This is one of those bad days. stbxh has just come back from visiting a girl in Canada. We've been married 24 years on Monday. He wants a divorce, of course. I waffle between knowing that our marriage is worth working to save and knowing that the trust is broken. The pain is sometimes so bad it's physical. Other times I know I'm going to make it, I'll be okay. I can have fun with friends, I have a great boss and with a government job, I should be fine in retirement. I know I'd probably have lost him to death eventually since women live longer than men, but that doesn't really help the pain. We're trying to make it a friendly divorce. He's going to see my therapist ostensibly to help me through the divorce, I'm hoping the therapist will help him see it's a mid-life crisis and divorce is not the answer and won't make him happy. The question now is do I really want him to try to come back? I don't want to face the possibility of hurting like this again. I'm quite sure I'll be spending the rest of my life alone. I had a lot of trouble trusting him in the beginning (I have trouble trusting anyone). I don't see how I could ever trust anyone again. Am I playing into the enemy's hand? Is he causing the trouble? Is God using this for something? I'm scared of being alone, but for pete's sake, I'm 50 years old, if I'm not grown up yet I guess I never will be. We had some wonderful moments. Just last summer we stood on a dune while the breeze blew and I just felt so loved, so whole. I hate the idea that'll never happen again. I see wedding rings on everybody's hands and I hate it! I should be happy that I married, that I had that moment on the dune, some people never had that. I wish Jesus would just come and get me. Oh well, enough whining. Please pray for me. He needs prayer too and I try to pray for him. I want him to regret this for a long time and that's not right either. I'm bigger than that and I guess that'll just have to be enough.
