Ongoing battle ...

[JDDCH]

Hi, I'm new here though I've followed a few threads over time ocasionally. This past January ( well, December 31st at midnight ) I tried to kill myself with a medication overdose. ... failed, obviously.

I tried to kill myself for several reasons. For one, I live with severe chronic pain. 14 years ago I was injured(crushed the shoulder) and developed RSD (now called CRPS or Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome ) and the pain is so extreme that I just can't bare it at times. Another reason is that I've been waiting for years for surgeries that would help reduce the pain and I had just been told that the neuralogical damage is too extenssive and that it's too late for the surgeries. They can't do them now. ( They were going to stabalize the shoulder and do some re-positioning to lesson the pain ). Itas going to be a risky procedure anyway, but now I had been told there was no hope at all.

The pain was getting worse, they had found lumps in my arm and told me they were tumors. I have a large area on the back of my neck that keeps bleeding and they can't seem to make up their minds as to whether it's cancer or not.

I can't remember my childhood at all. Just little tiny blipverts here and there. My marriage had failed, which was 100% my fault, and I had moved back home with my mother ( across the country ) to stay with my mother ( my dad had passed away 5 years earlier ) in hopes that my past would come back to me.

On the evening of January 31, 2005, I took an overdose of medication and was found 10 hours later the next morning. I felt cheated and and dismayed ... and yet I felt I'd been given a second chance at life.

I still have the severe chronic pain. I still struggle with the desire to end life. ... but I don't act on it.

I have RSD/CRPS - stage 4. I'm 90% disabled and I live in severe pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. On top of that I have done things that I'm ashamed of and that haunts me which doesn't make matters any easier.

I tell others to utilize the support offered by others. That talking about what's on your mind helps and I'm not just blowing dust when I say that. I believe that.

So anyway ... that's where I'm at. I still see psychologists for depression and I'm on medications. I'm seeing many speciallists for the RSD/CRPS and I'm on many medications for the pain, and I have both a local and an online support base. ... I'm hoping that you will accept me in as part of my support base and include me as part of others.

--jd - just spilled his guts.

 

[bfly]

Wellcome jd,
I think you will find many here to support you and many here you can support.

I think you will find that most of us do have extremes we have been through in our lives, so we all have something to share that hopefully will help others along the way.

Seems you have had your share of pain within and out.

Some may hide it better than others but I think everyone has a story to tell.

I think you have realized God has a reason for you to live. It may be one person out there somewhere that your support may bring to Him.

I know you will be a blessing to many people on this forum and you will be talking with exeperience.

I pray you find many blessings here and I know you will be a blessing to many.

In His care, I am

 

[JDDCH]

Thank you :hugs:

It's not easy to 'spill it' per se but from what I've seen here so far I can see/feel the Hand of God at work. There are times, more that I wish I had to admit, that I pray for the end. I don't actively persue it, but I do pray for it. I see so many people struggling though. So many people in situations where they're just wanting to give up on life ... and I see others fighting for life against illness. Then others praying for someone to overcome illness. I see praise for miracles ... :s ... well, I get all choked-up. Life has value. We're here for a reason I know.

For me, personally ... I'm so torn it's not even funny. On one hand, I've been fighting for life for over a decade. Through severe pain that just never quits and gets stronger and stronger with every passing day. Now I find myself praying for death and I'm ashamed. ... I've promised not to try and take my own life again ... but it's a promise that's not easy to keep. ... but that's that.
... i think i'm rambling now. :s

Thank you for your reply and welcome. I do hope I can be of use to someone out there at some point and already I feel encouraged from you and others here.

I hope to learn more in my studies of the Bible while I'm here as well. So thank you all. ... 'n stuff.

--jd - kind of a mess these days but trying.

 

[Pats]

I'm glad you're posting here, JD. I know this is not usual for you and I think it shows how much you're growing through your situation.

 

[JDDCH]

my grandmother just stroked. she's bleeding into the brain. She's brain dead now and on respirators. ... They'll take her off the machines in the morning.

I've spent most every day with her for the last year or so. She's helped me through some pretty hard times. She makes the special gloves I have to wear on my arm to protect me from touching things.

... technically, this is a biggie. I'm kinda numb to it right now. ...

 

[HisJavajunkie]

JDDCH: I am glad that you are on here. I hope to here more from you, your experience and share some as well. Oh, that includes everyone as well.

 

[UnitynLove]

to encourge you to go on. God sees your struggle he sees what you are going through, keep the faith, He will never fail you.

 

[Pats]

This is shocking and horrible news about your grandma, JD. I forgot to mention in my earlier post that my prayers are with you.

Now my prayers are with you and your family more than ever. I am very sad to hear this news. But I am taking heart in the fact that your grandma knew the Lord. I hope that brings you some comfort.

6:20am wrything in pain, prayed for the Lord to end me, let the doggie out to tinkle

Perhaps He knows your mother needs you now.

I hope these words have brought you some encouragement, JD.

 

[JDDCH]

thank you for the words of support. ... she'll be taken off life support this morning. i just got back from the hospital ( from visiting her, not from one of my stays ) and seeing her there ... i just sorta fell apart. i'm not sure why. i just did. i'm numb, tears ran down my face. and i just stared, blankly, at her face.... almost as if i was seeing a stranger laying there.

part of me feels a loss. she's been very close to me and my mother. ... part of me, and i'm wrong to feel this way, feels like i've been cheated somehow. like it's not fair that she gets to die and not me. .... i haven't confided that part in anyone around me here. i don't think i want to. i'm ashamed of it. i'll talk to my shrink about it when i see him tomorrow, but my family doesn't need to be burdened with my pathetic problems on top of this.

i find myself becoming more and more aggitated with death. i hope the day doesn't come that i become angry with it. ...

*sigh* ...

 

[Pats]

Well... she did log in more years than you.

Pats---still prayin' for you

 

[JDDCH]

Well... she did log in more years than you.

Pats---still prayin' for you

good pointn but still.