Older single men

[blackribbon]

The men I meet lately (50's crowd) seem to value their privacy and alone time over relationships. They are social but social when it fits them. They also like to talk about what they think but don't tend to ask questions to find out what I think. I don't know if they assume I agree if I don't interrupt them because I can't believe that if they believe that strongly on things that they wouldn't be interested to find out how I stand on the same issues. Is this why they are single in their 50s? Is this just normal for males or males in the "mature" age group?....or is it just the kind of guy I seem to attract?

I know there is another subset of mature men in this age group...party guys who still think they are 30 and want to date 20 year old women. I don't get asked out by these guys so they aren't an issue to me.

Dating at this age is so much different than dating a man when he was in his 20s.

 

[miss-a]

The men I meet lately (50's crowd) seem to value their privacy and alone time over relationships. They are social but social when it fits them. They also like to talk about what they think but don't tend to ask questions to find out what I think. I don't know if they assume I agree if I don't interrupt them because I can't believe that if they believe that strongly on things that they wouldn't be interested to find out how I stand on the same issues. Is this why they are single in their 50s? Is this just normal for males or males in the "mature" age group?....or is it just the kind of guy I seem to attract?

I know there is another subset of mature men in this age group...party guys who still think they are 30 and want to date 20 year old women. I don't get asked out by these guys so they aren't an issue to me.

Dating at this age is so much different than dating a man when he was in his 20s.

I've noticed the same thing, blackribbon, guys who talk about themselves and their thoughts, but don't inquire about me and mine. I don't have any answers, but I can confirm that it's happened to me more than once. I suspect it's because they are not interested in me, but rather they are interested in having someone, and as long as that someone fits the criteria they have, a certain age and appearance, the rest doesn't really matter. That doesn't really make a girl want to swoon, now, does it? However, I think the guy who is interested in me for me, as a daughter of God, is out there, so I'm not letting the shortcomings of these other guys get me down. And not only is he out there, he's got a friend, so when I find him and his friend I'll introduce you. Deal?

 

[blackribbon]

I've noticed the same thing, blackribbon, guys who talk about themselves and their thoughts, but don't inquire about me and mine. I don't have any answers, but I can confirm that it's happened to me more than once. I suspect it's because they are not interested in me, but rather they are interested in having someone, and as long as that someone fits the criteria they have, a certain age and appearance, the rest doesn't really matter. That doesn't really make a girl want to swoon, now, does it? However, I think the guy who is interested in me for me, as a daughter of God, is out there, so I'm not letting the shortcomings of these other guys get me down. And not only is he out there, he's got a friend, so when I find him and his friend I'll introduce you. Deal?

I wonder how it is that they determine I meet their criteria if they never ask me my opinions. I don't mind letting them talk because I learn a lot about whether or not I want to invest any time in this man. But after hearing the same things over and over like he is my preceptor/teacher but has no idea if I live my life that way or not, it starts to get old.

 

[exitstageright]

The men I meet lately (50's crowd) seem to value their privacy and alone time over relationships. They are social but social when it fits them. They also like to talk about what they think but don't tend to ask questions to find out what I think. I don't know if they assume I agree if I don't interrupt them because I can't believe that if they believe that strongly on things that they wouldn't be interested to find out how I stand on the same issues. Is this why they are single in their 50s? Is this just normal for males or males in the "mature" age group?....or is it just the kind of guy I seem to attract?

I know there is another subset of mature men in this age group...party guys who still think they are 30 and want to date 20 year old women. I don't get asked out by these guys so they aren't an issue to me.

Dating at this age is so much different than dating a man when he was in his 20s.

I just do not understand any of this! Women say that they want a man to listen to them. So,I play by the rules,and I listen to them.Then,the woman asks me,"Why are you so quiet?"
One christian woman,a scientist like myself,dumped me because she said I never ask her any questions.I told her,"But,but,I did ask you about your father." She replied,"Well,you did not ask me enough questions."
Now,how am I supposed to know how many questions to ask a woman? I cannot read her mind. There are times that I do not know what to ask. I have heard christian women say that they do not want a man to lie to them. That makes sense. Yet,christian have lied to me more than non-christian women have. So,women make up these rules .But, women are not following their own rules. This is so frustrating! No wonder men usually die before women.This is very stressful to a man.

However,I do enjoy meeting and dating women in my own age group.

 

[blackribbon]

I just do not understand any of this! Women say that they want a man to listen to them. So,I play by the rules,and I listen to them.Then,the woman asks me,"Why are you so quiet?"
One christian woman,a scientist like myself,dumped me because she said I never ask her any questions.I told her,"But,but,I did ask you about your father." She replied,"Well,you did not ask me enough questions."
Now,how am I supposed to know how many questions to ask a woman? I cannot read her mind. There are times that I do not know what to ask. I have heard christian women say that they do not want a man to lie to them. That makes sense. Yet,christian have lied to me more than non-christian women have. So,women make up these rules .But, women are not following their own rules. This is so frustrating! No wonder men usually die before women.This is very stressful to a man.

However,I do enjoy meeting and dating women in my own age group.

He didn't ask me hardly ANY questions about myself. I don't really care that much because honestly, I don't mind keeping my life fairly private while getting to know him. But I wonder how he will determine if he likes me.
I mean some things like our politics are pretty polar opposite. I know this because I listened to him talk. However, he doesn't know my politics to be able to determine if we clash too much for his comfort zone.

The last guy I went out with would talk about his opinions but every once in a while would stop and at least ask me if I agreed (surprisingly, he really was asking to find out). However, a lot of "conversation" felt like this guy's too...I quietly sit there listening to a lecture about what he believes.

Exit...I don't know if you ask too many questions or not...I have never met you. However, I am starting to see this as a common thread of our age group since I have male friends who are very similiar. They talk and want us to sit and listen in amazement...truthfully, I just want to have a conversation...the exchanging of ideas....no lectures....

And I don't know what your experience is with women lying but I am not sure what it has to do with my post. I am not trashing men...just trying to understand why they think like they do. And when I have seen it in multiple men that I interact with, I decided to ask questions. They certainly don't think the way they did back in their teens and twenties.

 

[dayhiker]

I think a lot of guys when they talk among themselves don't ask each other questions. I tell a story about me and then the next guy tells a story about him.
So if your with a guy like that, then just tells stories about yourself. If he isn't listening then clearly he isn't who you want to hang out with.
There have been a couple ladies who interrupted me quite often when I tried to tell a story about my life. I just came out and asked them to stop interrupting me when Iwas was talking. I almost never interrupt someone else when they are talking.

I do ask some questions, but not as many as I feel I should ask.
When I was young I didn't ask question or tall much about myself. That didn't work for me in relationships, so not I self reveal myself thru telling somethings about myself.

 

[exitstageright]

He didn't ask me hardly ANY questions about myself. I don't really care that much because honestly, I don't mind keeping my life fairly private while getting to know him. But I wonder how he will determine if he likes me.
I mean some things like our politics are pretty polar opposite. I know this because I listened to him talk. However, he doesn't know my politics to be able to determine if we clash too much for his comfort zone.

The last guy I went out with would talk about his opinions but every once in a while would stop and at least ask me if I agreed (surprisingly, he really was asking to find out). However, a lot of "conversation" felt like this guy's too...I quietly sit there listening to a lecture about what he believes.

Exit...I don't know if you ask too many questions or not...I have never met you. However, I am starting to see this as a common thread of our age group since I have male friends who are very similiar. They talk and want us to sit and listen in amazement...truthfully, I just want to have a conversation...the exchanging of ideas....no lectures....

And I don't know what your experience is with women lying but I am not sure what it has to do with my post. I am not trashing men...just trying to understand why they think like they do. And when I have seen it in multiple men that I interact with, I decided to ask questions. They certainly don't think the way they did back in their teens and twenties.

Oh, I get your point,about not wanting to hear a lecture. In other words,you want to have a dialogue instead of a ......monologue. The lying part was about how hypocritical I find some christian women. The "Golden Rule" seems to fly out of the window. In other words,I treat women the way I want to be treated. In a conflict,I try to negotiate by turning the situation into a "win-win" situation. Because,nobody wants or likes to lose.

 

[exitstageright]

I think a lot of guys when they talk among themselves don't ask each other questions. I tell a story about me and then the next guy tells a story about him.
So if your with a guy like that, then just tells stories about yourself. If he isn't listening then clearly he isn't who you want to hang out with.
There have been a couple ladies who interrupted me quite often when I tried to tell a story about my life. I just came out and asked them to stop interrupting me when Iwas was talking. I almost never interrupt someone else when they are talking.

I do ask some questions, but not as many as I feel I should ask.
When I was young I didn't ask question or tall much about myself. That didn't work for me in relationships, so not I self reveal myself thru telling somethings about myself.

I could not have said that any better,myself.

 

[miss-a]

For me, I guess I just don't want it to be staged, an orchestrated plan, and I tend to assume it's not. If a guy does not ask question about me I assume he's not that interested in who I really am, not that he's afraid to ask questions or thinks he should hold back. I need someone to just be who they are and me to be who I am, and if we connect we connect and if we don't we don't. I don't want a guy to hold back for fear I won't like him, but in truth, if all he does is talk about himself and not ask about me, I probably won't want to spend anymore time with him. But in that case, at least he's been his true self, and so have I. I think there's a guy out there with whom one day there will be a good chemistry and we can just talk like brother and sister in Christ and get to know each other. Until then, there's the cat, who, btw, studies me intently. She wants to know who I am, and she is especially intent on keeping up with when I eat!

 

[blackribbon]

Thanks for the insight, Dayhiker. I don't think I realized was how men communicated. Maybe that will help me understand how to talk "man-speak". How is it interpreted if someone doesn't participate or tell their own stories?

Miss-a, I don't need a guy to learn to communicate like a girl. I suspect that often a guy does stage his conversation a lot so that he doesn't have to worry about "uncomfortable silence" and it also covers nervousness. That sounds like human nature. Since my job is now talking about often very intimate details of a person's life with a complete stranger, I am pretty good at the art of keeping a conversation moving forward...but in the nurse/patient conversation, I give out very few personal details and the ones I do are not that personal but used to encourage the other person to talk. I may have forgotten how to have dialogue but rather step back almost too easily. I'll have to think about that one. The beauty is that if I learn to speak "their" language, I know how to teach them how to listen to mine.

Also, good to talk to you Exit. I try hard not to hang the sins of a few on whole groups but rather try to understand why people respond certain ways, especially if I see trends with multiple people in that subgroup. Maybe I don't have as high of expectations out of a date as you do either. I am hoping to make a friend and if something grows from that, great! but chances are more likely that most people aren't matches.

And FYI, I think the moment I paid for my own dinner is the point where I assumed that this was more a "friendzone" situation than a date. He lost the opportunity to start on a higher plane at that moment over about $15 (I never splurge if I think someone else might be paying). I don't think I had any real expectations but he set the boundaries. "Two friends spending some time together."

 

[miss-a]

Thanks for the insight, Dayhiker. I don't think I realized was how men communicated. Maybe that will help me understand how to talk "man-speak". How is it interpreted if someone doesn't participate or tell their own stories?

Miss-a, I don't need a guy to learn to communicate like a girl. I suspect that often a guy does stage his conversation a lot so that he doesn't have to worry about "uncomfortable silence" and it also covers nervousness. That sounds like human nature. Since my job is now talking about often very intimate details of a person's life with a complete stranger, I am pretty good at the art of keeping a conversation moving forward...but in the nurse/patient conversation, I give out very few personal details and the ones I do are not that personal but used to encourage the other person to talk. I may have forgotten how to have dialogue but rather step back almost too easily. I'll have to think about that one. The beauty is that if I learn to speak "their" language, I know how to teach them how to listen to mine.

Also, good to talk to you Exit. I try hard not to hang the sins of a few on whole groups but rather try to understand why people respond certain ways, especially if I see trends with multiple people in that subgroup. Maybe I don't have as high of expectations out of a date as you do either. I am hoping to make a friend and if something grows from that, great! but chances are more likely that most people aren't matches.

And FYI, I think the moment I paid for my own dinner is the point where I assumed that this was more a "friendzone" situation than a date. He lost the opportunity to start on a higher plane at that moment over about $15 (I never splurge if I think someone else might be paying). I don't think I had any real expectations but he set the boundaries. "Two friends spending some time together."

You know, I've been hearing about this expecting their dates to pay for dinner thing. Two thumbs down. If it happens to me, I think I'll just hit the ladies room and never come back. If they let me know up front that that it's not a date, that's okay. Then we can just pack a lunch and hit the park. That's in my budget. But don't ask me to a restaurant I can't afford and then expect me to pay for a dinner I never would have purchased in the first place. Not this budget girl. I can make fifteen organic hummus sandwiches for fifteen dollars. And if some dude sabotages my budget, oh I pitty the fool. The ladies room it is!

 

[blackribbon]

You know, I've been hearing about this expecting their dates to pay for dinner thing. Two thumbs down. If it happens to me, I think I'll just hit the ladies room and never come back. If they let me know up front that that it's not a date, that's okay. Then we can just pack a lunch and hit the park. That's in my budget. But don't ask me to a restaurant I can't afford and then expect me to pay for a dinner I never would have purchased in the first place. Not this budget girl. I can make fifteen organic hummus sandwiches for fifteen dollars. And if some dude sabotages my budget, oh I pitty the fool. The ladies room it is!

Why does the man have to pay? If his contribution is financial, what is the woman's contribution? Do you really think it is to show up and be pretty? That that is equal? I didn't make the assumption either way beforehand but I think he should have mentioned separate checks to the waitress at the beginning like I do with girlfriends. Paying for myself wasn't bad because it relieves the stress of what is expected of me in return.

I have never really figured out how to ask to pay for my own meal...my preference to keep the date on an obligation free level. I did go online and decided what I was going to order in advance and knew I had enough money. My money is tight related to single mom obligation but I have a job where people know I make okay money. I think if I couldn't afford a meal, I'd have told him upfront that the restaurant in question was too expensive for my budget so that he could either offer to cover me (like have for friends when they couldn't afford a place I wanted to eat at) or could pick a different restaurant.

 

[miss-a]

Why does the man have to pay? If his contribution is financial, what is the woman's contribution? Do you really think it is to show up and be pretty? That that is equal? I didn't make the assumption either way beforehand but I think he should have mentioned separate checks to the waitress at the beginning like I do with girlfriends. Paying for myself wasn't bad because it relieves the stress of what is expected of me in return.

I am a bit curious because although I put a good tip on the check, my debit card was only charged the base meal price. I wonder if he covered a tip so well the waitress just disregarded mine....or if she pitied me?...LOL. Just another weird thing related to dinner. Dating is so different now that when I did it before.

I don't necessarily think a man should have to pay. But if whoever suggests the dinner out I think bares the responsiblity of making it clear what's happening. If he fails to do that, I'm hittin' the ladies room and sneakin' out the back before I blow my budget on some non-nutritious food that doesn't taste half as good as what I make at home. Because, what I'm hearing from some ladies, the story sounds more like the guy intended for it to be a date and then changed his mind mid way, for whatever reason, and expected her to pay her share at the end of the dinner. Poop on that. Be clear up front or pay, if the dinner was your idea. I'm just sayin'. I mean really, I wouldn't ask someone to my home for dinner and expect them to reimburse me for what they ate, the paper napkin and the tenth of a teaspoon of dishwasher soap it would take to clean the dishes they used. Holy guacamole. Decorum people. Decorum!!! (I'd put a cute little emoticom here if I could find them, so you'd know I'm serious about this but still good natured)

 

[blackribbon]

I don't necessarily think a man should have to pay. But if whoever suggests the dinner out I think bares the responsiblity of making it clear what's happening. If he fails to do that, I'm hittin' the ladies room and sneakin' out the back before I blow my budget on some non-nutritious food that doesn't taste half as good as what I make at home. Because, what I'm hearing from some ladies, the story sounds more like the guy intended for it to be a date and then changed his mind mid way, for whatever reason, and expected her to pay her share at the end of the dinner. Poop on that. Be clear up front or pay, if the dinner was your idea. I'm just sayin'. I mean really, I wouldn't ask someone to my home for dinner and expect them to reimburse me for what they ate, the paper napkin and the tenth of a teaspoon of dishwasher soap it would take to clean the dishes they used. Holy guacamole. Decorum people. Decorum!!! (I'd put a cute little emoticom here if I could find them, so you'd know I'm serious about this but still good natured)

If a girlfriend suggests that you go out to eat, do you assume she is going to pay for both meals unless she clarifies in the beginning? What exactly is a "date"? Isn't it just two people getting together and enjoying each other's company...maybe getting to know each other better? If I were inviting someone over into my home, that would suggest and entirely different level of intimacy (regardless of if this is a male friend or female friend). A meeting in public is much more casual. Personally, I don't think meeting for a meal is ever "just about the food" and I LIKE not having to cook or clean up afterwards. If the budget and the quality of the food really bother you, then why are you so willing to spend his money on food you don't like? Counter suggest a picnic at the park or like place and divide the food responsibilities.

Again, if you are assuming he is paying for the food, then what are your "responsibilities" to contribute to the get-together? I don't think "Decorum" is ever the right answer for real life. What about decorum means that the man has to pay to spend time with a woman and she gets to go along completely free or has the right to ditch the guy with the price of two dinners?

What is a "date" with a guy you barely know? I think I like have no expectations of me "owing" him even a kiss for the price of a dinner and a movie. I believe this particular gentleman asked me if I'd like to join him for dinner...not "would you like to go on a date with me?" (honestly, I don't think any man has ever asked me to "go on a date.")

Decorum? Where do we get these ideas? Why should the man pay when we also have jobs and are living as independent adults?

 

[dayhiker]

Well, I can certianly understand not wanting to blow a budget on a date. I'd feel really bad if I did that to a woman.

I'm always ready to pay for the meal if I ask a lady out. I find almost always ladies offer to pay half, especially if they have a drink and I just have water.
Which I accept if offered.
I'd not think very well of a lady who couldn't talk to me about her financial situation and limitation with the cost of the meal by walking out with
a pretence of going to the bathroom.

 

[blackribbon]

Well, I can certianly understand not wanting to blow a budget on a date. I'd feel really bad if I did that to a woman.

I'm always ready to pay for the meal if I ask a lady out. I find almost always ladies offer to pay half, especially if they have a drink and I just have water.
Which I accept if offered.
I'd not think very well of a lady who couldn't talk to me about her financial situation and limitation with the cost of the meal by walking out with
a pretence of going to the bathroom.

Out of curiosity, when do most women bring up the offer of paying for their share? I haven't figured this one out yet. On this particular "date", it never even got to the point of the check hitting the table. On a previous date with a different man, I actually discussed it when we were making the arrangements ... "dinner is my treat (with my intention being that I'd get to pick the restaurant) and I'll let you pick and get the movie price (again, then he was in control of how much he spent and I didn't care if the movie wasn't my top choice)". Ironic, he obviously didn't listen to me because he vetoed my restaurant suggestion and was terribly startled when I reached for the check....but to be honest, I was tired of listening to him complain about how much things cost (in general, not in that restaurant). I know what he did for a living and he easily makes twice what I do but the goal was to shut him up from putting a price tag on us spending time together.

 

[miss-a]

Well, I guess I'm just bugged that chivalry and romance are clearly dying of the same disease. I'm not quite sure what that disease is. But I wish I'd never been allowed to watch the old movies when I was a kid, the ones where a guy treated a lady like she was special because she was and he didn't need to receive payment of any kind, her company was enough. Curse you, writers of old! (where are the little happy faces kept these days?!?)

 

[miss-a]

If a girlfriend suggests that you go out to eat, do you assume she is going to pay for both meals unless she clarifies in the beginning? What exactly is a "date"? Isn't it just two people getting together and enjoying each other's company...maybe getting to know each other better? If I were inviting someone over into my home, that would suggest and entirely different level of intimacy (regardless of if this is a male friend or female friend). A meeting in public is much more casual. Personally, I don't think meeting for a meal is ever "just about the food" and I LIKE not having to cook or clean up afterwards. If the budget and the quality of the food really bother you, then why are you so willing to spend his money on food you don't like? Counter suggest a picnic at the park or like place and divide the food responsibilities.

Again, if you are assuming he is paying for the food, then what are your "responsibilities" to contribute to the get-together? I don't think "Decorum" is ever the right answer for real life. What about decorum means that the man has to pay to spend time with a woman and she gets to go along completely free or has the right to ditch the guy with the price of two dinners?

What is a "date" with a guy you barely know? I think I like have no expectations of me "owing" him even a kiss for the price of a dinner and a movie. I believe this particular gentleman asked me if I'd like to join him for dinner...not "would you like to go on a date with me?" (honestly, I don't think any man has ever asked me to "go on a date.")

Decorum? Where do we get these ideas? Why should the man pay when we also have jobs and are living as independent adults?

Ah, I get it now. You can only use the happy faces if you quote. Hmmm. First they do in chivalry, then romance, then they limit the happy faces. What will be next?I stand corrected. Found 'em. You can use the emoticons if you don't quote. Okay, this is an hopeful turn of events. I'm going to click around some more and see if I can find some chivalry and romance.

 

[miss-a]

P. S. We girls still aren't making the wage the boys are: http://mic.com/articles/83703/here-...-make-than-men-by-state-in-one-map#.I39aasHcI

 

[miss-a]

P.P.S. I do make it a practice to tell both men and women who want to eat out that I don't have the budget for that, and I often suggest I make something and we eat at my place or picnic. Not a single one has ever offered to pay for the food, nor have I expect it or a kiss. I mean were Christians. We give. That's what we do. And there's nothing wrong with allowing others to give to us. And back in the day when guys did pay for the meal, I always reciprocated with a home cooked meal for them. So they did get something back, but it wasn't a contractual agreement, quid pro quo, but rather two people giving.