and have no problems with.. No outside opposite sex friends from our past lives.. moving forward we can meet "couples" together.. and we can have normal discourse and interaction with opposite sex coworkers but no matter how friendly we do not converse with them socially outside of work.. only if there is a necessary work related matter.. He says if we meet new people of the opposite sex it will be them meeting us as a couple...

Recently an old male friend of mine (who is Christian) reached out to me to say he's getting married and he wants to chat about real estate etc.. and he is in touch with my elder son as a career mentor.. and he wanted to invite myself and my boyfriend to his upcoming wedding. My boyfriend mentioned that he is uncomfortable because the guy is persistently wanting to stay in touch with me.. and he admitted that my having a prior friendship with him is the issue.. he said he would have felt more comfortable if I had a prior friendship with his soon to be wife than the other way around..

My bf believes that opposite sex friendships always harbor a degree of often unrealized sexual tension that run the risk of exploitation in vulnerable moments. Even if not with the woman definitely with the guy.

He points out I have a history of when relationships go bad seeking solace in friendships (like MANY human beings do)

Now to be fair my bf does not have any female friends.. he is very sociable.. he's charismatic and ladies swoon around him.. I almost didn't date him BECAUSE of this.. But after two years of knowing him he has shown himself to be very devoted.. very transparent and I realized I had no insecurities with him because of this.. When he asked the same of me.. I had no thoughts about it at all.. so initially- because of his example - it wasn't an issue until now..


He's not over possessive and I will admit his insecurity over this initially was a bit ego affirming but now it's starting to bother me for a few reasons (1) I DO miss my old male friend.. I'm somewhat of a social climber for my children and he's a Harvard educated.. former investment banker.. who's reformed his life and is dedicated to his girlfriend of five plus years.. we had a great friendship (2) I'm conflicted because I won't lie there is a degree of tension between us but we've been alone together and never did anything because we respect each other's commitments.. we would lose respect for one another if that happened.. (3) I have to also be honest I wouldn't feel comfortable with my boyfriend having some woman that he confides in around either.. and I admit that these are conflicting thoughts I'm trying to sort through right now..

All of this to say.. I'm bothered that these values of ours are cutting off good people in our lives.. I think our insecurities are getting in the way..

On the other hand.. he and I don't have cheating and insecurity problems like many couples.. and we take our problems directly to each other..

But being insular can make me wonder if this is weird lol.. healthy or unhealthy.. and since I'm on a Christian site.. I want to know if there is a biblical precedence for this attitude.

What say you?

 

[CrystalDragon]

I say insecurity is getting in the way if he's being really controlling, you shouldn't cut ties with old friends just because they're the opposite gender.

(And if one if you was bisexual than you'd have problems the other way, lol)

 

[Poppyseed78]

I think it depends on the situation. Has your bf met your friend? If not, would he feel more comfortable once meeting him? You mentioned there is some "tension" between you and the friend, and maybe your bf can sense it.

I tend to advise erring on the side of caution. Your bf's feelings should be the priority unless he is being unreasonable or controlling. However, when I was younger I dated a man who had a married female friend. He swore they were just friends, for years. Finally I broke up with him for other reasons. It turns out she is planning to leave her husband for my ex and they've already professed their love for one another (via social media). Who knows what's really going on, but I think it's safe to say their friendship was inappropriate. Some opposite-sex friendships are legit, and others aren't. It's best to maintain firm boundaries, especially when you realize that "tension" exists.

 

[JingshenBianxi]

2 Corinthians 6:14 - Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

also..

Ephesians 5:23 - For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

as well as..

1 Corinthians 11:3 - But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

and finally..

1 Corinthians 7:14 - For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Now the break down..

First and foremost, I want to assure you that this is NOTHING but LOVE coming your way in regards to this topic. I'm especially excited to respond because I have dealt with this very thing with my WIFE. And it has caused problems in our relationship early on. So my vantage point is coming from a MALE perspective that is rooted in Christian doctrine.

The scriptures I've presented to you is to simply display your boyfriend's point of view. If he is true to the faith, then you must realize that he is coming from a spiritual angle in regards to PROTECTING YOU from the adversary that is...the Devil. It may come off as...INSECURITY to you..because you are Atheist and the way you see things are not at all spiritual, rather it's carnal..aka...what you see. In dealing with my wife with this very same issue, I too didn't want her being close knit with OLD MALE FRIENDS, because I'm already prepared to GUIDE HER to the KINGDOM of GOD. These " old friends " of hers clearly were not doing that prior to her engaging with me, so in the LEADERSHIP ROLE my ONLY CONCERN is her SPIRITUAL development IN CHRIST JESUS. What made it very turbulent for me is that...SHE CLAIMS TO BE CHRISTIAN!! You would think, that she would understand why I wouldn't want her continuing friendships with other men while being with me but even she had an issue with it, which even now has me to realize that she may be a counterfeit Christian...(( whole other topic ))..

Anyway...so with your boyfriend...this could possibly be his same angle. Christians...Authentic ones...abide in the WORD OF GOD and live our lives ACCORDING TO IT. So in dealing with your boyfriend in this regard, realize that the WORD OF GOD is the reason for ALL OF THE THINGS HE DOES. If you want to understand him more...SEEK GOD. If not? You will experience TROUBLE. This is not an opinion, this will happen..simply based on the first scripture I posted to you.

1 Corinthians 7:14 is probably the scripture that he meditates ON in regards to being with YOU. His hope and prayer is that through his walk in Christ..it would then LEAD YOU to Christ. But in dealing with Christian men, you must never assume that the way we do things is based on atheistic type thinking. It's not. He is not INSECURE...He is very concerned with LEADING YOU to SALVATION through the relationship you two are in...and in very HUSBAND LIKE fashion..is already letting you know of the dangers that may come...which is through OLD MALE FRIENDS. As a man of God he is already seeing you AS POTENTIALLY...HIS WIFE. It is wise of him to already set boundaries in regards to the relationship and as the HEAD of YOU...based on sound Christian Doctrine..he is acting in direct obedience to sound wisdom from the Spirit of GOD as to how to conduct himself in the very relationship he's in with you.

Again, this will only help you move forward if your boyfriend is an authentic Christian. I'd highly suggest you have him read this response and observe his reaction. His reaction should confirm how you should proceed with him. I do hope this helps you a bit as well as encourages you. In all things he does...I pray it's in love. And only God...knows how true that is.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Not being in contact with ex-bfs/fiance/spouses is one thing. Because that stuff is how mistakes happen. Outside of that having friends of the opposite sex is normal and only worried about by people with insecurity issues. Having to meet you as a couple is a bit in between for me. More so if it needs to be done right away.

Me? One of my exs cousins (a woman) is someone I confided in when I was dating her cousin. Shes was very helpful and we talk on FB sometimes. She is married with kids. My wife has no issues with me talking to her. Or any girl really. Even if she doesn't know them. I guess for us we have total trust so its not an issue.

Despite you saying you two as a couple don't have insecurity issues, it actually sounds like he does. If you've each been honest with each other and showed faithful love then neither should be worried (unless one has evidence of something more then a friendship happening with someone else). To be frank I'd ask him, since hes a christian, if hes insecure because your an atheist and maybe he thinks you have "less morals". I know that sounds stupid but some christians who have dated atheist "worry" about them because they think their values are not the same. I know I did when talking to women online. Obviously I don't think that now.

On a side note, and you don't have to answer are you becoming christian at any point or is this just a christian/atheist relationship? I mean I'm not going to preach about it because I'm sure you know all that stuff. But both of you are going to have conflicts as time goes on because you both may have varied views on things. Like does he want you to start going to church if you marry? Because you don't want to marry and find out hes out to change you. Obviously as a christian we of course want to save people, but regardless we shouldn't go into marriage in hopes of that person changing.

Going by some of what you said like he went to Harvard and all that does it mean you two are maybe in your 30s/40s?

 

[Khalliqa]

I say insecurity is getting in the way if he's being really controlling, you shouldn't cut ties with old friends just because they're the opposite gender.

(And if one if you was bisexual than you'd have problems the other way, lol)

That's funny lol

 

[Khalliqa]

I think it depends on the situation. Has your bf met your friend? If not, would he feel more comfortable once meeting him? You mentioned there is some "tension" between you and the friend, and maybe your bf can sense it.

I tend to advise erring on the side of caution. Your bf's feelings should be the priority unless he is being unreasonable or controlling. However, when I was younger I dated a man who had a married female friend. He swore they were just friends, for years. Finally I broke up with him for other reasons. It turns out she is planning to leave her husband for my ex and they've already professed their love for one another (via social media). Who knows what's really going on, but I think it's safe to say their friendship was inappropriate. Some opposite-sex friendships are legit, and others aren't. It's best to maintain firm boundaries, especially when you realize that "tension" exists.

No, my bf has not met him. He does not want to. :-/ I want him to. I'm sure he'd like him.

Yes, there is tension between me and my old friend. But it is at a very low level of attraction the kind that tends to exist sometimes between opposite genders. I knew him before I met my bf and there was nothing before then either. We respect each other but I'm not romantically inclined towards him and neither is he towards me. He gave me advice and encouragement to date my current bf lol.

I agree with erring on the side of caution. That is why I am honest about my own insecurities. I'm not sure were this on the other foot that I would like it either. :-/Hence my conflict and I think because we both have these issues it works in a weird way.

Still, your last sentence is a wake up call. I think I've found something really good with him and don't want to screw it up. Thank you.

 

[Khalliqa]

2 Corinthians 6:14 - Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

also..

Ephesians 5:23 - For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.

as well as..

1 Corinthians 11:3 - But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

and finally..

1 Corinthians 7:14 - For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Now the break down..

First and foremost, I want to assure you that this is NOTHING but LOVE coming your way in regards to this topic. I'm especially excited to respond because I have dealt with this very thing with my WIFE. And it has caused problems in our relationship early on. So my vantage point is coming from a MALE perspective that is rooted in Christian doctrine.

The scriptures I've presented to you is to simply display your boyfriend's point of view. If he is true to the faith, then you must realize that he is coming from a spiritual angle in regards to PROTECTING YOU from the adversary that is...the Devil. It may come off as...INSECURITY to you..because you are Atheist and the way you see things are not at all spiritual, rather it's carnal..aka...what you see. In dealing with my wife with this very same issue, I too didn't want her being close knit with OLD MALE FRIENDS, because I'm already prepared to GUIDE HER to the KINGDOM of GOD. These " old friends " of hers clearly were not doing that prior to her engaging with me, so in the LEADERSHIP ROLE my ONLY CONCERN is her SPIRITUAL development IN CHRIST JESUS. What made it very turbulent for me is that...SHE CLAIMS TO BE CHRISTIAN!! You would think, that she would understand why I wouldn't want her continuing friendships with other men while being with me but even she had an issue with it, which even now has me to realize that she may be a counterfeit Christian...(( whole other topic ))..

Anyway...so with your boyfriend...this could possibly be his same angle. Christians...Authentic ones...abide in the WORD OF GOD and live our lives ACCORDING TO IT. So in dealing with your boyfriend in this regard, realize that the WORD OF GOD is the reason for ALL OF THE THINGS HE DOES. If you want to understand him more...SEEK GOD. If not? You will experience TROUBLE. This is not an opinion, this will happen..simply based on the first scripture I posted to you.

1 Corinthians 7:14 is probably the scripture that he meditates ON in regards to being with YOU. His hope and prayer is that through his walk in Christ..it would then LEAD YOU to Christ. But in dealing with Christian men, you must never assume that the way we do things is based on atheistic type thinking. It's not. He is not INSECURE...He is very concerned with LEADING YOU to SALVATION through the relationship you two are in...and in very HUSBAND LIKE fashion..is already letting you know of the dangers that may come...which is through OLD MALE FRIENDS. As a man of God he is already seeing you AS POTENTIALLY...HIS WIFE. It is wise of him to already set boundaries in regards to the relationship and as the HEAD of YOU...based on sound Christian Doctrine..he is acting in direct obedience to sound wisdom from the Spirit of GOD as to how to conduct himself in the very relationship he's in with you.

Again, this will only help you move forward if your boyfriend is an authentic Christian. I'd highly suggest you have him read this response and observe his reaction. His reaction should confirm how you should proceed with him. I do hope this helps you a bit as well as encourages you. In all things he does...I pray it's in love. And only God...knows how true that is.

I appreciate a male perspective. I am aware I'm on a Christian site and our relationship would be a curiosity at best to those I expose it to. I will say that early in our relationship I was clear that I was an atheist and he said it didn't bother him.. then I pressed him and said how do you feel dating someone your God says is going to hell.. He said it's not for him to decide my fate or think about it but to be an example of what is right and good (and he has at least most of the time lol) :-D

A little about me: Born/raised Christian - -inwardly questioning/rejecting the church, "Spiritual" in late teens - critical of Christianity , Muslim throughout 20s and 30s, Agnostic early 40s.. I'm 44 and an atheist.. My spiritual journey, studies etc.. are more ummm diverse and expansive than my bfs.. I know more about his religion than he knows about Islam, Buddhism, being spiritual, natural religions, agnosticism and atheism.. so I have more patience.. tolerance and understanding.. I can visit churches and other spiritual houses and extract the beauty of the principles for what they are.. We meet there because there is beauty in scripture.. no need to discuss what I reject about it because that's not a matter he can defend anyway. If he truly believes in god.. only god could address me.. I've only dated one atheist man in my life.. We were terribly incompatible.. because while atheism defines my answer to the god position.. It doesn't define my philosophy.. which is closer to Buddhist/humanist.. hence why 99.9% of my suitors have been theists.. As a woman of principle and discipline I tend to get along better with same..

To answer your question.. we are taking it one day at a time.. I'm not sure I'm ready for marriage.. We live off agreement and principle and support each other's character development. The most he has done is expose himself to evolution and the most I have done is celebrate Christmas.. and weirdly I love the way he prays over meals and we meet once a month to read a Christian devotional providing guidance regarding marriage. I know that's all over the place. But it works.

Does he have insecurities because I'm atheist specifically? You know? I've never asked him. I think I will. I do have my suspicions that he may feel some kind of way about leading the kind of mind I have.. But we will just have to see. We're pretty honest with one another so maybe we'll discuss it..

I'm not sold that we will inevitably have problems in the future.. He and I have discovered that what a person professes is less important that the character they actually display and the goals they want for themselves... If life presents challenges we have the foundation to tackle them and if not.. we both have experienced something wonderful from each other. I try not to think of the negative and am reveling in the positive. I love him deeply. He's the best man that's ever been in my life.

Also, I'm not averse to learning more about the Christian faith from his perspective as long as it's principled. I have a theory that if a man sacrifices himself greatly and is of great character.. the last thing he wants to do is to be worshipped.. He wants to be mimicked and followed.. so that others will grow and benefit.. The focus then is not on the person but one the principles behind his actions and thoughts.. The former (worship) feeds his ego and I don't see a good man needing that.. the latter ensures the principles he dies for lives on in others.. That makes more sense.. to me..

Because he's such a great example I did agree not to see my old friend.. but I'm wrestling with the decision.

 

[Khalliqa]

Not being in contact with ex-bfs/fiance/spouses is one thing. Because that stuff is how mistakes happen. Outside of that having friends of the opposite sex is normal and only worried about by people with insecurity issues. Having to meet you as a couple is a bit in between for me. More so if it needs to be done right away.

Me? One of my exs cousins (a woman) is someone I confided in when I was dating her cousin. Shes was very helpful and we talk on FB sometimes. She is married with kids. My wife has no issues with me talking to her. Or any girl really. Even if she doesn't know them. I guess for us we have total trust so its not an issue.

Despite you saying you two as a couple don't have insecurity issues, it actually sounds like he does. If you've each been honest with each other and showed faithful love then neither should be worried (unless one has evidence of something more then a friendship happening with someone else). To be frank I'd ask him, since hes a christian, if hes insecure because your an atheist and maybe he thinks you have "less morals". I know that sounds stupid but some christians who have dated atheist "worry" about them because they think their values are not the same. I know I did when talking to women online. Obviously I don't think that now.

On a side note, and you don't have to answer are you becoming christian at any point or is this just a christian/atheist relationship? I mean I'm not going to preach about it because I'm sure you know all that stuff. But both of you are going to have conflicts as time goes on because you both may have varied views on things. Like does he want you to start going to church if you marry? Because you don't want to marry and find out hes out to change you. Obviously as a christian we of course want to save people, but regardless we shouldn't go into marriage in hopes of that person changing.

Going by some of what you said like he went to Harvard and all that does it mean you two are maybe in your 30s/40s?

Hi

I don't think he thinks I have less morals.. but he has expressed that my behavior of going to past friends concerns him.. To be fair.. I divorced my ex husband after a faithful eleven years.. there were real problems in our marriage that were not healthy for me.. I did not have friends during my marriage and towards the end of our marriage I confided in a guy I'd just met who was something like a minister.. he was/is married and I ended up befriending him but within very very shaky bounds... As a result I ended up deciding to divorce my ex husband. But he was a catalyst and not the reason.. I told this to my bf who did not like that at all.. we even argued over whether I was right or not.. So, I think his concerns have SOME validity but our relationship is nothing like that and the situation is not even remotely the same :-/

My bf is 50 and I'm 44.

My old friend is 40.

I think he wants to change me.. but not too much.. He gives me reason to believe he likes a lot about me he just has some concerns.

After reading about your cousin. I do have a question. What makes you guys have total trust?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Hi

I don't think he thinks I have less morals.. but he has expressed that my behavior of going to past friends concerns him.. To be fair.. I divorced my ex husband after a faithful eleven years.. there were real problems in our marriage that were not healthy for me.. I did not have friends during my marriage and towards the end of our marriage I confided in a guy I'd just met who was something like a minister.. he was/is married and I ended up befriending him but within very very shaky bounds... As a result I ended up deciding to divorce my ex husband. But he was a catalyst and not the reason.. I told this to my bf who did not like that at all.. we even argued over whether I was right or not.. So, I think his concerns have SOME validity but our relationship is nothing like that and the situation is not even remotely the same :-/

My bf is 50 and I'm 44.

My old friend is 40.

I think he wants to change me.. but not too much.. He gives me reason to believe he likes a lot about me he just has some concerns.

After reading about your cousin. I do have a question. What makes you guys have total trust?

I see. Well it was my ex-fiances cousin. But yeah, my wife and I talk about everything. Even the most mundane detail to make sure there are no secrets or hidden things. Before we married we even discussed how often we brush our teeth. Do we pass gas away from people...etc. Silly I know lol.

I think that openness adds to trust. As for how does that make total trust. Well my wife knows about my past. She knows I never cheated or looked at another woman when I was with the previous two women. She has access to my facebook, email...etc so if she wanted she could check anytime and would see I've never been unfaithful/untrustful. Likewise I have access to all her stuff. We don't look at each other stuff, but we offer it as a good faith gesture to show we have nothing to hide. Thus no one looks because of the openness.

On my end I trust her because of her total openness about her past. And we did have an incident while engaged that happened but it opened our trust even more because she had told me about what happened. If it makes any difference shes a pastors daughter. Not that they are perfect. But it definitely added more trust. And maybe being we are both christians meant we are more willing to trust. That and past hurts causes people to be very picky about their future mate and more trusting to those who are honest and are loyal.

 

[JingshenBianxi]

I appreciate a male perspective. I am aware I'm on a Christian site and our relationship would be a curiosity at best to those I expose it to. I will say that early in our relationship I was clear that I was an atheist and he said it didn't bother him.. then I pressed him and said how do you feel dating someone your God says is going to hell.. He said it's not for him to decide my fate or think about it but to be an example of what is right and good (and he has at least most of the time lol) :-D

A little about me: Born/raised Christian - -inwardly questioning/rejecting the church, "Spiritual" in late teens - critical of Christianity , Muslim throughout 20s and 30s, Agnostic early 40s.. I'm 44 and an atheist.. My spiritual journey, studies etc.. are more ummm diverse and expansive than my bfs.. I know more about his religion than he knows about Islam, Buddhism, being spiritual, natural religions, agnosticism and atheism.. so I have more patience.. tolerance and understanding.. I can visit churches and other spiritual houses and extract the beauty of the principles for what they are.. We meet there because there is beauty in scripture.. no need to discuss what I reject about it because that's not a matter he can defend anyway. If he truly believes in god.. only god could address me.. I've only dated one atheist man in my life.. We were terribly incompatible.. because while atheism defines my answer to the god position.. It doesn't define my philosophy.. which is closer to Buddhist/humanist.. hence why 99.9% of my suitors have been theists.. As a woman of principle and discipline I tend to get along better with same..

To answer your question.. we are taking it one day at a time.. I'm not sure I'm ready for marriage.. We live off agreement and principle and support each other's character development. The most he has done is expose himself to evolution and the most I have done is celebrate Christmas.. and weirdly I love the way he prays over meals and we meet once a month to read a Christian devotional providing guidance regarding marriage. I know that's all over the place. But it works.

Does he have insecurities because I'm atheist specifically? You know? I've never asked him. I think I will. I do have my suspicions that he may feel some kind of way about leading the kind of mind I have.. But we will just have to see. We're pretty honest with one another so maybe we'll discuss it..

I'm not sold that we will inevitably have problems in the future.. He and I have discovered that what a person professes is less important that the character they actually display and the goals they want for themselves... If life presents challenges we have the foundation to tackle them and if not.. we both have experienced something wonderful from each other. I try not to think of the negative and am reveling in the positive. I love him deeply. He's the best man that's ever been in my life.

Also, I'm not averse to learning more about the Christian faith from his perspective as long as it's principled. I have a theory that if a man sacrifices himself greatly and is of great character.. the last thing he wants to do is to be worshipped.. He wants to be mimicked and followed.. so that others will grow and benefit.. The focus then is not on the person but one the principles behind his actions and thoughts.. The former (worship) feeds his ego and I don't see a good man needing that.. the latter ensures the principles he dies for lives on in others.. That makes more sense.. to me..

Because he's such a great example I did agree not to see my old friend.. but I'm wrestling with the decision.

1 Corinthians 5:11 - But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one.

This is what Apostle Paul says about a " so called brother "..aka...counterfeit Christian...this is what your boyfriend says..

" I will say that early in our relationship I was clear that I was an atheist and he said it didn't bother him.. then I pressed him and said how do you feel dating someone your God says is going to hell.. He said it's not for him to decide my fate "

Does it make sense for Paul to be seriously bothered with anyone who wears the name of Christ yet does NOT ADHERE to the Word of GOD in their life..yet your boyfriend who wears the name Christian not be bothered at all with someone who isn't even EQUALLY YOLKED with him as the scripture stated in my first reply?

Check this out..

Proverbs 14:12 - There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.

Your boyfriend seems to have lost sight of the cost of discipleship that is the Christian LIFE. It is to say...what you see in him may be " good " and " right "...but clearly being Christian is a call to obedience to His Word. So you being the honest one and very aware of this made it clear from the beginning in regards to where you stand in life..and it's not IN CHRIST. Had it been me, we would've never dated...so..at this point...from a CHRISTIAN perspective..not just a MALE one...I no longer have anything else to give in regards to what you should do moving forward. He's already shown signs of slowly falling from the vine that is Jesus Christ and if he's claiming to be Christian?...then I most definitely have nothing more to say because now I'm not even sure if he's actually Christian..

Counterfeits everywhere I'm afraid.

 

[Khalliqa]

Nothing Is Impossible: Thank you for your feedback... I'm getting that trust is tied to opennesss and communicating and being vulnerable with one another.. If that's correct.. that's a nice picture you've shared.. and you have no idea but tonight I really needed to read it..

Jing: Thank you for your feedback.. I understand if you think my bf counterfeit.. I'm not in a position to evaluate the purity of his belief.. I do assess his character and it's beautiful to me.. for me that's enough..