Ocd, depressed, need to vent

[Aaliyah]

hello

lemme just start by saying I used to love my life sooo much. Like I really had it good. Like I did have problems like everyone else but I pretty much just rolled with the punches and was generally happy all the time. This all started after I was 16 and started really having a relationship with God. I mean was always pretty happy before that but after I started a real relationship with God I was soo happy. So anyway, I feel like God truly blessed me with so much and I had everything I could ever need or want.

Well that all ended when I started my senior year in high school. I started dating a guy and at the same time I felt like God was tugging at me to really think about not having sex anymore until I was married so I prayed about it also and really felt like God didn't want me to. Well anyway, for some stupid reason that I still wonder about everyday I did not listen and had sex with this guy. Also, I used to smoke weed every once in a while and when I started school that year, I started smoking everyday because I wanted to fit in better. I felt like God was leading me to not do that but I did it anyway. I really don't understand why I made these stupid decisions. I guess I got caught up with worldly stuff when before I was not really concerned about it and didn't have this problem.

Well anyway, I could feel myself getting drawn further and further away from God as all this went on but really did not realize it at the time. I kept having sex with this guy and just felt myself getting farther and farther away from God, but for some reason I just could not stop. By the time I really realized what had happened I thought I was so in love with this guy which honestly now I do not think it was love and it was just sex which now I see why God did not want me to do this. But of course this did not last, so we broke up and I spent Idk how many years being so depressed over it, I thought I still wanted to be with him because I loved him so much but I honestly just think it was sex. I also when I did think I was meant to be with him that I had messed it all up because God told me to not do this and now I messed up the one relationship I was acually supposed to have. I still wonder about this sometimes.

Sometimes I just think I have messed my whole life up even though I know that is not true. I just always sit and wonder what could my life have been like right now if I had not done this. I've been working so hard to get my life back to the way it is supposed to be. I just miss when life was so easy. I never had to struggle or worry about anything, it was great. I also have ocd, and panic attacks from all of this and of course I am still depressed. I am not sure if I am still depressed as I used to be but I just try to look on the bright side but it is very hard. I am 22 right now I still live with my dad because I have not had a job for 2 years because of all of this. I also have not had a boyfriend since this happened. Ok, well I did have one but it was totally wrong and I knew this going in so that does not count at all and it made my life worse. I honestly feel like God is doing this to me on purpose because it is punishment for what I've done. I also feel depressed a lot of the time and I wish I could smoke weed again but I have a hard time with that because I have panic attacks. The last time I tried to smoke I felt like I could not breathe and started to drive myself to the hospital. I know it is just anxiety but still. I also feel like this is part of my pounishment too, which I just realized a few days ago because when God told me to not smoke everyday but I did anyway so I feel like he has taken it away from me now.

Honestly, sometimes I just wonder if I have completely ruined my life and if God has like disowned me. I do not want to think that but it is hard to not feel that way sometimes because like I said I used to be so blessed and now everything is so hard. I don't know if you guys have heard anything about this illuminati business but supposedly it's where these singers and artists sold their soul to the devil to be famous and have what they want but they are really not happy and want out but cannot get out. This is what I feel like sometimes and I wonder if I've like sold my soul to the devil. I'm not sure exactly why any sane person would do this and then want out but like is there some way you can inadvertantly do it and not even know??? I also remember like the ancient egyptians and how they decided to worship God's creations rather than God and so they were really worshipping the devil. Isn't this really what i have done?? I decided to just not listen to God's will for me and instead take what he had given me and use it in the wrong way that he did not want me to. Is there any way that this possible??

I just cannot figure out why if I still believe in God and love him with all my heart, I really do, why He cannot just forgive me and bless me the way He used to know. I know God punishes the ones he loves but this was well I really only started trying to get back in good with God probably about a year ago. I wanted to before but was still doing things that I should not have been. I just don't know I am soooooooo sick of everything being so damn hard. I just want to be happy and free again. Will this ever happen again? Sometimes I wonder if I will be single forever because of this which you know whatever I guess I can accept that if I have to. I feel like I am already 22 and I should have already been married by now and now I am just ughhh some place I really do not want to be. I do not want to be 22 and single. I know there are a lot of people who are but there are also a lot of people that are already married at my age. I just feel so off track. And really who knows if I would be married right now but that is the point I really do not know. I always have these times where I'm like I really wonder what my lifee would be like right had I not done these things. It is very depressing. But anyway, the main point is I want to be happy. I'm starting to be my old self again and not even really want a boyfriend but I do want to be happpyyyy. It's just a struggle but thank you for listening if you did and I just needed someplace to vent. Love you all!!

 

[Aaliyah]

oh one more thing....I feel like even if I start to feel a little bit happy or get over this I will feel guilty like I should not be allowed to be happy about any part of this ever. Uggh it's so frustrating. Like I was just reading this thing about Rihanna and someone was like she is not the only woman to go through a bad time with a guy and I was like oh yes and actually started to feel a little ok but then I just get this guilt feeling like I should never feel okay about this because I was so wrong. (The guy I was talking about above was extremely abusive....not physically but just emotional))I have this thing where I want everything in my life to fit in place and evrything to have a meaning and be okay and be part of my 'story' or whatever.......but I just feel so bad about this I hope one day I find a meaning to this or at least be able to feel okay with it. Uggh it's just all soooo frustrating. I just want to feel happy again!!!!

 

[kaykay9.0]

Sorry you are out a down place in your life right now. Everyone, even those who don't battle OCD has some times usually when they can kinda down on themselves.

Yes, I think you are right that premarital sex and smoking marijuana are wrong in the Lord's sight, but you certainly are not the only one to fall into that. Our society condones premarital sex and that it really the "norm" for people outside a Bible-believing Christian faith. So it's not that surprising that many many Christians also fall into that. But certainly, if you have asked for forgiveness, God has forgiven you. He promises in John 1:9 that if we confess, He forgives. He is not holding your past against you. If you feel condemnation for those things, it is not coming from Him.

Also, as for as you thinking you've "messed your life up," I totally believe if we mess up plan A, He can give us a glorious Plan B if we repent and follow Him again! He is in the redeeming business.

If you feel that your depression is more serious than just a short-term feeling, I strongly suggest you might seek some Christian counseling.

 

[justpassingthrough21]

Thank you for opening up to us. What your going through like Kaykay said can happen and does happen to OCD and non-ocd people. The one thing that really stuck out to me was when you said that you wish God would just forgive you and start blessing you again like he use to. The thing is if you repent of your sins and turn from them, God has forgiven you in that moment and remembers them no more. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you have forgiven youself. Feeling like God has forsaken you and hasn't forgiven you is most likely you feeling condemned for you sins and feeling bad, but thinking that it is God making you feel that way. As a matter of fact I wouldnt doubt that God is closer to you now than He has ever been.
About pre-maritual sex, you shouldnt have to pray to God if it is ok or not because He has already settled it in His Word. God says it is a sin, so it is. Its easy to see you are in huge self-condemnation, which is a really hard pit to get out of.
What I would do is get into a Bible believing church and try to get hooked up with some godly people that you can talk to. You will probably find someone that has gone through exactly what you went through. You may not "feel" like God is their, but if you stay committed to reading you Word, going to church, talking with some other christian who are older than you and have experience with what you are talking about, you will start to see your faith increase. Since you are already a child of God, you have a certain measure of faith in you, and right now it may just barely be poking out through your darkness, if you feed that thing it will grow.
I've been in such dark places in my soul, I thought I would physically die under the weight and my faith was all but gone, or so I thought. I pressed on through the darkness and started feeding my faith and believe it or not it is actually growing again.
Also I have a cd called GPS(Gods Positioning System), and it talks about the blood of Jesus, and that no matter how off track you get from Gods plan, Jesus' blood redirects you to where you need to be. But you have to activate and use the tools God has to get back in right relationship with Him.

 

[flowerforever7]

In addition,

I'll add to the good points already been said in the replies:

When we confess our sins and choose to return to God He wipes the slate clean, and does not hold our sins against us. However, there are always consequences for the choices we make. This is not God punishing us, but us reaping what we sow so to speak. It's unfortunate, but it is just a part of life. I have done things in my past I really regret; and unfortunately have had to live with the consequences of situations I got myself in, my actions etc. This is a good lesson that you've learned early on so that you know to avoid repeating the same mistakes again. You say that you are 22 and you don't want to be single; I will tell you that you are very young and really have your whole life ahead of you. I know it probably doesn't feel that way to you right now, but it's true. I am 30 and wish I could go back to 22 and make different choices but I can't. The best thing I can suggest is to use your time now to move forward in a good direction. I know you were saying that life was so easy before, but the truth is there are always seasons in life that are easy and there are seasons that are hard. You will experience one or the other at various times in your life. You had an easy season, now you are having a hard season, keep focused on God and doing the right thing. Focus on using your talents to glorify God, that is where you will find true fulfillment. You really want to be married. Keep that in prayer, but make sure that desire doesn't become and idol for you because that is how you will fall. Keep it in prayer, but try to live your life to the fullest for God's glory. If it is any consolation, I know people who have found the love of their life in their 30s+. Finding the one doesn't have to happen in your 20s though you want it to. Regardless whether you find someone to marry or not, you need to resolve to be faithful to God either way. The Apostles, deeply loved by God, did not have easy lives at all. Don't ever think that if you have it hard that you have lost God's favor. The apostles lives were riddled with hardship, set backs and complications, but they were still deeply loved and cherished by God. Now they are forever experiencing eternal blessings. Yes, sometimes God can bless us with material means, but sometimes He chooses to bless us in other ways. All of us have a cross to bear. For some it may be finances, for another it may be a health condition, etc. However, it's our choice to be faithful and hold on to God despite our hardship that proves our faith to genuine. It's easy to be faithful when things are going well and we have what we want. I would suggest going to your Bible and reading about Peter, how he denied Jesus 3 times and how Jesus approached Peter(!) to forgive him. I would also suggest reading about the prodigal son. These examples in the Bible show God's willingness to lavish forgiveness on us when we chose to start anew. You are in my prayers.

 

[dabro]

Okay first God chastises those He loves. You are His. Look at what you have been thru and learn from your mistake. I too struggle with sin. Not sex but beer, I like the taste of it. And I can get more done doing it then being unhappy but I know God is telling me to slow down. Well anyways. When you get into a fight with someone it will be a piece of cake because as much as you have endured. The reason why Hebrews ch 12 was made because it teaches us that when we fall back into sin we will learn from it and it will produce the peacable fruits of righteousness to those who listened. To me your concience is telling you that you should not go down that path again. Look at David in the OT as He had to thank God for everything he had even tho armies where surrounding him He in his struggle thanked God for His provision. So you'll get there just be patient. Learn from your mistakes and first and formost Love God with all you heart!

 

[Aaliyah]

Thank you all for replying....

I've heard the thing about if you mess up plan A God has a plan B and I've always thought about that. But that is what causes me so much grief. Like I loved my life so much before and I want it to be the way it was before. That was obviously the life I was meant to have if it was plan A. I know God still loves me and I know he is helping with my life everyday but it is just so frustrating sometimes. I know my life can be good again but it's just the point that none of this ever had to happen.

That is just really the thing that bothers me so much is that I have messed up even just a little part of my life... ever since I wrote that in my first post it has been bothering me a lot. If I try not to think about it it doesn't and I have been thinking about what if I really was meant to be with my ex-boyfriend but I messed it up where before I had just pretty much accepted that we were not meant to be together. Ugh Idk I feel really bad today.

 

[dabro]

I felt that same way before too. I turned around by not getting the desires of my heart and that was a wife. So I said God I'm thru. Now I never forgot God I always knew He was there but that very day I said that the Pure-O hit. It's amazing to think on all the things I could of had but, you have to accept that the past is the past and move on. If you can't do that then you'll just sink deeper into depression. Look at the flowers and how God made them. Look at nature and the visible things of God. And be happy that you are alive and not dead. Also I have a struggle with beer. If it weren't that it would be sex. Now I know where your coming from on that but, I havn't had sex for five yr's and God has tought me alot even tho I was thinking He was angry with me I have learned more being under His Whip then I have being happy. I asked for wisdom and I got a whip. That is How I know I'm His and you'll get there to I promise.

 

[kaykay9.0]

I agree with what Dabro said about just accept that the past is past and move on. You know this whole world, in a sense, is operating under Plan B, so to speak. God did not intend man to sin but he did. Thus, God established before the foundation of the world, scripture tells us, that Jesus would come and redeem mankind from their sin. None of us have walked this walk absolutely perfect, except Jesus. God can use even our mistakes to make something glorious! Just forgive yourself and trust Him to do it!

 

[flowerforever7]

That is understandable; however your road to sanity about the choices you made is going to be in letting them be behind you while you resolve to make right now and the future about the good. You have been given a clean slate and start. Those things that happened are no longer happening, do not let yourself be tied to them as they are in your past. Those events are dead and gone, all you have right now is the present and the future. Time is going to keep moving forward, but in order to get the most out of your life you are going to need to choose to stop looking behind you and look forward. You may be feeling the consequences of your actions, but they are just that: consequences. They are not the past situations happening again. If you stay stuck in your past mentally, you will become even more resentful about how you could have spent your time instead of thinking about your past. Redeem the time you have now. Go forward.

This Scripture came to mind " Philippians 3:13-14 "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

There is value in that. We cannot change our past. But we can change our present and our future. I think the first step for you is resolving to live in the here and now, and choosing not to be a mental slave to your past. You really don't have to be. God has given you the gift of today, and by His grace tomorrow. Use the time for beneficial good thoughts & things.

 

[zingiber]

Amen Flowerforever!

I just wish to add that what has happened is God's will. Whatever happens is God's will, his plan - I do not believe that there is some 'plan A' that he has for us that we can stuff up so that he is forced to let us take another plan. Who then would be able to take plan A? There is only the one plan, and that is God's plan, and that is what happens. What has happened is part of that; everything that happens is part of that! There is no sense in looking to the past and wishing that things could have gone differently; it is too late for that now. You cannot change what has gone; there is no such thing as alternate history.

But in the future, there is hope!

 

[flowerforever7]

Hmm... I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with Zingiber. God's will is that we obey Him. It is not "God's will" for us to make sinful choices. If we had no choice over the actions we take then God would be a liar for inferring in Scripture that we do. You cannot condemn someone for sinful acts you "will" them to do. Yet God gives us humans free will to make the choice to either obey Him or disobey Him. If we reap painful consequences for the disobedient acts we sow, that is on our shoulders. I do believe that there are possible alternate realities. The choices you make affect what happens in your life. If I get a paycheck and go out and spend it without restraint on frivoulos things instead of paying my bills that are due, then I am probably going to have some pretty negative consequences for that. If on the other hand I make the choice to do the right thing and pay my bills, I will not be facing a situation where my electricity is being turned off, I have no internet and I am being evicted. All actions bring about consequences bad or good that DO shape how our reality is played out in front of us. In the same way, if we depart from God's will expressed in the Scriptures we are going to reap consequences associated with that. For example, I knew a Christian who made a choice in lust to be sexually immoral with a non Christian man she was not married to. She ended up getting pregnant with twins. The man did not stay with her. She is now raising those twins as a single mother; which is difficult. She still has to make an income, which needs to be a full time income to support herself and her two kids. It was not "God's will" for her to make a sinful choice and be sexually immoral. She is reaping the consequences of her choice by having a life that is now much more complicated and difficult to manage. I am certain she loves her two kids, and that God is working through the situation. I am sure God still loves her. However, if she would have made the choice to refrain from sexual immorality, there may have been a different outcome. If she had chosen to wait and not give into sexually immorality out of lust, she could have been able to find a good supportive husband to share her life with. They could of had kids (when they were both ready) and life may not be so hard for her with the additional income and support of her husband that she wanted to be with. Am I saying that she is still not able to find a husband? No. Maybe she will. Yet her reality WAS affected by a sinful choice she made. That choice was not God's will for her. Yet, His compassions and mercies are new every morning and I am sure He is working through the situation anyway bringing about good. That doesn't mean she is exempt from the consequences of the decision she made though. The best thing she can do after her choice is to have a heart that is faithful to God. That is all we can do when we make a choice that is disobedient to God; repent and be thankful we have a new day and clean slate to make choices that will honor God and bring good things into our present and future.

 

[kaykay9.0]

In response to Zingeber and Flower above, let me just say since I mentioned Plan A and Plan B, I think the bottom line is this ....no, it is not God's will for us to sin, never is and never will be. However, I think Zingiber does have a good point, in the sense that God KNEW we were going to make the choices we would make, good or bad, and planned for them accordingly. Just like He did when mankind sinned originally. That said, we do as Flower said sometimes live with the consequences of our poor choices.

The deal is we all have made choices we wish we could have a do-over with, but we can't. But we CAN embrace all God has for us in the future and know He is working out or has worked out his plan for us even considering our flaws.

 

[zingiber]

Oh dear! By no means did I intend to say that God causes ('wills') us to sin. Far be that from me! I was meaning that everything that happens to us is both known by God and allowed by God; nothing is outside his control. Thus what happens is his 'will'. He is not commiting evil; he is in mercy allowing it to exist for a while so that men may have the chance to turn to him. It is not by his commission that evil occurs, but by his permission. So everything we do is in that sense, fulfilling God's plan, although naturally we hold the responsibility for our actions. Unfortunately here is where we swim into the murky waters of the debates surrounding free will!

Anyway, suffice it to say that one's past does not dictate one's future. Though we may have sinned, there is always the opportunity for repentance and forgiveness and change. Hope springs ever anew. Naturally, I agree also that all our actions have consequences - but these consequences do not change God's plan for us, because as you explained well, Kaykay, God knew that we would sin. His plans for us take that into account. I mean that all along, there is only ever a plan 'A'; never a plan 'B'. Everything that happens is God working out this plan. We should not regret what could have happened. We know that we have done wrong, but we know that God allowed this ultimately for our benefit. In fact, so many people have only turned to God when they were in the squelchiest swamp of despair! Think of John Bunyan, and John Newton. Their early periods of great sin did not change God's plans for their lives - indeed, it was because of those pasts that they were so grateful to God. It was because of those pasts that they knew just what we need saving from; their pasts helped motivate them to greater service. Their blackness served to show all the better God's light. God's plan encompassed all of that!

 

[dabro]

Okay good good. I thought this thread was going south but, I see everybody agree's so YAY! Stay on the path of Love cause thats where it's at. As for me will you guys pray that I quit beer or wine or what ever makes me drunk. This I'm sorry is a thread take over for now but I need them. Please I am praying to and thanking God that I'm okay. Thanks Daniel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Okay good good. I thought this thread was going south but, I see everybody agree's so YAY! Stay on the path of Love cause thats where it's at. As for me will you guys pray that I quit beer or wine or what ever makes me drunk. This I'm sorry is a thread take over for now but I need them. Please I am praying to and thanking God that I'm okay. Thanks Daniel

Praying for you, Daniel, to be able to stay away from whatever is destructive for you.

 

[pkhaney]

one thing you said that sticks out to me is your happiness you felt with this guy. but you weren't really happy if your comparing it to your beng happy in your life with God. they are both different comparisons and have different outcomes as to the real happiness. think on this.