Online dating websites

[Zofran]

I hope people are okay with this kind of discussion.
Well, you see... like many other people, I've tried looking for women on online dating websites.
There's only one problem - they are simply not answering.
I've sent many, many messages to different women on these websites, but they don't seem to be interested.
It's quite difficult to see good results from these websites.
Anyone else have ever registered on a dating site and can share how it was for them?
And if you did, did you also encounter such a problem?
Thanks

 

[Greg J.]

My experience, which is not everyone's, is that the people that benefit the most from dating web sites are the ones who have personalities such that they do not need dating web sites. The trouble people have connecting to others in person doesn't go away by being online (in general). Even if it did, it shows up once you meet with that person.

IMO, dating websites are potentially useful if you are not only looking for an attractive mate. Attractive women have to put up with a lot of sludge from men who hope for a relationship that leads to sex relatively quickly. That's one reason you might not be hearing back from women. It would be an interesting experiment to add "premarital sex not acceptable to me because of God, the Son's will" to your profile and see if that helps—presuming you are looking for that kind of person because of God's will.

The best idea I've heard for finding an eventual spouse (for those having trouble due to their personality) is to learn how to be a non-touching friend to all the women you can without trying to advance the relationship. A really good start is to be proactive in introducing yourself to all kinds of people. You don't have to target the opposite gender to practice introducing yourself or practice chatting. "Hi, how are you? I'm <use your real name>."

Always be kind, generous, gracious, and painfully honest with all people. It requires sacrifice, but if you don't develop that habit, you don't have much hope of a lasting happy marriage.

If you're one of those people who can't chat about meaningless things, then try to figure out why another person is saying the things he/she is saying. You can connect to another person based on common feelings, not just common interests. Talk about how things made you feel, not just what you think about things.

If you're not involved with current events at all, you're going to run into big trouble for chatting longer than 5 seconds. You'd probably have to start attending events every week where you might meet new people of the kind you're looking for. Also, don't just be on the lookout for someone you like, watch for someone you are compatible with.

 

[dqhall]

I hope people are okay with this kind of discussion.
Well, you see... like many other people, I've tried looking for women on online dating websites.
There's only one problem - they are simply not answering.
I've sent many, many messages to different women on these websites, but they don't seem to be interested.
It's quite difficult to see good results from these websites.
Anyone else have ever registered on a dating site and can share how it was for them?
And if you did, did you also encounter such a problem?
Thanks

If you have a fine face and good build, a woman might like you. If you have a good job, that might be enough to attract some women.

About five years ago I tried online dating awhile. One woman wrote to me. She was a widow and her husband had committed suicide. She was on disability. We corresponded and talked on the phone. She told me over the phone she had written to every man in the area and only two responded. She was dating one, I was the other. I worried about her being Jewish. I backed off. Women were not writing back. I shut down online dating for a few years. Later I started up again. In the first few days I met a celibate Christian widow with children at home. We were seeing each other for four months and were talking about marriage. She informed me she had been dating someone else and liked him better. Deleted email address and phone number. I met another woman through online dating. We arranged to meet at a waterfront restaurant bar. I learned she is a bank assistant manager who owns three homes. On our first date she told me she wanted to have sex with me. I told her no. End of relationship. A woman in the next county liked my personality, but did not like my looks. She wrote if I were Irish, she would want to meet me. There was a 64 year old divorced woman who is obese living in my town. Her husband ran off with a younger woman and drained her retirement money. The other woman left her ex when his money was gone. We corresponded for months and called each other. I invited her to eat lunch at my home. I could have moved in with her, if I would have paid rent and shared my car. I worried about public opinion being against living with woman without marrying her. No longer dating her. I arranged a lunch date with a lady some distance to the north of me this past summer. She is a darling, but had a messy divorce and confessed a sex addiction. I did not ask for a second date. At age 59 a man does not want to lose control of his finances by marrying. Marriage is less common at my age. I noticed there are more younger women doing online dating than older women. A Colorado woman with a photo appearing like 20's or 30's wrote and asked if I were interested in starting a family with two children. I wrote back I am too old to start a project like that. Online dating is a way to learn other people's stories. I have been celibate for years.

Seek first the Kingdom of God. If you write to hundreds of women and no one responds, you might try a different area. Jesus taught, "Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened. Ask and you will receive." Be careful what you ask for.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Numbers game. You need to send out 20-30+ messages a day or more if you have the time. It can be the same thing of course, copy and paste job. If you do this, I guarantee you that you will get some responses. The reason you aren't getting responses is because most women have hundreds of messages to go through each day, odds are low she's gonna get to yours. So you have to send a bunch of messages and you'll eventually get some responses. Problem is guys dedicate way too much time on one profile and send one message and they wonder why they don't get a response. You and thousands of other guys are messaging that woman she couldn't possibly respond to all of them.

 

[Zofran]

Thanks for the replies guys. Yeah, like I thought, the reason for lack of replies was probably in part because of her receiving many messages from other men, and cant get to all of them.
Other than that, could it also be something wrong with my photos, or what I wrote about myself?
I'll describe what I put up in my profile -

The photo was taken in my home, as a selfie(myself holding the camera and taking the photo), with a very thin, "shy" smile. I don't often give a big smile in a photo.
Is smiling an important thing in this case?
Perhaps taking a photo outdoors was better than at home?
In the bio, I just wrote a short line saying I'm looking for a serious relationship and looking for a honest, mature woman. That's it.
What'd you say needs to be improved?

 

[Citanul]

In the bio, I just wrote a short line saying I'm looking for a serious relationship and looking for a honest, mature woman. That's it.

That's something you could improve, because that says absolutely nothing about you. You need to give women a reason to want to message you back (or be the ones to send the first message), and a generic and non-informative line like that isn't going to give them that reason.

That's not to say that improving your bio will automatically work, as people often assess profiles solely on the pictures. But those who take the time to look beyond the pictures are going to be more likely to contact someone with something of substance in their bio.

 

[Rigatoni]

I tried online dating off and on for a few years, and have been reconsidering it. But overall, I've never really had a good experience with it. Had the same problem, most women I messaged never replied back, at least not in the beginning. However, I learned not to take it personally since there were usually certain factors involved:

• Many who register are simply just curious or shy, and disappear after they start receiving messages.
• Many of them may already be chatting with someone else.
• Dating websites are often plagued with scammers or creeps, so that's something to keep in mind. I was chatting with someone recently who ended up removing her account because of an experience she had with another guy on the site, which was really frustrating; she was even polite enough to inform me in advance she was going to delete it.
• A good amount of members are superficial and immature, or simply not compatible, so it can take awhile to find the right person (even years). As mentioned above, seek God first and make Him your priority, and He will bless your pursuit.
• There's usually a limit to how many messages that can be received, and some might not receive yours as they've probably reached it.

The best way to get replies or initial messages from my experience is to be honest, concise and to the point about who you are (when describing yourself in your bio) and what you're looking for. Although, don't be too descriptive as not many members will want to spend too long reading. Just give them an idea and a reason to message you (i.e. to find out more about you). If you decide to send a message to someone, just be friendly and keep it short - mention a similar interest you noticed on their profile that intrigued you or ask a question about their bio (basically let them know you took the time to read it). Don't be too quick to reply back (usually wait until the next day or so) as replying too quickly might give them the wrong idea about what you're interested in. Sending a long-winded message in the beginning also might not get a lot of replies; take into account she might be shy.

In your description, make sure to state that you have a steady job, or are at least seriously pursuing a career. It also helps to mention if you're attending church or are at least involved in something, and not just a homebody or couch potato (no one wants to marry a potato). Your main profile picture is the first impression they will get of you, so it also helps to have one (and a couple others) that clearly shows what you look like and that you're living an active life, practicing hobbies, etc. Show them you're enjoying life and invite them to be a part of it. Quite a few guys, even myself in the beginning, make the mistake of thinking we can't be happy or enjoy life unless we finally find the right girl. But, she would be expecting us to already be mature and enjoying life beforehand. Being well-dressed in at least one of your pics doesn't hurt either; overall show them you take care of yourself, have confidence and don't dress sloppy.

If you do engage in a conversation with someone, small talk in the beginning or talking about mutual interests / what y'all have in common helps and builds trust. Afterwards, it might be a good idea to talk about deeper subjects, what she's looking for, etc. and basically open up more. If there's chemistry and y'all get along, move to another medium like phone conversation or social media, and eventually meet up in person; basically don't be a time-waster. Also be very careful to avoid members you're not compatible with; learn to detect them early on. Hope that helps bro.

 

[Greg J.]

Your photo matters. In line with the comments about your bio, it should actually look like you when you are in a positive mood. No smiles that look too forced. You needn't have a big smile, but you should look approachable to the kind of person you are looking for (some will want a big smile, some will dislike a big smile). It should not be a formal picture unless that reflects who you are (e.g., corporate executive, attorney, etc.). It should not be too informal, either.

Another experimental idea: ask someone who knows and likes you to write the bio for you. You can take the parts you like and quote them exactly in your bio, being sure the reader knows it was written by someone else. It would have to be handled carefully so it doesn't look like you're going overboard to describe how wonderful you are. In a past life, an employer told my friend (both of us consultants) that he didn't think I was capable of lying. Things like that would be good to include as long as you can relay it without seeming like you're wearing it as a badge (seeming arrogant).

All the responses to your OP have been from men. Perhaps you should toss out all our advice and ask some women (no fewer than 3).

 

[High Fidelity]

Not worth the money. Most of them are either full of inactive accounts, fake accounts or both.

I forget which one it was, but I think Match, less than 2-5% of the accounts are active.

 

[Zofran]

Thanks so much. I've read all of your replies about this, it's quite helpful, appreciate it.
In fact, I've reached a few conclusions about this, based on your advice's.
1. Photos on a dating site needs to be happy and confident, showing someone who has friends, hobbies, and not someone who looks lonely and sits at home most of the time.
2. Need to write in the bio about something that can ignite a woman's interest, like my career and employment, hobbies, and possibly religious/political views. Althouh I'm not confident about the last one.
3. Women receive a lot of messages. Even with all conditions in place, she can still ignore me.
4. The key is to message a lot of woman. As many as possible, maybe 50 a day or more.
5. I don't intend to tell any lies to a woman, but the key is probably to avoid telling her right on the beginning about personal problems or issues that might cause a bad impression.
6. Offering to move to a phone conversation too early might scare her and cause her to not want to continue any further contact. It needs to be done at a later stage, after some conversation.
7. On the date itself, make sure what you told her on the phone and on the dating site, matches what you say on the date.
Are all my conclusions correct?
Please let me know if anything is wrong, thanks

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

One thing to note success not guaranteed, but gives you your best shot.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

sure did.

met a girl online who was a fellow follower of Christ. had theological agreement, and were going to meet up and would've have been married by the end of that year.

i'll suffice it to say that I am very thankful to the LORD that it didn't happen.

 

[Rigatoni]

4. The key is to message a lot of woman. As many as possible, maybe 50 a day or more.

Just as long as you see some capatability with them and really take the time to read their bios / message them based on that, that should be fine. It might also help to take a personality test and share your type, as it helps with finding compatibility and shows your serious about a long lasting connection. I had positive results when sharing my personality type as well.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I took a year long break from online dating...until now. I was on the free sites, but this time I'm paying for a membership.

Back then...I was experiencing a lot of non-responses, and if they did respond...they either wounded up as pen-pals or people flaking about meeting in person. some just disappear after a few emails.

The women get tons of men emails in their inboxes, so you're just a # to them. As a man, you're caught up in a vast sea of emails from other men.

Some women do it to only inflate their egos, nothing more. (Had a real life female friend tell me this) Heck, some are probably married or involved.

What's said is, when I had quit. I kept seeing the same faces of the the same women I had already emailed (but was ignored) consantly ont he site.

Some were even getting frustrated themselves, and were posting **UPDATES** to their profiles on how they were getting sick of "Hey cutie" or just "Hey" or perverted stuff to them.

I had to chuckle, because I"m a complete gentleman that send rather well-written emails, only to be ignored by the very women complaining. And yet...they still remain there as permanent fixtures of the online dating world. I mean, what's it going to hurt to at least meet and greet for a half hour?

I've seen my share of profiles where in the description it just says, "Just ask" or "Ask me".

 

[Tokitee]

I did online dating a couple of times. I always wanted to ask if your profile is seen when they are doing background checks when you do your job application. I mean, I get nervous if they see my dating profile because it's there.

 

[Archer_on_Fire]

I tried the online dating site Christian Mingle. Most of the men wanted children. I don’t so that was a deal breaker. And some of them were way too conservative for my taste. One guy actually wanted a girl to join in with him for his daily devotional- at 4 in the morning.

I actually had better luck on Plenty of Fish although nothing significant came from it. Overall I thought online dating was a waste of time and embarrassing.