Obsession about hair

[Dachshund22]

Hello,

I am 29 and have struggled with OCD since I was around 14. I have experienced various obsessions such as scrupulously and hit-and-run OCD. I am struggling with something at present that I don’t know if it is OCD/anxiety related or not. I am hoping someone will have heard of a similar experience that would help me understand what I’m dealing with.

My struggle is that I am severely tempted by ladies’ hair styles that I see in public. This struggle comes and goes, but when it is present and I see something tempting, it is like the air is sucked out of me, or I am slugged up side the head, and I can’t enjoy anything else. This can last for a few hours where I can’t break away from a longing for my wife to do something similar with her hair. If it is really bad, I end up in a sort of depression where I am crying and almost want to die. It seems at times that the only way I can prevent this is by not going in public in the first place.

My wife knows about my struggle, and it is hard for her when I end up so depressed and make the outing miserable for her too. I know I am supposed to be content and not be so focused on outward appearance, but I just can’t break away from this.

Again, I don’t know for sure how much of my struggle is OCD. I know all men struggle with temptations to lust. I just don’t know in my struggle where normal temptation ends and where OCD/anxiety begins.

 

[Brother-Mike]

I would be less concerned about figuring out whether this is OCD or not (although given the temporal element I would guess so) but instead try to understand more the phenomena:

1. What is the “temptation”? To be intimate with the other woman? Or just for your wife to have that hair style?
2. Does this happen with women you find unattractive physically, except for their hair? Or does it always coincide with overall attraction as well?
3. Has this always been present, or seems to be worsening?
4. What is the effect when your wife changes her hair style? e.g. even simple changes like ponytails, pig-tails, etc?
5. Is there any commonalities between the triggering hair styles, or the women? E.g. all tall women, all latino women, always with “fancy” hairstyles, always with masculine hairstyles?
6. Do photos trigger the same response? Movies?

Just trying to understand more…

 

[Dachshund22]

Hi Brother-Mike,
Thank you for your reply.

1. The temptation is usually just to look (covet, lust) and be discontent by wishing that my wife’s hair was that way.
2. It does coincide with a woman’s overall appearance. If someone does not look attractive to me, I don’t have as much a struggle.
3. I have struggled with this ever since I was around 14. Before my wife and I were married, I didn’t understand what I was feeling, and certain hairstyles bothered me. After we were married, I realized that it was an attraction that I just hadn’t understood before. The intensity comes and goes; I will go through seasons where I don’t care too much, then other seasons where I think about it constantly.
4. When we were dating it bothered me when my wife would braid her hair a certain way because it made her not look like herself. But I do not have that feeling anymore.
5. I am triggered by women coloring their hair. For some reason I am triggered by the “unnaturalness” of it. My wife will get highlights and that is the sort of thing that I like, and that will help sometimes.
6. Yes. Photos and movies can be a struggle for me as well as seeing people in public.

 

[Michie]

Hi Brother-Mike,
Thank you for your reply.

1. The temptation is usually just to look (covet, lust) and be discontent by wishing that my wife’s hair was that way.
2. It does coincide with a woman’s overall appearance. If someone does not look attractive to me, I don’t have as much a struggle.
3. I have struggled with this ever since I was around 14. Before my wife and I were married, I didn’t understand what I was feeling, and certain hairstyles bothered me. After we were married, I realized that it was an attraction that I just hadn’t understood before. The intensity comes and goes; I will go through seasons where I don’t care too much, then other seasons where I think about it constantly.
4. When we were dating it bothered me when my wife would braid her hair a certain way because it made her not look like herself. But I do not have that feeling anymore.
5. I am triggered by women coloring their hair. For some reason I am triggered by the “unnaturalness” of it. My wife will get highlights and that is the sort of thing that I like, and that will help sometimes.
6. Yes. Photos and movies can be a struggle for me as well as seeing people in public.

Are you sure you aren’t dealing with a hair fetish like Trichophilia?

 

[Dachshund22]

Michie—
I hadn’t heard of that term before. That does sound similar to what I struggle with. Thank you.

 

[Michie]

Michie—
I hadn’t heard of that term before. That does sound similar to what I struggle with. Thank you.

You are very welcome and it appears you are not alone. I suggest you find a support system and find ways to keep your marriage healthy.

 

[Brother-Mike]

Hi Brother-Mike,
Thank you for your reply.

1. The temptation is usually just to look (covet, lust) and be discontent by wishing that my wife’s hair was that way.
2. It does coincide with a woman’s overall appearance. If someone does not look attractive to me, I don’t have as much a struggle.
3. I have struggled with this ever since I was around 14. Before my wife and I were married, I didn’t understand what I was feeling, and certain hairstyles bothered me. After we were married, I realized that it was an attraction that I just hadn’t understood before. The intensity comes and goes; I will go through seasons where I don’t care too much, then other seasons where I think about it constantly.
4. When we were dating it bothered me when my wife would braid her hair a certain way because it made her not look like herself. But I do not have that feeling anymore.
5. I am triggered by women coloring their hair. For some reason I am triggered by the “unnaturalness” of it. My wife will get highlights and that is the sort of thing that I like, and that will help sometimes.
6. Yes. Photos and movies can be a struggle for me as well as seeing people in public.

Thanks Dachshund22, and I agree with Michie's assessment too of finding a good therapist. Rest assured that these professionals deal with situations like yours day in and day out, so you're not going to surprise them or present a challenge that they likely haven't dealt with already. It's also good that your situation doesn't lead you to infidelity.

A therapist or clinical psychologist may introduce you to exposure therapy, which seems perfectly suited here, maybe with your wife participating, maybe not. The fact that photos can trigger it also is good, because that gives you a private, safe locale of your own home to work on improvement.

I would let your wife know if you haven't already that you're actively seeking an approach to help with your problem. I'm guessing that would mean a lot to her.

Best of luck brother and do please keep us in the loop with your progress - I'm sure I speak for the others in saying that we're rooting for you!

 

[Mari17]

Hello,

I am 29 and have struggled with OCD since I was around 14. I have experienced various obsessions such as scrupulously and hit-and-run OCD. I am struggling with something at present that I don’t know if it is OCD/anxiety related or not. I am hoping someone will have heard of a similar experience that would help me understand what I’m dealing with.

My struggle is that I am severely tempted by ladies’ hair styles that I see in public. This struggle comes and goes, but when it is present and I see something tempting, it is like the air is sucked out of me, or I am slugged up side the head, and I can’t enjoy anything else. This can last for a few hours where I can’t break away from a longing for my wife to do something similar with her hair. If it is really bad, I end up in a sort of depression where I am crying and almost want to die. It seems at times that the only way I can prevent this is by not going in public in the first place.

My wife knows about my struggle, and it is hard for her when I end up so depressed and make the outing miserable for her too. I know I am supposed to be content and not be so focused on outward appearance, but I just can’t break away from this.

Again, I don’t know for sure how much of my struggle is OCD. I know all men struggle with temptations to lust. I just don’t know in my struggle where normal temptation ends and where OCD/anxiety begins.

Thank you for sharing! I have OCD too, so I totally get it. This sounds like something that OCD would love to latch onto! OCD likes to take an issue and make it seem unsolvable and insurmountable. It likes to make us think that because we feel a certain way, that means something terrible about ourselves. For example, "Because I am attracted to certain hairstyles, I am a horrible person." But the bottom line, really, is that it doesn't matter so much what we feel or what that means about us. What matters most is our choices. It doesn't really matter how you feel about women's hairstyles. You don't have the power to choose your feelings, but you do have the power to choose how you respond. You can choose to keep going on with your day, to focus on your wife instead of getting stuck in a cycle of ruminating. As you ignore these feelings, and the urges to do compulsions, the thoughts and feelings will gradually lose their power over you. Are you currently getting professional help for your OCD, or have you in the past?

 

[Dachshund22]

Sorry for the late response. Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I am not currently going to a therapist but I have talked to my pastor about it. I appreciate everyone’s suggestions.

 

[Mari17]

If you ever need more resources for OCD/scrupulosity, let me know! There are some good websites about it, including:
The OCD Christian
OCD and Scrupulosity Archives - ACCFS
Scrupulosity.com: Faith-based Solutions for Religious OCD - Scrupulosity.com

I also like the online support group Christianity and Anxiety Disorders - Let's Talk | Facebook.