OCD destroying a relationship

[EtainSkirata]

Saturday night my boyfriend told me that the affection he feels for me had been dulled, and it's because I constantly bring up problem after problem, and it's wearing him down and stressing him out. I asked if he wants to fix it, and he said it's hard to want to fix it with the affection being dulled. We're still dating and we talked this morning and he's not overly affected by it (he says the problems with the world these days are a much bigger issue than our relationship problems and so he's not as bothered).

But I feel like I'm just shattered. I tried to cuddle with him on Sunday night, but I felt like I was sinning (we don't even kiss anymore due to past struggles with physical intimacy). And so I want to limit the affection we share to hand holding; I'm anxious to even give him a longer hug. And this is part of the issue, is that he worried that I'm going to freak out about how much affection he was showing and if it would turn into a 2 hour conversation. And now I limited us even further.

I'm just sick with worry and loneliness. He's the only person, aside from my mom, who I feel like i can talk to about serious stuff, but it's weighing on him. I have no close christian friends here. And I've just been going around and around with "what if God doesn't want me to be with him? What if God doesn't want me to go to the church we go to together?" I think I WANT to marry him, I'm just stuck on whether or not it's in God's will or it's a good idea. It's so hard to let this go to God; last night I cried out and asked God to just take it, to take the relationship. I know His will will be done, but my goodness it's so hard to know what that even is.

 

[angelsaroundme]

It seems that what you are doing is religious reassurance seeking. You are asking God to make you feel right about a situation and even if it happens briefly, eventually you will go back to worrying.

While this [Reassurance Seeking Behavior] may be a coping strategy for you that works as a stress reliever, the long-term impact is not great for you. It transforms quickly from just a thing you do from time to time to a thing you HAVE to do because you no longer trust yourself.

Constantly seeking reassurance erodes your self-confidence. It actually makes your anxiety worse over time! Tasks that usually take a couple of minutes become hour-long endeavors as you search for the perfect way to execute them. You might even start to feel completely stuck and immobilized when you aren’t able to get the reassurance you’ve come to need.

And let’s not forget how this impacts your relationships with others. Consider this: You ask for reassurance to make sure everything is alright between you and someone else because you genuinely care about this person, and you fear losing them in your life. Initially, they are cool with it, but after some time of repeatedly doing this for you, they may become tired and irritated with it. They may start to distance themselves from you. Now it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy that just fuels your anxiety and insecurity even more. You don’t deserve this! Jump off the hamster wheel of recurring doubt, fear, and disappointment.

You’ll need to expose the roots if you want to overcome this behavior. That means you’ll need to build up your confidence by learning to trust yourself again. It also means you’ll have to build tolerance around the discomfort of not knowing and learn to accept imperfection. Working with a therapist can help you to tackle this from multiple perspectives. - Constantly Seeking Reassurance Is Out. Self Confidence Is In. (bayviewtherapy.com)

 

[Tolworth John]

I constantly bring up problem after problem, and it's wearing him down and stressing him out.

Are you familiar with the web site 25 tips for successfully treating your OCD?

If you are or are not may I suggest that you read it, that you re read point 4 and that you share this site with your boy friend.

You say you are constantly bringing up problems, are these personal or between the two of you or worldwide problems?

Are you able to accept an answer to a problem and move on?

Are these problems really ' intrusive thoughts ' that do not have an answer or accept any answer?

Have you tried taking these ' problems ' to God in detailed prayer.
By that I mean reading about the problem, researching the problem and possible solutions and then talking to God about those details.
What I mean is, don't just pray, " Oh God bring peace to the Ukraine. ", but to pray intelligently for Putin, for the ukrain leader, for the soldiers, civilians etc in the war and the diplomats trying to negotiate peace.

 

[EtainSkirata]

You say you are constantly bringing up problems, are these personal or between the two of you or worldwide problems?

These are problems between us; like what his thoughts are on theology, what kind of video game he likes, whether or not it's acceptable to have friends of the opposite gender, what kind of music he listens to, etc. Everything to me feels like it could make or break the relationship, so I worry about it and it comes out as a "freak out."

 

[EtainSkirata]

And let’s not forget how this impacts your relationships with others. Consider this: You ask for reassurance to make sure everything is alright between you and someone else because you genuinely care about this person, and you fear losing them in your life. Initially, they are cool with it, but after some time of repeatedly doing this for you, they may become tired and irritated with it. They may start to distance themselves from you.

Okay, I'm in this post and I feel called out.

I'm seeing a therapist, and I also emailed my pastor asking for biblical counseling through the church.

I can also hear my mom when she told me a few months ago to stop worrying lol. I guess I need to grow up.

 

[angelsaroundme]

Okay, I'm in this post and I feel called out.

I'm seeing a therapist, and I also emailed my pastor asking for biblical counseling through the church.

I can also hear my mom when she told me a few months ago to stop worrying lol. I guess I need to grow up.

One should be careful with how they talk to themselves. I think judging yourself makes OCD worse. Understanding yourself is what helps you deal with it.

Some people's OCD develops or gets worse because of bullying. Some have helicopter parents (who likely have OCD themselves) who are too protective and then the child struggles to be independent later. Or they have overly critical parents who they can never please. Then there is the media which causes all sorts of anxieties by focusing heavily on nightmare scenarios (unhappy relationships, disasters, serial killers, economic turmoil and so on). Whatever the instigating factor(s) might be, there is the genetic component as well. It's not your fault that you struggle but you can get better.

 

[EtainSkirata]

I'm scared it's too late, too, that I might have ruined this relationship. I know that time is the only thing that can fix it, but, and this is probably the OCD again, I just want to fix it now. But I can sense, what he said, his affection dulling, and it hurts. And it feels so selfish to be so worked up that he might leave me, vs being upset that I've hurt his feelings.

 

[Tolworth John]

Everything to me feels like it could make or break the relationship

Why ?
You say it ' feels ' like it could break your relationship. What are the facts?

On theological issues are you both prepared to look at what the bible says about them and are any differences vital to salvation?
Video games. Some are very violent, how long does he spend on violent games? It is an issue that needs discussion comparing time spent on the computer playing against time spent on other necessary tasks.
The same can be said about the lyrics.
Opposite sex friends, how close are those friends? How often does he go out with them?
Does he understand your fears of being rejected in favour of them?

Again I have to ask are these real fears or the product of intrusive thoughts?
Do share the site '25 tips for successfully treating your OCD' with your pastor, as it will help him councrell you.
Do read it again your self.