Older single men

[dayhiker]

Black, I don't think this topic as been talked about enough, as it does feel awkward at times.
When I was out of work 7 years ago, while I wasn't broke, I was watching my money closely. If one of them can't afford to pay too much
I think its best to set a price range or restaurant level early in the planning.

There is the idea and it makes sense that the person asking for the date should pay. Yet there are a lot of people that date as friends till they make a
commitment of some sort. In that situation I prefer we all pay about half. Since I'm doing well financially now I always offer to pay more than half these days.

Some ladies have offered to pay the tip. That can be a nice way to offer to ease the cost for the guy.

 

[dayhiker]

The women that have offered to pay some of the meal have offered when the check came.
One woman I've done quite a bit of work around her house that she isn't able or comfortable doing as she isn't as stable on her feet as she used to be.
She will sometimes take me out to eat after I do a job that takes a couple of hours to do. She pays for that, which is much cheaper than hiring a handy man.

Ya, what is a date ... best I can define it is it means a lot of things, from setting a time to meet friends to asking a girl out.

 

[blackribbon]

P. S. We girls still aren't making the wage the boys are: http://mic.com/articles/83703/here-...-make-than-men-by-state-in-one-map#.I39aasHcI

So I am only supposed to date men who make more money than I do? Girls do not get paid less for the same job. Women just take jobs that have lower wages much of the time. I don't think it should be a blanket assumption.

 

[blackribbon]

New question about older men. Why are they focused on what I have or haven't accomplished? I mean, I do the things I do because I have to to support my family. I don't find them so much accomplishment though I would consider myself a failure if I didn't do them. I find it odd the things men tell me they "respect" me for doing? In my mind, I didn't have an option. I find it extremely odd when they point out that they "respect" me for how my kids turned out ... would I be less of a person if one of my kids actually turned out to be rebellious or fell apart after his/her dad died?

I know I am not explaining this very well, but I have more than one take the time to point of that they "respect" me for things that I just think are part of who I am...not things that justify kudos or notice. I don't mean, don't notice but it is awkward when they point this out. I mean, what do I say? "Thank you for noticing?" I didn't do it for them and wouldn't have done any differently if they didn't approve. I mean, they don't get a vote. Maybe it would me more if they just said they admired me as a person. I have a male nursing friend to tells me he is "proud of me"....ummm, does it really matter? I almost think with him it feels like an insult like he didn't think I was capable of doing what I just assumed I would do.

I guess it all gets down to "why does my resume matter" to a man I want to date? I would think that who I am as a person would matter more.

 

[dayhiker]

black ... I think its a way of honoring you for what you have done. Its a way of complimenting you. Yes, your not the only one to do something like you had done. But you did do it
and so respect, honoring you, complimenting you ... I would do the same and think I have mentioned it in the past.
All you do is smile and say thanks. Accept the praise. Its part of who you are now. Own it. Yes, your still not god! ... lol ... Chose to be comfortable with receiving their gift, their compliment.

 

[exitstageright]

Well, I can certianly understand not wanting to blow a budget on a date. I'd feel really bad if I did that to a woman.

I'm always ready to pay for the meal if I ask a lady out. I find almost always ladies offer to pay half, especially if they have a drink and I just have water.
Which I accept if offered.
I'd not think very well of a lady who couldn't talk to me about her financial situation and limitation with the cost of the meal by walking out with
a pretence of going to the bathroom.

Say Dayhiker,I have had a "lady" do that to me twice.She gave me the idea that we were just friends that wanted to get to know one another better. Yes,it was my fault for not asking her before the dates.I should have told her that we should go Dutch treat.

Twice,when the bill came,she told me that she had to go to the restroom.I know that she should have been able to afford the meal. Because she was an attorney at the time. She is no longer an attorney. She has been......disbarred! That says quite a lot about her.

 

[Trogdor the Burninator]

Decorum? Where do we get these ideas? Why should the man pay when we also have jobs and are living as independent adults?

Cultural I guess.

If you're Chinese, it's easy - inviter pays. So if you ask a girl out to dinner, you expect to pay.

 

[Trogdor the Burninator]

I don't necessarily think a man should have to pay. But if whoever suggests the dinner out I think bares the responsiblity of making it clear what's happening.

Pretty much this. If you ask someone out IMO you should take care of the arrangements - it's part of the hospitality. If a girl I was dating invited me to a restaurant for a treat in return then I'm thinking she will be doing the same.

 

[Grandpa4]

Some guys are just jerks and don't know how to relate to others. Some of us may not be jerks (I hope I'm not), but we still don't know how to relate to others--especially to women. Everything I learned about being man and a husband, I learned from my sorry-excuse-for-a-dad. He was selfish and only cared about his own desires and wants. He told me constantly that "Men never show emotions or say say "I love you", because it's a sign of weakness. He also constantly told me, "You're useless" and "You can't do anything right", and other endearing things he told me that caused me to grow up with a severe stutter and an inability to communicate with others, unable to make friends, and spending my life as a janitor because it was the only work I had the confidence to do; Anyone can do janitorial work. A lot of what and who a man is comes from his childhood that stays with him the rest of his life. Find out about a man's childhood and what his father was like, and you could learn a lot about him.

 

[dayhiker]

Good point, Grandpa4. Really sorry you had a father like that.

 

[William67]

New question about older men. Why are they focused on what I have or haven't accomplished? I mean, I do the things I do because I have to to support my family. I don't find them so much accomplishment though I would consider myself a failure if I didn't do them. I find it odd the things men tell me they "respect" me for doing? In my mind, I didn't have an option. I find it extremely odd when they point out that they "respect" me for how my kids turned out ... would I be less of a person if one of my kids actually turned out to be rebellious or fell apart after his/her dad died?

I know I am not explaining this very well, but I have more than one take the time to point of that they "respect" me for things that I just think are part of who I am...not things that justify kudos or notice. I don't mean, don't notice but it is awkward when they point this out. I mean, what do I say? "Thank you for noticing?" I didn't do it for them and wouldn't have done any differently if they didn't approve. I mean, they don't get a vote. Maybe it would me more if they just said they admired me as a person. I have a male nursing friend to tells me he is "proud of me"....ummm, does it really matter? I almost think with him it feels like an insult like he didn't think I was capable of doing what I just assumed I would do.

I guess it all gets down to "why does my resume matter" to a man I want to date? I would think that who I am as a person would matter more.

It may be because most of us have seen people who didn't live up to their responsibilities, didn't try to better themselves, didn't try to make things better for their family, etc. That's why it impresses us when someone does and we try to give them encouragement. Ive known people who have surrendered their parental rights because they "couldn't deal with the stress of being a parent". Not because they were poor/unemployed, or anything of that nature, but because they were single and didn't want the responsibility anymore.

 

[blackribbon]

It may be because most of us have seen people who didn't live up to their responsibilities, didn't try to better themselves, didn't try to make things better for their family, etc. That's why it impresses us when someone does and we try to give them encouragement. Ive known people who have surrendered their parental rights because they "couldn't deal with the stress of being a parent". Not because they were poor/unemployed, or anything of that nature, but because they were single and didn't want the responsibility anymore.

Actually, that is pretty close to what he said to me... so I should take it as a compliment and leave it alone, huh?

 

[William67]

Actually, that is pretty close to what he said to me... so I should take it as a compliment and leave it alone, huh?

He probably meant it as a compliment, so you should take it as such.

 

[Aelred of Rievaulx]

The problem is neurological, a persons brain continues to grow until around the age of 25, after this it ceases and simply continues to self replicate. People who've gone through a few decades after this find themselves incapable of creating new relationships because they cannot remould themselves onto another human being. In short, people become incompatible. Only a few things can happen in this scenario, either people simply resort to relationships in which they are incompatible to lesser or greater degrees, meaning that they remain, to lesser or greater degrees, somewhat uncomfortable with their lives, or they stay alone incapable of forming significant relationships, or the relationships which are formed are one sided, asymmetrical.

 

[dayhiker]

The problem is neurological, a persons brain continues to grow until around the age of 25, after this it ceases and simply continues to self replicate. People who've gone through a few decades after this find themselves incapable of creating new relationships because they cannot remould themselves onto another human being. In short, people become incompatible. Only a few things can happen in this scenario, either people simply resort to relationships in which they are incompatible to lesser or greater degrees, meaning that they remain, to lesser or greater degrees, somewhat uncomfortable with their lives, or they stay alone incapable of forming significant relationships, or the relationships which are formed are one sided, asymmetrical.

I really don't believe this. I've seen a lot of people who have changed later in life. I have changed a lot after I was 55!
Yes, I have known people who didn't change as well. So there are both kinds out there, those who change and those who don't.

 

[blackribbon]

The problem is neurological, a persons brain continues to grow until around the age of 25, after this it ceases and simply continues to self replicate. People who've gone through a few decades after this find themselves incapable of creating new relationships because they cannot remould themselves onto another human being. In short, people become incompatible. Only a few things can happen in this scenario, either people simply resort to relationships in which they are incompatible to lesser or greater degrees, meaning that they remain, to lesser or greater degrees, somewhat uncomfortable with their lives, or they stay alone incapable of forming significant relationships, or the relationships which are formed are one sided, asymmetrical.

Erikson's Psychosocial Developmental Stages suggests something totally different. It shows that we continue to develop in our ability to have relationships until death. In fact, the inability to make the appropriate growth changes as you progress through the last three stages shows a psychological problem. These stages are: 1. Intimacy vs Isolation (ages 20-40) and represent ability to "Love" 2. Generativity vs Stagnation (ages 40-65) and represent ability to "Care" 3. Ego Integrity vs Despair (ages 65 +) which represent "Maturity". And in fact, the inability to be able to develop new intimate relationships after the age 25 indicates an unhealthy inability to grow as a person (Isolation) and a psychological problem. It is NOT normal. And neurological growth and psychological growth are not the same thing (but even the suggestion that all neurological growth stops at 25 is also misleading because although many people stop "exercising" their brains, people most definitely can continue to learn for their entire lifespan unless they suffer from a disease process such as Alzheimer's).

Maybe there is something to think about in that many people who are single at this age may have had events that have caused them to get stuck in the unhealthy side of psychosocial development. As I apply what I know, I am thinking this gentleman is very much trying to establish his self-worth and make a mark on the world in a way that matters to him....so he is definitely fighting hard against the "stagnation" stage both through going back to school after having an unfullfilling job for most of his life and volunteering his time and new education instead of searching for a new career. I am not so sure that he actually didn't come through the Intimacy vs Isolation stage on the healthy side though. He appears to value accomplishments over relationships and doesn't really see how the ability to care about people on a personal level is a significant part of building a healthy relationship.

For anyone interested in reading more about these psychosocial levels, here is a good easy to read explanation. http://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html

 

[miss-a]

Some guys are just jerks and don't know how to relate to others. Some of us may not be jerks (I hope I'm not), but we still don't know how to relate to others--especially to women. Everything I learned about being man and a husband, I learned from my sorry-excuse-for-a-dad. He was selfish and only cared about his own desires and wants. He told me constantly that "Men never show emotions or say say "I love you", because it's a sign of weakness. He also constantly told me, "You're useless" and "You can't do anything right", and other endearing things he told me that caused me to grow up with a severe stutter and an inability to communicate with others, unable to make friends, and spending my life as a janitor because it was the only work I had the confidence to do; Anyone can do janitorial work. A lot of what and who a man is comes from his childhood that stays with him the rest of his life. Find out about a man's childhood and what his father was like, and you could learn a lot about him.

Thanks for sharing this. It's good for us to remember. P.S. Jesus thinks you're fabulous!