Written about my ex-wife... before we started dating, and before we were even in contact w/ each other... I guess I always knew it would be her... And perhaps I always knew it wouldn't last.... 
An opportunity lost
I can remember standing there. It seemed that I could not escape from the thought, no... the emotion that surrounded me. I know not that I will ever be able to recall the meaning behind that moment, though I often allow myself to drift back to that place. The air was warm but crisp; the sun was beginning to show itself over the distant eastern horizon. I could hear the sounds of birds chirping, of squirrels greeting the morning, and of the wind saying good-bye to the night. I recall those memories quite clearly, even to this day, for it was the moment that I realized of what I am about to tell.
My family often asks me what I'm thinking about at those moments; those times when I drift away to another time and place. They say that it's as though I have left my body, and nothing but an empty shell is left to take the place. I think perhaps they are correct, though I am not a scholar of the ways of the spirit. Still, those times are happening again and again. I find myself losing time and space - almost as if I have been asleep for a period. But I know where I am, and I am deeply aware of everything that happens... I even know why.
It was years ago now, how many I can't recall. It sounds odd to know not the time of such an important event; perhaps that's just the minds way of healing. I had a rough year, I'm sure... with life changing events occurring one after the other. And in the midst of it all was something that I never expected. Something I didn't see. Something that I take forever with me, even though it has passed me by.
That was the year I met her. I don't feel the need to share names or details, as they simply are no longer important. Alas, I have forgotten much of them anyway, but the way she looked, the way she smiled, even the way she smelled will never leave me. She was an angel of a being. Just the sound of her laughter would light up my day. I can remember how I felt the first time I saw her, how I felt that I somehow knew there was more to this meeting than just chance.
She was a strong woman; fiercely independent, yet softly delicate. She captured me that first day. I could not help but feel that our lives were designed to pass... no, I knew that our lives were meant to come together... but never figured out for what reason. She seemed scared of me at first. Not in a threatening or violent way, but simply afraid to open up to whom I could be. I seemed to understand that, and knew that it only served to help her open up to emotional possibilities in the future. You see, I immediately knew that she was scared to fall in love with me.
Oh, that may sound arrogant, even a bit conceited. But sometimes a man just knows these things, however impossible it may seem. Over the course of weeks, I had the wonderful opportunity to learn much about her. I persisted in my attempts to aid her in growing closer to me. And more than one time allowed me to be more open than comfortable if only to allow her to do the same. This approach worked for a period of many weeks, and we grew to be close friends. And as I grew to care for her more, I also knew that her fear of caring for me was growing as well. Ever determined to help her face that fear, I allowed myself the direction of kindness, of caring and of support; something I had long forgotten how to do. To say that I felt alive again would not nearly describe the emotions that I was encountering... I was genuinely excited for the coming opportunities.
Strange how the heart works, is it not? Someone once told me that I would not always have the luxury of choosing who I fall in love with. As if it were all up to chance, destiny as my friend would call it. I don't believe that... Well, I didn't at the time. Suffice it to say, I have since learned over the past many years, that I had fallen victim to this exact warning. As had someone else.
Allow me to get back to the story. After spending many hours talking with her, I came to believe that there indeed was hope. I often thought I could see the walls of caution falling away from her. Perhaps it was the glimmer in her eye, or simply that amazing smile that I am so grateful to have the opportunity to witness. Whatever it was, I could feel the longing in my heart growing.
Also growing was the ability to open up again. You see, I had built walls too. And while I coached her in ways to break through her fears, I too was wrestling with my own personal demons. I think I was winning the battle, or at least doing better than she was. After spending a few evenings together, she seemed to grow distant. I could feel her pulling away, as I knew was always a possibility. Hiding behind a shroud of differences, she found a way to convince herself that this flower she saw blooming was not destined to feel the warmth of the mid-day sun. As we talked, that last winter night, I could feel the clouds rolling their way in front of the life giving light, and the flower began to fall. As I said goodnight, I couldn't help but feel that I had just lost out on a wonderful opportunity.
As I replay these events in my mind, I know in my heart that the possibility was real and the emotions more so. I feel clued into the ways of nature, of God, as I relish in those memories. As many a God-fearing person will say, 'all things happen for a reason', and perhaps I'm starting to believe that. While I never had the opportunity to explore the depths of her heart, her being, I will always know that she touched my life for a reason. And I will always wonder what might have been.
As I sit on the porch, all these years later, reflecting on the more important moments in my life, I cannot help but allow myself to drift once again to that time. The warm glow of the candle reflecting off the glasses covering those amazing blue eyes. The smell of the clove cigarette drifting from the table near us. Or simply the sound of her voice, as we talked of why things cannot be. That was a good moment. And now, I feel I am a better man for knowing her. I sit here, looking at the lake and rocking in this old wooden chair, and I smile when I think of her. And while I will always believe that night penned our opportunity lost, I will too think that was a good time for me. And for her as well.
An opportunity lost
I can remember standing there. It seemed that I could not escape from the thought, no... the emotion that surrounded me. I know not that I will ever be able to recall the meaning behind that moment, though I often allow myself to drift back to that place. The air was warm but crisp; the sun was beginning to show itself over the distant eastern horizon. I could hear the sounds of birds chirping, of squirrels greeting the morning, and of the wind saying good-bye to the night. I recall those memories quite clearly, even to this day, for it was the moment that I realized of what I am about to tell.
My family often asks me what I'm thinking about at those moments; those times when I drift away to another time and place. They say that it's as though I have left my body, and nothing but an empty shell is left to take the place. I think perhaps they are correct, though I am not a scholar of the ways of the spirit. Still, those times are happening again and again. I find myself losing time and space - almost as if I have been asleep for a period. But I know where I am, and I am deeply aware of everything that happens... I even know why.
It was years ago now, how many I can't recall. It sounds odd to know not the time of such an important event; perhaps that's just the minds way of healing. I had a rough year, I'm sure... with life changing events occurring one after the other. And in the midst of it all was something that I never expected. Something I didn't see. Something that I take forever with me, even though it has passed me by.
That was the year I met her. I don't feel the need to share names or details, as they simply are no longer important. Alas, I have forgotten much of them anyway, but the way she looked, the way she smiled, even the way she smelled will never leave me. She was an angel of a being. Just the sound of her laughter would light up my day. I can remember how I felt the first time I saw her, how I felt that I somehow knew there was more to this meeting than just chance.
She was a strong woman; fiercely independent, yet softly delicate. She captured me that first day. I could not help but feel that our lives were designed to pass... no, I knew that our lives were meant to come together... but never figured out for what reason. She seemed scared of me at first. Not in a threatening or violent way, but simply afraid to open up to whom I could be. I seemed to understand that, and knew that it only served to help her open up to emotional possibilities in the future. You see, I immediately knew that she was scared to fall in love with me.
Oh, that may sound arrogant, even a bit conceited. But sometimes a man just knows these things, however impossible it may seem. Over the course of weeks, I had the wonderful opportunity to learn much about her. I persisted in my attempts to aid her in growing closer to me. And more than one time allowed me to be more open than comfortable if only to allow her to do the same. This approach worked for a period of many weeks, and we grew to be close friends. And as I grew to care for her more, I also knew that her fear of caring for me was growing as well. Ever determined to help her face that fear, I allowed myself the direction of kindness, of caring and of support; something I had long forgotten how to do. To say that I felt alive again would not nearly describe the emotions that I was encountering... I was genuinely excited for the coming opportunities.
Strange how the heart works, is it not? Someone once told me that I would not always have the luxury of choosing who I fall in love with. As if it were all up to chance, destiny as my friend would call it. I don't believe that... Well, I didn't at the time. Suffice it to say, I have since learned over the past many years, that I had fallen victim to this exact warning. As had someone else.
Allow me to get back to the story. After spending many hours talking with her, I came to believe that there indeed was hope. I often thought I could see the walls of caution falling away from her. Perhaps it was the glimmer in her eye, or simply that amazing smile that I am so grateful to have the opportunity to witness. Whatever it was, I could feel the longing in my heart growing.
Also growing was the ability to open up again. You see, I had built walls too. And while I coached her in ways to break through her fears, I too was wrestling with my own personal demons. I think I was winning the battle, or at least doing better than she was. After spending a few evenings together, she seemed to grow distant. I could feel her pulling away, as I knew was always a possibility. Hiding behind a shroud of differences, she found a way to convince herself that this flower she saw blooming was not destined to feel the warmth of the mid-day sun. As we talked, that last winter night, I could feel the clouds rolling their way in front of the life giving light, and the flower began to fall. As I said goodnight, I couldn't help but feel that I had just lost out on a wonderful opportunity.
As I replay these events in my mind, I know in my heart that the possibility was real and the emotions more so. I feel clued into the ways of nature, of God, as I relish in those memories. As many a God-fearing person will say, 'all things happen for a reason', and perhaps I'm starting to believe that. While I never had the opportunity to explore the depths of her heart, her being, I will always know that she touched my life for a reason. And I will always wonder what might have been.
As I sit on the porch, all these years later, reflecting on the more important moments in my life, I cannot help but allow myself to drift once again to that time. The warm glow of the candle reflecting off the glasses covering those amazing blue eyes. The smell of the clove cigarette drifting from the table near us. Or simply the sound of her voice, as we talked of why things cannot be. That was a good moment. And now, I feel I am a better man for knowing her. I sit here, looking at the lake and rocking in this old wooden chair, and I smile when I think of her. And while I will always believe that night penned our opportunity lost, I will too think that was a good time for me. And for her as well.
