OCD and relationships-help!

[snbcamp]

I am new here. I have been married (happily) for 13 years now to a wonderful woman who loves me even though she knows that she is the object of my negative obsessions. We have four kids, two of them adopted which have brought about their own challenges. The other two are aged 3 and 7, so our household is busy to say the least.

I have depression and OCD and when I get one, I get the other too. I have recently had a bout of depression and my doctor put me on Cymbalta along with the Wellbutrin that I was taking previously. This seems to have helped the depression, but the OCD continues and it is very troubling to say the least.

When I get obsessed, I start to doubt my marriage (ie. did I make the right choice, am I as happy as I can be, do I love her, etc.) I have these thoughts go through my head all day long and the harder I try to stop it the worse it gets. Outside of my OCD, my wife and I have no problems with our marriage though for reasons too numerous to mention here we have had a lot of stress in the past year due to illness, teenagers, etc. When these thoughts persist though, I get really scared because I don't want to do anything that would hurt her or the kids (leaving the marriage). I know that were I to do that, it would be a huge mistake. Unlike most people with OCD, I don't have compulsive behaviors (other than spending work time on sites like this, I just have these thoughts.

I have only been on the Cymbalta for a couple of weeks, so maybe it'll take time to work. I feel like a freak having this obsession. Most people have to count steps, wash hands, etc. I obsess about a perfectly good relationship that has made me happy and given me a great family. If anybody has any suggestions, support, advice I would appreciate it. Thanks for reading this.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi snbcamp I smiled when I read your message... I'm Post-it from the healthboards and SIAD. This is a GREAT community and I'm really glad you found this site. My main obsessions have to deal with the relationship stuff (doubting my love for my husband/our marriage) as I have said before, but when it decides to be quiet, I often obsess about religious and health issues.

If Cymbalta doesn't work (although I know someone who has relationship obsessions and it worked great for her), you can always give Luvox and Prozac a shot. They are supposed to be great for OCD.

Are you in therapy? That is what helped me the most. I will post more later when I have some more time...welcome!

 

[snbcamp]

Hi Post-It! It was nice to see you here too! I have enjoyed your posts from Healthboards.

I thought that I'd try to post my story here and get some good support from some Christian brothers and sisters.

This OCD is really knocking me for a loop, today especially. I am seeing a very good therapist who has been doing some CBT with me. The Cymbalta has helped somewhat with my overall depression (ie. I can now get out of bed and go to work) but it hasn't helped much at all with the OCD (which is why I'm here at work posting on this board instead of working

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi Post-It! It was nice to see you here too! I have enjoyed your posts from Healthboards.

I thought that I'd try to post my story here and get some good support from some Christian brothers and sisters.

This OCD is really knocking me for a loop, today especially. I am seeing a very good therapist who has been doing some CBT with me. The Cymbalta has helped somewhat with my overall depression (ie. I can now get out of bed and go to work) but it hasn't helped much at all with the OCD (which is why I'm here at work posting on this board instead of working

Hi snbcamp, I hear that is common with meds. If anything, once you get to the right dosage, you should be able to dismiss your thoughts much more easily. I'm sorry you are going through another round of OCD. I just switched birth control and it is really doing a number on my anxiety - of course the first thing I think of is "is there something wrong with my relationship??"

Therapy was great for me. My therapist chose just to do CBT and not ERP with me, and something she taught me was to say to myself "I can't trust that feeling because it's linked to a false thought" whenever I start to wonder how I "feel" about my husband. Logically I know that love is not a feeling but when I get wrapped up in my OCD, all I can think about is if I "feel" in love with him or not. Which is silly, because when I'm not OCDing, I don't think about whether or not I feel anything when I'm around him! Anyway, once I started looking at it from that approach, it really helped. I hope your therapist really gives you some good pointers and helps you on your way!

 

[snbcamp]

Hi snbcamp, I hear that is common with meds. If anything, once you get to the right dosage, you should be able to dismiss your thoughts much more easily. I'm sorry you are going through another round of OCD. I just switched birth control and it is really doing a number on my anxiety - of course the first thing I think of is "is there something wrong with my relationship??"

Therapy was great for me. My therapist chose just to do CBT and not ERP with me, and something she taught me was to say to myself "I can't trust that feeling because it's linked to a false thought" whenever I start to wonder how I "feel" about my husband. Logically I know that love is not a feeling but when I get wrapped up in my OCD, all I can think about is if I "feel" in love with him or not. Which is silly, because when I'm not OCDing, I don't think about whether or not I feel anything when I'm around him! Anyway, once I started looking at it from that approach, it really helped. I hope your therapist really gives you some good pointers and helps you on your way!

Thanks SAD for the great encouragement. I could totally identify with what you said in your reply, especially how you doubt your feelings for your hubby when you are OCDing and not thinking about it otherwise. I am that way too. For the longest time I thought that I was the only one, so it's nice to find someone who can identify. One of the things that my therapist told me is that he knows that this is OCD, because when I am not having trouble with the OCD, I'm NOT in his office trying to find ways out of the marriage I am just starting to learn some of the CBT techniques. I bought a book today called 'Brain Lock' which describes a thought replacement therapy. So far it's good.

Thanks again for your encouragement.

 

[snbcamp]

This OCD stuff is really tough. I find that I can't trust my feelings. I go from being okay with things like I think I've finally got a grip on it, to feeling despair and anger at my wife like it's somehow her fault. This couldn't be farther from the truth. She's been a solid supporter through all of this, though I know it can't be easy for her. I just don't know how I feel or what I want anymore. One minute I want to be with her and the kids, the next minute I just want to be alone.

 

[stacii]

I get the marriage doubts also. It's very painful and talking about it with my husband was very difficult, especially since we are currently expecting our first child. I just transitioned away from this obsession actually, but I know it will be back. I hate that OCD attacks everything that is near and dear to you.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

snbcamp, you are right - you absolutely cannot trust your feelings. OCD never makes sense. My therapist said that with OCD, you believe what you are feeling at the moment, and that's why OCD is such a burden. Feelings are not fact, even though they seem real.

Using your feelings as a guide when you have OCD is just about the perfect way to never feel anything that you want to feel, and the perfect way to keep OCD going. Your feelings are not a good guide at all. In fact, when you are obsessing, you need to look at them as your enemy. With OCD, the anxiety will heighten your senses to all the things that you don't want and trying to force yourself to feel things is a certain way not to feel them.

The bottom line is, just like any other form of OCD, what matters in the end is what you actually do, not what you think or feel. OCD is a very good manipulator of feelings. It's why people say "but I feel like I really want to stab my kids!" when it is the last thing they would ever want to to do. The feelings are false, and they are false because they are connected to the false thoughts.

Like you, when I am not OCDing, I'm not at all worried about my marriage or what's wrong with it or if I should stay or go. I never really want to go, I just want to end the constant anxiety, doubting, and obsessing. Love is not something that you can prove or validate with 100% certainty just through emotional experience. [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

[jenzbugrulz1978]

I understand about the irrational thinking/feelings. I tend to worry myself sick about feeling certain things when the issue is happening and then a few hours (or days) later when my head is clearer I tend to realize how inaccurate my thinking was.

 

[Ketsagirl]

No with OCD you cannot trust your feelings at all!! I like to doubt that my hubby really loves me!! Its not fun.