Open Marriage versus Divorce when both are sins??

DF80 · Jul 21, 2018

I have been married for 18years and for the last 5 years, my husband has asked for us to join a swinger lifestyle as he feels this will bring the “spark” back. He says we have a wonderful sex life and marriage but he feels it needs more and that this is the only thing he feels is missing. This has been an off and on again arguement for years now. I have explained my feelings on why I think this is wrong and not what is meant for a marriage and that I only love him and only want to share that part of our life with him. His feeling is that I only feel this way because I have only ever been with him and that if I would just try that I would like it. I have explained I feel it’s adulterous and will only lead to problems and hurt feelings. I also was raised to believe that divorce is wrong and that God doesn’t recognize divorce so if I were to divorce him that I would still be committing adultry should I ever remarry or become involved intimately with someone else. I am at a loss for what to do?? Do I submit to him as instructed by the Bible or do we separate which is his only other option should I not give him this.

I have prayed and prayed for the lord to take these desires from him and have been open to anything he has wanted except other people. I love him and we have a lot of great things in our marriage and family but I can’t seem to help him to not want this and I understand he isn’t respecting me or our marriage by asking this continuously and giving me ultimatums. He says I’m a wonderful wife and mother. And he couldn’t ask for anything better than me except for this one thing.
I’m at a loss for what God would want me to do as a Christian and as a wife

Jane_Doe · Jul 21, 2018

Wow, your husband is WAY wrong here. No, don't indulge his adultery. Don't remotely go there- not even in the same universe. And yes, if he's looking at other women lustfully and entertaining that idea for years he's already committing adultery according to the Bible. Don't join him.

If anyone says to you "ditch God and do what I want instead" you need to RUN away from the situation. Not walk- RUN. You are being being spiritually and emotionally abused by this man. RUN.

Jane_Doe · Jul 21, 2018

Two more things--

--YOU cannot keep your husband from sinning. YOU cannot pray his sins away. He's got to come to Christ for himself in this regard. You are in NO way responsible for his sins- don't let anyone tell you this is somehow your fault, and don't tell yourself it's your fault. Choose today to serve Christ yourself.

--Christians differ on their views of when divorce is acceptable. Even the most conservative in that regard (example: Catholics) do not believe that separating from spouse is sinful, especially when said spouse urges you to commit mortal sin. Catholics also have annulments a marriage is invalid due to reasons like spiritual abuse. I'm not an expert in Catholic annulments, but if that's the boat you're in you can seek those experts.

SkyWriting · Jul 21, 2018

DF80 said:
I have been married for 18years and for the last 5 years, my husband has asked for us to join a swinger lifestyle as he feels this will bring the “spark” back. He says we have a wonderful sex life and marriage but he feels it needs more and that this is the only thing he feels is missing. This has been an off and on again arguement for years now. I have explained my feelings on why I think this is wrong and not what is meant for a marriage and that I only love him and only want to share that part of our life with him. His feeling is that I only feel this way because I have only ever been with him and that if I would just try that I would like it. I have explained I feel it’s adulterous and will only lead to problems and hurt feelings. I also was raised to believe that divorce is wrong and that God doesn’t recognize divorce so if I were to divorce him that I would still be committing adultry should I ever remarry or become involved intimately with someone else. I am at a loss for what to do?? Do I submit to him as instructed by the Bible or do we separate which is his only other option should I not give him this.

I have prayed and prayed for the lord to take these desires from him and have been open to anything he has wanted except other people. I love him and we have a lot of great things in our marriage and family but I can’t seem to help him to not want this and I understand he isn’t respecting me or our marriage by asking this continuously and giving me ultimatums. He says I’m a wonderful wife and mother. And he couldn’t ask for anything better than me except for this one thing.
I’m at a loss for what God would want me to do as a Christian and as a wife

Moses allowed for divorce. It's not ideal, but it is superior to infidelity.

cfyahoo08 · Jul 21, 2018

Tell him OK but you get to pick whom for him and for you.

then have him read about what happens to those urges left unchecked.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Carradine

Seriously not an easy situation to be in, pray for guidance and it will work out for the best eventually.

RDKirk · Jul 21, 2018

I'm sorry to say this, OP, but as a male, I suspect your husband is attempting to cover an existing black spot on the wall by painting the entire wall black.

I don't think this in itself is an issue to divorce over, but I do think you need to urge your husband to go with you to Christian counsel and for him to also (or at least) be counselled by other Christian men.

It's going to take other men to tell him that he's wrong.

Something I did years ago, from a tip by another Christian man: I have a brother in Christ whom I trust and love completely. He's my "Barnabas." As such, I've identified him to my wife (and talked at length to him as well), that whenever I seem to "go crazy" to my wife, she's to contact him, describe what I'm doing, and he's charged with reeling me back in.

dysert · Jul 21, 2018

"You're supposed to submit to me, so go rob that bank." or "You're supposed to submit to me, so go buy that porn for me." or "You're supposed to submit to me, so engage in an adultrous relationship."

Hopefully you can see how ridiculous this is. Submission (which is supposed to be mutual, btw) does not supersede what God has clearly outlined as His way for living. Don't even think about engaging in that lifestyle.

If he wants to divorce you because of your willingness to obey God rather than a man, then it's he who is divorcing you, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

mkgal1 · Jul 21, 2018

RDKirk said:
Something I did years ago, from a tip by another Christian man: I have a brother in Christ whom I trust and love completely. He's my "Barnabas." As such, I've identified him to my wife (and talked at length to him as well), that whenever I seem to "go crazy" to my wife, she's to contact him, describe what I'm doing, and he's charged with reeling me back in.

I just wanted to comment that I think that's a wonderful friend to have (and it's admirable that you've set all that up). It'd be so great if this were a regular practice promoted by churches for ALL marriages.

~Anastasia~ · Jul 21, 2018

RDKirk said:
I'm sorry to say this, OP, but as a male, I suspect your husband is attempting to cover an existing black spot on the wall by painting the entire wall black.

I don't think this in itself is an issue to divorce over, but I do think you need to urge your husband to go with you to Christian counsel and for him to also (or at least) be counselled by other Christian men.

It's going to take other men to tell him that he's wrong.

Something I did years ago, from a tip by another Christian man: I have a brother in Christ whom I trust and love completely. He's my "Barnabas." As such, I've identified him to my wife (and talked at length to him as well), that whenever I seem to "go crazy" to my wife, she's to contact him, describe what I'm doing, and he's charged with reeling me back in.

mkgal1 said:
I just wanted to comment that I think that's a wonderful friend to have (and it's admirable that you've set all that up). It'd be so great if this were a regular practice promoted by churches for ALL marriages.

I also am very impressed - what an outstanding idea! If all husbands would practice this, how wonderful.

~Anastasia~ · Jul 21, 2018

DF80 said:
I have been married for 18years and for the last 5 years, my husband has asked for us to join a swinger lifestyle as he feels this will bring the “spark” back. He says we have a wonderful sex life and marriage but he feels it needs more and that this is the only thing he feels is missing. This has been an off and on again arguement for years now. I have explained my feelings on why I think this is wrong and not what is meant for a marriage and that I only love him and only want to share that part of our life with him. His feeling is that I only feel this way because I have only ever been with him and that if I would just try that I would like it. I have explained I feel it’s adulterous and will only lead to problems and hurt feelings. I also was raised to believe that divorce is wrong and that God doesn’t recognize divorce so if I were to divorce him that I would still be committing adultry should I ever remarry or become involved intimately with someone else. I am at a loss for what to do?? Do I submit to him as instructed by the Bible or do we separate which is his only other option should I not give him this.

I have prayed and prayed for the lord to take these desires from him and have been open to anything he has wanted except other people. I love him and we have a lot of great things in our marriage and family but I can’t seem to help him to not want this and I understand he isn’t respecting me or our marriage by asking this continuously and giving me ultimatums. He says I’m a wonderful wife and mother. And he couldn’t ask for anything better than me except for this one thing.
I’m at a loss for what God would want me to do as a Christian and as a wife

Welcome to CF, though I'm really sorry you had to join to ask such a question.

No, absolutely, "submission" to your husband does NOT include his coercing you to sin. Absolutely no, never, not. And this is a chosen lifestyle of adultery, plain and simple.

Is your husband claiming Christ? I would seek immediate pastoral or Christian counseling.

And if he divorces you because you refuse to engage in sexual activity with others outside of your marriage, then he has broken the marriage vows by way of committing adultery. It isn't ideal (divorce never is) but you are not the party at fault. If it were necessary for you to remarry (to avoid sin) then you would be doing the better thing for the sake of your soul. Scripture says that if an unbeliever departs then the believing spouse is not under bondage.

I hope you can get counseling and his eyes can be opened. It's very strange (IMO) to claim that everything is good but yet want something like this. Either he's trying to justify something, or else has been titillated by something and refuses to give it up in the same way that sometimes can become addicted to porn - but this is more serious.

God be with you. Prayers for you, and for your marriage.

mkgal1 · Jul 21, 2018

~Anastasia~ said:
If all husbands would practice this, how wonderful.

I agree......but I don't see why it couldn't go both ways. It seems to me that wives also should have a friend that's in the same position (someone that's able to discern things without bias....just genuine love for the couple and what is right). What a huge difference that could make!

~Anastasia~ · Jul 21, 2018

mkgal1 said:
I agree......but I don't see why it couldn't go both ways. It seems to me that wives also should have a friend that's in the same position (someone that's able to discern things without bias....just genuine love for the couple and what is right). What a huge difference that could make!

I agree - I didn't mean to say that wives shouldn't. Only that I'm impressed by how our brother has handled the situation.

Dan61861 · Jul 21, 2018

If you travel this road, you will never be able to turn back the clock. You will never be able to erase the image of your husband with another woman. It will eventually lead to divorce. This truly isn't an option, let him know that. Your body is the temple of God, the Holy Spirit resides within you. It is meant to be shared with your husband alone.

If he is threatening divorce if you do not do this, then let him walk. Keep your dignity, by submitting to this you are headed towards divorce anyway. The Lord does give one exemption for divorce....infidelity. Paul says, if an unbeliever leaves...let them go, we are not bounder to them anylonger.

Seems like you are doing all you can to save your marriage, this is commendable. Just keep this option off the table.

In Christ
Daniel

Deidre32 · Jul 21, 2018

Not all divorces are sinful. Adultery, for example, would be grounds for divorce from even a Biblical perspective. I think that ''open marriages'' are wrong in every way, I don't care how people justify them, they will not bring a couple closer together. It's just basically wanting to be married for the benefits of marriage, but without the responsibility of the vows. Dating stops when you marry, I'll pray for your marriage that your husband seeks God to fill this void inside of him, instead of seeking something that isn't healthy. And as far as ''submission'' goes, we are not supposed to submit to our husbands in sin. That isn't what that passage means. Jesus wouldn't expect you to sin, in order to save your marriage. Jesus comes before our marriages, and your husband sounds like he is lost, right now.

Mountainmanbob · Jul 21, 2018

Never seen an open marriage stay very successful for any period of time.
M-Bob

OK Jeff · Jul 22, 2018

This is absolutely appalling he’d even suggest such a thing, and to try to use scripture to coerce you. Not gonna lie, I was mad by the time I read the OP. Don’t, DO NOT even consider going along with this abomination. Spirituality is fluid, sometimes the wife is stronger than I, sometimes I’m the stronger one. She and I are pretty good (usually) at letting the stronger one lead. And I’ll tell you what, she can lead with authority when I need it. Best case scenario, that’s what’s needed here. Worst case has been mentioned above. Stay strong sister, this is unacceptable.

Guy Incognito · Jul 25, 2018

There is zero scriptural support for this desire of his. This isn't a grey 'all things are lawful but not beneficial' thing, either. His desire to include others in the marriage bed is sin and wrong. You should not submit to this request.

Talk to your husband about marriage counseling with your pastor or a recommended and solid Christian counselor. Divorce is far from ideal, but if he commits adultery it would not be sin to divorce him.

I'll be praying for you and your husband, sister. I hope this can be resolved without divorce, and will be praying for healing and a strengthening for both of you.

Open Marriage versus Divorce when both are sins??

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