OPEN ADOPTION: I need your thoughts, stories and opinions!

[AJD495]

As many of you already know, my husband and I would love to have a family, and have already had a miscarriage a couple years ago. Anyways, we have always been open to the idea of adoption, and if we aren't able to get pregnant, we will adopt. We now have an oppourtunity to adopt a baby girl from birth. The mother is 7 months along, no drug abuse, great prenatal care, etc...private adoption, not through an agency and they know it is a little girl....the catch is, the mother and her family want to have an open adoption. She is wanting pictures, visits, coming to birthday parties, etc...The thought right away was that we are comfortable with sending her pictures, and with email/phone contact w/us to ask how she is, etc...but the friend that approached me w/this said they are really wanting visits for her and her family(she is only 16) So now we are really praying about this and thinking about it...to make sure we are going to make the right choice, because I somewhat feel like maybe its my pride getting in the way or something, well and the whole "unknown", I have also heard both sides...some people say that its best for the child so they don't feel like their birth parents abandoned them, know their history, etc..but on the other hand, the bonding between the child and adoptive parents would have to be hard, parenting styles, etc. and the list goes on and on lol..thats why i'm torn..so i'm hoping that maybe some of you out there have some stories to share about open adoptions, where visits w/the birth mother take place, and how that all works,and how it goes, if you would do it again, etc. or even any opinions or thoughts on what we should do, even just prayers are great too! lol I just don't want to screw this up, especially if this is our chance to start a family...so anything is accepted. thanks guys!!

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

I sent you a PM,Hopefully is helps.

 

[bliz]

Much depends upon how one defines "visits".

This could be a wonderful opportunity for you and for this little girl... Pray for clear direction from God.

 

[Leanna]

It depends on how often. I would not feel comfortable with birthday parties and regular visits. I would want an adopted child to have a life as close to "normal" as possible, and regular visits not only for the mom but for the grandparents (both sets???) and having all of those people at the birthday party would really feel like an invasion. I would be comfortable with something like... one day twice a year. Grandparents can pop in during that day. That's just how I feel about it though.

 

[shainamsu]

i know that i'm a couple of months late on this and you've probably taken care of it by now, but i would think that the vists, etc, are a mostly the mom wanting to make sure that you're being good to her child. My husband and i are foster parents, and we see a lot of open adoptions with extended family members, etc, and what they're really looking for is just to see that the child is okay. once they're assured that that's the case, the visits taper off 98% of the time. i think it's just more of the finality of it, knowing that there couldn't possibly be any more visits, etc. maybe if you said you were open to discussing her being as involved as is healthy for the child.....?

how did it go?

 

[Adonaija]

I would think a good compromise would be letters/pictures/phone calls on a regular basis.

Visits "X" times a year (I think twice would be good) for the first few years and then possibly increase over time based on the adjustment of the child etc.

Perhaps you could make your own website/blog that they could read-up on, on a regular basis?

What an awesome opportunity you have!

 

[SisterMoon]

My daughter is in an Open adoption. She placed a child for adoption 3 yrs ago. She chose the parents and they and my daughter agreed to two visits per year. I have been on the visits thus far. As another poster said, I will taper off. I know the fella is with some fine people and I don't worry about him a bit. I am thankful to God that he has LIFE and now has a chance at "A LIFE". I am not his grandmother and I would never "invade" on his birthday parties or other events. We meet a neutral place, and stay in different hotels. We have been to the beach, the zoo, and the adoptive family have joined us for a cook out at at my sisters home in another state. My DH and I recived emails and pictures about 3 times a year as well as a Christmas card picture.

This was the best choice for my daughter. It was a loving choice. I have found it is usually the "mother" of the pregnant daughter that is the biggest obstacle to adoption. Some mothers put on the "martyr" complex and really believe it is their duty to raise another child. I wasn't willing to do that and have been called "selfish" on numerous occasions. My response is..."this is not about me or my daugher"...It is what is "best" for the child.

 

[homeofmew]

you need it to take it from the kids view too, I am almost 24 and never have met my birth parents. It would be nice if I got to talk/see them once :/