Not sure where to start...

[nvrbnunloved]

or even if this is the right place to post this. I wasn't raped, or abused as a child, but I have been told that what I underwent was a sustained sexual assault.

When I was a child of about 13, we lived out in the countryside, and I had to travel to school on the schoolbus every day. There was a period (I can't remember how long now- it was several months at least) where I was assaulted by one of the older kids on the bus. This guy would have been about 15, I guess, big and strong - a lot stronger than me, anyway. He would pin me into my seat and try and force his hands into my blouse or up my skirt, while forcing me to put my hand in his crotch. There was always a struggle, I always tried to make him stop,but he was very strong, and very determined. I hated every minute of it, and knew it was wrong and that he shouldn't be doing what he was doing.

What I don't get, what I have never been able to understand, is why I continued sitting next to the guy. Why did I never report what he was doing? Why did I downplay what was going on in my mind? Why did I think he actually liked me?? Why have I never told anyone about this (until now, when I have discussed it at length and in greater detail with my partner)? I have always felt it was my own fault for sitting next to him, my own fault for never telling anyone. Or that there was something bad and dirty in me that made me carry on sitting next to him. I have had it suggested that perhaps I had a childhood with very little physical affection, or affection of any sort, that this sort of negative attention was better than none at all, but I don't know. The thing is that it has scarred me, and left me with huge issues surrounding love-making - indeed it has turned love-making from something natural, God-given and wonderful, in my eyes, to something dirty, horrible, and only about men seeking to have their needs fulfilled -nothing more. And I can't break out of that mindset.

I have always downplayed this whole chapter in my life, it is my partner who has opened my eyes to the fact that it was serious, it was sustained, and it was not my fault.

I apologise profusely to those of you who have been victims of far more serious assaults, I feel almost ashamed to be posting in the same forum as some of you, knowing that what you went through was off the scale compared to what I endured. But I hope you will not dismiss me offhand anyway.

Andy (my partner) has been wonderful and completely supportive in trying to help me work through some of the issues this has left me with, but to be honest, there is a lot neither of us understands about how this affected me, or where I go from here.

 

[Andy Broadley]

 

[InTheCloud]

Any rape is bad. Being raped by a relative, by a friend or by a stranger is very hurtfull. Nvrbnunloved, you belong here.

I used to work with law enforcement and know that. Maybe other women that have been througth that will help you.

 

[Bianca01]

Hi Nvrbnunloved,

I am so sorry that no one protected you from this. Where was the bus driver in all of this? It is not your fault.

I don't want to put words in your mouth, but, my guess is you didn't know what this boy would do if you told. And having sat next to him for so long, others may question why you moved? At that point you may have told. And, again, what would he do IF you told? That is enough right there in my mind to keep you sitting right next to him.

So don't blame yourself. You were just a little girl. You were just a child.

Take care.

 

[brothersean]

It is very important that you continue to reach out for the support of your brothers and sisters in Christ. At least now you are progressing and working towards your healing, and in faith, I know that all things can be done. I am so proud of you, because you are going to make it!
Hallelujah!

 

[LovingtheLord247]

I fully agree with brothersean. You need to keep looking for support from other Christians.
What this guy did was rape IMO. He may not have gone as far as intercourse, but if you had been in another situation, say in the woods alone, I feel he would have.
I want to thank you for sharing your story. God did not "let" these events happen in your life. But how about turning it around ang gloify God from it? You could help other young girls that are unsure of their similar experiences cope and find comfort in Christ.
After all, we are here to serve Him and spread His Word.
Please remember that no matter how much you put yourself down for this, that God made you..He knows the number of hairs on your head. You ARE a beautiful person. Don't let that guy from back then take that away from you an longer.
(((Huggs)))

 

[nvrbnunloved]

Thank you all so much for these replies - your compassion and advice have touched me deeply, and is all much appreciated.

I am continuing to work through and pray through all of this with my partner, and I know we would both appreciate your prayers as we tackle this together.

God bless

 

[LillyDoll419]

It's amazing how something that happens when we are a child can mold some of out opinions later in life, isn't it? If someone touches you in a way you don't want them to, that is assault.
Sometimes at such a tender age, the known can feel safer than the unknown, so we downplay what is happening to us and decide not to tell anyone.
Right now there are two very important resources you have in your life that you should take full advantage of... God, and your partner Andy.
The best thing you could do is to realize that your story belongs here just as much as anyones. You are an important loved child of God, who was hurt deeply. If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to pm me, k?

 

[restore]

Dear sister, the reason u did not fight him back cuz he offered some intimacy, and the "wrong intimacy"finally destroyed our minds about the "most beautiful gift"which offered by God our designer........but sister, do u know Jesus is now working on u, and soon He will set u free , He will offer you a new mind, new spirit, new sense, u will start to feel a new feeling of sex and everything?
only He can and He will do the great job for u, cuz of His amazing love!
amen and amen!

 

[Johnnz]

Many people in abusive situations become powerless. Then they end up blaming themselves. You need to break that cycle. He should never have put you in that situation. That was not your fault.

John
NZ

 

[nvrbnunloved]

Thank you for these replies Each and every one has given me hope, something new to think over, and a new perspective on what happened to me. Thank you all

God bless

 

[shazabella]

Hey nvrbnunloved,

First of all i am so sorry this happened to you i pray that God will heal you and use your experience to minister to others.

We have a habit of downplaying / minimising our experiences because it wasn't "big" enough ... it has nothing to do with who's experience was bigger / badder or more traumatic - this is your healing from your experience, whether it lasted a minute and hr or was sustained for years upon years it matters and it was still a violation of who you are and you have the right to heal from it.

Please do not blame yourself for what that boy did.

Maybe look at seeing a counsellor or seeking some form of support especially designed to help you and your husband cope with this.

- Shaz

or even if this is the right place to post this. I wasn't raped, or abused as a child, but I have been told that what I underwent was a sustained sexual assault.

When I was a child of about 13, we lived out in the countryside, and I had to travel to school on the schoolbus every day. There was a period (I can't remember how long now- it was several months at least) where I was assaulted by one of the older kids on the bus. This guy would have been about 15, I guess, big and strong - a lot stronger than me, anyway. He would pin me into my seat and try and force his hands into my blouse or up my skirt, while forcing me to put my hand in his crotch. There was always a struggle, I always tried to make him stop,but he was very strong, and very determined. I hated every minute of it, and knew it was wrong and that he shouldn't be doing what he was doing.

What I don't get, what I have never been able to understand, is why I continued sitting next to the guy. Why did I never report what he was doing? Why did I downplay what was going on in my mind? Why did I think he actually liked me?? Why have I never told anyone about this (until now, when I have discussed it at length and in greater detail with my partner)? I have always felt it was my own fault for sitting next to him, my own fault for never telling anyone. Or that there was something bad and dirty in me that made me carry on sitting next to him. I have had it suggested that perhaps I had a childhood with very little physical affection, or affection of any sort, that this sort of negative attention was better than none at all, but I don't know. The thing is that it has scarred me, and left me with huge issues surrounding love-making - indeed it has turned love-making from something natural, God-given and wonderful, in my eyes, to something dirty, horrible, and only about men seeking to have their needs fulfilled -nothing more. And I can't break out of that mindset.

I have always downplayed this whole chapter in my life, it is my partner who has opened my eyes to the fact that it was serious, it was sustained, and it was not my fault.

I apologise profusely to those of you who have been victims of far more serious assaults, I feel almost ashamed to be posting in the same forum as some of you, knowing that what you went through was off the scale compared to what I endured. But I hope you will not dismiss me offhand anyway.

Andy (my partner) has been wonderful and completely supportive in trying to help me work through some of the issues this has left me with, but to be honest, there is a lot neither of us understands about how this affected me, or where I go from here.

 

[hairettic]

 

[Nobility]

We have a habit of downplaying / minimising our experiences because it wasn't "big" enough ... it has nothing to do with who's experience was bigger / badder or more traumatic - this is your healing from your experience, whether it lasted a minute and hr or was sustained for years upon years it matters and it was still a violation of who you are and you have the right to heal from it.

Please do not blame yourself for what that boy did.

Maybe look at seeing a counsellor or seeking some form of support especially designed to help you and your husband cope with this.

I completely agree hun.. i went through a similar thing (only once by a foster brother as a 6 yo) but it still was painful to deal with. I really do recommend getting a counsellor... They understand that even though you aren't young anymore it's still hard and raw emotion.