Hi guys,
This will be sort of a hard message for me to write, but I am not sure what else to do. I am kind of falling into the deepest depression ever here. Well, I have had clinical depression for most of my life but since I got on medication about 2 years ago things have been fantastic depression wise. The depression I am speaking out is purely situational.
My wife and I have been together for about 8 years now. Like all other couples that start off well, we were great together. Were intimate often, etc.
Not long after we got together, maybe a year, the intimacy almost completely died down. Virtually from her lack of wanting it. Perhaps lower libido or whatever you call it, I do not know. From that point on, we were intimate on average 6-8 times per year, if that some years.
After a while (it didn't take long) rather than cheat at the time, I fell in to pornography. at first it wasn't that often - once or twice a week to fend off the "wolves" but as with any drug, I became physically and mentally addicted to it.
This led to nearly 7 of the past years with me being intensely addicted to pornography, gradually going worse and worse into the stuff I was watching and the amount of time spent each day viewing it. Even leading to numerous times per day.
I was always kind of Christian-Ish but looking back, I was certainly not saved with fruits of the spirit showing in my life.
Now before recently becoming saved, I want to make clear that many, many times throughout the relationship I made attempts towards physical intimacy. No real success.
Now, I will burden my share of the shoulder weight here. In the first two or three years, I was not there for her very much emotionally providing for her emotional needs, I never really realized the difference between men and women.
We went through the whole me threatening to get it elsewhere, her not seeming to care much sort of thing (thinking it was an idle threat)
Well, I came to find out one day she was having an online affair. nothing physical, just satisfying her "emotional" needs I am assuming. Things did not go well, we almost ended things. In fact we semi did for about a week. But then I forgave her and realized I was at least 50% at fault. It was a long hard road to trusting again but we got back to the comfort level we were before within a year or two.
All along, the intimacy level remained about the same. I have raised the issue of therapy, going to see a doctor to see if there is anything wrong with her physically or emotionally, etc.
I have given a legitimate effort in the past 365 days to be there to fulfil her emotional needs and desires. She has even admitted to me that she is in a place of emotional happiness and connectivity, yet she still has basically no desire for physical intimacy. I feel as though we are best friends or roomies. She gets all the emotional satisfaction she needs now, but I am not getting the physical completion I need as a man that is the glue for me as a man to making the marriage intimate.
I would like to note before I proceed that about 6 and a half months ago, my wife pressured me into having sex with her just so she could get pregnant. I do not know why I gave in to that demand, but she did get pregnant after only 2 or 3 tries. It seems the only time she is interested in sex is when it will benefit her in some way or advancing something she wants to do. I know I am making her sound evil, she is not, she is mostly a nice person.
About 4 months ago I was saved by the power of the Holy Spirit and God, and immediately gave up any and all forms of pornography and self stimulation or gratification. in that past 4 months (she has been pregnant the entire time) she has "gratified" me perhaps a total of 5 times, all of which were just with her hand manually in such a manner that made it difficult to even want to be in the act because she was so seemingly not even interested in what she was doing.
I understand I shoulder at least some of the burden from the past. But I have made substantial changes in my lifestyle in the past 1 year (connecting with her emotionally much longer ago than being saved) but she just does not seem to want to fix things.
I might add - she actually wanted to consider divorce briefly when I got saved because she is atheist and I am now hardcore christian and she was so sad it would affect all the wordly things we could do together like listen to Eminem or go to "R" rated movies all of those things I have given up for Christ.
I guess my question boils down to this: What is acceptable. I want to be like Hosea and love my wife regardless of what she does to me, just like God loves Israel no matter what they do to Him because He hates divorce. I don't want to be all about me and selfish. But I truely feel as though I am being set up to fall into the temptation of adultery sooner rather than later. With my having given up on pornography and self gratification 100% the only intimacy I am now relying on is the once or twice per month she seems to be willing to give me.
I am trying not to be selfish but why or how is it fair that I am fulfiling her emotional needs and she is not making any effort to fulfil mine, when I have made this issue known to her over 8 years in excess of 20 times including recently this year. And trust me, I've made the severity of the issue known. She doesn't see overly interested in counseling, or even fixing the issue at hand.
I feel like I am stuck because divorce in the bible seems to only be for cases of adultery. While she did technically commit adultery years ago with the guy online, I can not use that against her now because I forgave her at the time. And divorce is truely the last thing that I want, I am actually a man that wants to be fully committed to his wife in a loving intimate relationship, and she just seems like she could care less so long as she gets her cuddle time, hugs and kisses and meaningful conversations.
I have searched the scriptures and I am pretty confident that the answer is likely that even if she continues refusing, that divorce is not an option regardless of how unhappy I am. Because ultimately the bible doesn't seem to view marriage as a place of satisfaction or gratification so much as it does a place of pure commitment representative of the commitment between Jesus and Mankind.
I only write this because today I realized just how unhappy I was. I am a photographer, and started training a new assistant at my business that I own she is my age and while I of course was physically attracted I did manage to beat down every wayward thought that was presented to me in my mind and keep it professional. But I realized sadly - that I had more fun with this strange woman and more connection and satisfaction in 45 minutes of walking around outside shooting things and having fun then I have with my wife in the past several years. (i might add that regardless of the situation - this woman is married and I would never covet another mans wife however, I do feel I am just being set up to fail with some other single woman along the way if even only just in my thought life)
Thoughts, Suggestions, Comments or Insights are all not only welcome, but desperately needed.
This will be sort of a hard message for me to write, but I am not sure what else to do. I am kind of falling into the deepest depression ever here. Well, I have had clinical depression for most of my life but since I got on medication about 2 years ago things have been fantastic depression wise. The depression I am speaking out is purely situational.
My wife and I have been together for about 8 years now. Like all other couples that start off well, we were great together. Were intimate often, etc.
Not long after we got together, maybe a year, the intimacy almost completely died down. Virtually from her lack of wanting it. Perhaps lower libido or whatever you call it, I do not know. From that point on, we were intimate on average 6-8 times per year, if that some years.
After a while (it didn't take long) rather than cheat at the time, I fell in to pornography. at first it wasn't that often - once or twice a week to fend off the "wolves" but as with any drug, I became physically and mentally addicted to it.
This led to nearly 7 of the past years with me being intensely addicted to pornography, gradually going worse and worse into the stuff I was watching and the amount of time spent each day viewing it. Even leading to numerous times per day.
I was always kind of Christian-Ish but looking back, I was certainly not saved with fruits of the spirit showing in my life.
Now before recently becoming saved, I want to make clear that many, many times throughout the relationship I made attempts towards physical intimacy. No real success.
Now, I will burden my share of the shoulder weight here. In the first two or three years, I was not there for her very much emotionally providing for her emotional needs, I never really realized the difference between men and women.
We went through the whole me threatening to get it elsewhere, her not seeming to care much sort of thing (thinking it was an idle threat)
Well, I came to find out one day she was having an online affair. nothing physical, just satisfying her "emotional" needs I am assuming. Things did not go well, we almost ended things. In fact we semi did for about a week. But then I forgave her and realized I was at least 50% at fault. It was a long hard road to trusting again but we got back to the comfort level we were before within a year or two.
All along, the intimacy level remained about the same. I have raised the issue of therapy, going to see a doctor to see if there is anything wrong with her physically or emotionally, etc.
I have given a legitimate effort in the past 365 days to be there to fulfil her emotional needs and desires. She has even admitted to me that she is in a place of emotional happiness and connectivity, yet she still has basically no desire for physical intimacy. I feel as though we are best friends or roomies. She gets all the emotional satisfaction she needs now, but I am not getting the physical completion I need as a man that is the glue for me as a man to making the marriage intimate.
I would like to note before I proceed that about 6 and a half months ago, my wife pressured me into having sex with her just so she could get pregnant. I do not know why I gave in to that demand, but she did get pregnant after only 2 or 3 tries. It seems the only time she is interested in sex is when it will benefit her in some way or advancing something she wants to do. I know I am making her sound evil, she is not, she is mostly a nice person.
About 4 months ago I was saved by the power of the Holy Spirit and God, and immediately gave up any and all forms of pornography and self stimulation or gratification. in that past 4 months (she has been pregnant the entire time) she has "gratified" me perhaps a total of 5 times, all of which were just with her hand manually in such a manner that made it difficult to even want to be in the act because she was so seemingly not even interested in what she was doing.
I understand I shoulder at least some of the burden from the past. But I have made substantial changes in my lifestyle in the past 1 year (connecting with her emotionally much longer ago than being saved) but she just does not seem to want to fix things.
I might add - she actually wanted to consider divorce briefly when I got saved because she is atheist and I am now hardcore christian and she was so sad it would affect all the wordly things we could do together like listen to Eminem or go to "R" rated movies all of those things I have given up for Christ.
I guess my question boils down to this: What is acceptable. I want to be like Hosea and love my wife regardless of what she does to me, just like God loves Israel no matter what they do to Him because He hates divorce. I don't want to be all about me and selfish. But I truely feel as though I am being set up to fall into the temptation of adultery sooner rather than later. With my having given up on pornography and self gratification 100% the only intimacy I am now relying on is the once or twice per month she seems to be willing to give me.
I am trying not to be selfish but why or how is it fair that I am fulfiling her emotional needs and she is not making any effort to fulfil mine, when I have made this issue known to her over 8 years in excess of 20 times including recently this year. And trust me, I've made the severity of the issue known. She doesn't see overly interested in counseling, or even fixing the issue at hand.
I feel like I am stuck because divorce in the bible seems to only be for cases of adultery. While she did technically commit adultery years ago with the guy online, I can not use that against her now because I forgave her at the time. And divorce is truely the last thing that I want, I am actually a man that wants to be fully committed to his wife in a loving intimate relationship, and she just seems like she could care less so long as she gets her cuddle time, hugs and kisses and meaningful conversations.
I have searched the scriptures and I am pretty confident that the answer is likely that even if she continues refusing, that divorce is not an option regardless of how unhappy I am. Because ultimately the bible doesn't seem to view marriage as a place of satisfaction or gratification so much as it does a place of pure commitment representative of the commitment between Jesus and Mankind.
I only write this because today I realized just how unhappy I was. I am a photographer, and started training a new assistant at my business that I own she is my age and while I of course was physically attracted I did manage to beat down every wayward thought that was presented to me in my mind and keep it professional. But I realized sadly - that I had more fun with this strange woman and more connection and satisfaction in 45 minutes of walking around outside shooting things and having fun then I have with my wife in the past several years. (i might add that regardless of the situation - this woman is married and I would never covet another mans wife however, I do feel I am just being set up to fail with some other single woman along the way if even only just in my thought life)
Thoughts, Suggestions, Comments or Insights are all not only welcome, but desperately needed.
