not sure what to think

[never4now]

I'm looking for some suggestions, advice on a few things. I have told very few people about these things but the counselor I did tell said that this was abuse. I don't like to call it that, I don't really know what to think. I guess some of my reluctance is because family members have constantly accused me of being over sensitive and making a big deal out of nothing. But these things still really bother me, I still cry about it. I don't know why I have such an intense emotional reaction to it. I am not emotional in general, I'm hard to read b/c I keep everything to myself, I keep all people at a distance. I don't usually even talk about this with family members but when I say anything its quickly dismissed or told they don't want to talk about this. Forget it, its not a big deal. Basically I got spanked a lot as a kid. It was usually for acting up but often it was for fighting with my siblings. The only issue I had with this is i was almost always the only child disciplined regardless of the circumstances. I often felt like i was punished unfairly. From the time I was about 6 my mom would whip me with dowel rods and I never forgot the first time she brought home an extra thick rod and told me it was just for me because I was such a rebellious bad child. It left huge bruises all over my legs and I couldn't wear shorts. She asked me one time what the bruises were from and I didn't know what to say. How could she not know? I learned how to hold all my emotions in but usually during the beatings I would at some point start screaming that I hated her. It didn't seem to bother her. She used a bunch of other things too like a broom. My dad would lose his temper at times too and myself and one of my brothers were usually the target of it. I never got hurt badly so I guess thats why I don't really know if its abuse or just me being over sensitive. As I got older it hurt more emotionally than physically when my dad used to smack me in the face. I also had a knife pulled on me at one point.
My mom is the one I still really resent I think. She used to put me down, humiliate me, join in with my siblings tearing me down verbally, call me fat and make remarks about my weight and what I was eating, and I think she wonders today why we don't really have a relationship. She also was never affectionate, no I love yous or hugs from the time we turned 5 or 6. I know compared to so many people I've really gone through nothing and my parents have always told us how good we have it. I realize that and I feel guilty to even say anything bad about it. I have a hard time reconciling in my mind how my parents can be such good parents with a solid marriage yet I turned out so screwed up emotionally.

 

[spazlegs]

Oh, yeah, big time abuse. Stay with this counselor, he/she seems really smart. You may also have PTSD, which EMDR is supposed to help. You can google to get a good explanation for it.

If these people never own up to their actions, then you may have to consider giving them up. And if they continue in their abuse, verbally that is, I would definitely consider cutting them off. If it is physical, call the cops and prosecute them. If it is physical still, then I would consider them to be less than worthy of protection and only worthy of contempt and avoidance.

I can't back it up with scripture right now, but I think you should hold yourself away from them so that you can heal.

And if they were like that, you may need to go to God and ask Him to be your Daddy and ask Him for healing.

 

[LaBarre]

Hi never4now.

I almost wasn't going to reply to this, because sometimes people ask this question hoping to find out that they were NOT abused.

And sometimes they ask, hoping they'll find out that they were abused, which would mean that they were not the bad guy, that the way they were treated was fair.

From the words you've used, my impression is that you do have some inkling that your parents treatment of you was wrong. You said that while your legs were covered in huge bruises from your mother hitting you with an object, that you didn't understand how she could not realize that she put them there.

So I'm going to take the plunge, and tell you that I think you were definitely abused. And not slightly abused. Just from what little you wrote, that's actually a lot of abuse.

As for this idea of being oversensitive....throw that right out the window. Being smacked in the face, beaten with objects, humiliated, and insulted hurts everyone.

When we're kids, are brains are not fully developed, and there are abilities and concepts that we just don't have. Our perceptions can be incomplete. And parents are powerful. They provide the house and food and know how to pay bills, drive cars, and have authority. It's very easy for a developing child to not understand when they are not being treated properly.

And it's very easy for that child to think, "Hey, since I get spanked, beaten, smacked, and humiliated, I must be doing something wrong. Maybe I'm oversensitive. Maybe I'm bad. What's wrong with me?"

It took my counselor about 18 months to get me to realize that my parent wasn't supposed to beat my head on the floor, and isn't supposed to tell me that I deserved to be raped...and then give details of that rape.

You were abused. Physically, emotionally, and I would even add neglect in there because one parent did not protect you from the other. And you needed a lot of protecting. But they didn't give it to you. They not only failed you, but betrayed you. Your parents had no understanding of child rearing, or positive parenting skills.

Need more proof? Call a police station, or child protective agency and ask them what child abuse is. It can be done anonysmously. Ask what would happen if a person pulled a knife on a child?

Look at some parenting books. Look for a chapter that says to beat your child with a broom, and leave bruises on their body, to beat them until they scream. Then insult and humiliate them. Use their siblings to punish them.
And definitely find the chapter that says to blame the child for all of the parents shortcomings, and for not having a healthy adult relationship with the parents who chose to damage their body and spirit for years.

By the way, when I was walking on a trail in a park with a friend, and a jogger came from behind, grabbed my shoulders and firmly forced me off the path, an off duty police officer said I could have him arrested for assault.

What do you think the law calls it when a parent pulls a knife on a child?

Your parents could, and should have been arrested a hundred times over.

You deserved better. Children are to be nurtured, protected, and loved. Discipline is to teach, not harm. They screwed up.

Now, please explain to me where this idea of your parents being good parents came from? Oh, that's right. They TOLD you they were good parents.

Again, check out a few parenting books. See how the experts think children should be raised.

I hope you will continue with counseling. I would love for you to find out the truth.

LaBarre

 

[mjmcmillan]

It's abuse. Just reading this, I don't even have to think twice about it.

I was spanked as a child when I did wrong, that's one thing. Being beaten until you can't show where you were hit, being told how "worthless" you were and having knives pulled on you is quite another thing. That's criminal abuse these days, probably back then too.

The counselor you mentioned knows the score on this from what you've written, so that's a start in the right direction.

 

[RuthD]

I'm sorry they all did this to you. They were totally wrong and are not good parents to you. They seemed to use you as a scapegoat for their hostilities. I hope you are never again treated in any bad way. You deserve good and always have. You got a bum deal from your parents. I am praying for you to have a good life now.

 

[white dove]

I don't have much more to add from what everyone else said, except that in time, you can heal from this. I feel for you because right now, you don't have much closure. Perhaps, by cutting them out of your life can help you with that, maybe through continued counseling and prayer.

I can tell you, it may take time, but you will heal from all this. The emotional, mental and/or physical scars will be there a long time, perhaps indefinitely, but to be able to see them for what they really are (as unfortunate remnants of the inappropriate, abusive and destructive behavior you were subjected to) and to have a separation-of-sorts where you know that nothing you said nor did at that time warranted such abuse can help you move on, emotionally and mentally.

It can be a continued struggle though, especially if these people remain in your life. For me, moving on included forgiving the person (for me, was aided by the fact that this person realized their errors in judgment and asked me for that forgiveness) and knowing that that person really didn't see what they did was wrong at the time (that person having been subjected to abuse, as well). They never truly moved on nor healed. It can be a cycle if you don't stop it. That's another reason why it is important to find healing, not only for personal reasons but to ensure that subconsciously, there aren't a few straggling thoughts that maybe this kind of behavior is okay.


May you find comfort in God, in His word, through counseling and the encouragement here and in your everyday life.

 

[never4now]

Thank you to all who responded. I really am still struggling with calling it abuse. I just can't get my mind around that. To me, abuse it parents who are like that all the time non stop and its usually for no reason. For my it was mostly when I misbehaved and I deserved it. Although my mom was never really affectionate my dad did alot of things with us when we were younger like taking us out and spending time with us. All of my siblings feel more like dad loves us than mom. I love and respect my dad and I think he made mistakes but he has sacrificed so much for us. He works so hard to support us. I don't believe that we ever should have been taken out of the home. If I thought it was that bad I would be getting my younger siblings out. I think parents can make mistakes but it does not always mean that there should be charges pressed. I think we definitely had a better life at home than we would of had we been taken out or some other action taken.

That being said, I believe my parents don't want to ask for help from the church or anyone really even though they are overwhelmed and can't handle things. I think that is a mistake on their part. I believe in this situation it would have been best if people in the church could have come alongside them and counseled them on how to handle things. My mom DEFINITELY needs counseling and therapy for issues far beyond what I even know. I've suggested it before as something we could do together and she flatly refuses. Anyways, I just don't think I had it as bad as a lot of people have. My family was stable (not as much anymore) there was no alcohol and no drug abuse by either parent. There were hard times just like in any family but there were a few good times too. So I hope that clarifies things more. I wanted to talk about some of the good things too so people wouldnt just think negatively about my parents. Thanks for all the advice and input.

 

[willowoak]

Of course there were good times but I agree with the others that the discipline you received was abusive. It can be hard to come to terms with having been abused. I still struggle with that myself. The part I disagree with is where you say you deserved it for misbehaving. You did not deserve it at all.

I agree that these situations are best handled by someone coming alongside the family and helping them work through the difficulties as a first resort. I also agree that, where possible, it is ideal to keep children with their families. This is not always possible though.

I wonder if it might help you to write down the memories you have of the good times you had with your parents and the positive memories? Then if you feel down you could go back and read it.

 

[never4now]

White Dove,
In reference to what you said about forgiveness...my father often felt bad after losing his temper and would come apoligize to me afterwards. My mother never did once. I respect my father a lot for that and I have no trouble forgiving him.
Also in regards to this becoming a cycle, I have already seen that behavior in one of my brothers in particular although he takes it a step furthur and seems to think its ok to hit girls (my dad NEVER hit my mom). I have often worried about that myself but I have worked with kids for the past ten years as a nanny, babysitter, ect. This experience helped me learn a ton of other techniques to change a child's bad behavior or give effective consequences without any physical discipline whatsoever. This has been so helpful that I have decided I probably won't ever spank my kids but of course still have discipline using other methods such as time out and loss of priveldges. I try to keep things positive because kids respond to that ALOT better than negative. (The one word you could use to describe my mom-negative.)

However I still do worry that I might lose my temper with my kids some day and hit them. But I have never done that with any of the kids I worked with so I know it is possible NOT to. I try to think of ways to provide an open safe non threatening environment for kids so they feel free to express themselves and mature in self confidence and emotionally. I think that is very important.

 

[white dove]

Thank you to all who responded. I really am still struggling with calling it abuse. I just can't get my mind around that. To me, abuse it parents who are like that all the time non stop and its usually for no reason. For my it was mostly when I misbehaved and I deserved it. Although my mom was never really affectionate my dad did alot of things with us when we were younger like taking us out and spending time with us. All of my siblings feel more like dad loves us than mom. I love and respect my dad and I think he made mistakes but he has sacrificed so much for us. He works so hard to support us. I don't believe that we ever should have been taken out of the home. If I thought it was that bad I would be getting my younger siblings out. I think parents can make mistakes but it does not always mean that there should be charges pressed. I think we definitely had a better life at home than we would of had we been taken out or some other action taken.

That being said, I believe my parents don't want to ask for help from the church or anyone really even though they are overwhelmed and can't handle things. I think that is a mistake on their part. I believe in this situation it would have been best if people in the church could have come alongside them and counseled them on how to handle things. My mom DEFINITELY needs counseling and therapy for issues far beyond what I even know. I've suggested it before as something we could do together and she flatly refuses. Anyways, I just don't think I had it as bad as a lot of people have. My family was stable (not as much anymore) there was no alcohol and no drug abuse by either parent. There were hard times just like in any family but there were a few good times too. So I hope that clarifies things more. I wanted to talk about some of the good things too so people wouldnt just think negatively about my parents. Thanks for all the advice and input.

Please know that I understand where you're coming from. I don't, for one moment, think that you never had good moments with your family. I had wonderful moments as a child, too... but that doesn't take away from the things we must deal with and heal from. I know what you're saying about the way your parents chose to scold you for doing something wrong. But if you think about it, if your parents had chosen to, say, lock you in a cold basement for 2 days straight, refused you food for a day or burned you with a cigarette... none of those things are okay. It doesn't matter if you talked-back, refused to do your chores or prank called your grandma. There must be a line somewhere. Even if you did something that warranted discipline, nothing you've done warranted the kind of discipline you got from them. You had a knife pulled on you. Again, nothing could possibly make that okay. It's okay to admit these things to yourself, to be honest with yourself about what happened. You need to do that first. Then, confront it with the help of others. Talk to God about it and allow Him to work it out in you. He will. But, you need to be open to the, at times, uncomfortable truth. That doesn't take away from the good times you had as a child, either. People make mistakes. But, to continue relationships with these people means confronting these things and letting them know that this was not okay.

 

[white dove]

White Dove,
In reference to what you said about forgiveness...my father often felt bad after losing his temper and would come apoligize to me afterwards. My mother never did once. I respect my father a lot for that and I have no trouble forgiving him.
Also in regards to this becoming a cycle, I have already seen that behavior in one of my brothers in particular although he takes it a step furthur and seems to think its ok to hit girls (my dad NEVER hit my mom). I have often worried about that myself but I have worked with kids for the past ten years as a nanny, babysitter, ect. This experience helped me learn a ton of other techniques to change a child's bad behavior or give effective consequences without any physical discipline whatsoever. This has been so helpful that I have decided I probably won't ever spank my kids but of course still have discipline using other methods such as time out and loss of priveldges. I try to keep things positive because kids respond to that ALOT better than negative. (The one word you could use to describe my mom-negative.)

However I still do worry that I might lose my temper with my kids some day and hit them. But I have never done that with any of the kids I worked with so I know it is possible NOT to. I try to think of ways to provide an open safe non threatening environment for kids so they feel free to express themselves and mature in self confidence and emotionally. I think that is very important.

That is important and I'm glad I clicked on here to find this post (somehow I think I missed it last time). I've seen this to be true with my own experiences, as well. I think it's great - and a true blessing/miracle - when people who have been abused in whatever way can look at it objectively and say, "This makes no sense. There's got to be a better way." That's great.


I'm glad you've forgiven your father, as well. Even though your mother has not and may never ask you for forgiveness, I can tell you it is crucial to - as difficult as that will be. I'm going through this right now with someone else in my life who recently hurt me and it is the type of situation where I know this person will not bend and ask for forgiveness. But, I know that I will not be able to move on (emotionally and otherwise) in my life if I don't. Forgiveness is also for the sake of the person who is forgiving the other. It has little to nothing to do with the other person in cases where the person doesn't ask to be forgiven. If you're a Christian or another type of believer, you probably know the value of forgiveness on a spiritual level. At its core, it is "simply" a matter of letting go. Pray that God give you the strength to let go, even when you don't think you can.



I wish you all the best.