not trying to intrude, but need advice

[fallingforawidow]

I am the proud new boyfriend of a widow. We have been dating for 6 weeks. A few not atypical complications...when we started dating I didn't know that she had lost her husband only last August, after a long battle with cancer. She now admits that she "probably jumped the gun" in starting to date, but she insists that she really wants to try to keep dating.

Ok, she is still grieving...and is from what little I know progressing well. She is very open and honest about what she is feeling, how difficult this is etc. I have no problem being patient...supportive...caring...

I just don't want to foul it up and need any advice anyone can give...I don't want to be a "transition guy", a rebound date or the guy she fondly remembers later...I am crazy about her...

thanks for any advice, words of encouragement and prayers!!

 

[c1ners]

She will always love her husband. It's not like a divorce where the two of you agree to go your seperate ways. Her other half was just taken away from her. Taken right out of her life, and she didn't have one say so in the matter.

It sounds like you're doing a good job of allowing her to grieve. It's very important. And sometimes, even years down the road, something may trigger a memory of her late husband. Don't make her feel bad for remembering. Hold her as she cries. Laugh with her if she laughs.

Most of all, build your own memories. Make everyday special. She'll always love her late husband, but I'm sure there will be plenty of room for you in her heart as well.

Oh, one more thing. Please take things a little slower. She may act like she is ready right now, but inside she may not be ready. Just be there for her, and God Bless you.

 

[Danfrey]

A bit of advice from a widower that lost his wife in Aug. It is not going to be easy. During this time you have an opportunity to build an incredible relationship, but I am sure you will have trials. There is another man in her life that you really can't get jealous of. That may sound a little crazy, but I believe that is how it would be if I were dating. It is vitally important that you realize that she can love her deceased husband and you also. I am sure that it wouldn't be easy, but it is important that she feel comfortable talking about him to you. This is probably one of the areas that will make or break your relationship. I guess what I am saying is that it is going to be a lot of work. On the other hand, what decent relationship is not a lot of work. Better to date a widow coming from a stable healthy relationship than someone recently divorced coming from an unhealthy one.

Small Print
All of this advice is coming from a man who has chosen celebacy over dating again.

 

[faithopelove]

I would like to add this for your consideration as one who has been widowed and dated (but not until over a year after the death of my husband). I think it is so easy to move a man to the "friend zone" when he has helped you to grieve. I don't think it happens on purpose, I just think there is a line you have to be careful not to cross. I am praying that God's will be done as you both pursue His purpose for your lives.

 

[BeanMak]

And I found that the second year was harder for me than the first. I worked SO hard to be normal and to make everything OK the first year, that I didn't have time to grieve. The second year it hit me like a ton of bricks that it wasn't OK, and it wouldn't be normal for a while... take that for what it is worth

 

[Manna]

Got to agree with BeanMak. This second year has been harder than I thought it would be. I feel like I'm over the greatest part of the grief, as in I'm not sad all of the time (God gets the credit for that, obviously!), but the memories flood like crazy! Even worse than they did that first year...I think once the worst of the emotion is out of the way, your mind is clearer and able to bring up those fun (or, maybe not so fun) memories that you'd almost forgotten about.

 

[Deb456]

oops...sorry, I can't figure out how to delete this.
Forgive me.

 

[Deb456]

I don't know what is happening here but I ended up with three posts.
I need to learn how you "delete" here.
Sorry!

 

[Deb456]

Time is your best friend here.

Everyone is different but the pain of separation at first, is quite evident in the one "left behind."

As time goes on, the pain does not go away but it does become "different"....memories kick in and the ability to talk about your Loved One is sweetened with more smiles than tears although the tears can appear...out of the blue sometimes, when you least expect it.

She needs to feel comfortable in talking about her grief and you need to let her know that you are comfortable with her talking about him with no strings attached.

She may not be really ready to be more than friends and it's many a widow or widower who gets into situations where we feel the need to be touched and held and loved but it's a good friend that is needed more here than ever.

Now having said that...if you feel that she is dwelling too much on her former love, then you have to gently tell her that while you love her, maybe she isn't ready to have you in her life in the way that you would like and that you will be there as a friend. (If that's ok with you)

You also have to consider your feelings in this and be upfront and honest with her but in the same light, letting her find her way through this journey she is on.

Believe me.....give her "space." Then when she is ready to "move on," she will remember those who were patiently there for her as her friend.

Trust me!
Deb

 

[tns]

And I found that the second year was harder for me than the first. I worked SO hard to be normal and to make everything OK the first year, that I didn't have time to grieve. The second year it hit me like a ton of bricks that it wasn't OK, and it wouldn't be normal for a while... take that for what it is worth

I agree...this is my second year. My husband died at home on Oct 28, 2003. Lately, it has been really difficult. So many memories.........