Not home yet!

[Indea88]

My H has been gone for 2 months. It wasn't until I completely broke all contact with him that he is working his way back home. He has been lenghthening the time spent each time he comes. He called from work yesterday to say he was taking a half day from work, would I be home? He spent from 1 pm until 9pm with us.
This is my dilemma, I have prayed for restoration, for a softening of hearts.I am starting to feel resentment and anger.God has softened his heart,now I need to pray for mine to be softened.
He spoke about his new found friends, new hangout, the parties he has been to since he has left.He has alcohol and drug dependencies.He'll talk about smoking stuff with these guys and then presenting the gospel at the same time. Yes, he is a believer,newly saved.
I resent his behaviour and freedom. He then has the odacity to ask me for $20.00 until he gets paid tomorrow!! I have been struggling to make ends meet with my two children since he has been gone( he gives little money) We have had a Disney cruise scheduled for over a year, it's in a few weeks. He claims he is coming on vacation then coming home after the vacation! I'm starting to see the unfairness in all of this. As long as all is paid for, he's along for the ride....I do want a marriage and family restored but at what cost. How do I matter in all of this?

 

[Christianfantasy]

Heartfelt blessings for bearing the financial burden of those two children, and for desiring to do the right thing. I read your very well written and informative post carefully and I had a thought. Namely, you don't need a softening of the heart so much as you need some of these very legitimate issues worked out. The man/husband should be the chief provider, assuring security for his family. You have taken on that role, and it doesn't sound as if your husband appreciates it. (The opposite, in fact; he feels free to bum money off you, without wondering how its lack will affect the little girls.) At the same time, he appears to have money for himself. These fun exploits he relates are not cheap; drugs--very much including pot--as well as alcohol, cost a bundle. Unless his friends are giving him a nonstop free ride, he is spending liberally on himself.

You mentioned that he is a new Christian. Good--there is room for growth! Presumably he has a pastor. Is he a mature, discerning and trustworthy man? If so, ask [i.e.: insist, but nicely] your husband to see the pastor jointly prior to any moving back in on your husband's part. Lay out your concerns in an honest but non accusatory way. These issues need to be resolved, and the softening of your heart will follow. Prayers and blessings!

 

[Indea88]

Thank you for your thoughtful post...I have been to the church elders, I should speak to the Pastor. The elders have maintained the stance that he needs to reach out to them first,now that they know that he is returning home they feel that they need to speak to him about the order in marriage, his responsibilities with being the head...his lack of accountability and responsibility. He is spending a large sum of money on his habits. He refuses to take fiscal responsibilty, he want's to take baby steps! He only ever paid for food and the utilities when we were together.I believe he never wanted to account for where his money went, because of where he was spending it.

 

[Christianfantasy]

If you have a good, solid group of well grounded elders engaged in the situation there is probably no need to involve the pastor. They sound pretty good so far, in the sense that they are raising many of the right issues (order in the family, fiscal responsibility, etc.). I would be very concerned and troubled if no attention is paid to your husband's habits, since they clearly play a role in the problem.

I do have a question. Is your husband's return viewed as a unilateral decision on his part, and are you expected to welcome him with open arms, no strings attached, whenever and however he decides to return? Or is it seen as a joint decision, in which your concerns and input are weighed and taken into full account before any hard and fast--and needless to say, major--decisions are made? I continue to pray for you. Many blessings!

 

[Indea88]

Thanks for your continued prayers... I have spoken to our elders,regarding his addictions and they are well aware. They have encouraged us to seek professional counsel. My H admits the addictions but is not moving towards change or responsibilty in this area, and yes ,it plays a major role in our current conflict and situation. They are at this moment contemplating addressing these issues with him. I know if these issues are not confronted and addressed the same thing will evolve again, and he will leave.At this point it is a unilateral desicion. Yes, I want my H back but at what cost. I am feeling I need guidelines and bounderies. I know if (I )present them to him this will not fly, nor will it be productive. If I put conditions on his return he will not return......

 

[Christianfantasy]

You write in a very clear, honest and well focssed way; I find all your replies interesting, engaging and informative. After reading your last one it occurs to me that you probably don't nee me or anybody else to point out that the way the situation is set up, your husband has all the control, power and leverage, and you have none. [I do find it interesting, though, that it was only after you broke all contact with him that he began making overtures for a return. Is there some nugget of wisdom and insight to be gained from this fact I wonder?] If you have the time and inclination, I would be extremely interested in understanding more about why you want him back so much that you would be willing to cede one-hundred-percent control to him. Ceding all the control to a man under the bondage of serious addictions just doesn't sound like a very good foundation on which to build a lasting marriage to me.

I want to add, and you may wish to print this part out and hand it to your elders, that the latter are completely wrong about it being your husband's responsibility to approach them first. Here is why. According to the New Testament, it is an egregious sin for a man to desert his family and/or to willfully fail to support them. Also according to the NT, it is the responsibility of those who are spiritual to approach a brother or sister living in serious sin and attempt to restore such a one, always in love and always looking to themselves, lest they too slip into temptation (probably in this case the temptation of feeling holier than thou; we are all holy only insofar as Jesus' blood covers us and washes us clean). There are many passages that deal with these situations, and in every single one those who are in good spiritual standing are exhorted to take the initiative. Why? Because a man who deserts his family and/or fails to support them has wrecked his relationship with God. If anyone truly loves him in the agape sense--and let's hope the elders do!--they will in gentleness seek to repair that relationship; it has life and death eternal consequences that simply can't be ignored. Of course, it will not and cannot be repaired unless and until the man returns to his family and assumes his God ordained role as head and primary provider. And let me just add, in this context, that I would not want to be an elder standing before God in the judgment, explaining why I allowed a brother to live in egregious sin while continuing in fellowship, and yet I took no intitiative to bring him back into the fold. I can't, in my limited, fallible mind, imagine what explanation God would find sufficient.

I continue to pray for you. Many blessings!

 

[4Christ2]

You write in a very clear, honest and well focssed way; I find all your replies interesting, engaging and informative. After reading your last one it occurs to me that you probably don't nee me or anybody else to point out that the way the situation is set up, your husband has all the control, power and leverage, and you have none. [I do find it interesting, though, that it was only after you broke all contact with him that he began making overtures for a return. Is there some nugget of wisdom and insight to be gained from this fact I wonder?] If you have the time and inclination, I would be extremely interested in understanding more about why you want him back so much that you would be willing to cede one-hundred-percent control to him. Ceding all the control to a man under the bondage of serious addictions just doesn't sound like a very good foundation on which to build a lasting marriage to me.

I want to add, and you may wish to print this part out and hand it to your elders, that the latter are completely wrong about it being your husband's responsibility to approach them first. Here is why. According to the New Testament, it is an egregious sin for a man to desert his family and/or to willfully fail to support them. Also according to the NT, it is the responsibility of those who are spiritual to approach a brother or sister living in serious sin and attempt to restore such a one, always in love and always looking to themselves, lest they too slip into temptation (probably in this case the temptation of feeling holier than thou; we are all holy only insofar as Jesus' blood covers us and washes us clean). There are many passages that deal with these situations, and in every single one those who are in good spiritual standing are exhorted to take the initiative. Why? Because a man who deserts his family and/or fails to support them has wrecked his relationship with God. If anyone truly loves him in the agape sense--and let's hope the elders do!--they will in gentleness seek to repair that relationship; it has life and death eternal consequences that simply can't be ignored. Of course, it will not and cannot be repaired unless and until the man returns to his family and assumes his God ordained role as head and primary provider. And let me just add, in this context, that I would not want to be an elder standing before God in the judgment, explaining why I allowed a brother to live in egregious sin while continuing in fellowship, and yet I took no intitiative to bring him back into the fold. I can't, in my limited, fallible mind, imagine what explanation God would find sufficient.

I continue to pray for you. Many blessings!

Indea,

I have continued to pray for you and will lift you up this new development. I agree totally with Christianfantasy. Her post was full of wisdom and follows the word of God. The elders need to move forward boldly in confronting your husband and then work to help you both establish the boundaries you both can commit to. To God then becomes the glory!