numerous issues including mental health & deconversion

[hippo]

I have a history of mental illness which I have so far thought was spiritual in origin from childhood issues, but I never got really delivered from it. I haven't worked apart from voluntary work and have become isolated. In the end I deconverted twice and looked into atheism. I tried to come back but had an attack on my mind where it felt like something outside of me was flooding me with negative thoughts when I was going to go to church which made me think that it was over.

Basically, since then I've found myself thinking about God again and wondering how I can come back and whether I will experience another mental attack again.

Added complications I'm facing are possibly losing my rented home due to new government rulings on the number of bedrooms, plus I haven't worked for many years and I could be under pressure very soon to find a job when my health isn't good. So I'm concerned that things could be very difficult and there is little training available. I have very few people to ask for help.

The main thing is I really need a miracle with my heart and mind and from God to know that he accepts me and to be able to discern what he is guiding me to do and having the strength and motivation to do it (my psych meds and past lack of progress have affected my get up and go).

Thanks to anyone who feels able to pray about this.

 

[HonestAtheist]

Hang in there. It sounds like life handed you some lemons. Don't be afraid to ask for help! There are tons of great resources (Christian and non-Christian) available to those who aren't afraid to ask for help. The hardest part is being humble about it and not being defensive about who you are.

You're alive right?! Well then congratulations, you are in the graduating class of "We made it." Just don't give up, keep learning and thinking for yourself, and be humble enough to happily accept help when it's offered.

 

[hippo]

Dear HonestAtheist, just wanted to say that it was kind of you to reply to my post.

 

[RCF]

I will be praying for you hippo.

1st things 1st, that thing that was assaulting your mind, look at this scripture:
1 Peter 5:8

New International Version (NIV)

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

He has his grips in you and is not going to let you get back without a fight. Happens to me a well. Something always comes up when you least need it to, spiritually. We have to fight through the distractions and find God.



Next, I have a few questions for you. What kind of work do you volunteer for now? What are your interests? Where do you want to be in a year from now?
Easy questions are not always easy to answer, but if you are up to it, I would love to know more about you.

RCF

 

[hippo]

hi RCF, thank you for your reply. I didn't reply straight away because to be honest, well, I wish that someone had asked me the questions that you asked me about 20 years ago or when I was growing up and had cared about the answers. I feel closed off now because so much has happened that has had a big impact.

I will try and answer your questions as best I can - I volunteer at a Christian café - I am a cashier and greet customers. To be honest the cafe is often very quiet. I've also done voluntary work in a reception area in a hospital, and am going to start doing some simple admin there this week.

As for interests - I am very out of touch with this. The medication and circumstances and illness I've been experiencing for years took away my motivation and affected my ability to focus and memory, plus I haven't had the financial resources to pursue much. About twenty years ago, before all this happened - I was interested in studying the sciences at college level (but didn't complete the course), enjoyed reading homemaking magazines, I wanted to become a doctor (really interested in the human body).

Today the main thing I like doing is researching on the internet, I also like customer service aspect at the café. Apart from that I'm quite stressed because of my situation so I rarely relax do anything apart from on the odd occasion when I might go for a walk, or play with some paint. I have wanted to study but I am not near a college and lack the funding.

If I could, a year from now I would like to be working four days a week in a customer service or admin job that is with friendly people and managing to hold on to my home (which I will only be able to do if I find work for 30 hours a week). I think I would have to work initially for something like 15 hours and hope that I could claim a supplementary sickness benefit, before increasing them to 30 hours, because I haven't worked for so long.

Well now that I've written the above - I realise that I've written something which might just possibly be feasible if several doors open and an employer is willing to give me the chance and if I can keep my health stable and not wobble.

If you're asking where I would really like to be in a year's time though, if money wasn't such a huge issue, then it would to be at a university studying for a degree which would mean living in a completely different area where I wouldn't know anyone away from family and friends and giving up my tenancy (although I risk losing it anyway). I suppose the reality is that I would have to get a job though at the end of it and might not be able to find one in a scientific field and I would be even older then so getting employed could be a big challenge still. (The degree I would study would be either an art degree with a view to becoming an art therapist or art teacher, or else something along the lines of biophysics because I think it would be really interesting.)

Well, these are my attempts to answer your questions.

 

[RCF]

Hippo,
Good to hear from you! Hey, as far as higher education goes, I recommend checking on 2 year colleges or community colleges first. They can get your requirements out of the way and help you discover where you may accelerate best at: art or science. They are also much less pricey. Check into Pell grants and scholarship opportunities as well.

I have also read that customer service jobs can be found in your own house if you have a broad band connection connection and a land line. Set your own hours, earn pretty descent money. I think I heard this on Dave Ramsey, or Clark Howard's radio show. You may be able to do some Internet research to learn more if it sounds interesting to you.

More importantly, your spiritual life. First, keep coming back here. I can feel a major difference in my mental state when I don't get back here enough. Talk or write with others here about what is going on in your mind and in your life. Helping others and relaying your experiences to others can be very therapeutic. Sometimes you find yourself answering questions you didn't realize you had the answer for. And sometimes God gives me answers through this site.

Second, don't give up with your struggle finding God. Let those around you help. Surround yourself with people you want to emulate. By that, I mean Christians that you want to model yourself after.

Third, remember that all of us mess up. Don't be to hard on yourself, or those around you. We are going to help the best way we know how, but remember to pray and read the scriptures to confirm that the advice is coming from and leading you in the right direction.

hippo, you have a lot of things running through your head right now. Stop everything and talk to God. He is your father and can help you sort all of this stuff out. Do not be discouraged. We are all sinners and do not have to be perfect. If you find yourself stumbling around, get back to the basics: pray, read the bible, and take it to your friends for advice.

It seems strange that we can feel love for someone that we only know through a few lines of text, but I feel the love for you hippo. I know you are hurting and confused about things so remember, I am praying for you. Maybe that's a little miracle that you have helped me receive. Through Christ, all things are possible.

Keep me posted. In brotherly love,

RCF

 

[hippo]

hi RCF,

Thanks for your reply - its kind of you to think of me, but I'm in the UK and the opportunities aren't quite the same, especially for where I live - they are much more limited.

I have done lots of research but have kept ending up against the same obstacle - insufficient income, especially to pay for travel costs or course fees.

The customer service job idea sounds really good but I'm not aware of anything like that in the UK that's legitimate that you can do at home. I have searched online.

Right now, I'm not really sure that God exists again. I'm also up against the side-effects of the drug that I've been stuck on. Its really affected my memory and weight as well as my sleep and other issues. I think that I could be happy doing a shop job from a customer service point of view, but I don't think I could stand up for very long.

I'm going to a drop-in now for people who have issues - things like homelessness or addictions. Its run by Christians. I'm not sure if its good that I go or not because of the issue and risk of stigma and the fact that its mainly men who visit, but I go in the hope that God will speak or help in some way.

 

[food4thought]

Praying for you Hippo.

 

[servant of Merciful Love]

May God bless and heal you in His Merciful Love