NT Chaplain Counseling Aspie Inmate...Advice, Please!

[ChapNelson]

I'm a volunteer chaplain with the Texas Prison System. Until a few months ago, the only aspect of autism I was aware of was the non-verbal type.

I know hundreds of inmates, and have held many counseling sessions in the 5 years I've volunteered as a prison chaplain. Several months ago, I had an extended conversation with an inmate whom I had briefly greeted several times in the various programs I help to oversee at the unit. The only thing I knew at the time was that this inmate was a proclaimed Satanist (I'm a Christian), and that he had caused lots of problems on the two prison units he'd spent time on. He was feared and even hated by a lot of the men on the unit because of his aggressive manner and reputation as a Satan worshiper. It came out in our conversation that he had been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, and that he was actually an atheist who didn't believe in God or Satan or an afterlife. He felt that as a Satanist, he could congregate with more open-minded individuals...but that only lasted for a little while. He apologized more than once, thinking he may have unknowingly offended me in something he said. Honestly, I had never met a more polite, likable individual in my life! I wanted to know more about this man and his AS diagnosis.

Being an NT with all the NT social and flexible thinking skills in place, I could tell that Dave was coming to our Christian services and events because he was longing for human interaction with someone he felt he could trust. I also felt very strongly that God had His hand on this man's life, and at that moment, I felt a powerful feeling of love and compassion flow out of my heart towards Dave (agape love...the kind God gives us...I'm 100% hetero and have 2 sons of my own, so this is purely Christian love I'm talking about!). I also felt very clearly in my spirit that God wanted me to really reach out to Dave, and understand him and give him the love and acceptance that Christ gives to all who will receive it.

Anyway, several months and about a dozen 4 hour counseling sessions later, using books by Temple Grandin and Dr. Valerie Gaus, I have come to a much deeper understanding of Dave's thinking processes and concrete/literal way of thinking and perceiving life and those he comes into contact with. Like most Aspies who never had the advantages of special training in social skills and interactions, Dave is very blunt and free with his opinions, and has created quite the atmosphere of fear and rejection with all who interact with him. And with his concrete black-and-white way of seeing things, he just assumes that everyone else is to blame for any misunderstandings, and they are at fault for any offenses felt.

That attitude carries over to his interactions with the correctional officers and the Wardens...to the point that the Senior Warden told the Chaplaincy office that he was sick of hearing all the complaints about Dave, and he'd better not hear anymore. Which is when I volunteered to have special, extended counseling sessions with Dave, to see if I would be able to help him with his social skills, and understanding of how important they are for the interactions involved in day-to-day living.

After learning how to disarm Dave's defensive attitude, and then gaining his trust, he became very receptive to first understanding the differences in thinking, communication and social rules between NT and Aspies, and how to use that understanding to have successful social interactions with NTs. He's come a long way in learning social skills, but I don't know how much longer I'll be allowed to work with him, so I need to step up the pace with him.

My overarching goal in the time I'm spending with Dave is to someday bring him fully into Christ's love and become a part of our Christian family where we can look after him and really help him feel like he's a permanent and active part of the Christian community. His ID religious designation would be changed to Christian so he can be a part of a family who really cares for him.

So, here's where you come in my Aspie/HFA brothers and sisters in Christ...

I truly need your insights and counsel regarding possible ways to reach someone like David (41-year-old Aspie with alexithymia (emotional blindness), lack of the ability to put himself in others shoes (Lack of Theory of Mind capability, as well as lack of ability to empathize)...no real need felt for a need for repentance for sins committed...doesn't feel guilty (he lives by a strict moral code, though I'm not sure yet how he justifies his being sent to prison...that will come when he's ready). With his highly logical way of thinking, and no belief in God or the devil, nor the afterlife, it's really hard to know (even with my NT Intuitive magic powers! ) how to help Dave see his need for salvation, as well as being open to the teachings of Christ.

All I know is that it's gonna take a Damascus Road experience of Christ revealing Himself directly and undeniably to Dave, or else the Holy Spirit will need to open a door within Dave that can allow him to be open to the Gospel of Christ...but so far, I haven't seen any real progress on that area. But I continue to intercede for Dave before the throne of God and to love him with the love of Christ. It remains a great mystery to me as to how God reveals Himself to a genius-level (168 IQ), highly logical, concrete thinking Aspie, who doesn't understand his need for salvation and the transforming love of Christ and His Peace and Joy in his life...what a difference it made in my old drug-addled self some 39 years ago...I myself could have been dead or in prison if not for His love and acceptance in my own life!

Any insights or suggestions from you Christian Aspies who were converted to Christianity (not just growing up in the Church)? Thanks!

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Chap,
Good for you for how well you have come to understand Dave. I can relate to quite a few of the observations you have made.
I don't know that I have any big insight into how to get him to see his need for salvation. From a kid it just seemed natural to me that God created the world and was there.
The one thought that did come to me as to say he could ask God to help him understand when he should show compassion, when things weren't black and white. I to believe with the Holy Spirit living inside there is a direction God gives and a discernment that helps us know how to respond to other people. But at least before he asks the Holy Spirit to teach him he has to see he needs better social skills. if he gets that, then just ask him as a test, as way of collecting data to ask the Holy Spirit to give him insight when to show compassion to the other inmates, when to listen, when to speak softly etc. Maybe in two months of collecting data he will see he has understood things better than in the past and will be willing to ask more of God. So I guess us his intelligence not to take him down the sinners path to to investigate will God/Holy Spirit teach him what he hasn't learned yet in life.

Hope you keep us informed about how your with this Dave goes.

 

[ChapNelson]

Hi Dayhiker,


It’s really nice to connect to someone in the Aspie Christian community. I do appreciate your response, and you don't need any great insights on this matter brother...just communicating from the perspective of an Aspie who is also a Christian can shed lots of new light for me on how to help Dave to open his heart and be willing to at least ask God to let him know if he is real or not...then let the Holy Spirit do His work!


Most of the men I’m able to reach for Christ in a prison environment have been broken by the incarceration experience...but it sometimes takes them coming back several times to realize their true needs. At that point, they are much more ready to recognize their spiritual and moral bankruptcy and their need for a Savior and for His forgiveness and reconciliation with God. Those men are easy to reach...all I have to do is be a vessel of Christ's love and forgiveness, and as I have seen over and over, Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Add unconditional forgiveness and acceptance into a Heavenly family and eternal inheritance...most broken men are very willing to repent of their sinful and destructive life and except Christ's life within them for an exchange! One of the most incomprehensible things I am dealing with is how to relay some of God’s defining attributes (Love, Mercy, Compassion and Forgiveness) to someone who is emotionally blind (alexithymia), and has no real understanding of positive emotions, though he feels a deep-seated need for love and acceptance, which is built into all of us. I have even asked God for a "Damascus Road" experience for Dave, if that’s the only way he can be reached…the unmistakable, undeniable revelation of God’s existence in a way that Dave can understand!

Now Dave is a man who has been misunderstood and rejected all of his life (typical of many Aspies)...abused and betrayed by those he thought could be friends. And worst of all (in my eyes), he has been judged and shunned by Christians, and he has a very low opinion of them in general because of his black and white way of looking at things. His rule for judging them goes like this...I should be able to say anything I think to a Christian...call him or her out for any hypocrisy in the way they conduct themselves based on MY understanding of the teachings in the Bible, and they should respond as Christ did, in love and forgiveness...otherwise they are the "scum of the earth" and shouldn't even call themselves Christians! He shares this attitude with anyone who will listen. In some cases, he is right in his judgment, but the way he dispenses it destroys any good that God might use it for to convict the soul he is accusing of wrong-doing.

Add to these very offensive attacks the claim of being a Satanist, as well as being the "prison lawyer" for all the non-Christian groups on the unit, and it would take a very mature Christian to see him with God's perspective rather than being deeply offended for themselves as well as for the Church (and guilty at the same time where his arrows hit their mark!). Usually, the ones who are the brunt of his attack very quickly give up defending themselves (with his 168 IQ and a lawyers ability to tear any defense to shreds) and even well-meaning Christians end up avoiding him at all costs in the future. So, because of this, he is feared by most of the Christian community inside the unit, despised by many as a Satan Worshiper (he doesn't even believe in Satan), and excluded from any chance of someone in the Christian community befriending him.

Knowing all of these things about Dave, I still felt God's love and forgiveness expressed with me in a powerful way for him, and whenever he would attend a Christian function I was overseeing, he would always come up to me and greet me very pleasantly, smiling and with a warm handshake (he’s since told me that this is a façade which he learned to use in his role as a high-performing salesman in the "free world"). The other Christian inmates, including those who are leaders in our church there all warned me that he was only there to destroy the church and I was one of the ones he meant to take down. But I didn't discern that at all in my spirit. I saw a man (not a monster) desiring to communicate and interact with someone, and I believe he saw God's love and acceptance in me. And that's how our journey of understanding one another started.

(continued)

 

[ChapNelson]

If a man is starving to death, or dying of thirst, you don't just teach him about God's love and his need to accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. That may be his ultimate greatest need, but his immediate need is to be given food and drink, in order that he may see God's love and acceptance in action. And this has been my approach with Dave from the beginning. I always point my actions as originating from my relationship to Christ, and it has been clear from the beginning that my desire is for him to have the same great joy, peace and love that I experience by personally knowing Christ in his own life. I told him from the very first session with him that I felt very strongly that God had His hand on Dave’s life, and had a very special calling for him once he accepted God as real and believed in Christ and accepted His salvation. Of course, he isn't ready yet for this, so I see this time now as allowing God to work through me to prepare Dave's heart to receive Him...being an instrument of His Love and Mercy to Dave.

I started reading every book on High Functioning Autism I could find, beginning with Temple Grandin, and working my way through many of the better known ones (Anthony Robbins, etc.), and finally concentrating on Dr. Valerie Gaus' wonderful Guide/Workbook called "Living Well on the Spectrum - How to Use Your Strengths to Meet the Challenges of Asperger Syndrome, High Functioning Autism by Gaus PhD, Valerie L. [The Guilford Press,2011]". Also a very insightful book by Dr. Temple Grandin and Sean Baron called "The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships – Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspective of Autism". Both books are excellent and insightful for both Aspies and NTs. As instructional manuals they do a great job of explaining many ways that the Autistic mind functions and how it differs from the way an NT mind would understand or function. Of course, every individual is unique and differs in functionality and degree of use or processing of their mental faculties. These books seem to do a good job of explaining the most commonly found differences, though. Through reading about a dozen books, going to various Aspie/HFA/ASD websites and forums, and just plain ol' NT intuition (which I seem to have a lot of when it comes to understanding people), I use variations (depending on what's occurring at the time) of the following format for our sessions:

1) First 30 minutes or so to check-in and clear the mind of stressful emotional buildups...Dave can vent if he feels the need, and be as acerbic as he wants, knowing that I won't take anything personally...and I re-assure him that this is a perfectly normal and acceptable way for an Aspie to release built-up sensory and emotional overloads in a safe environment that we are currently in (chaplain's office with the door locked). He always seems greatly relieved after doing so...a prison environment is very stressful for an NT...It's hard to imagine how someone on the spectrum can handle it!

2) I also had an insight for an unconventional method to help him lower those defensive walls and become much more receptive to what I wanted to discuss with him regarding Social Skills and the NT culture later...I discovered that he and I have a great deal in common regarding classical music and opera...I think we are both OCD when it comes to a passion for music! He mentioned that his favorite composer is Tchaikovsky and his favorite ballets were The Nutcracker Suite and Swan Lake. Since I had never discussed my musical tastes with anyone at the unit before, he couldn't have known that I felt the same way about Tchaikovsky and his ballets as he does. So, I got special permission from the Warden to bring in those selections, as well as a number of selections by Pavarotti (another one of my own favorites!). During the initial wind-down session, after Dave is all "vented out", I put on one of those selections and let him listen for 10-15 minutes uninterrupted to a piece of his choosing, using headphones. He leans back in a reclining chair, closes his eyes, and for that slice of time, he is transported off the prison unit into another world of beauty and peace. I found that was a key that opened Dave up to many very revealing conversations about himself, and allowed him to be very relaxed and willing to discuss whatever topic or teaching regarding social skills that we had on our agenda for that evening.

3) Knowing how important it is for most Aspies to know ahead of time what will be expected, I always write up a very organized meeting agenda for him, and give it to him beforehand, which defines each item on our agenda for the evening, including the pages in the book(s) or articles we'll use for that part of the session, different activities we'll use to keep him motivated (video clips, games), and what I would like to accomplish with our time together (around 4 hours total).

4) The video clips include personal ones made by other Aspies on YouTube that I download and record for him. They may be personal logs of the struggles they're going through at the time, or more enlightened ones about how they learned to overcome some obstacle in their interaction in the NT world. I also do some fun ones like the Sheldon Cooper character from The Big Bang Theory, an "over the top" Aspie who seems to exhibit every classic Aspie trait imaginable! I bought the first 5 seasons of BBC's "Doc Martin" on DVD. I’d mentioned the character to Dave, and he said "Oh yeah...that's one of my favorite shows...he's the perfect model of a doctor who actually practices medicine the way it's supposed to be practiced!". I thought I'd bust a rib from laughing so much! I think NTs are fascinated with the Doc Martin character because of their being at the same time appalled by his completely rude, insensitive and uncaring attitude regarding his patients, and yet admiring his brilliance in diagnosing and "fixing" his patients. There’s also a fascination by NTs about his quirkiness (his obsession with clocks, in addition to all things medically related...which constantly causes misunderstandings regarding the reason he’s staring at someone with a medical issue he noticed). Then there's the love interest with Louisa, where he seems totally lost about how to treat her, communicate with her, or build upon their relationship in any way. I use these video clips to contrast how Dave sees Doc Martin's actions versus the disappointment, resentment and dismay that he causes the local community, in spite of the fact that people really WANT to like him and many try hard to include him in their little circles. But he continues to despise and reject their efforts, and sees no useful purpose in their attempts. And Dave seems to see everything almost exactly the same as the Doc Martin character, and sees the NT characters as a bunch of hillbilly morons! So, these various video clips are used as tools to compare and contrast the Aspie vs. NT perspective on life, love and the pursuit of happiness!

(continued...once more!)

 

[ChapNelson]

There is so much more to tell about Dave's progress, and walls being broken down to allow him to relax more (coping mechanisms for the anxiety issues), and start understanding how NTs think. He's actually starting to apply Theory of Mind concepts in analyzing the different possible reasons an NT might do something he doesn't understand, coming to some positive possibilities for their actions, instead of automatically assuming something negative...and only one possible reason.

He's been practicing conversational skills...how to start a conversation, and the give and take of conversations. He's done so well with those techniques, that he's come to me complaining that some people want to tell him all their personal problems now, and he isn't the least bit interested. He came up to me recently and said that he was practicing having a caring attitude, and he asked another inmate he saw on the yard who was moping around with his head down, if he was alright. The man told him that he was having a really bad day, that he just received news that his mother had passed away. Dave told me he had no clue what to say to him...that all he could think was "Sounds to me like it's your mother who's having a bad day!" He had learned by this point in our sessions to filter his thoughts before saying them (most NTs have these filters built-in by the time they are young adults). Also that he should try to determine if his thoughts are appropriate for the occasion, and possibly insensitive or offensive. He did well in not saying the first thing that popped into his mind, but had no clue how to respond otherwise.

I told Dave he could say something like "I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. I know this is a difficult time for you now, but just hang in there!" That suggestion was immediately rejected by Dave with "I can't say that! It would be a lie! I'm not sorry to hear his mom died, nor do I care!" My answer to that was to give him a slightly different way to say the same thing without telling a "white lie"..."Yes, that's very bad news. It must be very difficult for you right now, but just hang in there!" Same meaning, without compromising your integrity in saying something you don't really mean or feel inside! It also conveys a sense of sympathy, understanding and well wishes (even if they were never seen that way by Dave). This small act of kindness can be a very positive thing for the NT. Words can be used in a way that may have very little or no emotion or meaning for the Aspie saying them, but can be interpreted by the NT in whatever way he/she cares to interpret them to mean for that particular need they have at the moment. NT social conventions that we learn can be used to interpret the way and the contextual meaning which certain words and phrases can have when used in a conversation, to fit our own special need at the time…even if it’s not intended that way by the speaker. Weird, huh?

Sorry for the dissertation! Like an Aspie, I tend to think and express my thoughts at a very detailed level, which can drive my NT friends crazy!

So far, I’ve been blessed with a lot of wisdom and understanding about the way someone on the spectrum thinks and processes sensory inputs, thoughts and emotions (or not!), and how that compares to the NT way of doing the same thing. I’ve received some insights into helping someone with mild autism learn the skills needed to be successful In an NT world, including building in missing filters and finding coping mechanisms that can help relieve anxiety and prevent sensory overloads turning into meltdowns.
These insights and lessons learned from Aspies like Temple Grandin and from clinical behavioral therapy technique psychologists like Dr. Valerie Gaus have been immensely helpful in learning to understanding and relate to someone on the high end of the spectrum. However, I would love to continue hearing from you and anyone else with any insights or personal experiences regarding a good way to present the gospel of Christ to an adult Aspie…especially to one who feels they have been rejected by Christians already.

Above all, I always desire your prayers…they can move mountains, and the Hand of God as well!

 

[Sabertooth]

I am an Aspie in Mensa. I have also been in Intertel.

There are a lot of issues in your first post. First, I'd like to know where you are coming from. I got saved in a Baptist church, so I appreciate their efforts in evangelism. But most who I have associated with were not equipped to deal with spiritual warfare (like those in Vineyards & AoG's have been).

So far, Aspergers/autism, by itself, does not appear to be demonic, but we are known to often have comorbid conditions* that very well might be. We are as susceptible to demons as anyone else. We just wear it differently.

Getting to know his way of thinking/communicating is a good (natural) start, but (like every other person you would try to reach) you need to speak to his heart. That is not an entirely natural process, especially when there is a communications gap. Charismatic gifts, like Word of Wisdom & Word of Knowledge, can bridge that gap and say to his heart exactly what he needs to hear to move forward. (Even we Aspies need to do that with each other.) When God speaks (in such a way), all natural/man-made defenses melt away regardless of how intellectual that person might be. God can corner anybody.

In my B.C. days, consequences certainly would deter my behaviors, but not my underlying philosophy. I started looking for God when I felt like I had a pretty good handle on my surroundings. At a time when I should have felt pretty content in myself, I found that state to be disappointing and empty.** God began to pique my appetite. I remember asking God to reveal Himself to me in a way that I could really "get."

Some time later, when I was 15, I was visiting my aunt & uncle out-of-state. He introduced me to the Four Spiritual Laws which really spoke to me. I was raised in a church, so I understood that Jesus was God [the Son], that He died and rose again, but this tied it all together for me. I said, "Where do I sign...!?" and haven't looked back since.

I haven't forsaken my intellect.*** I have just come to understand its limitations.

*The only one that I am known to have is a Dangerfield Complex...! [I get no respect...]

**I recommend reading Ecclesiastes to all searching intellectuals.

***God actually wants, among other things, for us to love Him with our whole minds. [see Matt. 22:37]

 

[grandvizier1006]

The fact that you're able to reach this guy, this alleged Aspie Satanist, is definitely a testament of God's power. It means a lot to us Aspies when you NTs care enough to reach out to us, and with Christ no less! Thank you so much for seeing the humanity inside of him, on behalf of everyone with Asperger's!

I would give some advice, but it seems to me like you're on the right track. Contrary to what some Aspies say, we CAN learn social skills, empathy, Theory of Mind, eye contact, how to maintain a conversation, etc. It just doesn't come naturally. You're doing a great job teaching him all of these things.

As for intellectual arguments for the faith, I'm not sure how much I can help here. Not everyone with Asperger's is super-smart (I've been called smart a lot but I have no idea how true that is), but try not to make any assumptions about his arguments and way of thinking--in terms of opinions, I mean, not in terms of his AS. Obviously, having Asperger's does not affect your personal views on topics or what side of an argument you choose to believe in, although it could appeal to you for specific reasons.

I'm no apologetics expert, but if this guy's IQ is off the charts then you should try checking out InspiringPhilosophy on Youtube. Basically he's this "philosopher" guy who gives very good and complex arguments for the existence of God using quantum mechanics (which I know little about) and other complex stuff. Dave probably won't know what this stuff is, either, being in prison and all, but he should be able to grasp stuff quickly.

If Dave has trouble believing in the existence of God, I'd check out the Ontological Argument, if you haven't already explained that to him. Just remember that even though it's great for him to have a rational basis for the faith you want to build in him, he needs Christ's love more than anything else. And you're doing a great job of being that loving person that he needs.

Another thing is to address whatever "beefs" with Christianity that he has. You said he's quick to point out moments of hypocrisy and such within the church. Some of us Aspies have good observational skills with stuff like that, and so we're quick to find discrepancies like that. I still see it all the time in the church, but I've learned to just let it go. God is powerful enough to work through these things.

Just try and explain how we as Christians see these things, and whatever you do don't make excuses or justify things like the Crusades or imperialism or whatever it is that Dave has issues with about the church. If something or someone in the church messed up, whether it was one person or a whole policy, just admit that a mistake was made. He'll appreciate the honesty, and even more so if you can say something to the effect of, "But you know what? Despite that, God forgives us and we as the body of Christ are able to move on, learning from this."

God bless and don't give up on reaching this guy. You're doing everything right so far