offering and rebuff

[ZiSunka]

.

 

[Stanfi]

Hi lambslove!!

Remember my other thread?? This guy is what I would call "Damaged". He can't make up his mind.


Seriously though, It does sound like he likes you, but once it dawns on him and he starts to think and anlayze where this could possibly lead. He panicks and back off.

 

[ZiSunka]

.

 

[Stanfi]

I'm willing to just be friends with him. That would suit me just fine.

I think if this guy truthfuly wants something more than frienship with you. Then you will continue to have this roller coaster effect.

I guess you will just have to pick him up by the shirt collar and say "Listen here buddy, what's your deal?? One minute your flirty, next your distant."

Men and women relationships are such a pain. I'm starting to believe that.

 

[ZiSunka]

2.) "Damaged" - These are usually women that have been hurt badly in previous relationships. They have never recovered from those experiences. They can't make up their mind as to what they want to do. They end up stringing guys along, and the experience is usually a nightmare. A complete emotional roller coaster with enough loops to make you loose your lunch for a month.

Hmm, I see what you mean. I know he's had a few relationships, and at least one of them ended painfully. So it may well be that he just doesn't want to start another relationship that might hurt.

 

[Stanfi]

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Hmm, I see what you mean. I know he's had a few relationships, and at least one of them ended painfully. So it may well be that he just doesn't want to start another relationship that might hurt.

Yes, this is what I was referring to, but you said it much nicer.

 

[ZiSunka]

I guess you will just have to pick him up by the shirt collar and say "Listen here buddy, what's your deal?? One minute your flirty, next your distant."

If only I could. Trust me, I've wanted to do that.

Think I should just write him off and count my blessings then?

 

[Stanfi]

Think I should just write him off and count my blessings then?

This is a tough question. The only thing I can say is: If I were in your situation, and one minute someone showed intrest in me and the next time they didn't. And this situation kept reoccuring, I would have to do one of two things. First I would have to confront the person, and find out the reason for their behavior. Sometimes things are easier for me when I understand someone, or 2.) I would have to walk away. The emotional roller coaster would eventually take it's toll on me and I would not be able to deal with it.

If I really did like the person, I would confront them, and talk to them. You only get one shot at life, and you never know unless you try.

From my own experience, once you have been hurt badly, it's really hard to trust someone again. You know, stick your finger in a light socket and get shocked, why do it again? So, it takes someone very special to come into your life, in order to cause you to open up, and completely let your guard down.

I know I'm writing in First, Second and probaly third person all at once. I'm at work posting between things so, I hope I make some sense.

 

[ZiSunka]

Confrontations aren't all that fun, and they usually end up bad.

Walk away and just keep emotionally distant next time he does this, may be the best answer.

 

[Stanfi]

Confrontations aren't all that fun, and they usually end up bad.

I agree whole heartedly with this. They are usually very awkard, and go bad. If you feel you can walk away and don't need any answers from him, then that would be the easiest and best option.

I guess it just depends on the depth of your emotional involvement, whether you need to know why he does the things that he does or not.

Hopefully someone else will reply soon, lambslove and you can get some good advice..

 

[DaveKerwin]

Lambslove, I got this one

I am a very confident person, but with women, I get goofy, which I think is what this guy is experiencing. I am sure of two things in your situation:

1. He likes the idea of being close to you.
2. He is afraid of the idea of being close to you.

He is torn, so he needs some encouragement. FLIRT BACK! When I was in his situation, I hesitated until I was certain there was mutual interest. It may not be necessary to ask him what is up, but it is necessary to show interest back, in an obvious way. Send him emails, tell him what is goin on in your life, tell him things you enjoy doing. That ought to do it

 

[ZiSunka]

Why would he be afraid to be close to me?

 

[DaveKerwin]

Why would he be afraid to be close to me?

Big payoffs require big risks. Big risks = big fears.

By no means is he afraid of you, just the risk involved wtih dating. For myself, I know I did not want to get involved with someone just for the heck of it, I wanted something long term, something real, something worthwhile. But I wanted to be sure before I gave it my all and risked my time, money, eomtions, etc. If this is true for him, then he is trying to decide. Mabye I am lookign too much into this, but I am just sharing how I felt in a seemingly similar situation. If you like the guy, and he flirts with you, then flirt back. The guy may be looking for a positive sign that you are interested, which it sounds like you are. And on the other hand, he could be a total flake, lol. I think you would figure it all out with how he responds to your friendliness.

 

[ZiSunka]

I think he likes me, I don't think he's a flake.

I kind of got scared of him because he runs warm and cool so much, so I got into the habit of not flirting with him, not wanting to send signals I didn't intend to send and all. I was afraid I'd be embarassed if I liked him but he didn't like me.

Sort of a catch-22. I don't want to be available to him if he doesn't like me, and he doesn't want to risk being available to me if I don't like him.

Must...break...cycle...

 

[ZiSunka]

I wonder if he thinks I'm still with my ex-fiance? We broke up last fall, but this guy might not be sure of it, because "Joe" (ex-fiance) and I are still close friends. We still do a lot of stuff together, like go to church and all, and Joe went to South Dakota on our mission trip, and this guy saw Joe's pictures in my photos of the trip. He might think we're still together.

Hmm....

(all names are always changing to protect privacy)

So what's a subtle way of telling him that we broke off the engagement?

 

[DaveKerwin]

I think you got the catch 22 understood

So you are also torn because you don't know if this is a red flag on his personality or just him being goofy. It really could be either. If you begin to date him, then you might be in a better place to ask if he was being flaky, or just nervous.

So get to know the guy more , while still guarding your heart, and everything will begin to come together.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Share you life with this guy, allow him into your world. You could say something like "ever since my breakup with .... I have felt ... .. (or whatever).

Do it in an email if you have to.

 

[Onwardclimb]

So what's a subtle way of telling him that we broke off the engagement?

How about: one day when the two of you are talking alone/in a group saying something like "you know I think 'Joe' and ____________ would make a REALLY cute couple, what do you think?"

WARNING: Only say it if there is someone you think 'Joe' would be good with, can't have you lying now can we *WINK*BIG GRIN*?

 

[ZiSunka]

You know, I HAVE been sending this guy ambiguous signals myself. I am partly to blame here. I've been acting exactly the way he has been acting, and worse. Man, when I think of all the opportunities I've had to reciprocate the signals, and I didn't.

Once, he invited me to the grand opening of one of his buildings, and I went, but I didn't realize at that point that it meant he liked me. I mean, of all the people he knows in the world, he invited me. When I think back on it, he was sending some pretty clear signals then and I didn't even see it.

Then, when I went on vacation to the Flint Hills last year, one of his favorite places on earth, I asked him for directions, and I received the signals that he wanted to go, too, but I took Joe, even though we had already broken up. Okay, I wasn't going to take Joe, but he insisted on coming because he didn't want me to travel that far alone.

Then, when he came to my church to look doing an addition, Joe was there, too, and he probably thought we were still together, like romantically. He didn't realize that we just go to the same church so we ride together to save gas. (it's 30 miles away, so there's a lot of gas to be saved by car pooling). Joe and I are still close friends, and that might be confusing to this other guy.

Oh, it's all adding up now.

I am the reason this guy acts the way he does. I need to be clear about Joe and I not being together anymore, so he can see the door is now open to him.

Thanks Dave! You are a genius as usual!

 

[ZiSunka]

How about_: one day when the two of you are talking alone/in a group saying something like "you know I think 'Joe' and ____________ would make a REALLY cute couple, what do you think?"

WARNING: Only say it if there is someone you think 'Joe' would be good with, can't have you lying now can we *WINK*BIG GRIN*?

Good idea. I'll have to work it into a conversation.

Pray with me that if God thinks this guy is a good match for me, that it will somehow come up in a conversation soon.

Hmm...maybe I also need to be a little less close to Joe for a while while I see where this goes.