Eight years of narcissism..... Eight years of life absorbing pride dictating my every move. Constantly worried about ME and ME only. Hopelessly addicted to marijauna. Addicted to sex. Pornography. Music that absolutely blashemed god and everything he represents. Attacking people and obliterating any since of integrity they held. Making sure that every human being i was around KNEW that i was more intelligent, stronger, faster, and just an all around better person than they could EVER possibly imagine. Manipulating everyone. Spinning a web of lies with no bounds. Fabricating stories every day just to get a rise out of people. Anxiety so gripped me, to the point that i couldnt even leave my home. Because i was utterly obssesed with myself and my outward image. So much so that the fear of the possibility of a situation where i would be put down or demeaned in front of the people that i wanted to worship me confounded me to the walls of my own prison. I WENT ABOUT SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE LIKE THIS. EVERYDAY. And eventually i was CUT DOWN. HEWN DOWN. Everyone that knew me fled from me. I was all alone in my safe little shack...... And all I wanted to do was kill myself. The thought of suicide was so prevalent. I thought, it doesn't matter how bad things get, i'll just end up killing myself anyway. Not like it even matters....... So after I had hit rock bottem inevitably, I started researching..... Whats wrong with me my soul screamed. WHY AM I THIS WAY. WHY CANT I FUNCTION LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING....... And it goes like this. IF YOU GO YOUR OWN WAY YOU BEAR THE FRUIT OF YOUR OWN WAY. PRIDE GOES BEFORE THE FALL. GODS WRATH IS ON THOSE WHO DISOBEY HIS COMMANDMENTS AND TEACH OTHER MEN TO DO SO. GRACE AND REDEMPTION ARE ABSOLUTELY NECCASSARY. GOD TEARS DOWN THE STRONG AND PRIDEFULL. HE TAKES AWAY OUR SO CALLED INTELLIGENCE. HE WANTS US TO KNOW THAT WE ARE HOPELESS WITHOUT HIM. WE ARE NOTHING IN THE SHADOW OF THE ALLMIGHTY. HE IS A CONSUMING FIRE. HE WILL NEVER STOP UNTIL WE KNOW...... HE IS THE GOD THAT SIMPLY IS. THE GOD THAT TRANSCENDS TIME AND MATTER. JEHOVAH GOD........
My anxiety is dieing. My pride is withering. And my faith grows every day. And its all because of men who laid there lives down for something infinitely greater than themselves. The biblical authors. C.s. Lewis. George Macdonald, Tim Keller, John Piper, Saint Augustine, Saint Aquinas, J.rr Tolkien, Paul Washer, John Hagee etc. God has truly done marvelous work in these men. And is continuing to work in me. Everyday the volume of my concience gets a little more prevalent...... Glory to God from everlasting to everlasting. Because he is destroying me, I can now live. Because he is consuming everything that was ME, i can find me!!!!!!!!! Thanks for reading,
Steven
My anxiety is dieing. My pride is withering. And my faith grows every day. And its all because of men who laid there lives down for something infinitely greater than themselves. The biblical authors. C.s. Lewis. George Macdonald, Tim Keller, John Piper, Saint Augustine, Saint Aquinas, J.rr Tolkien, Paul Washer, John Hagee etc. God has truly done marvelous work in these men. And is continuing to work in me. Everyday the volume of my concience gets a little more prevalent...... Glory to God from everlasting to everlasting. Because he is destroying me, I can now live. Because he is consuming everything that was ME, i can find me!!!!!!!!! Thanks for reading,
Steven
