I could write a book about my insecurities which have have tormented me most of my life. I really don't even know when for sure they started but I tie them back to grade school. I grew up in a christian home with older parents along with two siblings. My parents were extremely private people and it was even rare to see them even give each other a kiss and if so, it was as one left out the door quickly to go to work. My parents never talked to me about sex, changes I would encounter as I grew up and I grew up alone within a family with very little conversation. I can't say I grew up unhappy, I entertained myself and played outside most of the time, but usually alone because we were somewhat isolated out away from other houses. I was painfully shy as a child, still somewhat am. I was a slow developer and I found myself...left behind in gym class and the last to be picked because I was smaller and being shy did not help this. Older people that I knew were closer friends to me than most close to my age. I learned a lot of interesting things from them...but I missed out doing things with kids my age and just getting used to my changing and growing body...I think this was a key time period for me for some reason, but still do not know the reason(s). I became increasingly insecure with my body, especially because I was not developing as fast as other boys...I'm not sure I ever got over that. I am extremely competitive now and very OCD with any projects I'm working on. My insecurities have led me directions I did not belong...sexual sins, some porn, all I think going back to me being insecure about myself. I need this totally put behind me. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my problems and worries with my loving, unaware wife laying beside me. Why can't I accept myself as I am and as far as I know, I'm just as normal as the next guy. I need to forgive myself for past sins. I need to know that God and Jesus have forgiven me. I need strength to not sin anymore. I need strength to accept myself as I am knowing that I am perfect in God's eyes. My short obsession with porn was to try and make myself feel that I was normal and oddly enough it did a little. During that time frame though, I felt I was being watched and even my dog barked and carried on like someone was there...creepy. I think angels are watching over us...and might even be trying to lead us in the right direction. I need prayer. My insecurities make me extremely moody at times. I need freedom from my insecurities and my OCD behavior. Please pray for me. 
