Obsessing about honesty (not the same issue as the last thread)

[EtainSkirata]

Hi all. I'm obviously having a little bit of a breakdown these last few days. I really appreciate everyone's help.
Last night my boyfriend and I were talking about something sort of serious (theological conversation) and he said it was hard for him to answer what I thought was a simple question because he had to analyze every possible situation I was asking about. He goes "Do you know how hard it is not to lie to you?" He was trying to think of a way to honestly answer my question without it taking an hour.
This sent me into some heavy guilt. I know I have not been totally honest with him in conversations. Last night I tried to mentally review old conversations to think of times where I've flat out lied, and i couldn't come up with much of anything.
But I do have one instance I'm currently concerned about: a month or so ago we were listening to a podcast talking about what a wife does in the home, but I wasn't listening really, I was obsessing over something I didn't want to share with him but the thing was giving me HORRIBLE anxiety. So I said, in relation to thr podcast about being a good housewife, "I don't think I can do that." And we got to talking and I told him I tend to get stuck in anxiety (true). But basically he thinks that I think I can't be a good mom because I get stuck in anxiety, when the reality of why said I can't do it is more specific to the thing i was worried about, but didnt want to share. I basically didn't give him an accurate picture as to WHY I didn't think I could do it.
I don't know. I feel as though I might have convinced myself I'm a pathological liar. I don't know how or what to confess to him about thar conversation, or about how in general I feel like I'm a liar, especially when I can't give him concrete examples (aside from the one above, or a time when I said I knew of couples (plural) who dealt with a type of relationship problem when in reality I could only think of one couple I knew about).

I prayed this morning for forgiveness and for God to help me be honest, because I feel like I live my life in half truths or almost truths. I know we're not perfectly honest 100% of the time. But in regards to that serious conversation we had about me being a mom, I don't know what, if anything, to confess to him. And I'd already analyzed that conversation almost right after it happened, but I'm thinking about it again.

 

[Tolworth John]

he thinks that I think I can't be a good mom because I get stuck in anxiety, when the reality of why said I can't do it is more specific to the thing i was worried about, but didnt want to share. I basically didn't give him an accurate picture as to WHY I didn't think I could do it.

Your problem is that you are not prepared to talk about your real issues.
Of course he is going to think something if that is what you are telling him.

I think you need to get professinal help to deal with your issues.

 

[EtainSkirata]

I am working on getting help, but I don't think thr therapist is a good fit. My pastor offered biblical counseling, and I might just do that. I just feel this horrible, heavy condemning weight, and I feel so disconnected from my boyfriend right now. Some small part of me thinks I'm over reacting, and the rest of me is saying I'm a fraud and a liar. Rehashing conversations with other people and realizing I briefly wasn't honest. Condemning me for exaggerating sometimes. And the worst part is, I can't hardly think of specific examples! It's just this weight of "I'm a fraud and I don't deserve to be in this relationship." Is it enough to ask God for forgiveness and try to do better? I don't know what or how I would even confess this stuff without making things worse because I can't really point to anything specific. And is it necessary to confess every horrible thought? Because he once said, when I was trying to explain something but told him I couldn't be accurate because I didn't want to share everything, that he didn't need to have an accurate picture of how mh brain worked (and that I'm a woman, so how can he? as a joke).
I'm starting to think I might marry this man; and yet I feel like he'd be making a poor judgement if he asked me to marry him.
I'm just feeling awful.

 

[Tolworth John]

I am working on getting help,

Look up and read, several times, the web site:-
25 tips for successfully treating your OD.
Share this site with your pastor, family and friends, so they have an idea how to help you.

Point 4 about intrusive thoughts is very helpful.

 

[Mari17]

I am working on getting help, but I don't think thr therapist is a good fit. My pastor offered biblical counseling, and I might just do that. I just feel this horrible, heavy condemning weight, and I feel so disconnected from my boyfriend right now. Some small part of me thinks I'm over reacting, and the rest of me is saying I'm a fraud and a liar. Rehashing conversations with other people and realizing I briefly wasn't honest. Condemning me for exaggerating sometimes. And the worst part is, I can't hardly think of specific examples! It's just this weight of "I'm a fraud and I don't deserve to be in this relationship." Is it enough to ask God for forgiveness and try to do better? I don't know what or how I would even confess this stuff without making things worse because I can't really point to anything specific. And is it necessary to confess every horrible thought? Because he once said, when I was trying to explain something but told him I couldn't be accurate because I didn't want to share everything, that he didn't need to have an accurate picture of how mh brain worked (and that I'm a woman, so how can he? as a joke).
I'm starting to think I might marry this man; and yet I feel like he'd be making a poor judgement if he asked me to marry him.
I'm just feeling awful.

It sounds like your OCD is really going wild! It also looks like it's at least partially manifesting itself as ROCD (relationship OCD).

So, I have a couple of thoughts:
1. OCD often goes really crazy if we're trying to cling too much to some idea of perfection, or perfect happiness. I hope I'm not saying this in a way that is triggering. But it might actually be helpful for you to realize that there's no such thing as a perfect guy, or a perfect relationship. Even if this guy is "the one," at some point down the road the infatuation will wear off, and you will not feel as intensely enthralled by him. But right now, while you're still really excited about the relationship, your OCD is trying to make you think that you have to "solve" every single objection about the relationship so that you can be 'perfectly happy.' At least, this is the way my OCD operates. It's hard to do until you've gained more life experience, but if you can realize that this is not the "perfect" guy (even if he's great!), and that if this relationship doesn't work out, God will still take care of you and fulfill your needs (and meet your desires in other ways), then it might help your OCD to calm down.

2. Is your therapist familiar with treating OCD? If not, I'd recommend looking for one who does. Your pastor may be able to help you, but I'd also be a bit cautious about him doing things that could potentially make the OCD worse (such as offering reassurance) if he's not familiar with OCD. If you do go that route, it may help to give him resources about OCD so he can learn about it (I can suggest good ones if needed!). Also, regardless of what you can get for professional help, I'd really recommend continuing to learn everything you can about OCD, and applying what you learn. Read good books/websites about it. Join this group (Christianity and Anxiety Disorders - Let's Talk | Facebook), if you haven't already. There are people on there (and a lot of people in general) who deal with relationship OCD, so you should be able to find some resources about it!

I hope all of this was helpful, and not triggering or confusing. If you need me to clarify anything, please just ask!! Praying for you!!

 

[ElenaMaria_9]

I am working on getting help, but I don't think thr therapist is a good fit. My pastor offered biblical counseling, and I might just do that. I just feel this horrible, heavy condemning weight, and I feel so disconnected from my boyfriend right now. Some small part of me thinks I'm over reacting, and the rest of me is saying I'm a fraud and a liar. Rehashing conversations with other people and realizing I briefly wasn't honest. Condemning me for exaggerating sometimes. And the worst part is, I can't hardly think of specific examples! It's just this weight of "I'm a fraud and I don't deserve to be in this relationship." Is it enough to ask God for forgiveness and try to do better? I don't know what or how I would even confess this stuff without making things worse because I can't really point to anything specific. And is it necessary to confess every horrible thought? Because he once said, when I was trying to explain something but told him I couldn't be accurate because I didn't want to share everything, that he didn't need to have an accurate picture of how mh brain worked (and that I'm a woman, so how can he? as a joke).
I'm starting to think I might marry this man; and yet I feel like he'd be making a poor judgement if he asked me to marry him.
I'm just feeling awful.

I'm not in your exact situation regarding your partner etc but I have OCD, and Scrupulosity OCD and this obsession with truth was something I battled with a long time. It's less intense now but it sti 'll tried to raise its ugly head up from time to time

 

[ElenaMaria_9]

It sounds like your OCD is really going wild! It also looks like it's at least partially manifesting itself as ROCD (relationship OCD).

So, I have a couple of thoughts:
1. OCD often goes really crazy if we're trying to cling too much to some idea of perfection, or perfect happiness. I hope I'm not saying this in a way that is triggering. But it might actually be helpful for you to realize that there's no such thing as a perfect guy, or a perfect relationship. Even if this guy is "the one," at some point down the road the infatuation will wear off, and you will not feel as intensely enthralled by him. But right now, while you're still really excited about the relationship, your OCD is trying to make you think that you have to "solve" every single objection about the relationship so that you can be 'perfectly happy.' At least, this is the way my OCD operates. It's hard to do until you've gained more life experience, but if you can realize that this is not the "perfect" guy (even if he's great!), and that if this relationship doesn't work out, God will still take care of you and fulfill your needs (and meet your desires in other ways), then it might help your OCD to calm down.

2. Is your therapist familiar with treating OCD? If not, I'd recommend looking for one who does. Your pastor may be able to help you, but I'd also be a bit cautious about him doing things that could potentially make the OCD worse (such as offering reassurance) if he's not familiar with OCD. If you do go that route, it may help to give him resources about OCD so he can learn about it (I can suggest good ones if needed!). Also, regardless of what you can get for professional help, I'd really recommend continuing to learn everything you can about OCD, and applying what you learn. Read good books/websites about it. Join this group (Christianity and Anxiety Disorders - Let's Talk | Facebook), if you haven't already. There are people on there (and a lot of people in general) who deal with relationship OCD, so you should be able to find some resources about it!

I hope all of this was helpful, and not triggering or confusing. If you need me to clarify anything, please just ask!! Praying for you!!

I second this ! Absolutely

 

[EtainSkirata]

It sounds like your OCD is really going wild! It also looks like it's at least partially manifesting itself as ROCD (relationship OCD).

So, I have a couple of thoughts:
1. OCD often goes really crazy if we're trying to cling too much to some idea of perfection, or perfect happiness. I hope I'm not saying this in a way that is triggering. But it might actually be helpful for you to realize that there's no such thing as a perfect guy, or a perfect relationship. Even if this guy is "the one," at some point down the road the infatuation will wear off, and you will not feel as intensely enthralled by him. But right now, while you're still really excited about the relationship, your OCD is trying to make you think that you have to "solve" every single objection about the relationship so that you can be 'perfectly happy.' At least, this is the way my OCD operates. It's hard to do until you've gained more life experience, but if you can realize that this is not the "perfect" guy (even if he's great!), and that if this relationship doesn't work out, God will still take care of you and fulfill your needs (and meet your desires in other ways), then it might help your OCD to calm down.

2. Is your therapist familiar with treating OCD? If not, I'd recommend looking for one who does. Your pastor may be able to help you, but I'd also be a bit cautious about him doing things that could potentially make the OCD worse (such as offering reassurance) if he's not familiar with OCD. If you do go that route, it may help to give him resources about OCD so he can learn about it (I can suggest good ones if needed!). Also, regardless of what you can get for professional help, I'd really recommend continuing to learn everything you can about OCD, and applying what you learn. Read good books/websites about it. Join this group (Christianity and Anxiety Disorders - Let's Talk | Facebook), if you haven't already. There are people on there (and a lot of people in general) who deal with relationship OCD, so you should be able to find some resources about it!

I hope all of this was helpful, and not triggering or confusing. If you need me to clarify anything, please just ask!! Praying for you!!

Thanks Mari to answer your question, my therapist wants me to do guided muscle relaxation, to spend 3-5 minutes a day focusing on breathing, and to find things that help me be mindful of the moment. But I'm wary of meditation type practices. So I don't know about her.

 

[Mari17]

Thanks Mari to answer your question, my therapist wants me to do guided muscle relaxation, to spend 3-5 minutes a day focusing on breathing, and to find things that help me be mindful of the moment. But I'm wary of meditation type practices. So I don't know about her.

Mindfulness and relaxation exercises can be helpful, but the therapy that is considered the most effective for OCD is ERP (exposure and response prevention). ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) can also be helpful. Have you asked her about her familiarity with these? If she doesn't know much about them, I'd be very cautious about her ability to treat OCD. Do you have any other options for therapists in your area?