NT trying to understand common Aspy traits

[schrodingers_cat_lives]

I realize everyone is a unique individual and vary on the spectrum, but I'm trying to understand the commonalities among aspies in order to better understand my Aspy boyfriend who was recently diagnosed.
I'm trying to learn how to discern what is what. In other words, when are certain behaviors a result of AS and others just learned behavior, cultural, background etc.

I have a few questions.

1. Is it common for people with AS to experience a lot of anxiety over the littlest things? (or rather what seems like a small thing to an NT) I'm not referring to social anxiety, just an over all tendency to ruminate about negative things, or anticipating the worst before it even happens. I.E, Someone who would be viewed as a "worry wort" or quickly crumble when experiencing stress, pressure etc.

2. What about depression. I don't know if this would be a chemical component or the result of psychological trauma that may occur due to the difficulty coping in an NT world. Anyway, Is a tendency towards depression common among many aspies?

3. With regards to emotions. I think of him as overly sensitive, overly emotional in terms of feelings of anxiety or irritibility, and yet on the other hand, it seems to me that he is very stoic--That is, what I interpret as a "cold" disposition or someone who lacks compassion and empathy. Can anyone here identify with what I've just described?

 

[dayhiker]

I once heard that AS people have less depression than NTs do. I have very few down times.

Emotions ... At a young age I learned to not be anxious.
By my early 20s I realized it was stupid to worry about others thought as they were never thinking what I thought they were.
Yes, I don't come across as empathitic. I was 99 out of 100 logical as opposed to empathetic in a test I took.

I recently came to express my emotions as feeling a lot less bad feelings as compared to the average person. I feel a lot of posititve feelings, but still as exsuberant as NTs.

 

[schrodingers_cat_lives]

So are you saying you don't feel self-conscious or anxious around people? I may be wrong, but from what i see through aspy forums, not to be over-simplistic, but there seems to be 2 general types of aspies---those who actually prefer to be alone and feel fine about it (don't feel they need relationships) and those who seek out relationships but have difficulty with it because of the social issue and therefore feel lonely. Am i correct in this assesment? or way off?

Regarding empathy and sympathy.... i'm trying to understand this. I'm trying to figure out how or why aspies have difficulty with feeling empathy. The question is how do we learn empathy? When i think of children or especially teenagers, they don't score high in the empathy dept. When i think of my teen nephew or remember myself as a teen, i was self-absorbed, selfish and didn't really feel empathy/sympathy for many people unless it directly affected or benefited me in some way. In other words, i was in my own teen world and the adult world was of no concern to me. Now, i'm thinking the way we learn or develop empathy is through social interaction, through connecting with others, investing in relationships and giving of yourself as well as receiving. So the question is: Do aspies tend to lack empathy due to the lack of social interaction/social development? In other words, is it a result of isolation or difficulty connecting intimately with others as they are growing up or is this a result of neurology? I understand that the limbic system is the area in our brains that controls emotions. So for aspies, is the limbic area sort of atrophied in a way from birth and then maybe further atrophied from lack of use since more activity is given to the areas in the brain that control logic, learning knowledge since aspies tend to have high IQ's. I'm referring to the whole little professor thing.

 

[dayhiker]

I don't feel self-conscious or anxious around people now, I used to when I was younger. I started watching people quite a bit from the time I was fairly young and I started to learn about people, I took the college course, studied about groups and how they function. A number of things to learn about people. So people were one of my obsessions.

Ya, you make some good points about our lack of feeling empathy. Self-absorbed, or inward look we AS have means we aren't out there having the relations and social interaction thru which we can learn empathy. But I think it starts with the neurological differences. So we feel more comfortable with systems that are predictive and so we can understand them better .. like computers. We aren't intuitive in understanding people, so relationships come harder. We have to think them thru rather than just acting from our gut so to speak.

Also there is an aspect of feeling the emotions to some degree on the inside and not being able to express them on the outside for others to see. Or we are thinking about a group situation we are part of and by the time we understand what the group of people just did/said they are on to the next thing. So we can't be part of the group dynamic because we are too late with our comment to be part of the flow of the verbal expression.

But we can be understood intellectually if one is willing to study them over a long period of time to learn the patterns and get to know the data that people like to talk about. But often that daily data isn't of a lot of interest to people with AS.

 

[ThePurpleFlower]

I have a few questions.

1. Is it common for people with AS to experience a lot of anxiety over the littlest things?

Sometimes, yes. I compensate for this by being an obsessive planner and scheduler. It makes me a good teacher, because I'm always prepared with back-ups for lesson plans and figure out a lot of worst-case scenarios that I can plan around. I'm also an "instant-structurer". I grew up in a fairly unstable home environment, where I couldn't rely on my parents or school to provide structure. I developed the skill to build my own schedule by asking lots of questions and making lists and routines in my head. Anything I'm in a new environment, I instantly go into "observe and construct" mode, finding anything familiar I can attach to and build into a structure.

It's funny, because everything thinks Aspy negativity and worse-case scenario-ness can be a bad thing, but as long I keep in Scripture and remember that God is good and is ultimately in control, it becomes quite handy. My less-organized NT husband relies on my focus and preparation.

2. What about depression.Anyway, Is a tendency towards depression common among many aspies?

I have no idea. It's common in my family tree, where there's a history of ASness and depression. As for me...I've just been called overly cynical and morbid in general. I've been a Christian most of my life, and that has really enabled me to avoid depression, I think. God is persistent with his love, and I've clung tenaciously to Him through a lot of issues.

3. With regards to emotions. I think of him as overly sensitive, overly emotional in terms of feelings of anxiety or irritibility, and yet on the other hand, it seems to me that he is very stoic--That is, what I interpret as a "cold" disposition or someone who lacks compassion and empathy. Can anyone here identify with what I've just described?

It's interesting how people tend to associate empathy and concern with emotional responses. Can you be empathetic out of duty? Out of a Christian sense that it is a good thing to be concerned about others?

For me, the problem with empathy is that I'm not good at reading faces and things. I'm obsessively interested in human cultures and human systems of communication, so I've worked hard to be able to figure out others. However, it takes a lot of focus and energy to use that knowledge all the time--and even to remember to use it. I just don't think of the world in terms of people + emotions + a need to be emotional. Can't the world function differently?

I'm in a philosophical mood right now because I'm mired in some very uncomfortable situations at work where people are acting in highly emotional, highly (to me) nonsensical ways, and I'm having to puzzle through it, because people with emotions run the world.

 

[dayhiker]

PurpleFLower,
Part of what is going on with the reassignment at work is those coworkers took ownership of the project and now its removed from their hands and they feel a loss.

I'm with you tho. We are paid at work to work on the project we are assigned to. When the project goes to another, move on to the next project. We are still getting paid. When I loss a job then one really has to deal with the issues.

 

[MoeSzyslak]

I realize everyone is a unique individual and vary on the spectrum, but I'm trying to understand the commonalities among aspies in order to better understand my Aspy boyfriend who was recently diagnosed.
I'm trying to learn how to discern what is what. In other words, when are certain behaviors a result of AS and others just learned behavior, cultural, background etc.

I have a few questions.

1. Is it common for people with AS to experience a lot of anxiety over the littlest things? (or rather what seems like a small thing to an NT) I'm not referring to social anxiety, just an over all tendency to ruminate about negative things, or anticipating the worst before it even happens. I.E, Someone who would be viewed as a "worry wort" or quickly crumble when experiencing stress, pressure etc.

2. What about depression. I don't know if this would be a chemical component or the result of psychological trauma that may occur due to the difficulty coping in an NT world. Anyway, Is a tendency towards depression common among many aspies?

3. With regards to emotions. I think of him as overly sensitive, overly emotional in terms of feelings of anxiety or irritibility, and yet on the other hand, it seems to me that he is very stoic--That is, what I interpret as a "cold" disposition or someone who lacks compassion and empathy. Can anyone here identify with what I've just described?

1. Yes. Yes and Yes. I am consumed with anxiety. Often over ridiculous stuff. However, Besides aspergers, I am also diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. So who knows what it is a symptom of.
2. I don't get depressed very often. I don't think I understand with my feelings enough to get depressed.
3. That's a pretty good description of how people would describe me.

 

[Ultraviolet]

people like me with aspergers dont necessarily worry more. we just worry about different things. for example, NT people worry about things that seem small to us, such as fashion, appearance, etc. We recognize these things as important, but small. Aspergers people think more obsessively, we may develop some sense of "what everything ought to be placed" , or "what to do" that is based on "oh i did this that one time and i had a fun night , thus i need to do this (stack books, etc. etc.) to have fun". this is OCD like. another thing that causes worry in those with aspergers is noise or small sensory things. most people can drown noise out fairly well, or at least try to cope. when already stressed, people with aspergers may panic, its not that we are immature, its just that the sensory overload occurs with really high intensity when u have aspergers and we cant tune it out at all. and during these states we cant think well and we get confused . when we are stressed, we often need to communicate the stress, and this is what causes the panic when we are stressed. when im stressed and alone , i feel fine. its when someone else like a parent or someone tries to rush us or is nosy , or even asks what i have to do. like when we are stressed we absolutely cannot explain anything, it is so hard to explain things for us , that if a co-worker or someone asks in an angry tone what im doing or tries to "put me on the spot", i freeze up and cant answer. its not an emotional thing or a maturity thing, its just that we find it impossible to process all this information . to us, its the other people that are getting [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed off at us and rushing us when we are trying to think of how to word a response to their question ,etc.

2. depresssion: aspergers can lead to depression. aspergers is a social disorder and people with aspergers want friends and girlfriend/boyfriend. its just harder for us to get these things and it leads to loneliness and then depression.

3. i feel a lot of empathy. yet people with aspergers have a limited understanding of non-verbal communication/understanding of others. when we hear someone say something , we feel empathy, yet do not know how to respond in an empathetic tone. many of us dont like to show emotion because it may be a fear of ridicule or something, like what if we try to be empathetic but it ends up hurting them more? we have a limited understanding of people and although we feel emotional empathy, we risk askiing the wrong questions, like if someone's dad dies, we may be concerned about them , but we may show empathy improperly by asking questions (thinking that it shows we are concerned) and end up making the person think of the father even more and getting sadder or even insulted that we pryed too much information. affection is hard for people with aspergers because although we may love someone, we dont know how to express it in a socially acceptable way and thus may end up making a fool of ourselves. We may want to hug someone , but we may think "i care about them ,im their friend. however, im not sure if they see me more than a mere stranger , so if i hug them , they may slap me, or may get mad,,etc.". anger on the other hand, is easy to express and it has a tendency to express itself. all other emotions are easy for people to hide, anger just comes out. and irratibility results from anxiety. when you are irratible , someone may be asking you questions, but we are too anxious to answer them well.

 

[TalusJumper]

1. Is it common for people with AS to experience a lot of anxiety over the littlest things? (or rather what seems like a small thing to an NT) I'm not referring to social anxiety, just an over all tendency to ruminate about negative things, or anticipating the worst before it even happens. I.E, Someone who would be viewed as a "worry wort" or quickly crumble when experiencing stress, pressure etc.

2. What about depression. I don't know if this would be a chemical component or the result of psychological trauma that may occur due to the difficulty coping in an NT world. Anyway, Is a tendency towards depression common among many aspies?

3. With regards to emotions. I think of him as overly sensitive, overly emotional in terms of feelings of anxiety or irritibility, and yet on the other hand, it seems to me that he is very stoic--That is, what I interpret as a "cold" disposition or someone who lacks compassion and empathy. Can anyone here identify with what I've just described?

I am not officially diagnosed yet (considering it) but pretty sure I have it. To answer your questions in a nutshell, this sounds just like me.

 

[TheChristianAspie]

1. Yes. Yes and Yes. I am consumed with anxiety. Often over ridiculous stuff. However, Besides aspergers, I am also diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder and OCD. So who knows what it is a symptom of.
2. I don't get depressed very often. I don't think I understand with my feelings enough to get depressed.
3. That's a pretty good description of how people would describe me.

Me too! I got upset recently because my husband moved the bed over 6 inches (we don't rearrange furniture in my house - it changes the space and feels wrong). Once he explained why he did it, I decided it was logical so I got used to it.

When they painted my office recently the people moved my desk 4 inches further back than it was supposed to be. I got very upset. My co-workers did not understand why I was upset. My husband understands though.

I also say the same thing about depression! I am not aware of my emotions enough to be depressed. Also, the world is sort of surreal to me. I don't "connect" with people (that is how my counselor described it).

I don't show much emotion but I am a happy person. I have learned how to smile more (took years of practice in the mirror). But if someone lies to me or someone does something unfair to someone else, I get very, very upset.

 

[Standing_Ultraviolet]

I have a few questions.

1. Is it common for people with AS to experience a lot of anxiety over the littlest things? (or rather what seems like a small thing to an NT) I'm not referring to social anxiety, just an over all tendency to ruminate about negative things, or anticipating the worst before it even happens. I.E, Someone who would be viewed as a "worry wort" or quickly crumble when experiencing stress, pressure etc.

This one I can't really answer, since I have OCD as well, and my experience probably isn't typical for someone with Aspergers.

2. What about depression. I don't know if this would be a chemical component or the result of psychological trauma that may occur due to the difficulty coping in an NT world. Anyway, Is a tendency towards depression common among many aspies?

It's probably not inherent, but a lot of individuals with Aspergers syndrome go through some psychological trauma while in school. Bullying and social isolation are common when they're younger, and can be especially severe if symptoms of the condition are severe or otherwise noticeable. Since it can be hard for people with Aspergers to make friends, this can be another cause of depression. I would say that depression and Aspergers can go hand in hand, but it's probably not a direct relationship.

3. With regards to emotions. I think of him as overly sensitive, overly emotional in terms of feelings of anxiety or irritibility, and yet on the other hand, it seems to me that he is very stoic--That is, what I interpret as a "cold" disposition or someone who lacks compassion and empathy. Can anyone here identify with what I've just described?

People with Aspergers can be overly sensitive. They rarely lack empathy in a "cold" way, however, although they can sometimes appear less than emotional in a situation where a neurotypical individual would display more emotion. Aspergers isn't the same as conditions like anti-social personality disorder, where a person lacks the ability to empathize with the pain of others. Individuals with AS may not realize that others are hurting in a given situation, but generally if they do realize that the person is in physical or emotional pain, they will react with sympathy.