On Manipulation

[Gentle Lamb]

Have any ladies had experiences where you meet a guy and think he might actually be nice and he says nice things and then later on you find out he was just saying fancy words in order to manipulate you and play with your mind (and hopefully later on your body to fulfill his own carnal urges)? I've had this happen more times than I can count, it's like they are vicious predators.

**Disclaimer - I know there are good guys out there and I'm not saying all guys are like this, I am only asking women who have had similar experiences... and any guys who know I'm not targeting them and want to chime in.

 

[Messy]

Sure. I don't trust guys who talk fancy.
Or they want your money.

 

[KitKatMatt]

Yes.

I've had men try to manipulate me in different ways, it's taught me to be extremely wary towards them (and unfortunately, that tends towards paranoia since it's happened so many times).

I've met some really great guys, but I've also met some really awful ones. It's sad that the awful ones have left such a huge impression on me that those experiences have overshadowed the good ones.

 

[Travelers.Soul]

Short and not very detailed true story. I actually loved the guy who used me. I had known him for a couple years, we spent a lot of time together. He seemed like a really nice, sincere guy but then after a very painful series of events I discovered I didn't really know him at all. At the end of our "friendship" it turned out he had known for a long time how I felt about him and he had used that knowledge against me. In the end, it came out that he just wanted all the emotional perks of being in a relationship without any of the responsibility and the freedom to pursue other women. Once I finally woke up and realized what was going on, that I was being used, I cut ties and all contact with him. He was so angry. It took me a year to heal up from him.

 

[redblue22]

so far, no one has presented a case about me being manipulative. you'll have to get a lot closer for that.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

so far, no one has presented a case about me being manipulative. you'll have to get a lot closer for that.

Did you bother to read the disclaimer??

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Short and not very detailed true story. I actually loved the guy who used me. I had known him for a couple years, we spent a lot of time together. He seemed like a really nice, sincere guy but then after a very painful series of events I discovered I didn't really know him at all. At the end of our "friendship" it turned out he had known for a long time how I felt about him and he had used that knowledge against me. In the end, it came out that he just wanted all the emotional perks of being in a relationship without any of the responsibility and the freedom to pursue other women. Once I finally woke up and realized what was going on, that I was being used, I cut ties and all contact with him. He was so angry. It took me a year to heal up from him.

What a mess! So sorry you were used like that It happens like that so often, I had a similar situation, just wasn't as close friends with the guy at all. Really took me some time to wake up to what was going on and I only woke up to it through the intervention of my Heavenly Father.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Sure. I don't trust guys who talk fancy.
Or they want your money.

Had a situation like this where the guy was after money! Totally fell for it too, thank God it didn't go further than it did, as it is, the damage left was quite bad.

Yes.

I've had men try to manipulate me in different ways, it's taught me to be extremely wary towards them (and unfortunately, that tends towards paranoia since it's happened so many times).

I've met some really great guys, but I've also met some really awful ones. It's sad that the awful ones have left such a huge impression on me that those experiences have overshadowed the good ones.

Yeppp gotta be wary! It's quite sad to look around at the fabric of society and see such poor relations between men and women! I know there are men who have similar stories of being manipulated by women. It's no small wonder that it's so hard to meet the right person or even just a person who will treat you right with people going around acting as though the next person is their doormat... or even worse!!! We've just gotten more and more backwards as a society, it's seriously sick.

 

[Travelers.Soul]

You're right it's not only women who are used. I've heard some horror stories from men who were used horribly by women. You certainly have to be careful.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

You're right it's not only women who are used. I've heard some horror stories from men who were used horribly by women. You certainly have to be careful.

Yep. I'm only asking mainly women because I just need the support of my fellow sisters in Christ who've been in similar situations. It's frustrating that people even can treat each other this way, men towards women or women towards men!

 

[Miss Spaulding]

I can't say that I've been in this position before. I've had so few men interested in me to be begin with, so... However, I do want to say one thing though:

I believe a lot of manipulation occurs when the victim is more of an easygoing, unquestioning type. What manipulative person, man or woman, is going to target a strong willed and strong minded individual in the hopes of luring them into an unhealthy relationship that is dominated by manipulation in every sense of the word? ...They don't. Or at least the smart ones don't. They know what's up, and they know they need to find an individual sweet and naive enough that'll give them half a chance at succeeding with their ill intent.

My point is, you need to thoroughly examine yourself and determine whether or not you're...for a lacking of a kinder word...a doormat. And one that doesn't easily spot the sure signs of manipulation. I'm not saying any of this as criticism but rather to help those who have been manipulated or seem to only attract manipulative men/women. If you recognize that you're an easily manipulated person, which isn't anything to hang your head about (trust me, I have my own issues), then that is the first step towards change.

Every day, you have men and women who go out and attend self-defense classes to learn how to protect themselves from injury and death in the unfortunate possibility of being attacked, so why not make a conscious decision to protect yourself by becoming aware of the sure signs of a manipulative person? Actually, for any person in general. Because manipulation doesn't stop at significant others, it's among friends, family, coworkers, ect.

 

[EyesOfKohl]

Indeed there are men like this out there - I have come across many manipulative women as well, more they use emotion as their game.

If you have your suspicions a guy is trying to play you like this, I would say subtly flirt with him bringing him to the conclusion that he is getting closer to get what he wants, then simply do a 180 and if he becomes frustrated you have your answer. lol.

 

[KitKatMatt]

I think teaching men and women to be aware of themselves and aware of the signs of manipulation is extremely valuable. However, I don't know if I'd call someone who happened to be trapped in a manipulative relationship a "doormat".

I had no idea what a healthy relationship was as a kid and teenager. I honestly thought it was normal for men to force themselves upon women and for women to just "turn the other way and think of something else" when a man did something to the woman that they were not comfortable with. I did not know there was any other way*. I definitely didn't set out to be taken advantage of, I just didn't know it could be any other way or that I had a choice.

*This is weird because I was raised by a VERY strong woman who had been abused before, and now took none of it. But the discussions never really focused on relationships, so I never put two and two together. I am also pretty socially inept and I don't understand the intentions of people, so it felt like a perfect storm to open me up for manipulation.

The point I'm making here, is that I did not intentionally set out to let someone manipulate me. I find it offensive to be referred to as a "doormat" because I did not know what I should have done and could have done. I was confused and felt helpless, and didn't even know it was acceptable for me to seek help (like in the case where I was sexually assaulted and stalked, at which time I had no idea I could go to the cops, who would legally be on my side).

 

[Miss Spaulding]

I went back and forth on the word 'doormat'. Perhaps unsuspecting is a better word to use.

And anyway, let me reiterate that none of what I said was in any way criticism or meant to be offensive, so if anyone takes it that way then that's on them. The whole point of my post was the last part about being proactive in becoming aware of the signs of manipulation and whatnot, because that is, in my personal opinion, the best way to combat this problem.

Obviously every manipulative relationship and its victim is different. The type and level of abuse varies. But no matter what a person has gone through, if they have the mind and will to do so, then they are all capable of protecting themselves by wising up to the signs of a manipulative lowlife.

 

[Cearbhall]

Not really, but I'm very sorry that this has been happening to you so much.

 

[KitKatMatt]

I think "unsuspecting" would be a better word, yeah.

I think everyone should be taught about healthy and unhealthy relationships in school. Signs of abuse and manipulation should be well known, and everyone should also be taught what to do when they see those signs.

We need to empower everyone so that they will no longer be unsuspecting and so they can avoid getting caught into toxic relationships.

 

[Tom Mix]

I hate to hear that you ladies may have been manipulated but I am wondering if maybe sometimes you misunderstand the situation or misread what is going on and later think something else happened.

I am learning in life that women tend to be more about emotions and guys are more physical. When a guy tells you that you are pretty you may think he wants to take care of you and protect you but he really just wants a kiss. That does not mean he manipulated you, it means we think different. It is not abuse because you misunderstood what was going on.

There are women who really do suffer from abuse and I hate to see women ride the mental abuse wagon because of the mistakes they made in the past because there are women who really are mentally abused and false cry's of mental abuse water down the help for women who really are in need of help.

If you fell for a guy based on promises and he later dropped you does not make it abuse, it means you were used but not abused and both side play that game as I have been used by women before many times. I am just happy that I am poor so they did not get much but now I am learning that when they try to use you and fail that they yell mental abuse. Its a vicious circle.

 

[sundewgrower]

I can see this all to be rather valid although I see Tom's half also...
I'm understanding why some women take it very slow with me, and are very evaluative. It's not me, but the idiots which make guys look bad as a whole. For instance there is a women who mentions she wants to be a friend first, and doesn't want it go anywhere fast. I suspect a guy burned her nicely, and so she's on red alert until I can show I'm a legit nice guy.

There is a disparity in how men and women operate. As a guy I don't promise or say what I can't deliver but some guys say stuff for additional attention and it can really hurt women who take it to heart. I think women should take it to heart, but it must be with the right guy first, and not one who tosses stuff around to satisfy his emotional needs.

 

[Jack of Spades]

I think everyone should be taught about healthy and unhealthy relationships in school. Signs of abuse and manipulation should be well known, and everyone should also be taught what to do when they see those signs.

While I agree, I like to play devils advocate, so I want to also mention other side of the coin. If the education or informing focuses too much on recognizing manipulation, there is a risk that people will become oversensitive for it and see it everywhere. Afterall there is no perfect human relationship with absolutely no unhealthy emotional elements.

For example, I've been called "secretive narcissist" by a woman, because I didn't want to tell her one private detail about myself. She appeared to be serious and I had to actually explain to her whats the difference between being obsessively secretive, and that of having some privacy.

I believe best shield against any kind of manipulation and abuse is to build healthy self-respect, to know ones own limits and believe in ones gut that you're worth of being treated like a decent human being. What I'm trying to say is that, even tho recognizing red flags is important, I believe it's better if the focus stays on developing positive stuff, cause it works as a natural shield.

I had unpleasant experience with one woman about 10 years ago myself, it was nothing horrible but what made it awful for me was that I was mad in love with her even long time after she was gone, while for her it was more games than serious. After it was over, I knew in my gut that I must change, to learn to actually live with myself first and have some sort of self-respect, or that experience is bound to happen again either with someone else, or in some different context. Even if I knew what went wrong, I wouldn't have been able to actually do otherwise, given my emotional state then, if I hadn't "fixed myself" before trying again.

 

[redblue22]

What form does this manipulation and abuse take on?