Ongoing suffering and grief from the separation of my ex partner

[Shession7]

Hello everyone, I hope you are having a most blessed day!
I'll try and keep this short and simple.
Basically I made the decision to separate from my ex boyfriend (who I was also engaged to and living with) of 5 years. I left him 5 months ago and I am still struggling to cope. I met someone else (not intentionally so quickly) but it just happened and he is the most wonderful person I have ever met and who also encouraged me to follow my faith in Jesus.
The reason why I left my ex partner was because he was completely unable to look after himself, and I would have to be totally responsible for him and his actions. For example he was in and out of jobs all of the time and we would always struggle for money. He would get extremely drunk and embarrass me in front of my family and friends. He was addicted to smoking cannabis and would always lie about it. These are just a few of the many things I could no longer cope with.
The problem now being that I still feel like I have to control his life in order for him to be stable and happy. I feel extremely sorry for him because he is just a total mess. He quickly got into a new relationship which he has admitted is not making him happy and was just a rebound and he still constantly tries to contact me and declare his love for me. I often ignore these attempts but some times I cave in and speak to him because I feel so guilty. But this is ruining my life because I can't 100 percent move on with my new partner. My new boyfriend is very understanding and sympathetic but he does admittedly get jealous occasionally and angry with my ex's attempts to get me back.
Another problem is that when I do speak to my ex and then after decide to ignore him again, he gets very angry and upset because he still has hope we will get back together which will never happen. It is my own fault for being in contact with him because I am giving him false hope but I have an instinct of caring for him and making sure he is okay but really this makes him worse. I don't feel like I can control this instinct because I haven't 100 percent let go, but I really want to so I can be happy.
I know that the devil uses the guilt emotion in order to manipulate you into sinful things but I still subside to it.
Please can someone give me some advice and support as to how I can let go of this behavior and forget about him, I am desperate here.
Thank you for reading

 

[Theodoric]

Your instincts are correct. The person you have described is parasitic, and you can't help him. He will continue to use you for as long as you continue to let him back into your life. Your new boyfriend, on the other hand, sounds like a decent guy.

It seems to me that you're risking the good relationship you currently have, out of a misplaced sense of guilt and responsibility toward your former (bad) boyfriend.

These people are very manipulative and will use false guilt to obtain what they want. Also, since you were together for five years, there were obviously aspects of that relationship that satisfied something in you, and it would be helpful to you to unpack some of that and recognize the good that was outweighed, in the end, by the bad.

But my advice is simply to quit your old boyfriend 100%. Otherwise this will end badly.

Easy for me to say, I realize, from out here. You hadn't mentioned, but are you active in a local church? A strong Singles ministry could be helpful as a local support network.

 

[Emli]

I would advice you to cut all contact with your ex completely. It is hurting you and your new relationship. And if your ex is still relying on you, then he will never learn how to take care of himself, so it is hurting him as well. Pray for him and encourage him to seek God, and trust that God will care for him according to His will.
He is not your responsibility, so there is no need to feel any guilt. God commands us even not to associate with those who live in sin, so ending your unhealthy friendship with him is most probably God's will in this situation. So you can move on knowing you have done the right thing.

 

[Tolworth John]

I made the decision to separate from my ex boyfriend (who I was also engaged to and living with) of 5 years.

he was in and out of jobs all of the time and we would always struggle for money

He would get extremely drunk and embarrass me in front of my family and friends. He was addicted to smoking cannabis and would always lie about it.

Why as a 'Christian' were you living with him.
Please learn from this experience and don't live with anyone untill you are ready to marry.
Boyfriend doesn't like it, he doesn't love you. It is that simple.

Either change your phone or block your x's number, ditto to email.

Try to learn from your x, any boy friend has to be working, saving money, not a drunkard, drug user, truthfull. In short run through what the bible discribes a Christian man should be and expect that standard.
The flip side is do you measure up as well as a Christian woman.

 

[Sketcher]

Don't talk to your ex anymore. You're not his mother. He doesn't even need his mother right now, just the swift kick in the rear that life gives him without an enabler.

 

[Andrew77]

Hello everyone, I hope you are having a most blessed day!
I'll try and keep this short and simple.
Basically I made the decision to separate from my ex boyfriend (who I was also engaged to and living with) of 5 years. I left him 5 months ago and I am still struggling to cope. I met someone else (not intentionally so quickly) but it just happened and he is the most wonderful person I have ever met and who also encouraged me to follow my faith in Jesus.
The reason why I left my ex partner was because he was completely unable to look after himself, and I would have to be totally responsible for him and his actions. For example he was in and out of jobs all of the time and we would always struggle for money. He would get extremely drunk and embarrass me in front of my family and friends. He was addicted to smoking cannabis and would always lie about it. These are just a few of the many things I could no longer cope with.
The problem now being that I still feel like I have to control his life in order for him to be stable and happy. I feel extremely sorry for him because he is just a total mess. He quickly got into a new relationship which he has admitted is not making him happy and was just a rebound and he still constantly tries to contact me and declare his love for me. I often ignore these attempts but some times I cave in and speak to him because I feel so guilty. But this is ruining my life because I can't 100 percent move on with my new partner. My new boyfriend is very understanding and sympathetic but he does admittedly get jealous occasionally and angry with my ex's attempts to get me back.
Another problem is that when I do speak to my ex and then after decide to ignore him again, he gets very angry and upset because he still has hope we will get back together which will never happen. It is my own fault for being in contact with him because I am giving him false hope but I have an instinct of caring for him and making sure he is okay but really this makes him worse. I don't feel like I can control this instinct because I haven't 100 percent let go, but I really want to so I can be happy.
I know that the devil uses the guilt emotion in order to manipulate you into sinful things but I still subside to it.
Please can someone give me some advice and support as to how I can let go of this behavior and forget about him, I am desperate here.
Thank you for reading

You can't fix anyone. You are not supposed to even try. There is only one Lord and Savior, and it isn't you.

Right now, you are setting yourself up for a disaster. There is no fix for this, no solution, no way to have a pain free way to avoid danger.

You simply have to let it go. You need to block this man. Block him 100%. You need to cut all communication, and all connections. Block his phone, his text, his instant message, his everything.

It's really that simple, and that hard. If you don't... you will destroy your entire life. I've met girls like you, that end up destroying multiple relationships, because they still talk to their first boyfriend. It does not work.

As long as you chain yourself to this boat anchor behind you, you'll never be able to get anywhere in life. Your boyfriend is way more understanding than he even should be. A man should never have anything to do with a woman that is still wrapped up in another man.

If I were this man, or if this man was on this forum, complaining that his girlfriend was still talking to an ex and obviously has feelings for this ex.... I would tell him to dump you and find a woman that is ready for a real relationship, and not wrapped up in an ex.

And it's not because you are bad.... or a terrible woman... you might be the best woman that I have met in my life.

I'm still going to dump you. Love triangles are disasters. They never work. That's why you see those in drama programs. Do you want to end up living out a drama? People rarely end up happy at the end of those.

So I'll say it once more, and for the last time. You break this off. You break it off now. As in RIGHT NOW.... You cut this cancer out of your life.

If you don't.... you'll end up needing a life of chemotherapy, and it's not going to be fun.

By the way, as a Christian, you are not supposed to be living with anyone, until you are married. If you were doing that, that's part of the reason you are having these problems. G-d does not bless people committing sin. Don't be sinning, living with someone you are not married to.