Not even a chance ????

[JustAFollower]

Hello guys!

I have this really close sister in Christ who I really care and hold a special place in my heart. Recently she felt that I've been too close to her (i.e. touching her shoulder occusionally), so we set a boundary to each other, which is fine to me. She is really afraid that I might fall deeply love with her, so she asked me to just see her a a friend and told me that "there 's NO WAY" our friendship will lead to a romantic relationship even though she mentioned that she really felt comfortable around me as a guy friend. Then I asked her why...She said it not a good idea for best friends to end up having a romantic relationship. This type of relationship usually end up with break up cuz there is mix feeling of friends and lover in the relationship. After I heard this, I was really sad. I am still young, so I am not rdy to date anyone yet. I really believe she is the girl who God wants me to care for in future. But now.. I am just really confused and dissapointed. I thought a healthy relationship always start with really good friendship first. Should I just let go since she stated so boldy that she will never date me?? any advices are welcomed. God bless!

 

[desi]

You need to learn how to make friends girlfriends or you will probably fail. The science is there to learn for free if you can find it. If you can't and you want to learn PM me.

 

[JustAFollower]

You need to learn how to make friends girlfriends or you will probably fail. The science is there to learn for free if you can find it. If you can't and you want to learn PM me.

hello Desi! What science r u talking about? Can you share? I somtimes hold her back when I thought that she is going to fall while walking together, and she asked me not to think that she is a baby and I shouldn't be masculine like in our friendship. I actually asked her out last yr and she refused.

 

[Singing Bush]

No offense dude, but you seriously just need to get over her. She's given you no chance and clearly doesn't like your physical contact. Best case scenario I see in continuing to pursue her is you learn to stop bothering her in those respects and you both continue on in your friendship while you drive yourself slowly mad w/ feelings for her. I don't know the details so perhaps that's too harsh, but I've had numerous female friends who have had guy friends who turned creepy on them w/ unwanted affection and it never once ended happily. You're only 19 man, there're other girls out there and some may even be willing to give you a shot.

To try and get an idea of how your situation looks to outside observers, think of Lloyd in Dumb and Dumber.

 

[Jaegang72]

bro... as ecclestias states (im paraphrasing).. everything that is has happened before...

1/ You love her. She has plutonic interest in you.

2/ When she finds a bf, you will be burned into a crisp! I am being a little funny but ... you so will be.

3/ You need to tell her that the boundaries btw you two have blurred.. and tell her not to be upset as you try to get some space. Then you need to really get some space from her.

4/ Buy that book Boundaries by townsend ( there are couple of boundaries book. get the one meant for friendships if there's one)

cheers

jae

 

[JustAFollower]

Oh I thought so too, I guess praying for it won't work..

 

[Singing Bush]

Oh I thought so too, I guess praying for it won't work..

Heh, well you can certainly pray for God's guidance and hand in your friendship w/ your amiga, but I'd put much more emphasis on praying for contentment no matter what God has in mind for the two of you. Plus really truly, if you've been decent friends w/ this girl for a while now, as it appears you have, and she still shows little interest in you in that way, even if she does have some radical change of heart it aint gonna be enough to sustain her or the relationship. I'm only 3 years your senior, but can say from some experience that a prolonged chase of a wishy washy girl will at best get you a wishy washy romance.

I know it's gotta suck though and so I'll try to keep you in my prayers.

 

[JustAFollower]

just wondering, why do women think this way? They like to hang out with a guy and say they feel comfortable around us yet they won't date them? Is part of game that girls play or that they always need some kind of brotherly love?? I am just really curious..

 

[Singing Bush]

I can obviously only offer limited insight on that, but from what I've observed I think a large part of it is that many girls don't fully appreciate the emotional roller coaster some guys go through in such situations. This is especially true if you try and put a stoic face on it so that she is for the most part under the illusion that your feelings for her have limited effect on you.

Some girls just may not think it all the way through either...

 

[hazeleyes80]

just wondering, why do women think this way? They like to hang out with a guy and say they feel comfortable around us yet they won't date them? Is part of game that girls play or that they always need some kind of brotherly love?? I am just really curious..

I promise that even if the girl you're talking about is "playing a game," not all women do. I think what probably happened is that you were more open to the whole "relationship" thing from the beginning. If she got to know you in the "friend" or "brother" sense, then I can understand why she'd be uncomfortable with a romantic relationship. If the two of you are truly meant to be together, then you'll have to trust God to change her heart. If he doesn't, then maybe he has someone else in mind for you.

 

[aReformedPatriot]

one would think that you would want your partner to be the person who is your best friend (providing opposite sex of course). I dont get relationships.

 

[JustAFollower]

"If you have decided to be my friend, you can't think of me as more than that because that puts me in a very uncomfortable position. You may see me differently for whatever reasons, but I just can't see you like that. You telling me that you anticipate us becoming more than just friends tells me that you feel differently about me than I do about you. That's not a mutual relationship. I can't tell you to change your feelings, but I want to at least tell you to not encourage it because it's not fair on my part, nor yours. If the relationship isn't mutual, it's not a healthy one."

I just received this email from her, I guess this pretty much sums up that I will be just be her friend!!

 

[aReformedPatriot]

"If you have decided to be my friend, you can't think of me as more than that because that puts me in a very uncomfortable position. You may see me differently for whatever reasons, but I just can't see you like that. You telling me that you anticipate us becoming more than just friends tells me that you feel differently about me than I do about you. That's not a mutual relationship. I can't tell you to change your feelings, but I want to at least tell you to not encourage it because it's not fair on my part, nor yours. If the relationship isn't mutual, it's not a healthy one."

I just received this email from her, I guess this pretty much sums up that I will be just be her friend!!

I agree with what she said.

 

[Inperfected]

Quite honestly, don't give it up in that sence, but give it to god. Accept that if it happens, thats cool, if it doesn't, all your hopes weren't hanging upon it. Sometimes us girls needa long time friendship first, i had an ex and we were friends for quite a while first (i think about a year) and he liked me alot all that time.. i just was so unsure. Sometimes we come around, sometimes we dno't, just bew careful not to hang all your hopes up on it.

 

[Jaegang72]

actually , i have to disagree with imperfected.

this female friend of yours ,justafollower, has very specifically told you how she sees it.

Do not make the error of entertaining any mebe, hopefullys... Do you want unnecessary pain? Do you want your friend to be uncomfortable? Do you want a counterfeit relationship ie not a bgr but a pseudo one.

If a female were unsure about her feelings, she would NOT express it in such strong terms as she did. What you need is a time away from her to gather yourself together, form healthy boundaries . Read some christian books on relationship. Stay away from her for awhile but tell her 1st why so she doesnt think you gone all weird

jae
p/s dont hold out false hopes. the sooner you understand the true situation the faster your emotional wounds will stop bleeding and begin to scab over coz you must be bleeding like a fish now. take care.

 

[KeilCoppes]

One word, though a challenge - NEXT!

(which can be difficult if you don't see anyone waiting in line)

 

[JustAFollower]

yeah, i think this is a good learning experience for me. Women are complicated So, most women know who they will NOT date after spending so time with the guys?

 

[JohnnyV]

Its been my experience that if you are too good of friends then it can cause problems if you move on into a love relationship. If you were to break up, you lose not only a GF but also a friend.
My advice is to be happy being her friend and move on.
IF God does want you together, then he will open a way, if not then you still have a good friend.

 

[OhhJim]

So, most women know who they will NOT date after spending so time with the guys?

After spending about 5 minutes with you, most women will decide whether or not they want to date you. Some don't take that long.

Don't beat yourself up over it, that's just the way it is.

If it were me, I'd tell this woman that I have enough friends, and that I know what I want (a relationship with her) and what I don't want (to be just a friend) and then I'd tell her I wouldn't be hanging out with her anymore. I realize you may not want my opinion.

Something you should know: Some hot women will keep a "stable" of guys around, who they only want as friends. The guys all want her as a girlfriend, and figure it's better to hang around, and maybe she'll change her mind. She likes the attention, and they buy her stuff, and do things for her, which she likes. Maybe one of her girlfriends likes one of the guys, and it's an ego trip for her to "one-up" her friend. Maybe he's a good dancer or conversationalist, and she likes having him around. But she will never, ever want to date them.

The irony is that the only way these guys can make points with her is to demonstrate that they are strong, wilfull men, and not puppy dogs, and they can best do this by showing they don't need her and walk away.

 

[Living4Him03]

There needs to be a follow up book to that one called "he's just not that into you"...it would be called "she's just not that into you"

It looks like she wants to keep you as a friend and nothing more and has made that clear. All you can do now is continue to be a good friend and treat her as God's daughter. Pray for her and be there for her. You never know what God's will is. Be content where you are.