I'm 19 and have had many struggles in my life, especially in the last few years. I have always had emotional problems especially in my early teens. Just a year ago, when I went away to college, my life felt out of control... I was dealing with Intrusive thoughts ranging from violent, to sexual, to blasphemous. The anxiety and depression from these thoughts skewed my perception of reality making everything feel like a dream. I seeked counseling who later told me to go to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with OCD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD all of which have plagued members of my family for years. However I am on a combo of medications that have leveled me off to at least make me think clearly.
The relationship between Jesus and the members of my family is very complicated. I have an extended family whom I am very close with. My Grandparents were brought up Catholic and have remained so, however I feel my Grandmother does not practice what she preaches. She is a very angry person who had a past of abuse and never forgave or let it go. she carries herself around very depressed--- violently angry one moment, sweet and caring the other moment. I have a very close relationship with my grandmother, but it really upsets me knowing she will likely leave this without finding Jesus. I continue to pray for her.
I have an Aunt and Uncle who were brought up Catholic as well but become members of Assemblies of God. They though went through similar struggles as I did but with the help of Jesus and some medication both live stable fulfilling lives. My mom goes to a Catholic church, however I believe she has strong faith but doesn't talk about it openly. One of my brothers who is a twin, followed the path of Jesus in a healthy way. He had his issues but he recognized them, becoming a faithful servant of the Lord.
HOWEVER, his twin has had a really rocky life which has deeply affected me since about the age of 8. You see he had a severe case of OCD but never admit it to himself. He went through a year of a very dark phase. He listened to death metal, and became solitary as if the life was sucked right out of him. However, Something happened to wake him up. I was young at the time so I never knew what happened. But from what my mom told me he reported his bed shaking several times during the night. In addition to that my mom saw a dark figure at the end of her bed. She was terrified. It seems this triggered my brother to do a complete 360. However, even though he supposedly turned to Jesus, he ultimately hurt himself and our family more than before. I believe in a healthy relationship with Jesus, however my brother took it so far I believe as if the enemy had an influence on him. He sat in his room all day with his bible, retyped verses on his laptop as if he was possessed, wore all black and white clothing and shaved his head. The little I remember of my brother was a thing of the past. He became a vegetable. The scariest part is he fasted to the point of being emaciated. He had many health problems and would faint from the lack of nutrition he had in his body. This was incredibly disturbing for me and it caused my family so much distress. I was afraid of him, not knowing what he would do. My dads response (whom is rather agnostic) was anger. He would scream and yell at him taking pictures of him smashing them to the ground. My mom would cry, begging to talk to him, but he never talked. One day he left a note and flew to Kentucky. Some family took him in and over a span of 4 years, completely transformed him. I've seen life in him for the first time since I was very little. It's as if Jesus healed him through the pastor that took him in. After 9 years I felt like I finally got my brother back.
As a result of what happened with my brother I have had an off and on again relationship with the lord. When I was around 12, I remember riding in my brothers car (the one who had a healthy relationship with Jesus). The music he listened to just touched me in such a way I felt compelled to learn more about Jesus, I began to have a lot of faith at that age. However, it was right around the time I went through puberty and began having lustful thoughts. I began masturbating, not having and idea what I was doing. I never even knew what it was but if felt so wrong. I remember sobbing in by bed until the break of dawn with such a feeling of sickness. I would pray to God to forgive me and used to promise I would never do it again but then would fall into the same trap.<staff edit> What I could not accept and will never accept are the homosexual feelings that go along with it. <staff edit> I do still fundamentally believe homosexual thoughts are wrong in the eyes of God. I want to be with a woman some day and and have children of my own. I pray every night that the Holy spirit gives me strength to overcome this demon. I have thought of going to my (normal) brothers church but I don't want him to know about my lustful thoughts. While I do feel an incredible connection to God through prayer and music, I feel something holds me back. Every time I have a lustful thought I feel pushed away from God. Of course having OCD sometimes blinds me from the Truth. I obsess about little things fearing Jesus is upset from little things I do that probably aren't even sinful. I lot of what happened with my brother is difficult to let go of and while I feel I need to read the word, I know my OCD will just blind me and scare me. I've cried on on several occasions on my knees accepting Jesus as my Lord and savior asking him to save me. I KNOW for a fact the holy spirit has touched me. There is a warmth and elation that you can't even explain when it happens. I pray every night, but I just don't know how I can combat my demons. Does anyone have any good prayers or verses to help me out? I still feel so lost and empty at times. The enemy is a tricky thing to defeat. Are there any overcomers here?
The relationship between Jesus and the members of my family is very complicated. I have an extended family whom I am very close with. My Grandparents were brought up Catholic and have remained so, however I feel my Grandmother does not practice what she preaches. She is a very angry person who had a past of abuse and never forgave or let it go. she carries herself around very depressed--- violently angry one moment, sweet and caring the other moment. I have a very close relationship with my grandmother, but it really upsets me knowing she will likely leave this without finding Jesus. I continue to pray for her.
I have an Aunt and Uncle who were brought up Catholic as well but become members of Assemblies of God. They though went through similar struggles as I did but with the help of Jesus and some medication both live stable fulfilling lives. My mom goes to a Catholic church, however I believe she has strong faith but doesn't talk about it openly. One of my brothers who is a twin, followed the path of Jesus in a healthy way. He had his issues but he recognized them, becoming a faithful servant of the Lord.
HOWEVER, his twin has had a really rocky life which has deeply affected me since about the age of 8. You see he had a severe case of OCD but never admit it to himself. He went through a year of a very dark phase. He listened to death metal, and became solitary as if the life was sucked right out of him. However, Something happened to wake him up. I was young at the time so I never knew what happened. But from what my mom told me he reported his bed shaking several times during the night. In addition to that my mom saw a dark figure at the end of her bed. She was terrified. It seems this triggered my brother to do a complete 360. However, even though he supposedly turned to Jesus, he ultimately hurt himself and our family more than before. I believe in a healthy relationship with Jesus, however my brother took it so far I believe as if the enemy had an influence on him. He sat in his room all day with his bible, retyped verses on his laptop as if he was possessed, wore all black and white clothing and shaved his head. The little I remember of my brother was a thing of the past. He became a vegetable. The scariest part is he fasted to the point of being emaciated. He had many health problems and would faint from the lack of nutrition he had in his body. This was incredibly disturbing for me and it caused my family so much distress. I was afraid of him, not knowing what he would do. My dads response (whom is rather agnostic) was anger. He would scream and yell at him taking pictures of him smashing them to the ground. My mom would cry, begging to talk to him, but he never talked. One day he left a note and flew to Kentucky. Some family took him in and over a span of 4 years, completely transformed him. I've seen life in him for the first time since I was very little. It's as if Jesus healed him through the pastor that took him in. After 9 years I felt like I finally got my brother back.
As a result of what happened with my brother I have had an off and on again relationship with the lord. When I was around 12, I remember riding in my brothers car (the one who had a healthy relationship with Jesus). The music he listened to just touched me in such a way I felt compelled to learn more about Jesus, I began to have a lot of faith at that age. However, it was right around the time I went through puberty and began having lustful thoughts. I began masturbating, not having and idea what I was doing. I never even knew what it was but if felt so wrong. I remember sobbing in by bed until the break of dawn with such a feeling of sickness. I would pray to God to forgive me and used to promise I would never do it again but then would fall into the same trap.<staff edit> What I could not accept and will never accept are the homosexual feelings that go along with it. <staff edit> I do still fundamentally believe homosexual thoughts are wrong in the eyes of God. I want to be with a woman some day and and have children of my own. I pray every night that the Holy spirit gives me strength to overcome this demon. I have thought of going to my (normal) brothers church but I don't want him to know about my lustful thoughts. While I do feel an incredible connection to God through prayer and music, I feel something holds me back. Every time I have a lustful thought I feel pushed away from God. Of course having OCD sometimes blinds me from the Truth. I obsess about little things fearing Jesus is upset from little things I do that probably aren't even sinful. I lot of what happened with my brother is difficult to let go of and while I feel I need to read the word, I know my OCD will just blind me and scare me. I've cried on on several occasions on my knees accepting Jesus as my Lord and savior asking him to save me. I KNOW for a fact the holy spirit has touched me. There is a warmth and elation that you can't even explain when it happens. I pray every night, but I just don't know how I can combat my demons. Does anyone have any good prayers or verses to help me out? I still feel so lost and empty at times. The enemy is a tricky thing to defeat. Are there any overcomers here?
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. I know I just need to meditate on it every night. The most difficult part is controlling lustful thoughts and urges. Deep inside, I want an emotional connection with a woman. Its nearly impossible to think about having an emotional connection with a person of the same sex. Thankfully I never has emotional feelings towards the same sex, just lust. The fact that only have an emotional connection to females, I believe is Jesus showing me who who I am supposed to be. I believe through the power of prayer both you and I will overcome this. I will pray for you. God Bless! 
