Not Remembering the Past

[calledchuck]

I remember VERY little about my chiclhood. Maybe just a couple random clips here and there but hardly anything. I don't remember hardly any of my middle school years or 9th grade... I pretty much only remember the past couple year. I think thats because i've been thru a bunch of really emotional things in these past 2 or 3 years. I got sent to a mental hospital for cutting and burning myself and all (when my dad found out I was cutting, he told me I was a selfish brat who only wanted attention). My mom kicked me and my dad out of the house in the middle of the winter (she was filing for a divorce). I've had 7 friends died of different things... So ive had a hard few years...

My parent were (and still are) very bad porn addicts. I have always been a "tomboy" and never like physical touch, like hugs and such, but I never knew why. My dad had alot of anger problems and he hit me a few times but mostly me just make me feel like crap all the time. I acted like I was just a worthless piece of trash. i've never had any "flashbacks". I have had a few dreams about being raped and/or assalted but they are very vaige. Its more or less the emotional feelings.

I did just remember a few days ago that 2 or so years ago, my ex boyfriend sexually assaulted me. He didn't rape me because a bunch of our friends were just a few rooms over. Well, i just it was assault... I kinda asked for it by leading him on. Then again, I didn't know what i was doing was wrong. I was VERY nieve about sexual stuff. Even at 15... He knew that and I think he knew what he was doing was wrong...

I just don't know. I don't want to think the wrong thing, but its just these feelings i have... what do ya'll think? Please help. I'm so confused.

-Chuck (my names Chelsey, but everyone calls me Chuck. I was Tubachick on CF a few yrs ago, but i was having some problems with my account so here i am again... as calledchuck)

 

[odeminkwe]

I don't know either, hon. I am sorry you are hurting, though. When I was 16, I was raped. He was my boyfriend, we were drinking, I didn't really fight back (I was too drunk to really move), and I buried the memories. When I was 20, I sobered up and began to remember and to start to process what had happened to me. I wasn't sure if it was rape. I was sure I deserved it. I had very little self worth. Hurt was the only thing I understood. I knew how to be hurt and I knew how to hurt others. After I sobered up and faced what happened, I started to heal. I'm not there yet, but I am starting to heal, to let go.
If something feels wrong, seek help. Here is a place to start, but consider talking to a counselor or someone at church. You need help to get through this. If you want to talk, feel free to pm me.
I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[calledchuck]

Thank you odeminkwe. I really appiciate you taking the time to reply. That means alot to me. I will seach counsel after I get out of my parents house. They wouldnt allow it. It would shatter our one happy family maquarade. I thank you SOOOOO much for your prayers and I will keep you in mine. Prayer seems like such a small thing but it is the most powerful thing we can do for someone. Thank you again!!!

-Chuck

 

[Johnnz]

You need someone to be there for you. You have lots of pain - cutting is an expression of that. Getting some help to see how Jesus can gently transform you would be wonderful and life changing.

John
NZ

 

[bubblefish]

I can't really give more advice than odeminkwe already did, but I wanted to let you know that I am praying for you Hun. I really urge you to talk to someone if you can, a friend or pastor or professional. Someone that you can trust. I know it might be hard, but it will get easier in time.

Please continue to post here as well as you feel comfortable. There are some amazing people here and all very supportive.

 

[calledchuck]

Thank you johnnz and cat_goes_meow! Thank you for your advice, prayers, and for just listening.

There are only 3 people I trust enough to tell EVERYTHING to. 2 of those aren't christians so they don't really understand how I feel. (like God has abandoned me) The other is an awesome Godly young woman named Jessi. She is married with 2 kids and has adopted me into her family. She was always there to listen to me random blabbering and give me Godly advice. Unfortunately, because me parents are selfish, blind, and cruel people (not all the time... just most) this past july, they have band me from seeing her or her family till im 18. (which is in 3 months and 1 week). I went to jessi's house after me and my parents had a big fight. They (my parents) flipped out and ended up kicking me out of the house. At 2:00 that morning my parents were at their house yelling and trying to kick the door down. We called the cops, and they made me go with my parents bc im a minor. (they ignored the fact that my pearnts were trying to KICK THE DOOR IN!!!)

So I say all this to say: there is no one to comfort me or for me to talk to and get advice. Not that are christains. My non christian friends say things like:"I could kill your assaultant (sp?) and parents, if you want." or "Guys dont think like girls so he didnt know that you didnt want him to do that to you. It's not his fault." When I heard that 2nd one I wanted to cry for days...

But the good news is: Im still in contact with Jessi. Is that wrong? There's no one else I can talk to and I know Jessi would NEVER steer me wrong, but Im disobeying my parents...

Im SOOOO confused. Confused about what I dont know and remember and confused about what I DO know. I just want a tall glass of milk and a big, long hug from someone I know that cares and wont hurt me...

-Chuck

 

[spr]

Don't make religion an issue with your parent. You want to leave now, but do what God commands and honor them anyways. You will find that when you honor them it becomes much easier to get along with them.

If you go against them in the name of Jesus it is still sin. If they cuss and watch porn overlook it. Whatever it takes, God payed the ultimate price for you, and he will give you his peace and joy if you set aside your pride.

 

[bubblefish]

((chuck)). Sorry to hear it is so hard hun, I need to ask - are you safe at home? If not you need to try and do something about it. You should not have to stay in a place where you are hurt.

Also, if you can't contact anyone in real life right now there are some amazing Christians here who would be willing to talk to you and help as much as they can. I don't claim or promise to have all the answers but if you ever want to talk please feel free to PM me or add me to msn if you have it. My details are in my profile.

Still thinking of you and praying for you.

Katie

 

[Johnnz]

Great you have someone there for you. See that as God's gift for you right now.

John
NZ

 

[calledchuck]

spr,
Thank you for your reply. But what do you mean by "don't make religioin an issue with your parents?" I don't quite understand what you mean.

-Chuck

 

[calledchuck]

cat_goes_meow/ Katie and John NZ,

Its great to hear from you again! How's yalls day been?

My dad might have quite a temper sometime, I don't think he would ever hit me again. He has in the past, (there was a DFACS report files against him.) but there are to many people watching now. He bullies me everyday though. I get tired of him calling me a worstless piece of trash or a spoiled brat. Dad says I cause him "emotional termoil". Im not a bad kid. I play bass in the church praise band and I've taught the youth sunday school. Im not bad! They just strive for perfection... If I really do cause him emotional termoil then its because im being myself, not because im selfish or disrespectful. All I want to do is make them happy... So, physically, yes I feel safe. Mentally and emotionally, no... If that makes any sense...

This is an amazing site. I feel like I can be myself here. Thank you for you advice and prayers!

Im praying for you both and I hope you have a great day tomorrow and that you are a shining light for the Lord!

-Chuck

 

[bubblefish]

*hug* I am doing pretty well The day has only just started but it shouldn't be too bad.

I am glad you are safe physically. And it does make sense to me. It is similar to what I have felt for a while now. Do you mind if I PM you a bit of my story? I don't want to trigger you but it might help to know that you are not alone feeling that way.

And no matter what anyone says Hun, you are not worthless *hug* You are an amazing creation loved by not only God but I am sure many other people as well.

Still praying for you.

Katie

 

[myscars]

can anyone talk

 

[odeminkwe]

I'm glad you made it back, myscars.

 

[bubblefish]

can anyone talk

I'm happy to talk if you want to

 

[calledchuck]

Im trying to get my mind off things so id be grateful to talk
-Chuck

 

[Johnnz]

Words really hurt. Never underestimate their power or effect on you.

Unless your dad changes he will never be able to properly accept you as you. That is so sad. Understanding that Jesus does can help a bit, but affirmation from parents is what any daughter craves. I hope you have some people around you who do allow you to be you without judgment, and who unreservedly love you.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[bubblefish]

I sent you a PM hun *hug*

 

[calledchuck]

Thank you katie. And also everyone else that posted. Even If you didnt post and you just prayed, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are all truely amazing people. If you have any more advice PLEASE let me know. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Chuck