OCD trying to make a comeback

[ObsessedButBlessed]

I have been doing so great lately. My OCD has been manageable for a few months now and life has been really good. I finally feel back to the "old me" after nearly 2 years.

However, I'm feeling a bit on edge today and I can certainly pinpoint the reasons why. I'm traveling out of state tonight to visit my parents for the weekend and my OCD seems to be trying to make a comeback. Traveling is usually pretty stressful, but I think I have associated traveling with certain OCD thoughts/feelings. It's more like being afraid of it all coming back. Traveling in the past has usually brought about some pretty big OCD episodes so I'm nervous, thinking that once again, it'll all come back. I think something that also keeps my OCD in check is that I don't deal well with change and this is disrupting my life and my routines.

I know this is actually just OCD trying to make a comeback in a roundabout form: being scared of the thoughts coming back and then checking to see if the thoughts and feelings are indeed there. I've been here before and fell into the trap last time, and I'm really determined not to do it this time. A big part of me feels like I need to just make the trip and then "check" to see how I feel once I feel there. But as we know with OCD, checking to see if thoughts/feelings are there are good way just to add fuel to the fire.

Any ideas on how to keep my thoughts at bay and not give in to the checking, reassurance-seeking/thought neutralizing? The techniques I have learned in the past for coping with an "OCD attack" have been helping me through the day, but as it gets closer to the time that I need to leave for the airport, I'm getting more nervous. Stupid stuff!

I should add that as of today, it has been exactly 2 years since OCD began. I think just knowing this in the back of my mind also feeds the fear of it all coming back.

 

[gracealone]

HI SAD,
You've already won most of the battle and that is recognizing that the fear of the OCD coming back is also a OCD thought. I have the same thing....it's the old... checking to see if any negative emotion or worry might not actually be the start up of becoming really debilitated again by OCD.
You could try to do a counter attack like make some ridiculous over the top statements to the thoughts. Something like.. "yep... if I take this trip.. by the time I reach my folks I might get myself into such a bad state with my OCD that perhaps I should call them up and ask them to have a straight jacket waiting for me when I arrive at their door."
You know.., I dearly hope, that I'm not mocking you... just your OCD spike.
I will pray for you, that you have a wonderful time with your folks and that this will be another step in the learning process of outwitting the craftiness of OCD.
Blessings,
Mitzi

 

[Gforce007]

when u set out for traveling, try to change your route or try to get the company of a good friend.
It has happened to me in the past but i have always battled such thoughts by traveling with my friends.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

HI SAD,
You've already won most of the battle and that is recognizing that the fear of the OCD coming back is also a OCD thought. I have the same thing....it's the old... checking to see if any negative emotion or worry might not actually be the start up of becoming really debilitated again by OCD.
You could try to do a counter attack like make some ridiculous over the top statements to the thoughts. Something like.. "yep... if I take this trip.. by the time I reach my folks I might get myself into such a bad state with my OCD that perhaps I should call them up and ask them to have a straight jacket waiting for me when I arrive at their door."
You know.., I dearly hope, that I'm not mocking you... just your OCD spike.
I will pray for you, that you have a wonderful time with your folks and that this will be another step in the learning process of outwitting the craftiness of OCD.
Blessings,
Mitzi

Hi Mitzi, thanks for your prayers. It's good to know someone else knows about the checking to see if it's there or not. The last time I fell into a 3-week OCD funk, it started out the same way. I was waking up feeling anxious about a completely different situation, and then I kept checking to see if it was related to my obsessions...and sure enough, before I knew it, I was back into a funk. I tried distract myself and had a good time with my folks this weekend. Traveling makes me nervous anyway.... I am really afraid of flying...and I'm sure that didn't help the situation any. I did wake up anxious this morning, but am doing my best not to give into the obsessing and checking to see how I feel. It's so tiring! But I plan on getting in a good hour of exercise today, eating well, and taking my vitamins..that always seems to help the most with OCD.

 

[stacii]

Sad - this checking to see if the OCD is still there is KILLING me right now. I'm pregnant, and TERRIFIED that when I have my baby, I'm going to be an obsessive compulsive mess and won't be able to care for the baby. Then the next thought is what if I hurt the baby, what if I'm committed forever and can't see the baby. I'm obsessed with obsessing I suppose. I keep checking my emotions and all just to make sure they are "appropriate to the situation." I'll be honest, it's getting ridiculous...

I talked to everyone on my medical team (my OB, my psych, my therapist) and all concur that the two main triggers for a repeated OCD episode are stress and physical illness. Well, I am legitimately stressed out about having the child, since I've never done it before and I have had a really rough pregnancy as far as being physically ill all the time. So, combined they make the perfect storm...

You are taking the right steps with diet, exercise and vitamins. Make sure you are getting enough sleep too. When I miss sleep (frequently these pregnancy days) I am a wreck for what feels like weeks.

 

[BeccaLynn]

Sad.

I understand about the "checking" also. It's like you're so afraid of dealing with all of the stress that comes along with it, that you are stressing over stressing. It's a vicious cycle. Stacii, I remember after having my son, when I was not diagnosed with OCD yet, and I felt I could confide in no one all of the seeming craziness going on in my head. I wasn't prepared for the OCD intensifying after my son't birth. However, since you already know that you have OCD and, obviously, have people who can keep an eye on you and with whom you can be honest with, you have a great headstart on everything. I know the worrying over not being the mother you want to be due to the OCD can be overwhelming, but every single one of us make mistakes and are never the parent we think our kids deserve. That is because God has given us an awesome responsibility in caring for them for Him, and because we love them so much and want to do absolutely everything right. But believe me, this feeling of messing up can make one a very insecure parent. Worrying over fearing that you'll start having thoughts about harming your child, and then the added stress that OCD brings that since it is something you fear, you think about it all the more, can consume us. You sound as if you have a support system. That is wonderful!!! I needed that so desperately, but didn't feel I could openly confide in anyone, which put major pressure on every aspect of my and my family's life. Know that every good and perfect gift is from God, and He picked you and your husband specifically to care for your little one. We can do nothing worth doing without Him anyway, so He will get you through.

Love,
Rebecca

 

[stacii]

Rebecca - Thank you. That really helped a lot

 

[critter700]

hello ocders i just signed up because i have just found out what has been destroying my marriage and its not that i am crazy but suffer from ocd!!!!!!i am so relieved to finnally pinpoint the problem behind my stupid obsessions!!!!!!any suggestions anyone.....i have a big weekend with my wife this weekend and i dont want to ruin our one year annerversary

 

[critter700]

and does anybody know what triggers the paticular obessions????if i pinpoint that and defeat that does it remedy it??????mine only seems to b on one subject and nothing else>>>my wifes past boyfriends and sexual entcounters and this was even before she was a christian and i have even fell since i was a christian????everybody thought i was a hippacrite but i knew that wasnt it since i am well aware of my trash and am not proud of it at allllllllll......i get freaked out and dont feel safe or secure sometimes with her and i knew that meant there was a deeper issue that i wasent a jerk for not just getting over it as ive been told but maybe thats what i need to do but the imiages and thoughts just plauge me satan is such a PUNK

 

[gracealone]

Hi Critter,
Welcome to our forum. If you think you have OCD you can get it confimed by visiting a pyschologist, but you have to be very open and transparent about the thoughts and or images that are plaguing you. OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain which causes the amygdala to be in a state of hypervigilance or fight/flight. People who don't have OCD can have disturbing thoughts or images also enter their consciousness but they are able to just dismiss the thoughts as absurd and get on with their day to day living. People with OCD are not able to do that because the disturbing thoughts are accompanied by intense anxiety. This makes the OCD person percieve the thought to be extremely serious and they begin to fight the thoughts obsessively in various ways either by compulsive actions or compulsive rumination. The more
they attend to the thoughts the more the thoughts become imbedded their consciousness which of course makes the thoughts seem all the more threatening.
The best treatments for OCD can be medications and or exposure/response therapy.
If you think you have OCD please do yourself a huge favor and visit a Doctor.
Hope you'll stick around and keep us informed about how you are doing. Lots of really awesome caring folk here.
I'll be praying for you.
Mitzi

 

[gracealone]

HI Stacii,
Rebecca is right that you do have an advantage of knowing that you have OCD and can get help and support in the event of any postpartum episodes.
I can tell you that 27 years ago after the birth of my second child I experienced quite a long and painful period of OCD and severe panic attacks. The very hard thing for me was that I hadn't a clue what was wrong with me and I never was able to open up about it because I was so terrified that I'd be put in an institution. I'm 5' 8" tall and at that time my anxiety was so intense that I couldn't eat and my weight dropped to 115 pounds.
So why am I telling you this? Because even without getting diagnosed or going on medication or telling anyone about my tortured thoughts, I made it through it with the Lord's help. I raised all three of my children and they all know Christ and are raising children of their own now. They were and still are such a huge blessing to me.
You will be fine and your child will be blessed to be raised in a loving home with parents who will strive to bring them into a personal relationship with Christ.
I know it's a hard place to be in where the OCD obsessing starts to be about the fear of OCD itself. So, what do you think would be the appropriate exposure/response tactic for the OCD thought -
"What if I get OCD so badly after my baby is born that I Just can't cope?"
It's not trying to convince yourself you won't, it's not trying to fight the thought, it's not trying to seek reassurance that it won't happen. All those things only make the fear loom larger.
It's just letting the thoughts be there and not attending to them. (But, hey, you already knew that, I'm quite sure. )
Try very hard to just live in the moment if you can.
I'm praying for you and your little one.
Mitzi

 

[wiggsfly]

I find a cell-phone and a book help loads when the OCD acts up. Talking to friends and reading a book just really seem to take my mind off of it.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Everything everyone has said is right on the ball. The first day back from vacation, I was very antsy and nervous, but I stuck to exercising for an hour, taking my vitamins, and eating right. By the second day, my OCD was totally under control. The intrusive thoughts (spikes) are up a bit, but I am not reacting to them emotionally, which is the big key for me.

Obsessing about obsessing happens to a lot of OCD sufferers, or so I've read. I am just happy and feel victorious that for once, I didn't run away with it! Yay!

Critter, I know two people on another OCD message board who has the *exact* same obsession about their wife's past. Actually, make that three people. It is entirely common and I really recommend seeking professional help before it gets out of hand. If you google the OC Foundation, there is a link for searching for OCD therapists in your area (if you're from the States). That's where I found my OCD therapist and she was wonderful.

Stacii, I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. But you KNOW it's OCD - as hard as it is to believe sometimes - because OCD is so twisty and crafty, and it's like once you figure out one way to combat it, it takes another twist and turn and comes at you another way. I can't even count how many different obsessions - all with the same theme - that OCD has thrown at me over the past few years. My therapist also said that stress is a big trigger for OCD, and I think she's right. When I tend to get anxious about other sitiuations in life, such as flying, my OCD tries to get me in a roundabout way and I want to check and see if my old obsessions are coming back. Someone once told me to visualize OCD as a separate entity, someting that is not a part of me. There's me (my brain), and then there's OCD. How my brain thinks when it's infiltrated with OCD thoughts is entirely different than how it thinks when I'm not obsessing. With this last time, all I kept saying to myself was "I've been here before, I've had this same obsession how many times? And it never turns out to be true." All we can keep doing is fight the good fight, and trust that when we ask for strength, God will provide it for us. He has not abandoned me or any of us, no matter how desperate things seem sometimes. You will be a great mom... that, I have no doubt about!

All of this OCD during pregnancy talk gives me a lot to think about. I have a theory... a bit over two years ago I started hormonal birth control because of painful periods. DH and I were planning on using it anyway until we were ready for kids. Anyway, about a month or two after I started, I was hit with OCD full force. Then I started noticing someting as time went on... around the third week of my active hormonal pills, my OCD was usually worse, I felt more anxious, and had a hard time controling my OCD. Then I would go off the pill for a week, start to feel better, but then I would of course go back on the pill when the next cycle started. I recently switched pill brands to one that has a lower dose of hormones. It has helped a LOT, but I still would like to get off the pill eventually for other reasons. Anyway, I have heard of a ton of women who say their OCD got really bad during pregnancy. i'm wondering if hormones have something to do with it...essentially, on the pill, your body thinks you're pregnant, and both my DH and I think that it contributes to my OCD. Any thoughts?

 

[gracealone]

HI Sad,
I totally agree with everything you said. OCD does seem to act up with any fluctuation in hormones. It can also rear it's ugly head with menopause. At least this has been my experience with it.
Glad to hear you are doing so much better.... just a bit of a glitch you had to get through.
Blessings,
Mitzi

 

[stacii]

Sad - I will be honest - the pill totally screwed me up. Seriously...

I obsessed way worse on the pill than I have been during this pregnancy.

Thanks for the advice everyone. Even though I know this stuff for some reason it helps to hear it over and over again...

 

[stacii]

oh - and it made me totally dehydrated all the time. stupid pill