One part of parenthood I don't like

[DZoolander]

is explaining to my daughter adult things like divorce.

Found out today that my father in law is getting a divorce. He came over to tell my wife and me the news. Our daughter overheard some of it, and asked what was going on after he left. There really isn't any way to sugarcoat it, and she is old enough to be told, so had to tell her "Looks like grandpa and nana are splitting up."

Of course that leads to the questions like "How come? Why do people split up? Does that mean I will never see her again?" (which is the question I disliked answering the most)

She's always known her as nana, nana has always been a fixture in her life, and now it's likely nana is gone from her life completely.

Oh well.

 

[mkgal1]

and now it's likely nana is gone from her life completely.

Wait. Why do you say that? Can't you all still maintain a relationship with her? I'm of the belief that, just because family members divorce, doesn't mean we should also divorce their spouses (if we enjoy having them in our lives, of course).

 

[Bumble Bee]

Oh, that's such a hard conversation! I don't look forward to having it with my little one. I pray that the Lord gives your whole family peace and understanding, that He heals all the broken hearts.

 

[DZoolander]

MkGal - Unfortunately I don't see that happening. How everything has gone down doesn't really endear her to my wife - and I don't see there being any sort of continued relationship.

 

[WolfGate]

MkGal - Unfortunately I don't see that happening. How everything has gone down doesn't really endear her to my wife - and I don't see there being any sort of continued relationship.

Sounds like there is more history here with your wife and her mother, which is unfortunate. It would be best for your daughter's sake if your wife was able to find a way to keep a relationship with her mother.

 

[mkgal1]

MkGal - Unfortunately I don't see that happening. How everything has gone down doesn't really endear her to my wife - and I don't see there being any sort of continued relationship.

Sounds like there is more history here with your wife and her mother, which is unfortunate. It would be best for your daughter's sake if your wife was able to find a way to keep a relationship with her mother.

I agree with WolfGate. I get the impression this is a stepmother to your wife....is that correct? Would it make a difference if it were a biological tie?

 

[DZoolander]

Yep - stepmother.

 

[DZoolander]

Not that my daughter really understands that whole dynamic.

 

[mkgal1]

Not that my daughter really understands that whole dynamic.

Well....to be fair....that's difficult for most of us adults to understand complicated dynamics like that.

I'm so grateful that neither of my parents remarried after their divorce (and I don't mean that as a judgment...just recognizing how less complex things were). We've watched some really horrific things unfold with friends and my husband's family members (things that most people would NEVER predict). Things get more complicated the more people that are involved.

 

[DZoolander]

Agreed.

People always get all surprised when I tell them that were I to get divorced or widowed, I would not get remarried. Now that I have kids, they're my priority and where my loyalty lays. I just have seen too many wacky things with how step parents handle step kids/etc - and I wouldn't even want to bring that possibility into the mix. I just don't need life-long companionship that much. It just isn't that important to me to wake up next to someone.

Not that this is in any real sense an example of THAT type of dysfunction...but...lol

 

[mkgal1]

Now that I have kids, they're my priority and where my loyalty lays. I just have seen too many wacky things with how step parents handle step kids/etc - and I wouldn't even want to bring that possibility into the mix. I just don't need life-long companionship that much. It just isn't that important to me to wake up next to someone.

Not that this is in any real sense an example of THAT type of dysfunction...but...lol

I feel the same way (now that I have a child--my priority is with her over any hypothetical future spouses/partners).

What I've seen with mixed family situations isn't so much about stepparents not treating their stepchildren equitably---but complicated things happening between the children when the parents have become dependent later in life. We know two people that actually lost their homes in retirement because of that (I don't want to get into too much detail...but one was because of a living trust where the 2nd spouse was never listed...and the other became incapacitated mentally and was taken advantage of at the expense of the stepparent).

But doesn't this imbalance of loyalty play into this situation (in reverse)? Isn't your wife having to choose her dad (because of biology...loyalty) over a stepmother (and your daughter is "losing" a grandparent)? Has your wife spoken with her stepmom--to get "her side"? It must be difficult for you, because your daughter is sort of "collateral damage" but you don't really have too much influence in the whole thing (I would guess). You can't really dictate how your wife ought to feel or react. That's up to her.

 

[WolfGate]

Agreed.

People always get all surprised when I tell them that were I to get divorced or widowed, I would not get remarried. Now that I have kids, they're my priority and where my loyalty lays.

Perhaps if I were widowed or divorced I could say that, but being married to the mother of my children I have to say that she is my priority - or perhaps more specifically my relationship with her. And I think that also is the best thing for my children.

 

[mkgal1]

but being married to the mother of my children I have to say that she is my priority - or perhaps more specifically my relationship with her

Ah....now we're touching on something that's always been a bit confusing to me (as in: what does that actually MEAN?). When children are minors....certainly they're more reliant on a parent's time. Does that mean I don't care enough about my husband if he doesn't get "equal time"?

I'll give an example that I truly struggled with (and, to be honest, my husband and I fought over back then): the idea that parent's bedroom doors ought to be locked so that gives the idea that it is "their space". I wholeheartedly disagreed with that. My priority was that our daughter felt she was respected and "heard"...not shoved off and only paid attention to when it was convenient for us.

 

[akmom]

Divorce is so rampant now. I don't know if your kids are in school yet, but when mine started school, a big portion of their classmates had divorced parents. So the discussion came up a lot at school. My kids came home casually discussing whom they'd want to live with. It's kind of challenging to have that discussion without vilifying divorced parents, or else making it sound like something that just happens easily and could happen to them.

 

[mkgal1]

It's kind of challenging to have that discussion without vilifying divorced parents, or else making it sound like something that just happens easily and could happen to them.

Right....that's the fine line right there.

We didn't have to deal with that discussion (that I even remember) when our daughter was young. For us....it was the topic of death. In my daughter's kindergarten class, two parents died that year (I think one from a late-stage cancer that wasn't detected until the very end....and another from a car accident). Fortunately for us---the school's counselor provided a bit of age-appropriate framework for the discussion.

In fact.....there's probably children's books geared towards this (I'm going to look right now).

 

[mkgal1]

So far, I've only found this one (and from the reviews it sounds as if it mentions how "fun" it will be to visit both grandma and grandpa in their homes). Maybe you can glean some insight from the reviews...?

 

[WolfGate]

Ah....now we're touching on something that's always been a bit confusing to me (as in: what does that actually MEAN?). When children are minors....certainly they're more reliant on a parent's time. Does that mean I don't care enough about my husband if he doesn't get "equal time"?

I'll give an example that I truly struggled with (and, to be honest, my husband and I fought over back then): the idea that parent's bedroom doors ought to be locked so that gives the idea that it is "their space". I wholeheartedly disagreed with that. My priority was that our daughter felt she was respected and "heard"...not shoved off and only paid attention to when it was convenient for us.

mkgal1 - from my perspective, it has nothing to do with who gets the most time or anything measureable. Yes, young children need more time - but they often want more than they need. More time, more attention, more things. The spouse still has needs as well. It means making sure the spouse's needs get met. IMHO, I've seen too many couples put the kid's wants above the spouse's need. It means assuring that as a couple you still have things and activities that bond you as a couple, rather than every activity being the kids - though the kids will take more time in many seasons. It means approaching parenting with the understanding you'll be empty nesters and taking active steps to not drift apart relationally and emotionally during the parenting years.

So, while I have no problem with saying the children may take more time and attention for much of their childhood, I do think it is wrong to say or make them the priority. Preserving a bonded relationship with your spouse is IMHO extremely healthy for the children as well because it both creates a secure family environment and it models for them how to build a marriage that will last.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, my daughter is about to finish off Kindergarten, and she does have a basic understanding of what divorce is. Like, she knows that her actual blood grandfather and actual blood grandmother are divorced. But, that didn't really impact upon her. They divorced LONG before she was born, so all she's ever known was "Grandma lives over here, Papa lives over there, and Nana is Papa's Wife."

When she found out about divorce (what it is), it did kind of rattle her a little bit. For a while, and even now, whenever my wife and I would have a disagreement it would concern her and she was afraid it was foretelling of divorce. We still have to assure her that "No, sometimes people disagree, and it's okay."

But this is the first time that divorce has actually impacted upon the world "as she knows it."

 

[DZoolander]

I can kinda see what Wolfgate is talking about - but I've got a slightly different take on it.

For the purposes of training my kids, yes, I always have my wife's back. That way they can see what a healthy relationship is like. BUT...my over-arching moral obligation and duty is to my kids though. If I found my wife to be a danger to my kids, the kids take priority and out the spouse goes. I believe she'd answer the same about me.

 

[WolfGate]

I can kinda see what Wolfgate is talking about - but I've got a slightly different take on it.

For the purposes of training my kids, yes, I always have my wife's back. That way they can see what a healthy relationship is like. BUT...my over-arching moral obligation and duty is to my kids though. If I found my wife to be a danger to my kids, the kids take priority and out the spouse goes. I believe she'd answer the same about me.

Well yes, of course. I was speaking in terms of an overall principle - there are certainly things related to protection etc., like you described, that become the most important and urgent thing. Things outside of what should be happening with a normal family