On the verge of divorce

[Electro]

Hello, everyone.

This is my first post here (I hope it's in the right forum).

My wife and I have been married for 3 years (together for 5). We met shortly after we were divorced from our previous spouses (my ex-wife left me, she left her ex-husband). She had 3 children (2 teenagers, now on their own, and a 5-year old, now 10).

We are both believers in God, but also are amazingly efficient sinners. When we first got together, it was party central. We drank constantly and had a pretty sin-filled lifestyle.

We also fell madly in love with each other. I remember how her eyes would light up when she'd see me, and how I'd feel absolute love and adoration every time we were together. In time, our lifestyle calmed down a bit (though we both readily admit to drinking too much even still).

We began reconnecting with God, and although we are FAR from role-model Christians, we are believers. We got married 2 years into our relationship.

We have gone through some seriously trying times together, and have had many periods where we were ready to split up. But we've made it through. Only now, neither of us is happy any more, and we're seriously talking about going through with divorce.

I've supported her and her kids completely by myself practically since we met. She is very high-maintenance, and consumes every penny I earn, every ounce of my energy, and every moment of my time. We started a business together (her dream), and I've funded the entire operation myself, at a constant financial loss. Our financial situation is a regular point of contention. One of my faults is that when I'm angry, I say amazingly hurtful things, and have called her a 'financial tsunami' and the sort during fights.

She complains that I want nothing to do with her son. This is semi-true, but it's because he's completely undisciplined, has no rules, and is frankly difficult to like. When I try to make rules for him, such as 'no eating in your room', she will bring him food to his room, essentially teaching him that my rules don't matter. I honestly don't feel that this will ever change. I resent her son, and I blame the way she raises him for my resentment. I dread his teenage years. She resents me for resenting him.

She is never happy anymore. I give her everything I can to provide for her, support her, and try to make her happy. But she has emotional meltdowns every week, at minimum. She posts on Facebook CONSTANTLY, seeking attention and sympathy from her e-friends.

Where I once looked forward to coming home to her every day, now I can't stand the sight of her. She's always miserable, and I feel like a sucker for giving her everything I have in a futile attempt to make her happy.

Now, I am far from blameless. I've thrown wonderful tantrums, punched holes in walls, called her horrible names. I've kicked her when she was down, intentionally saying powerfully hurtful things. However, this has not happened for quite a while.

Now, the company we started is showing real progress, so that finances may not be an issue much longer. Her son, however, will continue to be a major issue, as will her incessant misery.

I am to the point that I have fantasized about divorcing her for months. My life will be so much simpler without her. Stress will plummet, I'll be able to sleep at night, and I'll be financially comfortable in 6 months or less. I won't have a constantly miserable wife that takes me for granted and always finds new burdens for me to bear.

But I do love her. Very, very much. I want my old lover back, with the bright eyes and big smile. I am well aware of my part in the diminished happiness in our home, but we just don't like each other any more, and I want a fresh start, without her and her kids.

I am so torn about what to do. I don't know which I'll regret more: staying with her, or leaving her. Her closest friend, who knows just about everything about our relationship, even told me she wouldn't blame me for leaving her.

I feel like I'm either making the best decision of my life, or the worst one. I can't properly describe how conflicted I feel.

I would appreciate any thoughts on this matter, and would very much like to hear any relevant teachings from the bible that apply. Is it wrong for me to leave this marriage?

 

[Autumnleaf]

Try this first. Be more generous to her son than she is so she has to be the one to set boundaries with him. If she does that then he might start fighting her and she will try to come to you for support.

Change a dynamic to change the dynamics.

 

[pfcreed]

I'm just a regular guy and I'm going to give you my regular guy opinion. Your not perfect none of us are and thats the beauty of being a Christian. The Bible isn't going to validate you to leave you marriage. Even if it did when you meet Jesus for judgement who's to say what that judgement will be other than the Lord. Ive learned, well I think that our relationship with God is too important and too intimate to look at it like its a contract. where if you do A HE will do B and so on.

I'm struggling in my marriage and im surrounded by people who are doing the same. I think you should make a decision. For instance, say for the next 2 years im going to stay with my wife unless she does something i cant live with, then I will quickly file for divorce. or you should just decide to divorce her. but you have to decide what your going to do and stick with it.

If you do decide to stay with your wife and she is using social media as a form of expression in order to express her pain. Then I suggest you also use social media to celebrate your relationship with her. Make your own account, put pictures of yall hugging touching etc etc. Social media has its own "language" and its a language of visual expression.

For every dollar she spends and wastes away you can make it back dollar for dollar in one way or another. but for every derrogatory statement you make to her its going to cost you ten times as many positive statements to even start to correct it so consider that.

on a personal note and maybe you can relate to this, but I got very good at finding the things I needed from my wife in other things. Sinful things, porn, emotional affairs, self pleasuring. I just made a environment in our marriage where I didn't really need her. I made the money, I pleased myself I filled the gap that was created between us with other people. Attempt to put your wife in a position where she is the one meeting your needs and vice versa (if that applies to you) Read your bible. Pray for wisdom and understanding and make love to your wife, because as a man I want my wife to love me and express her love to me in every way. I want that security. I think for a woman the love part is in the back ground its like the stage that the play is set on, but they need you to want them and convince em of it when they aren't convinced they want themselves. ill pray for you and please pray for me and I hope I didnt misguide you. Turn a blind eye to your son if you can let her deal with that cause once you two are healthy you can attack that problem together. You have to pick what battles your going to fight because you could lose em all.

 

[LoveConquers]

I understand where you are coming from, and the challenge is that you no longer want to put forth the effort. You are now at a point where you are just done and have no interest in even pretending or trying...you know what you can and should do to try to make it better but you just dont have the desire anymore.

The only recommendation I have is for you to pray - pray that God is able to soften your heart to your wife and her children. Once that happens, then maybe you will be able to put forth the effort required to try to turn things around. Unfortunately you cannot change her so you have to have patience to continuously put forth the effort even though you may not immediately see the results you desire.

 

[Svt4Him]

Get right with God, then come back and tell us what you've changed in yourself.

 

[ValleyGal]

A few thoughts...

First, don't leave just yet. Think about some of this first. If you leave, you will be free of her, but if you get into another relationship with someone else later, you are just trading in the problems you have now for another set of problems you'd have with someone else. It might be worth it to save this marriage - based on what you said about still loving her, having good memories about your earlier times together, and wanting that back. What would happen if I told you you might be able to have that back? (no one can ever guarantee this because two people are involved and minds can change)

Second, what does she want? In order for it to work, both would need to be 100% on board and willing to let go of "self", be willing to compromise, be willing to do the hard work, which includes being really vulnerable with each other. If both are willing, then it increases your chances.

Third, there may be resources that can help. Traditional marriage therapy doesn't work. But there are things that do. Check out John Gottman and Nan Silver's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Look for a workshop near you or at the very least, read the book and do the exercises in it. If nothing else, at least it would be helpful for you in determining whether your marriage really is over or not.

Fourth, blending families is hard. You and your wife must be united in your parenting. If she is unhappy about you saying "no food in the bedroom" you might want to check with her next time to see if that is a house rule that the two of you can agree on and support each other in. If she agrees then later goes against it, it might require a discussion about how to resolve it, even if it's a temporary compromise. Gottman says there are two types of conflict - solvable and unsolvable. There are always unsolvable conflicts, and the best a couple can hope for is a temporary compromise. Again, the book gives great tips on these issues.

 

[Tammy]

Hello, everyone.

I would appreciate any thoughts on this matter, and would very much like to hear any relevant teachings from the bible that apply. Is it wrong for me to leave this marriage?

Welcome to the forum, Electro....
Things sound rough...very rough....

You asked what the Bible says about your situation, Jesus said this:

"And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery..." Mathew 19:9.

The way I understand it is, if your wife has been unfaithful to you, then you are free to go...but if not, then you need to make the best of the situation.

It sounds like from what you are saying, that neither of you are 100% committed to the Lord, please don't be offended by me saying that. Intellectually, you are Christians...but practically, you are not living the Christian life. I think that if you could find a good Christian counselor, you could save your marriage, provided that is what BOTH of you want to do.

The closer you come to Jesus, the better you will be able to handle the stress. Pray and put into practice EVERYTHING you learn...and as your wife sees you changing for the better, it will hopefully make her think.

I wish you the best!

 

[Electro]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I really do appreciate it.

Tammy is correct in her assumption (no offense taken!). We aren't living 100% for God. We struggle often in our walk, and sometimes are more obedient than at other times.

pfcreed -
I absorbed every word you wrote. Thank you.

LoveConquers-
You are right. I'm tired of trying. I'm weary from 5 years of financial ruin and overall chaos from her kids. More on this below.

ValleyGal-
Thank you very much for your advice. I am trying to be more understanding, and will check out the reading you recommend (can't hurt, right?)

A little more background:

Her younger teenage daughter got involved with bad drugs, and caused constant chaos in our home. It was really bad. Now, she's off on her own, living a self-destructive life. My wife is constantly anticipating a phone call telling her that her daughter has died. This has a lot to do with her misery, and I sincerely understand. We've opened up our home to her repeatedly, in an attempt to help her clean up and get her life in order. Every single time, she makes an effort for 2 days, then runs off to reunite with her addict friends, and we don't hear from her for months. Her time in our home normally ends with her throwing an amazing fit, screaming, yelling, breaking things. I'm at the point where I don't want her in our house any more.

And a recent development:
Her oldest daughter is pregnant (not the drug addict). She moved out of state to live with her boyfriend, and in less than 3 months it looks like that relationship is going sour. I am convinced that, any day now, my wife will tell me that her pregnant daughter needs to move back in with us.

If it were just her daughter, I'd be fine with this. But, I made it very, very clear long ago: There will be no infants living in our home unless it's my own child. I will be absolutely miserable if I'm expected to take care of ANOTHER child that isn't mine. Especially if it's a baby. I understand this may come across as selfish, but I'm also being honest.

I have been praying, thinking, and talking with family and friends I trust. They all say they'll support whatever decision I make.

Like I said before, I love my wife very much.

I have chosen to stay with her and attempt to improve our life together. I would never forgive myself for ending our marriage without trying one more time.

But now, I feel like I've been thrown a curve ball with the pregnancy. I feel like no matter what I choose, I lose. Live in misery with a baby that I will be expected to support, or lose the woman I love.

I'm very conflicted and very sad about this whole situation.

I sincerely appreciate the thoughts and advice from all of you, and I'm all ears if you've got more where that came from!

 

[ValleyGal]

It sounds very stressful, but you've only convinced yourself that this will happen. It hasn't happened yet. So rather than talk yourself out of the marriage, why not put the energies into figuring out alternatives for your step-daughter.

IF your wife asks you to let step-daughter back in, is there any reason not not let her until the baby is born? Imo, this would be an opportunity to contact child welfare social workers and let them know there may be a drug-baby (if she's still using). This can get social workers involved and you could monitor drug use if sd lived with you. Meantime, social workers could intervene to help provide funding for sd's own home for when baby is born.

If your wife asks for sd to move back in, you could say yes, with the understanding that if drugs continue, you will notify child welfare. Then your wife and sd can make a choice based on the knowledge of that consequence.

However....that's only IF your wife asks. She might not.

 

[Electro]

I'm sorry, I realize I didn't communicate well (I will edit my post to clarify).

The pregnant daughter is not the drug addict. This is her older daughter, who is not on drugs.

My issue is that I expect that my wife will want her pregnant daughter to move in. Which means, once again, that I'm responsible for supporting another person, and then a baby on top of that. This girl isn't a horrible problem, just young and very irresponsible (obviously, getting pregnant at 20 by someone she hardly knows).

If this baby were to live in our house, I know my resentment will grow, for my wife, her daughter, and the baby.

I'm already resentful about supporting my wife and her kids. I'm resentful about the constant chaos and drama always consuming our home. The thought of living with a screaming baby in my home couldn't be more unappealing. I will not be happy.

I realize I sound selfish, but I've come to the point that I'm tired of giving, giving, giving, only to be asked to give more, more, more, always at great personal sacrifice.

 

[ValleyGal]

Thanks for clarifying. I must have read it wrong.

Resentment is potentially detrimental to marriage, if it's allowed to turn into stonewalling, contempt and criticism. It sounds like this is the way it's going, but there are steps you can take to turn it around. The book I recommended addresses this.

One of the keys to turning it around is nurturing positive thinking. So you "expect that my wife will want her pregnant daughter to move in." But you don't know that is what she will want. So rather than nurture your expectations without working on a resolution, why not use this time to come up with alternatives that are more suitable for you and better for your sd?

One of the things you can do early on is have some pillow-talk, and ask your wife what she thinks about becoming a grandma. How does she want it to look? What kind of grandma does she want to be? Does she support her daughter? What are her hopes for her daughter? Once you have some of this information, you might come to a conclusion that your wife does not want her daughter to move in. Or maybe she wants her to move in, but only until the baby is born...or some other alternative. You might hear things from her you never thought you would. Or you might hear what you suspect - that she wants her to move in.

If that is the case, you don't need to just let it happen without your opinion mattering. You can flat-out say no and expect a fallout. You can say yes and become more resentful (but since you said yes, your resentment would be illegitimate because you agreed to it in the first place). Or you can work out some sort of compromise, like moving to a home where there is a built-in suite, or rooms that are apart from the main living area where your sd can have space as a new mom and you won't have to hear a crying baby....

So this brings me back to your resentment. You admit you resent your wife for having to support her and her children. Yet you agreed at some point to do this. So why are you taking your resentment out on her, when it's something you originally agreed to?

 

[Electro]

Thanks again, ValleyGal.

To answer your questions:

One of the things you can do early on is have some pillow-talk, and ask your wife what she thinks about becoming a grandma. How does she want it to look? What kind of grandma does she want to be? Does she support her daughter? What are her hopes for her daughter?

She is excited about being a grandma, and supports her daughter.

She has already told me that she's worried about addressing the issue of her daughter/baby moving in, which is why I not only expect it, but am preparing for it. She knows how vehemently opposed I am to a baby that is not mine living in our home.

So this brings me back to your resentment. You admit you resent your wife for having to support her and her children. Yet you agreed at some point to do this. So why are you taking your resentment out on her, when it's something you originally agreed to?

This is a fair question. When she first moved in, her teenagers were living with their grandmother. When the younger one started causing trouble, grandma kicked her out. I came home from work to 'Surprise! You have a teenage girl living in your home now!'

The older daughter was also living with grandmother, then with friends. My wife decided to offer her a room so she could get her finances in order and work toward getting her own place (which was going well until she quit her job to move out of state with her boyfriend after getting pregnant). So, this is another case of 'Surprise! You have another teenage girl living rent-free in your home now!'

So, I never did actually agree to living with her daughters, and my wife never asked for my thoughts on them moving in with us. Another example of being taken for granted (in my perspective).

Given how well I know my wife, and the way things have gone in the past, I think it is more than reasonable to assume my predictions are accurate. She will want her daughter and her baby to live in our home, knowing full well how opposed I am to the idea.

 

[ValleyGal]

So it sounds to me like there are some boundary issues. She crossed your perceived boundary when she let her first daughter move in. At that time, did you discuss the fact that she should have talked with you first? If you did, then the second time would be cause for concern, but if you didn't, the first time set a precedent in her mind...you let the first one happen, so why not the second?

Now might be a good idea to talk about some firm boundaries. Before you do, though, I'd suggest reading up on boundaries and learning about what they really are - they are not limiting her behaviour, but they are establishing what you will do if she makes certain choices. For example, in this situation, IF she wants her daughter to move in, you can state a boundary by saying something like "I want you to know I love you and I have supported you and your children. I firmly believe now that your daughter should be responsible for her own choice to have a baby, and I will not be responsible for it. I will gladly be a grandpa and love and accept the child, but I do not choose to live with a baby in my home. If you choose to live with your daughter and her child, that is up to you, but I hope for the sake of our marriage, that you will choose to live with me."

It is giving her the freedom of choice, supporting her, but also stating what you will and will not live with. But a word of caution. Don't state a boundary that you can't follow through and live with. If you state something like the above, be prepared for her to move out with her daughter. If she stays with you, it's a blessing, but always be prepared for the worst.

I hope you like reading...another book I recommend is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Imo, between this and the Gottman book, you should have a totally different take on your approach to your marriage. And it may survive.

 

[TheOtherHockeyMom]

I think it's very difficult for a person with no kids to marry someone with kids. I had a marriage fail because the person I married sort of assumed that I would stop being a mom when the kids were with their dad. I asked him once if he would stay with me if something happened to their father and the kids came to live with us full time (I already had them most of the time). He said he hoped it never came to that (while as a mom, and not wishing harm on their dad, nothing would make me happier than having my kids at all times), but if it did, he didn't think he could take it. That pretty much ended things for me. If you marry someone with kids, you should recognize that their first priority should be the kids, and that it may well end up being a case where you have full time kids in your house. I think you also have to separate your resentment about the situation from how you feel about the kids. A kid whose home is broken up is going to need a lot of love and support, not a steparent who blames them and resents their presence.

My situation ended in an odd (but good) way, a divorce, which both of us were better off from, and a reconciliation with the kids dad. I think if you are going to make your situation work, it's perhaps a good idea to not worry about whose DNA is in the kid's or gradkid's blood, and start seeing them as part of the family. If a newborn or a difficult 10 year old needs your full time love and support, then either step up or step out.

 

[iambren]

I'll level with you...other than just SAYING that you both are Christians your behavior doesn't support that claim. It makes me wonder what you mean when you say you're a Christian.

Yes,your marriage is in the heat of the battle. You and your wive need to become truly born again,become a team,and let the Holy Spirit bring peace to your home. Open yourself in complete surrender and welcome Him bringing joy for ashes.

 

[Electro]

I want to give sincere thanks to all of you who have offered your thoughts, advice, and prayers.

You don't know me as anything more than a screen name, but you've put real thought and time into my problems, and I thank you very much.

I am a real person, with struggles just as real as any you face yourself, and I thank you for treating me as a real person going through real hardships.

I hope that I may have some insight to another on this forum that can be as helpful as what I've received here.

 

[LoveConquers]

I want to give sincere thanks to all of you who have offered your thoughts, advice, and prayers.

You don't know me as anything more than a screen name, but you've put real thought and time into my problems, and I thank you very much.

I am a real person, with struggles just as real as any you face yourself, and I thank you for treating me as a real person going through real hardships.

I hope that I may have some insight to another on this forum that can be as helpful as what I've received here.

To be honest this thread has already provided insight on how difficult it can be for someone when their spouse's children from prior relationships come in the picture. It shows me how what is so easy for the parent ("of course I'm going to be there for my kids whenever they need me") can be challenging to their spouse ("I didnt sign up for all this"). Just goes to show that in EVERY situation we must be concsious of how it affects our spouse.