- Aug 27, 2021
- 2
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- 30
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Part of me thinks it would be best not to post this. I've gone about reading numerous threads on the same topic, on multiple websites. I want to give a full picture of my situation, and if by the grace of God someone can findly give me some closure I would greatly appreciate it. Before I get into the topic I think it best to give some background about me.
I started having OCD Compulsions in my early teens. I am undiagnosed, but things are starting to make much more sense now. I've never looked them up before, I was always able to handle them in my own mind over time. It started out when I was a child, i used to think every time i would go to sleep i would die. It moved on to excessive washing of hands, for any reason, multiple times a day until my hands were chapped and bleeding. The last one was Christian Vows. I don't know how it started, i don't know how it started, but it got bad, really really bad, until the point i remember crying on the couch. The were intrusive thoughts not wanted in any way. I broke it the way I broke any OCD issue I had, I forced myself not to think about it.
I became a Christian in truth about 4 years ago now. I truly believed in God, and felt a piece and love I had never know before. For years that sustained me, even when I had doubts about anything with regards to God, existence or anytime, I still knew deep down I was saved I never doubted that, until this year. I read the new testament again for the first time in a great while and Realized how far my life differed from the requirements. Hebrews onward was like a blow to the chest. I suppose that was the first nagging sensation of doubt. What really bothered me was my love of fantasy books, movies, and games. It is my favorite pass time. Or, at least it was until i saw the sorcery sin in the New Testament. I have always been selective about my words to God, especially after going through the vow phase. In fact, I still (try to) keep the one Vow I know is legitimate to this day, Brushing my teeth. So I didn't want to say it was sin, or I'd give it up without truly know, because in my mind if I did there would be no difference between that and a vow. Looking back, I remember looking up articles regarding it and remembering that the consensuses was always so divided regarding whether or not it was wrong. I would like to think the reason I stopped was because I wanted a clear head before going any further with the topic, cleans my system of it, and I'm sure that was partially the reason, but I was also heavily frustrated regarding it. Matters of conscious always seem to be that way.
That worked up until march of this year where i mentally just broke. I don't want to go into the reason in detail, lets just say I take the Jesus warning in Revelations very seriously and I broke it. In my worry in fear to correct it I sinned even more and caused a bad situation to get worse. This situation is not what this post is about, it's more background information.
I spent a lot of time alone, watching sermons that month. I came across a sermon that month from a pastor I respect Mike Faberez regarding repentance. That word, even though i knew the meaning had never really been used in a daily basis in my Christian walk. I know that sounds odd. Looking back I can see my attempts to change, and my ignorce of how much I was actually sinning. At that moment, and even now sometimes I doubt my salvation. I have to remind myself of that one perfect moment years ago when I truly understood who Jesus is. However, in that month left alone to my mind an issue I had thought was over was slowly coming back, even though I wasn't realizing it. Taking hold in a way it never had for a long time. I had gotten into my mind that unless I prayed to God I repent of Fantasy, which in my mind would be the same regardless if I used the word promise or Vow, I could never be saved. That I was never a Christian to begin with and I could only become one unless I said that.
I was able to stop the impulse for a month, maybe a month and a half, living with the fear that I was going to hell, but still unwilling to make the prayer because deep in my mind I knew it would complicated the issue further. However, after hearing a sermon on the radio. That I felt like I needed to pray right now, that I would feel better if I did, that I was necessary and God was telling me to do it.
So I shut my mind off bypassed the resistance I always had when praying, I didn't even consider the words I was praying, only focused on the keep going portion, that this was good and needed. I remember saying something like I repent of Sci-Fi and Fantasy and maybe other things as well, again I was really trying not to think while praying, but those things stood out. When I had finished praying and contemplated the words I just thought in prayer I remember feeling this dread and the wideness of the scope of my prayer. I rationalized away quickly after, looking up the meaning of repentance, which is turning away from sin. I figured well, it is sin then it is something to turn away from this is good, but if not there would be nothing to repent of, and you can still do it.
That understanding lasted for a while and I still felt like I wasn't saved through those months. still dealing with the original problem which hasn't fully gone away. I was able to get by with the logic for a few months, until i prayed a prayer and realized after saying Amen that I had said the wrong thing, and I asked was I bound to this wrong thing. Obviously not, but then I remembered the original prayer and realized well, was I bound then by my intentions. If so should I be keeping the original prayer. I intended a different meaning for that prayer, as though I was going to give these things up forever, and then changed the meaning after the fact. After some turmoil for a while I prayed to God, that I intended to move passed this, if there was something he wanted to let me know He would need to tell me. Not long after maybe a few days, I was sitting preparing to read my Bible, and I remembered a sermon was about to be on in Ecclesiastes, I know what verse was in there, Still I thought who knows maybe God wants to tell me something. So I turned on the radio and sure enough he was preaching on vows. I tuned in right at the right moment. He was talking about how you should keep your vows unless they are sinful. I tried not to think much of it, I've have thought this thought before when listening to the radio, that Maybe God wants to tell me something. It was something I had been doing recently, after March. They repeated the sermon the next week on the same day. I can't help but think He's trying to tell me something like figure it out or keep. Every time I think of leaving it behind the thing in Hebrew 10 keeps coming into my mind. and randomly a sermon popped up on my phone for it as well.
I had become determined Yesterday to leave it all behind and move-on after reading this article
Making Deals With God: Why It Will NOT Prevent Your Scrupulous Fears
However, after telling someone close to me about my decision which I was excited, they hampered my excitement when they noted the author don't really offer any biblical reason for their conclusion. And I've been finding in all the answers I've seen online this is the case. My plan had been to turn from this tomorrow to leave it behind, but I can't help but wonder am I defying God, am I intentionally going to live a life in sin. Or am I just being stupid and not letting myself move-on
I started having OCD Compulsions in my early teens. I am undiagnosed, but things are starting to make much more sense now. I've never looked them up before, I was always able to handle them in my own mind over time. It started out when I was a child, i used to think every time i would go to sleep i would die. It moved on to excessive washing of hands, for any reason, multiple times a day until my hands were chapped and bleeding. The last one was Christian Vows. I don't know how it started, i don't know how it started, but it got bad, really really bad, until the point i remember crying on the couch. The were intrusive thoughts not wanted in any way. I broke it the way I broke any OCD issue I had, I forced myself not to think about it.
I became a Christian in truth about 4 years ago now. I truly believed in God, and felt a piece and love I had never know before. For years that sustained me, even when I had doubts about anything with regards to God, existence or anytime, I still knew deep down I was saved I never doubted that, until this year. I read the new testament again for the first time in a great while and Realized how far my life differed from the requirements. Hebrews onward was like a blow to the chest. I suppose that was the first nagging sensation of doubt. What really bothered me was my love of fantasy books, movies, and games. It is my favorite pass time. Or, at least it was until i saw the sorcery sin in the New Testament. I have always been selective about my words to God, especially after going through the vow phase. In fact, I still (try to) keep the one Vow I know is legitimate to this day, Brushing my teeth. So I didn't want to say it was sin, or I'd give it up without truly know, because in my mind if I did there would be no difference between that and a vow. Looking back, I remember looking up articles regarding it and remembering that the consensuses was always so divided regarding whether or not it was wrong. I would like to think the reason I stopped was because I wanted a clear head before going any further with the topic, cleans my system of it, and I'm sure that was partially the reason, but I was also heavily frustrated regarding it. Matters of conscious always seem to be that way.
That worked up until march of this year where i mentally just broke. I don't want to go into the reason in detail, lets just say I take the Jesus warning in Revelations very seriously and I broke it. In my worry in fear to correct it I sinned even more and caused a bad situation to get worse. This situation is not what this post is about, it's more background information.
I spent a lot of time alone, watching sermons that month. I came across a sermon that month from a pastor I respect Mike Faberez regarding repentance. That word, even though i knew the meaning had never really been used in a daily basis in my Christian walk. I know that sounds odd. Looking back I can see my attempts to change, and my ignorce of how much I was actually sinning. At that moment, and even now sometimes I doubt my salvation. I have to remind myself of that one perfect moment years ago when I truly understood who Jesus is. However, in that month left alone to my mind an issue I had thought was over was slowly coming back, even though I wasn't realizing it. Taking hold in a way it never had for a long time. I had gotten into my mind that unless I prayed to God I repent of Fantasy, which in my mind would be the same regardless if I used the word promise or Vow, I could never be saved. That I was never a Christian to begin with and I could only become one unless I said that.
I was able to stop the impulse for a month, maybe a month and a half, living with the fear that I was going to hell, but still unwilling to make the prayer because deep in my mind I knew it would complicated the issue further. However, after hearing a sermon on the radio. That I felt like I needed to pray right now, that I would feel better if I did, that I was necessary and God was telling me to do it.
So I shut my mind off bypassed the resistance I always had when praying, I didn't even consider the words I was praying, only focused on the keep going portion, that this was good and needed. I remember saying something like I repent of Sci-Fi and Fantasy and maybe other things as well, again I was really trying not to think while praying, but those things stood out. When I had finished praying and contemplated the words I just thought in prayer I remember feeling this dread and the wideness of the scope of my prayer. I rationalized away quickly after, looking up the meaning of repentance, which is turning away from sin. I figured well, it is sin then it is something to turn away from this is good, but if not there would be nothing to repent of, and you can still do it.
That understanding lasted for a while and I still felt like I wasn't saved through those months. still dealing with the original problem which hasn't fully gone away. I was able to get by with the logic for a few months, until i prayed a prayer and realized after saying Amen that I had said the wrong thing, and I asked was I bound to this wrong thing. Obviously not, but then I remembered the original prayer and realized well, was I bound then by my intentions. If so should I be keeping the original prayer. I intended a different meaning for that prayer, as though I was going to give these things up forever, and then changed the meaning after the fact. After some turmoil for a while I prayed to God, that I intended to move passed this, if there was something he wanted to let me know He would need to tell me. Not long after maybe a few days, I was sitting preparing to read my Bible, and I remembered a sermon was about to be on in Ecclesiastes, I know what verse was in there, Still I thought who knows maybe God wants to tell me something. So I turned on the radio and sure enough he was preaching on vows. I tuned in right at the right moment. He was talking about how you should keep your vows unless they are sinful. I tried not to think much of it, I've have thought this thought before when listening to the radio, that Maybe God wants to tell me something. It was something I had been doing recently, after March. They repeated the sermon the next week on the same day. I can't help but think He's trying to tell me something like figure it out or keep. Every time I think of leaving it behind the thing in Hebrew 10 keeps coming into my mind. and randomly a sermon popped up on my phone for it as well.
I had become determined Yesterday to leave it all behind and move-on after reading this article
Making Deals With God: Why It Will NOT Prevent Your Scrupulous Fears
However, after telling someone close to me about my decision which I was excited, they hampered my excitement when they noted the author don't really offer any biblical reason for their conclusion. And I've been finding in all the answers I've seen online this is the case. My plan had been to turn from this tomorrow to leave it behind, but I can't help but wonder am I defying God, am I intentionally going to live a life in sin. Or am I just being stupid and not letting myself move-on
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