Not doing so good

[_Ella_]

Am not doing so good ...am finding it hard to pray and think about God and Jesus
All i can think about this my past because this time of year leading up to easter is hard for me as i was abused at this time of year
also i was raped as well at this time of year

Am catholic and we are meant to go to church every Saturday/ Sunday mass but i havent been going the last time i tried i took a big panic attack and had to leave right away
Am loud when i take them and i had to leave as fast i could not to disturb everyone in the church

Am unsure what to do ..weather to try again but i feel that church is such a big trigger for me that i shouldnt try it again at lest for a while
i was thinking about going again after the Easter...
Everything about going to church scares me

 

[Spunkn]

Sorry you've went through such a rough time...

What makes it hard for you to pray to God and Jesus? Is it guilt that you're somehow unworthy? Is it distraction that you can't focus on prayer?

If you aren't ready to go back to church yet, then I would not go until you are a little better off. Is there a counselor you could talk to? Or maybe even just a friend?

Not going to church, doesn't mean God doesn't love you anymore. He does want us to go to church to fellowship with other believers, but He still loves us, even if we don't go for a while.

What specifically scares you about church?

Sorry if I'm asking too many questions, I just wanted to know a little bit more information.

 

[_Ella_]

No Questions are good
I finding that am not worthy to pray i feel am not worth praying for or asked what i am praying for
The church scares me so much because i was abused by a priest in a church and i find it very hard to be around churches because i was abuse in the church
The priest that abused me would say its because am evil and that i had to pray for forgiveness or ill go to hell and he would say this is for your sins
this is how you confess them so even going to confession seems wrong

I dont have a counselor or Therapist because my psych says i dont need one and i cant go out with the NHS ( Am in the uk ) and i dont have any friends in real life just my husband we can talk but i dont want to trigger him either ( he is an abuse survivor too )

 

[Spunkn]

None of us are really worthy to talk to the creator of the universe, but He still wants to talk with all of us. You are worth praying for, because you were created in His image. You're a child of God, and He wants to take care of you.

If something happened to a child of yours that was out of their control would you be upset with them? Of course not. You cannot control that you were abused. God is not upset or angry with you. I think He is grieved that you went through such difficult pain.

If you were abused by a priest, it is not surprisingly that you are scared to go to church. You are fearful that it will happen again. Sometimes our fears can be protecting to us and keep us out of situations we shouldn't be in.

I'm very sorry you were abused in the one place that should be a safe place. A place of refuge. It's sad that a church is the place where you found pain and sorrow. But God is bigger than the church, and He does love you.

You are not evil. The priest is only telling you that, to justify in his mind what he did to you. He thinks to himself, that if you are evil, then you deserve what he did to you. But that is a lie. No one deserves that. To say that someone is evil, is to take the place of Christ as judge. God is the judge of men, not us.

When Jesus died on the cross, He paid for all of our sins. It was completed. Past, present, and future sins were forgiven. We were made righteous through Christ. No sin you can commit after becoming a Christian can keep you away from being saved. Confession is not for the forgiveness of sins, but to make us away of them, and make our hearts right with God when we are sinning. The forgivness has already taken place.

If your husband is strong, then I would trust him to carry you through this. Perhaps with his own abuse he can be of help to you since he can probably relate. I don't think it is wrong for you to feel as if you can't go to church right now. It will take a long time to heal a scar like that, you will need to find some healing through Christ before you are able to fully trust being able to go back to church.

 

[Spunkn]

How doing you doing Ella?

 

[_Ella_]

Not so good at the moment ...keep having flashbacks today ...still having them now

i have no words at the moment ...Sorry

 

[Spunkn]

Sorry to hear that, if you feel the need to talk at anytime, you can always send me a PM.

Still praying for you.

 

[Johnnz]

Have you ever talked about those bad times with anyone?

I can understand church and clergy being triggers for you. Church will not feel safe at all.

You are not bad. You are not 'banned' from God's presence, Jesus is there with open arms, full of understanding and acceptance. Making the victim feel bad is a classic abuser trait. The abuser does not want you to tell anyone, so he instilled fear as a gag on you and protection for himself.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[_Ella_]

The only person i have talked about it to is my husband
some times i have to write it because i cant put it into words because if i say it , it would be too real

Am struggling at the moment ...i feel i want comfort but am too scared to ask for it

I want to have Jesus and God in my life ...i prayed for someone else tonight but am too scared to pray for myself as i see it as me being selfish and i believe that am from the devil

 

[Johnnz]

It will never be selfish. You are hurt and broken. Jesus understands. Your worthiness is not an issue with him. You are loved and accepted unconditionally, always.

John
NZ

 

[Spunkn]

Been praying some for you Ella, I put a sticky note on my computer so I'll remember more often.

It's not selfish to pray for help, and you're not from the devil.

 

[cweinstein]

Hi Ella
I just saw this post. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am here for you, praying, and if you need someone to talk to feel free to send me a PM anytime.

I was Catholic. My abuser, now ex, was hiding behind the catholic church, denying abuse, blaming me for feeling isolated, and denying controlling me. After I left I could not set foot in a catholic church without going into a major panic attack. It was a connection to him, too strong. I stopped going to church, but I did not stop searching. A friend of mine, who became my best friend and now roommate, invited me to go to church with her, a Christian church though not Catholic. After much soul searching, and praying, I eventually left the Catholic Church. My abuser and his family shoved Catholic doctrine down my throat so hard they drove me away from them and the Catholic church.

You are not evil. You are definitely not from the devil. You are a beautiful child of God. God will deal with the priest who abused you. The priest is the one with the problem, not you. If you still cannot set foot in a Catholic church then don't. Have you considered a different church, a Christian non-Catholic church? If you cannot still go to any church that's okay too. God understands.

 

[Spunkn]

Still been praying for you Ella