not sure where to start

[braveornot]

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[bubblefish]

So sorry to hear about that Hun. It is definitely a hard thing to deal with but there are ways to slowly move through it and stop it affecting every aspect of your life. Is there anyone you can talk to about it at all? A counsellor, friend or family member? Having someone who knows and who you can rely on for support really can help you to begin healing. There are also a lot of online support communities and books that can help. They can be extremely challenging, but helpful as well. The best book I have found is probably 'Courage to Heal' by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. A lot of people recommend it.

Hun, don't give up It can get easier in time. And please feel free to keep posting here. You will receive a lot of support from some great people

Also, welcome to the forums

 

[braveornot]

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[braveornot]

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[bubblefish]

That is a great step to actually want to talk about it and deal with the issues it has caused. Is it possible to try and organise a counselling appointment? They know of the issues and can be extremely helpful and supportive with different techniques to help you manage and move through the trauma.

It is also good that you have tried to talk to your husband, even though he might not completely understand. It is hard for partners and friends but give him time. Is he trying to understand and just finding it difficult? If so, maybe look at the book 'Allies in Healing'. It has some good information for partners on what their spouse may be going through and ways in which they can support you through this process.

Don't give up You can do this.

 

[braveornot]

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[Bamboo_Chicken]

What you're describing with the nightmares and not feeling ready to be intimate with your husband - those are totally normal reactions after what you've gone through. Our bodies and minds are amazing in the ways they can protect us and this is your body's way of keeping itself safe (even though it can be painful). Like bubblefish said, counselling can be a great tool you can use to work through the different coping mechanisms to the point where you shouldn't be affected by them.

I really suggest your husband read "Allies in Healing" as well - I'm a partner and understand at least the basics of what my partner (survivor) must be going through has helped me both to give space and understanding when needed. If he's willing, it'd be a great book for him to read.

 

[braveornot]

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[braveornot]

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[braveornot]

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[braveornot]

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[Bamboo_Chicken]

where can i get this book "allies in healing"?

Some libraries have it, but if yours doesn't you can try to order it through your local bookshop or can always buy it online from sites such as Amazon or Ebay (I got mine from Ebay). Online is always good if you're looking for privacy .

Thanks for your reply BC. We have just started marriage couselling recently which is what has triggered my need to deal with these issues. Problem is alot of our marriage issues come back to the lack of intimacy we have and then back to me. We are having counselling in our church but i still dont know how i can deal with this stuff.

One of the incidents happened when i was a child and involved a woman and the other happened when i was older and involved a man. Is there some problem with me that has attracted this kind of thing to happen? I completely shut off when approached for sex. And always feel absolute despair after anything sexual. Also I tend to then feel guilty and shameful. What is going on with me?

Hun, if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that there's nothing wrong with you . What happened was not your fault - you were taken advantage of and hurt, but none of that is you're fault. I don't know what rationale someone might use to hurt another being, but it has everything to do with what is wrong with them, not you . It's no wonder that sex is hard after all you've survived and it's going to take time and more effort and tears than I understand to work through what happened (survivors are, in my opinion, the bravest people I've ever met). I understand that your husband might be frustrated with a lack of sexual intimacy, but he's also your partner in this. That's why I think it would be really helpful for him to read through Allies in Healing and, if you're willing, you might like to think about printing off the Letter to Secondary Survivors that is stickied in this forum. It explains better than anything else I've come across how a survivors might be feeling to another who has not experienced something similar.

 

[braveornot]

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[braveornot]

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[icarusforde]

Hey there Braveornot,

No, the child is certainly not to blame. However, the teenager is also not to blame. trust me, i know, speaking from a teenage perspective, we, i, do stupid things. Proverbial truckloads of hormones, all sorts of things rushing around, pressures from friends - it all combines to take a situation out of control very fast.

Really, honestly, and forgive me if i'm being rather blunt here (its quite late at night where i am), whats done is done. You cant change your past, and the thing is, you have that testimony that you can tell now and bring others to God with it. Its a pretty amazing testimony - even if you dont think its that amazing, it means something to someone, no matter how small it seems.

What you could have done - we all do this at one point or other. Im not saying i have been in the same situation as you, but i have been in similar - when we look back at things and go 'why didnt we do this, or that'. The thing is, we just have to hand it over to God and say 'Thank you for holding me through all this stuff God, cause i couldnt have done it on my own'.

Hope i was of some help.

 

[pennsyginny]

Intimacy can be very difficult for survivors even after counseling but I think you should seek counseling and if the first one isn't a good fit, find another. Courage to Heal is good. One of the best resources in my life has been T.D. Jakes nonfiction book Woman Thou Art Loosed (not to confused with the fiction) and his study Bible Woman Thou Art Loosed. He has tremendous insight into sexual abuse and uses God's word in such a blessed way to help heal. It is a long road but it is one that can get better. You have already proven you are strong. Keep going!

 

[bubblefish]

Thanks for the link to that letter BC. i will print it off. You know i can understand that a small child is easily overpowered and can be forced against his/her will to do horrible things. So that child is certainly not to blame. But what about if a person is old enough ( a teenager) to make decisions, has been warned about a particular person and then willingly goes somewhere with that person and bad stuff happens?
i cant help feeling that i could have avoided what happened had i not been so stupid...especially after already experiencing some things as a child. So i should have seen the signs? I should have fought back? i go over in my mind what i could have done...

Hun, even as a teenager you are not at fault. No-one deserves to be hurt like that, no matter their age or the situation they find themselves. No-one should ever do something to you that you don't want to happen.

Hun, we all go through stages of thinking 'what if' and that is completely normal, but no matter the circumstances you have done nothing wrong We all make little mistakes, especially as teenagers but that doesn't give anyone the right to hurt us because of it.

Please try to be gentle with yourself

 

[braveornot]

Intimacy can be very difficult for survivors even after counseling but I think you should seek counseling and if the first one isn't a good fit, find another. Courage to Heal is good. One of the best resources in my life has been T.D. Jakes nonfiction book Woman Thou Art Loosed (not to confused with the fiction) and his study Bible Woman Thou Art Loosed. He has tremendous insight into sexual abuse and uses God's word in such a blessed way to help heal. It is a long road but it is one that can get better. You have already proven you are strong. Keep going!

Where can i access this book in Australia?

 

[braveornot]

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[bubblefish]

I think it would be a really good idea if you can organise it Especially if you can see a professional who works specifically in Assault and abuse counselling. They can be extremely helpful.

And Hun, everything you are feeling and going through is a completely normal reaction You are definitely not alone.