Older man with Asperger

Aaron112 said:

Speaking bad of parents brings a curse.

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My parents are not Christians. My father already died, so he is burning in hell its just a reality. My mother is still alive, I guess there is still a chance to save her, but I don't have enough guts.

Aaron112 said:

Speaking bad of parents brings a curse to the one speaking,
it may or may not affect the parents.

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Thats not what Jesus taught.

48 But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?

49 And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!

50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

Aaron112 said:

It remains written and unchanged: Singleness is a gift from the Creator in Heaven, and marriage is a gift from the Creator in heaven. Blessed is the one who accepts the Creator's choice.

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The belief in "gift of singleness" is self-fulfilling prophecy. Christians believe in gift of singleness so they aren't trying to help me find anyone and as a result I remain single so they think it was a gift but its not its social construct.

In some of the other message boards many years ago someone told me that Christians marry at a young age because they are afraid that, if they don't, others will assume they have "gift of singleness" and keep them in the single status. So I guess they know its not a "gift" since they are trying to avoid this predicament by marrying young.

Thats one thing I don't agree with most people. My mentality -- not only with relationships but with career too -- is "better late than never". I always wanted to be a theoretical physicist. I am 45 year old, and I am not a professor yet. But I am still trying. Better late than never. Others disagree.

Well, with women it brings me back to "male privilege" mentioned few posts earlier: women don't have an ability to have children late because they are infertile yet I still want kids. But again, its my parents fault! If it wasn't for my parents, I wouldn't have been acting like "privileged man" and I would have married in my late 20s and had kids that would have probably been teenagers by now! My parents held me back (so its not "gift of singleness" its a combination of my parents, my Asperger's, and social rejection). Lets fix it now.

Back to "gift of singleness". Due to Asperger I have bad social skills so I don't have friends either. How do you expect me to find a partner if I don't have friends?! So maybe its not gift of singleness, it is social ostracism.

To give you idea of my bad social skills, I have naturally loud voice, I forget to tuck in shirt, my hair is messy, I come across as argumentative, I don't remember people's names and faces so I don't recognize them on the street, I don't remember to say hello, bye, please, thank you, when I do talk I talk about myself and not about other people, I ask a lot of help (such as "help me find job") but I don't offer help to other people, etc. As a result of all this, I am friendless. As a result of being friendless, I am single. Would you classify this as gift of singleness?

Aaron112 said:

That's not at all in line with any Scripture, unless it is.
Jesus simply said it is a gift from the Creator. Nothing more to be added nor taken away.
Why argue with the truth anyway ?

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You won't say it to someone who is 20 and single. You say it to me because I am 45 and single.

Aaron112 said:

Listen to Jesus, not me. He said it. I believe Him.

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If it is as simple as the above quote shows, why is it you won't say it to a 20 year old with good social skills: you only say it to 45 year old who is socially awkward?

Aaron112 said:

Jesus acknowledges that not everyone is suited for marriage

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How do you know I am one of the people that were not suited for marriage? Its not like I been married and failed. Rather its that I never went through the door.

Well, as I typed "being married and failing", I sort of see one answer to my own question. Jesus said divorce is adultery (which, by the way, is probably the number one thing that was scaring me back in my late 20-s, even more than my parents). So that means that there SHOULD be a way to evaluate suitability without having to "try and fail".

But still: what about "trying and failing" at earlier stages? Thats what dating is for! But none of the normal women ever date me because they are all being turned off by my Asperger. So how do you know it won't have worked out?

Yes, I mentioned the woman that DID date me (the one whom my parents disapproved of). But she is not "normal" by any stretch: she is 275 lbl, she was suicidal at some point of our relationship, and, from what I know now, she is infertile: so since my main goal is continue my blood line, she won't fulfill it. And in fact I myself knew I wasn't in love with her from the get-go, regardless of what my parents said: I was simply settling on her because nobody else liked me. And its not just her. If I go through the list of all the other women I dated, it was always a combination of them being abnormal in one way or the other (always overweight but lots of other stuff on top of that) as well as the relationship being long distance. The only woman (also very overweight) who wasn't abnormal was my first ex, but she was ashamed to introduce me to her friends: her friends were telling her "stop dating retard" and she never stood up for me.

Anyway, the point is: I never had an opportunity to date a NORMAL woman and have NORMAL relationship. So how do you know I am not suitable for marriage? Maybe I am not suitable for marriage with those abnormal women I was settling on. Maybe if only I were with a normal woman I actually like, the relationsihp would have been just fine. But the problem is those normal women never like me because they judge book by the book cover. So how can you say I am not suitable for marriage if I am judged by a book cover?

Aaron112 said:

You do not understand. I say the same thing to everyone: the truth. As Jesus Says Himself.

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So would you say to 20 year old, who is single, not to seek a partner? But then, by your logic, everyone would remain single. Nobody is born with a partner. So everyone was single at some point. If they were to all embrace their "gift of singleness" back at the time when they were single, none of them would marry. So why are some Christians married?

By the way, what about you: are you married? If yes: why didn't you embrace your "gift of singleness" back when you were single, and seeked out your wife?

Aaron112 said:

Jesus did not say to seek a partner. He said to seek God's Kingdom. Accept God's Plan. Simple.

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If so, then all the Christians today that are married disobeyed Jesus. How did they marry if they didn't seek the partner?

Aaron112 said:

See what is written in the Bible. It is written out for us.
p.s. many people sinfully seek a partner, and are even encouraged (in the carnal flesh?) to do so !

If and when God arranges a wedding, accept that. If He does not , accept that. His Way is always good and true and right.

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What about you? Did you marry? If yes, did you seek out a partner before you got married?

And also: why does this forum have "Singles" section? I thought you said not to seek out a partner?

bèlla said:

But you can’t have a future with someone who won’t accept you.

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And I didn't say I wanted a future with someone who can't accept me. As a matter of fact, the whole point of why I want to be with someone (apart from continuing genetic line which is also paramount) is to be accepted. So if someone can't accept me, that would ruin the point. As a matter of fact, even if someone "can" accept it but I feel like its consolation prize, that would ruin the point too (back in Fall 2019 I purposely ghosted a woman because I felt like she stayed with me as a consolation prize).

However, this doesn't change what I am complaing about. It simply rephrases it. The complait is: why don't women accept me?

And even that should be rephrased further. Because you see, my first ex, back in 2003, accepted me. But that wasn't good, because she accepted her assumptions of me rather than me. For example, she read that people on the spectrum have sensory issues. I don't. But she assumed I do, and accepted it. That was a problem because due to her assumptions she wasn't taking me to hang out with her friends at a bar since its "too loud", when actually it wasn't. Now, in this case she dated me, we got engaged. I had to ghost her because I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that.

Then there are other women that rejected me for assumptions that aren't true. I remember one woman asking me am I okay with holding hands or am I just intellectual? First of all, I might be intellectual but I am not STUPID. Intellectual people hold hands too. The right word to use is RAINMAN not intellectual, and no I am not rainman. Saying I am okay with holding hands is an understantement. It is very painful for me to watch others holding hands and seeing how much I miss out. So I wish someone could hold my hands, but unfortunately nobody does. So should I hope for someone who can accept my supposed difference that I don't want to be touched, when it is simply not true?

So my ultimate complaint is: how do I know, if people knew how I really am, they won't be able to accept me? How do I know the issue is, in fact, them not liking real me, as opposed to them not liking assumption of me? If they were to reject me for something thats true, then I would accept it. Here is an example. I met a woman on a dating site who said she wanted to be friends but didn't want to date me because she was more into colored men (she herself was white) and into men of bigger size. I wasn't upset even a bit. I gladly accepted her friendship (although unfortunately I lost touch with her). I even told her that she was the first one in a long time who rejected me without my getting upset because it wasn't about any assumptions that are wrong.

bèlla said:

The things you’re unable to do or give aren’t minor.

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How do you know I am unable to give those things? Maybe I am not giving those things because nobody gave me a chance to. I can't give anything to a stranger.

Let me give an example. So that woman whom my parents didn't approve and who was 275 lbl, when she became sick and could barely walk, I took care of her. But nobody would predict that. Normally I am all me-me-me-me-me. In fact, even with her, first four months of a relationship it was also me-me-me-me-me. But then when she became sick I took care of her. Why? No it wasn't so I can keep her. It was because I genuinely cared about her. As a proof of this, when she started all those fights about me putting physics research above her and me putting parents plans above her plans, I felt trapped and I was wishing I never met her. Yet I didn't have guts to break up with her, because I didn't want to hurt her. I was wishing she could leave on her own which she finally did. Yet, that particular motivation only started after she was sick. My initial reason of getting with her was all because of me.

So you see how it shifted. It started out with "I need her so I don't feel alone" and it ended with "I don't want her but I will stay with her so she wont be hurt" What this shows is that my personality is all in context. The context is: I am all by myself. Of course in that particular context I will be selfish. But once I am with someone I can change and not be selfish any more.

By the same token, maybe other aspects of my personality can also change when I am with someone. The way I normally act is: I don't know how to start and continue conversation, I don't remember peoples names, faces, etc. Yet I didn't have those issues with the women I dated. Why? Because I knew them well. But you see, those issues didn't just go away from the very first date. They went away after familiarity developed which took time. My problem is: why aren't women willing to take time?

Back to accepting: What I want is I want them to judge me by my potential, not by what they see at the moment. I don't think I have a potential to lift 200 lbl. So if they want someone who can lift 200 lbl, then yes they can go ahead and reject me, I don't have issues with that. But I do have potential to maybe develop better social skills once I am no longer isolated. So I want them to take this into account.