Now THAT was an experience

[Darling Deedee]

Yesterday wasn't a good day for me and I'm feeling rather alone and I need someone who understands.


I started the day feeling good. It should be said that I haven't really slept in about a week. I know this is a sign but I've been so consumed with getting things done with all my energy that I didn't second-guess why I wasn't sleeping. Anyway, I was feeling pretty good but just before supper my mind went to static - there were so many thoughts and I had so much to say... mom and dad carted me off to the hospital and they brought me down and then sent me home. I'm still not thinking very clearly. Not sure if that's the meds they gave me or something to do with mania.



I'm not given to poetry but I saw a lady on TED who does spoken-word poetry and it really inspired me to write one about my experiences. *sigh* Here it is if you care to read it. I recommend youtube'ing either Sarah Kay or go to the Project VOICE page.



My Poem:



You know, it’s a funny world
Where my mind gets a bit confused
One minute I’m happy,
The next
There’s too many happy thoughts
Happy, and sunny, and
They’re flying at me so fast
I can’t keep them straight
Michelle is going horseback riding, I’m getting a cat named Barnabas
Some thoughts are questions
Always questions,
Why does the brick wall have lights in it, why doesn’t anyone believe that I’m Okay, why can’t I be this happy all the time?
When my thoughts turn sad
I cry
And cry
Why are people so mean? What about the starving kids in Africa? Why can’t I save all the hurt children here?
So I cry.
And then it’s off to the hospital
‘Cause some people don’t think I should be this happy
I’m sad for them
This is a wonderful feeling. So much better then ‘good’
But the doctor talks and talks
And talks
And finally there’s a pill.
There’s always a pill.
This one is brick red.
Just a little pill but why must I take it?
It doesn’t seem fair – no one else is taking pills!
I was taught to share but no one else wants this pill.
I take it but not willingly
And now my happiness is replaced by anger.
My friends
I thought you were my friends
My
Mind
Slows
Down
Sleep.

 

[NewCovenant]

Sweetie, you're really manic right now. You need to tell your dr so he can adjust your meds. Your insomnia alone is a sign, and it's feeding your mania, and your mania is feeding your insomnia. Please, please talk to your folks and call your doctor. You can't go on like this or you willl have a major mood crash. I will be praying for you.

 

[Darling Deedee]

Hey there,

Ya, Its been... interesting. I've come down off that high and slept soundly all night (drugged, of course). But I'm feeling more myself and more like I can think straight again. Sorry to worry you guys. Definitely was manic. I see my doctor tomorrow and we'll figure out what we're doing as far as my meds go. You're right - I can't keep going like this. But I'm doing better... though still a little scattered.

Thanks for reading the above post. Some of the stuff that gets written when you're manic is... cause for concern. *shakes my head* Oy vey.

Am going to go lay down for a bit.

-Deedee

 

[NewCovenant]

Glad to hear you're doing better. Proud of you for holding it together. Keep us posted.

 

[Darling Deedee]

I see my pdoc on Friday. It was the soonest I could get in, even after I explained my situation. Its not the secretary's fault that there's no space available. Friday will come soon enough but I'm feeling still a bit edgy. It takes time to put thoughts together through all the noise of my other thoughts but I'm hanging in there. I'm full of nervous energy too. Not sure if that's the mania or a side effect of the Abilify.

I'm ready to throw in the towel on Abilify. I just want to feel normal again! Well, rather... I want to go back to feeling like I did on Zyprexa. I got used to that and it became my 'normal'. Now I'm all wrapped up in the feelings of another drug. I hate most of all that food tastes like muck. Ugh. I need to stick it out and see what my doctors have to say.

Thanks for your thoughts!

 

[4givenme]

Bur Darling Deedee you make total sense in your poem!!!! Why when we are happy..finally, we are called "manic", so we are happy, be happy for us, not concerned, instead enjoy us and not stuff us full of more stupid pills. Its at the point I am reluctant to say if I am having a good day anymore, everyone gets all concerned. We start doing things to make others happy like its their illness not ours anymore. It feels good to finally be productive, not to sleep during the day, to get housework, AND gardening done in the SAME day. If I could find a safe way to stay what I call normal I would.

 

[Darling Deedee]

Hey guys.

Just wanted to let you know that I saw my pdoc today and he took me off the Abilify. He gave me a hard time 'cause I didn't call him to report all my ups and downs on it. I just about tore his head off when he said that and he looked at me and without batting an eye, he said "and you're easily aggravated, too?" Ugh! YES! I am! <sigh> I'm no longer taking Abilify, but he's switched me to Zeldox. Anyone have any experience with it? He explained that if this doesn't work then I'll have to stay on Zyprexa. My heart sank when I said that 'cause I can't stay on Zyprexa anymore - I can't keep gaining weight. I've taken one dose of Zeldox and feel fine so far. That wasn't the case with Abilify - I knew right away that something wasn't right. He said it will help with my hallucinations, too. Haven't had any of those in a long time as the Zyprexa helps with those. I'm praying so hard that Zeldox is the right drug and that it will work properly. I actually had a goofy conversation with the pill at supper, much to everyone's amusement! Prayers are always appreciated. This hasn't been an easy road.

4givenme - I hear what you're saying. I guess we just need to find a balance. It isn't healthy to be 'manic' but there's nothing wrong with being happy.

-Dee