Not what I wanted.

[awen]

Hey, everyone.

My name is Ben, and I just... want some input.
My wife and I have been married for three (very tumultuous) years. I love her so very much, but no matter how hard I try, I just keep acting in a way that is destructive toward her, and toward our marriage. For the longest time, I neglected to take care of her the way she needed. She pleaded with me, begged me to love her, and in my heart and mind, I did, but in practice, I failed her every day. Now, I want so much to make things better, to take care of her, and love her, but she's just too hurt. Every time I try to make things better, she considers it to be fake, and then I get frustrated because things aren't working out the way I want, and... it all goes downhill from there.

I try to be patient, I try to be kind, gentle, selfless, loving... but somehow I just keep slipping back into negligence every time things start to be a little better between us.

Question is: why am I so STUPID!? I have a wife who is the most incredible woman in the world to me. She's beautiful, she's funny, very intelligent, she's a fantastic cook, an even better lover, a wonderful wife and mother, and yet...
all we ever do is fight, and all I ever do is let her down!

Why can't I be what I want to be?

I've prayed, begged the Lord for help, that He would save my marriage, let me see my wife for who she is, and love her the way He loves the church, and yet I'm still stuck in this same place.

Please, help!

 

[aquamarine36]

Ben - You seem so sincere, I wonder what it is that you do wrong? What are a few examples, like say, where you have hurt her? Was it intentional or not? Usually when someone loves their spouse they are very good and kind to that spouse, hard to make mistakes when you love her sincerely. I would have been so happy if my husband ever showed an ounce of love to me!...............aquamarine

 

[Busybee]

Ben we could definitely (if possible) use some examples of the hurt you've "caused" so that we can hopefully help you better.

but somehow I just keep slipping back into negligence every time things start to be a little better between us.

I am able to respond about what I quoted there. It's a habit. Like all bad habits, they're hard to break. It sounds like you maybe get soo down on yourself when you do slip up that you're getting really frustrated and just throw your hands up.

Also, have you two sat down and had a face to face talk or are the emotions pretty much staying bottled up until things boil over?

I truly do feel for you because you seem like you want to make things work. The tone of your post reminds me of Paul in Romans 7:14-25

 

[bkg]

Question is: why am I so STUPID!? I have a wife who is the most incredible woman in the world to me. She's beautiful, she's funny, very intelligent, she's a fantastic cook, an even better lover, a wonderful wife and mother, and yet...
all we ever do is fight, and all I ever do is let her down!

Why can't I be what I want to be?

Hi Ben,

First and foremost, the fact that you WANT to change says a lot. I've been in your shoes, and I know what NOT changing costs... I too loved my wife more than words can express, but my actions didn't show that love to her. i would try and try, but like you, I would constantly fail. The confusion it caused is difficult to explain, as the actions were not in line with the desire.

I don't have a cure-all for you, unfortunately... I wish I did. Continue to seek God's plan, His mercy for you to change. Also, please consider seeing someone (Christian counselor) who can understand what you are going htrough and help you with practical ways to change your behavior. Whatever you do, do NOT give up....

bkg

 

[GirlieGirl]

Gosh I don't know. Everyone will say time and being consistent. But those are the two hardest pills to take.

There's been a lot of threads lately about husbands neglecting their wives. Am I the only one noticing this?

 

[kingzjewel]

its common. i find it very hard to get a man to treat you the way you need even if you explain it to them over and over. there's something like a mental block they seem to have against what you are asking ***this is all from my extensive personal experience*** . i also find that i have your problem in reverse, brother, b/c i have the best husband in thew orld and cant treat him like he is. it has a lot to do with things from my past that i have been working to get over. maybe its deeper than you think.

 

[Agape4u]

Ben, Check out the book, "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado, it touches on this very thing in the first few chapters.

 

[desi]

Ben, nice name, choose your battles. Give in on what you don't care to win. When things get heated try to defuse the situation with humor or by validating her, 'Gee sheila you look miffed?' You know her and she knows you. Learn to know yourself and avoid getting the wrong buttons pushed. That way you can focus your attention on her and look past the obvious argument to what the real issues are.

 

[SkyeBlue8]

This is a tough situation.
Actions speak louder than words. You should SHOW her that you love her, by doing things for her. Surprise her with little notes, or maybe flowers if she likes them, or maybe just getting a chore done for her that she normally does herself. Do things for her that you would normally do if you were still dating (and be sure to keep it up forever!) Be consistent. I know these things sound simple and I'm not trying to make the situation seem like it's less serious than it really is. But these things may be what she needs to finally soften up.
If she is really as unwilling to listen as you say, it may be what she needs! Maybe she just wants to see you doing things for her instead of just talking to her. It's worth a shot.
And dont forget to pray pray pray! God will listen and will honor you. He will restore the marriage because you are sincere and willing. And ask Him for patience as well, because you sure will need it.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Because you're a man........and she's a woman. Both need a good understanding of one another........my hubby has run into this same thing. Luckily for him, he married someone who always strives to better themselves and is a perfectionists, otherwise I might not have begun to understand the error of my own ways. It's good you are making an effort, good for you!! More than a lot of men, you are striving to understand. But let me tell you, you will never be able to do it all on your own because we female are very sensitive, emotional, irrational creatures....I'm not putting the female down, we really cannot help the way we are to a big extent, neither can me.... men are logical, way too logical.....with women it's about the motive of the heart..... and men can't quite understand women, and women have a hard time accepting that we are loved because the man seems to be neglectful, simply because they don't understand what goes on in a head of a woman, and woman vise versa. Thank God I finally have learned that my hubby loves me, even when he seems to be an insensitive buffalo, and I'm learning to appreciate what efforts he does make. He deals with a lot of pressure and stress as you are right now, however we are getting better. The keys are self-realization, understanding, and communication. Might I suggest counseling, because you are not going to figure this out on your own, neither is your wife.... you need another who can help bring to the surface both points and through it you both will gain a better understanding of one another. Also, just as I have had to do as a neglected wife (or so that's how I feel sometimes) I've had to learn to go to God, and through that love hubby God's way regardless of his treatment, or lack thereof of me. I recommend you do the same. God is the reason my hubby and I are still together. Also, I stronly recommend a book a recently read, it sheds so much light on the differences between men and woman and will help you understand better why you just cannot meet her needs.... here's a couple of books....


Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerich

and

Men are clams, women are crowbars (Don't have the book available right now to tell the authors)

Women's needs are insatiable...... we have to learn to appreciate and accept what our hubbies do do, however, men need to avoid becoming complacent and passive, which is very easy for a lot of them to do.

HB

 

[charligirl]

I agree with the other posts.. one suggestion I might add is do you know what her love language is? because if you are not showing her love in her language she won't receive it however sincere you are.

Basically there are 5 main love languages - this is the main way that we feel loved. Touch, spoken words, gifts, acts of service and time together. You generally show love i nthe same way you receive it. An example - a man and woman go for councelling as their marriage is on the rocks, "she doesn't love me" the man moans, "she never spends time with me" the wife is horrified "love you? of course I do, I'm, always showing you, look at all the things I do for you every day". the trouble is, her husband's language was words, so he never 'heard' her expression of love.

My friend has small children - for her if her husband tells her he loves her it means nothing unless he helps with the chores as an act of service... does this make sense?

These is a book about it called (I think) The five love languages.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Again, I just wanted to commend you for the effort you're making. Continue to make effort, your wife isn't always going to be happy, however, realize this, you'll never arrive. You'll never finally get it so that you can rest, because what shows women we are loved is a continual effort of our men to be gentle, sensitive, attentive to our needs. You won't ever "accomplish" this so you can be done with your efforts and your wife "finally is convinced" rather, it is a life long process. So don't get discouraged, I'm sure your effort alone is having an effect on your wife. Like both my hubby and I ,we both screw up and make mistakes, some days I'm nasty and disrespectful, other days he blows me off and acts like he doesn't really care, yet we both realize this and repent, and try better next time. You aren't going to be perfect all the time, neither is your wife. But don't get discouraged, when you mess up, just get back in their and do it again. You'll relationship and understanding will continue to get better as times goes on. Pray also. God Bless.

HB

 

[hisbloodformysins]

ABout the love languages, for example..... we have read the book together years ago, and I have told my hubby very plainly what my language is, and you'd think that after all these years he'd figure it out, yet he still does not speak it. For that reason I feel uncared about, that he isn't attentive to that, that I've specifically told him what I want and need so badly, yet he still tries to show me love in ways that are not my language. So, hands up.... I've had to learn to accept his language as love inorder to not feel completely miserable, but there is still a deep need in my heart because my love language is not met.

 

[kingzjewel]

ABout the love languages, for example..... we have read the book together years ago, and I have told my hubby very plainly what my language is, and you'd think that after all these years he'd figure it out, yet he still does not speak it. For that reason I feel uncared about, that he isn't attentive to that, that I've specifically told him what I want and need so badly, yet he still tries to show me love in ways that are not my language. So, hands up.... I've had to learn to accept his language as love inorder to not feel completely miserable, but there is still a deep need in my heart because my love language is not met.

totally feeling you there

 

[LynnMcG]

You know how we always say do unto others as you would do unto yourself? Well, that doesn't always work in marriage. You need to do unto her as she needs, not as you need. I'm just speaking from my own marriage and my own experience (14 pretty tumultuous but loving, happy, blessed years!) but I think a lot of problems occur in a young marriage when we don't get what we need from each other because we expect different things and make too many assumptions.

Men and women are just wired differently and you have to figure out how to work that out - together Now hear me out for a second, (don't beat me up guys)...
I got the best advice from a previous employer when I got engaged. She told me men and women are different and as long as you can accept it, you'll be fine. When a woman wakes up in the morning, before she even opens her eyes, she's thinking -- what will I wear, what's for dinner tonight, I have to vacuum and dust later, I have to remember to pick up the dry cleaning, I've gotta mail that birthday card... When I guy wakes up he's thinking - I've gotta pee. THIS IS NOT A BAD THING or a criticism of men. It's just how it often works out.

I am on overdrive ALL the time. I move fast, I talk fast, I think fast, I even type fast. My husband is the most relaxed guy. He's not stupid or unconcerned - he just doesn't sweat stuff like I do. It used to make me nuts. It doesn't anymore because I just know this is him. Now, I rely on his calm, his resolve over situations to bring me back to earth when I'm overdone. It's the same in every area of our marriage. We're just different. We used to wonder what God was thinking when he put us together, but now we understand - where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa.

What I mean is that I think people forget that men and women are different. I loved what Dr. Dobson once said on this subject. He said, if you were both the same one of you wouldn't be necessary. And really, do you want to wake up and look at yourself every morning?

Talk to her Ben. Then talk some more. Listen to her. I know when I've been in a tough spot with my husband I've asked God to change me. And it's made all the difference in our marriage. God bless you!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

You're young. Marriage is an awful big plunge at your age.

I recommend marriage counseling, for you or both of you. It is amazing what you can learn about yourself and marriage. If you go to counseling it may also show her in concrete ways that you are trying to make things right.

 

[desi]

You're young. Marriage is an awful big plunge at your age.

I recommend marriage counseling, for you or both of you. It is amazing what you can learn about yourself and marriage. If you go to counseling it may also show her in concrete ways that you are trying to make things right.

Marriage counseling is an odd animal. Female counselors tend to side with women while males side with males. Best to fix it yourself with the help of Godly examples, find a couple at church who has been married a long time and ask for guidance.

 

[bkg]

Marriage counseling is an odd animal. Female counselors tend to side with women while males side with males. Best to fix it yourself with the help of Godly examples, find a couple at church who has been married a long time and ask for guidance.

I would recommend counseling as well, but I admit that I really like the idea of a "mentor" couple...

 

[kingzjewel]

Marriage counseling is an odd animal. Female counselors tend to side with women while males side with males. Best to fix it yourself with the help of Godly examples, find a couple at church who has been married a long time and ask for guidance.

my friends are going to marriage counseling with opposite sex counselors so that wouldnt be a factor.

 

[alaskamolly]

I am on overdrive ALL the time. I move fast, I talk fast, I think fast, I even type fast. My husband is the most relaxed guy. He's not stupid or unconcerned - he just doesn't sweat stuff like I do. It used to make me nuts. It doesn't anymore because I just know this is him. Now, I rely on his calm, his resolve over situations to bring me back to earth when I'm overdone. It's the same in every area of our marriage. We're just different. We used to wonder what God was thinking when he put us together, but now we understand - where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa.

AAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!
That is too funny... Talk about a description of myself and my man! Oh, I was smiling reading THAT one...



To go along with the other good books mentioned, this is a great book on how to be a loving husband: "Reforming Marraige" by Douglass Wilson. My husband, a minister, rates it as THE number one book he's ever read for men on the topic of being a husband. We've actually seen that book used of God to change marraiges on the brink of total disaster. So, for whatever that's worth...



I'll refrain from any more comments till we get more info. There's not enough to go on so far--I have no idea if I have anything helpful to say or need to back off and let others share.

Blessings,
Molly