Online rudeness

ChicanaRose said:

I'm sorry to hear...you told them you have Asperger's, right?

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Yes, and they took advantage of that fact to bully me.

VMaeLove said:

Lack of real consequence?

If you are mean at work you can be demoted or fired.
If you are mean at school you will not be invited to things and can be expelled.

If you are mean on the internet what can really punish you?

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If you are mean at school you get a detention.

Punishment for being mean online is having the account suspended . . . unless you are one of the bullies on a certain football message board. Somehow everyone got away with murder except me.

ChristianForCats said:

If you are mean at school you get a detention.

Punishment for being mean online is having the account suspended . . . unless you are one of the bullies on a certain football message board. Somehow everyone got away with murder except me.

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I guess a suspended account is not such a high stake for some people?

Tom Farebrother said:

Why is it so easy, and so tempting, to be rude online? Generally I think I try to be pretty polite but sometimes I post responses to threads that make me cringe when I read them later, things that make me sound like a petulant child. I don't say things like that in 'real life'. Something about the difference between talking to someone in person and posting on the internet makes it too easy to be snarky or over the top in responses, that's how it seems to me anyway.

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I've always had a more difficult time "sounding" the same online as I do in person. It's taken me years to learn how to communicate adequately in online discussions, which admittedly is still lacking.

I speak using body language more than most perhaps so communicating without that body language being a visible part of tonality is a particular challenge for me.

I can write and express emotion given more time, and write so well I very nearly went into journalism when I was younger however, online discussions are usually very fast paced where a thread can rush four pages ahead in the time it takes to write a well reasoned, well spoken, researched and sourced post. As a result, most posting ends up being fly by the seat of your pants by necessity. I get used to that type of response which overall is lacking in quality and often seems devoid of emotion.

I've tried to find a balance somewhere in there but it's a difficult balance to find. I think overall this a fault in online discussions, but it is the new medium for communication and we, as human beings, will eventually find the perfect balance given more time.

Online discussions are still very new for most of us and have changed in it's short existence; having gone from a medium where quality was highly valued to, with the advent of Twitter and Facebook, very fast paced discussions where quality was valued less than speed.

I do agree with you though, there are plenty of times I later cringe at the way I come across.

ChicanaRose said:

I also think it's important to read other people's post carefully before you respond, so that you don't end up taking what they said out of context. When in doubt, ask for a clarification on what they meant.

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I've tried that before though and it doesn't always work the way you think it should.

I was recently absolutely sure no one on earth could be as arrogant as this one poster was coming across, so I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and ask for clarification as to what was being said and in the end I was the one who looked like a jerk.

It would have been better if I would have written this person off as arrogant and put him on ignore in the beginning. It would have made me look less like a monster anyway.. lol.

I think people know exactly what they are doing and your just taking the bait when you try to clarify.

VMaeLove said:

I guess a suspended account is not such a high stake for some people?

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Because they could get away with it they did not care. All they cared about what getting ME banned.

Hazelelponi said:

I think people know exactly what they are doing and your just taking the bait when you try to clarify.

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You are very smart to avoid this entrapment.

I think there are many cases in which people have healthy debates and ongoing dialogues.

But there are some cases in which someone invites you to argue for the sake of arguing rather than agreeing to disagree or argue for the right cause.

It takes experience, observing patterns, and intuition to distinguish between the two.

Hazelelponi said:

I've tried that before though and it doesn't always work the way you think it should.

I was recently absolutely sure no one on Earth could be as arrogant as this one poster was coming across, so I tried to give the benefit of the doubt and ask for clarification as to what was being said and in the end I was the one who looked like a jerk.

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The same thing happened to me. I would spend half an hour writing a carefully thought out message only to get this reply: "Do you ever think before you post?"

It would have been better if I would have written this person off as arrogant and put him on ignore in the beginning. It would have made me look less like a monster anyway. LOL

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When I put people on my ignore list, other posters quoted them and I could still read their nasty posts. It is still not helpful to do that even if they know I am ignoring them.

I think people know exactly what they are doing and you're just taking the bait when you try to clarify.

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Oh yeah, the bullies even admitted they were giving me bait because they knew I mentally can't resist it. But every time I asked them to clarify, they did not answer the question.

ChicanaRose said:

You are very wise.

Another thing I've learned recently is how not to engage if I sense that someone is endlessly nitpicking. By this I mean, every time I explain, clarify, or defend myself, that statement also gets nitpicked.

Sometimes we need to learn to just let it go.

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Good council. I’m still learning to "just let it go". Did it today when I was about to post in American Politics. Lol, what a dead end that section is!

A counselor told me to let it go and that if I stop reacting, they will stop doing their crap. That is true if all I have a problem with is people giving me bait on purpose, but there also are those who make me mad in other ways such as telling obvious lies to other posters and saying they want the Jaguars to lose. There is no chance I will keep my fingers tied when people say, "I don't care if we win."

ChicanaRose said:

But there are some cases in which someone invites you to argue for the sake of arguing rather than agreeing to disagree or argue for the right cause.

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My ignore list is steadily growing for this reason. Life is too short for virtual drama or fisticuffs. I’d be better off keeping their vitriol off my screen.

I have ideas as to why....it has to do with SELF loathing, anger, feelings of LOW self worth.....

Not restricted to any one part of the internet either. I have a long list of members on this forum who have been blocked for rudeness.

LaBèlla said:

My ignore list is steadily growing for this reason. Life is too short for virtual drama or fisticuffs. I’d be better off keeping their vitriol off my screen.

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I have been on several different forums over the last 20 years, and and so far have only had to ignore 2 people. One was a mod over at Grace forums; and the other a teen member here.

Dave-W said:

I have been on several different forums over the last 20 years, and and so far have only had to ignore 2 people. One was a mod over at Grace forums; and the other a teen member here.

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I didn’t use the feature in the past at other venues because the moderators had a strict code of decorum. The other forums I attend are calm and very supportive. It’s a different topic but we work together and help one another.

RickardoHolmes said:

Not restricted to any one part of the internet either.

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And not restricted to the internet either. I recently decided to let someone have the last word and not respond any further. I don't need to be "right" with someone who will make up wrong (taking my words out of context, putting words into my mouth, making unfounded suggestions about me, etc.) just to be "right" himself. It is not in my job description to feed someone's appetite for ego or drama.

ChristianForCats said:

Oh yeah, the bullies even admitted they were giving me bait because they knew I mentally can't resist it. But every time I asked them to clarify, they did not answer the question.

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You took the high road because you are the one with class .

ChicanaRose said:

You took the high road because you are the one with class.

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I have no idea what that means, but there is no doubt in my mind if people respected me for what I am - just another person on Earth who has her own set of problems - I would never be mean back at them.

Back to the OP, is it really easier to make friends locally than online for most people who do it both ways?

ChristianForCats said:

Back to the OP, is it really easier to make friends locally than online for most people who do it both ways?

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I have done both and met many from the Internet in the past. But I’ve altered that in recent years and battened down the hatches. The climate has changed.

I will communicate with business connections privately, via Skype, email, and at conferences and events. Everything else is site specific. I don’t give out contact information, social media, or disclose other venues I frequent.

I think friendships are best cultivated with people you see in person. You get a clearer measure of their character, flaws, and avoid the ambiguity commonly found in this space. I invest in real-time connections. I think they’re richer in the long run.

While there are real people conversing through this medium I don’t equate it with offline discourse. They are markedly different. Reality is skewed to a greater degree and I liken this to a form of entertainment.

Tom Farebrother said:

Why is it so easy, and so tempting, to be rude online? Generally I think I try to be pretty polite but sometimes I post responses to threads that make me cringe when I read them later, things that make me sound like a petulant child. I don't say things like that in 'real life'. Something about the difference between talking to someone in person and posting on the internet makes it too easy to be snarky or over the top in responses, that's how it seems to me anyway.

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To echo what others have written, a lack of substantive consequences is definitely a factor, especially on sites where people are able to use aliases and never reveal their actual names. Most typically all that happens for petulant childish behavior or snark is to be given the online version of a time out or grounding. If matters escalate they can then be banned. But if being banned from an online community has any significant impact on one's life it may be to their own benefit that they are banned. Coming here for fellowship can be meaningful but it shouldn't ever be a substitute for social structure in real life. I sometimes worry when I see people in their post-youth / middle-age years, not young enough to still be in school or old enough to be retired, who seem to post all day long.

Ideally, people come onto forums like this one when they're finished with all they actually need to get done, so maybe their fuse isn't as long as it had been at the start of the day, and their brain isn't as sharp. Aggressions or frustrations of the day can be taken out online, tiredness can show. It's like how sometimes people who are known for being polite in person may honk more obnoxiously than necessary if stuck in traffic at the end of a trying or especially long day, or if hurried in the start of it. When behind a wheel on a freeway there's definitely more repercussions for serious misconduct than on a website, but more minor things like simply being a jerk and not letting the person in the lane next to you in, or honking at the car in front of you the second the light turns red to get a move on, there's less accountability than for the equivalant of that behavior at work or school. Similar for here.

I usually write my posts either when I'm stuck in the car in traffic (I don't drive, so I'm not posing a hazard, haha) or when I can't sleep / am procrastinating sleeping, or during times of stress, as a diversion. It's a way for me to wind my mind down or refocus it. It's why my posts are sometimes ridiculously long. I'm often no longer using a filter on my brain, I'm just dumping out all thoughts stuck in there.

I do have several friends from my personal life who are members here, but the majority on CF are strangers to me. I know them by their user names and the pictures they choose to represent themselves. It's very one-dimensional. We're reacting to written words, without the added benefit of tone, body expressions, or genuine familiarity. We're from very different backgrounds and ages. That was one of the appeals to me when I joined here in HS. On social media you primarily interact with your peers, family, friends of your family, neighbors. It's rarer to regularly interact with someone 50 years older than you who lives someplace you've never been and holds beliefs and views that are so unlike your own. I think it can be expansive in a healthy way, if you let it, but also be the cause of frustrations.