Not Accepted

[Imaginosis]

One of the most frustrating things I find about being a middle aged single male is that too often you're not accepted in churches which are predominately composed of married couples. One of the symptoms of non-acceptance is that there is the attitude that you don't know what life is about unless you have the responsibilities of marriage (eg, kids). In other words, you need a family to be a mature adult.

Ironically, I find many married males with families to be very limited in some respects. For example, many have very limited experiences. They haven't been exposed to the multiplicity of the arenas of life. They've lived in the same house and have had the same job for years. It's all they know. This is, perhaps, an overstatement, but it expresses a point.

What's your input.

 

[mina]

I agree. Many people that married very young, know of nothing else in life. As a 20 something single female i'm definitely not accepted in the church culture. I get the feeling if I put a ring on my finger and pretended to be married then those that don't talk to me at all or acknowledge that I exist would suddenly discover that i'm a human being. It's frustrateing. I went through a time where I really struggled with even going to church, because I hated going and sitting alone and have people treat me like I should be ashamed for upsetting the balance of coupledom. But I came to the conclusion that I'm going for Jesus, to hear the word of God and to grow in Him. It's not about them, and it's not about me and my uncomfortableness. If no one talks to me, fine, i'll look for others that are alone to reach out to and talk to. I hate that this happens to anyone. I hate that there are some in the body of Christ that try to make other members feel less, because they are not exactly the same.

 

[fishstix]

My church is predominantly composed of married couples / families. However, it is quite accepting of single people. I've never been told that I can't serve in a ministry because I'm single. If I volunteer to help with something, they are happy to have me. Nobody seems to think of me as immature due to singleness or anything like that. And nobody pressures me to couple off either. That last point is probably the one thing that I think best shows acceptance of singleness. If my church started pressuring me to couple off, I'd be looking for a different church.

 

[JPPT1974]

I belong in a church group of single people. And we keep growing everytime. And we love each other a lot. But most of all, we accept one another. Despite losing people to marriage or to another church, we gain more on the other hand.

 

[Tink]

In my current church I haven't experienced such a thing. My unacceptance in previous churches has usually been because I wear jeans and t's to church and not some stuffy old dress. I don't really care. I go to church to worship the Lord, to talk to people who share my faith, and to learn the Word of God. If some old lady (or man, or young person) has issues with my singleness OR my way of dress, I don't care one way or another. It's not my problem if they can't see through that stuff to the me inside. If they can't see the Daughter of the Living God regardless of that, they need to work on their own issues!

I hope things get better for you, Imaginosis.

In His love,
Tink

 

[Evie1980]

I agree it is hard being a single in the church though my minister does try hard to understand my situation. I am the only one in my age group who is single or without children. It has been hard but my parents are very support and no one has brought the marriage issue up with me. At the moment I am married to the Lord. The relationship we (god and I) have has been rocky in the past so I am glad to take this time to communicate with Him and grow in His Spirit.

I kn ow this sounds weird but I had a strange idea the other day that I needed to buy a ring. I was walking through the shops thinking of my lack of a 'significant other' in my life and the thought went through my head saying well if you want a ring go get one. Now I know that a marriage is more than a ring but the ring is the clear symbol of the commitment one person has to another. So I went and bought myself a ring. It is a symbol of my commitment to the Lord. It reminds me that He is always with me and my focus should be on Him through out my day. It reminds me to pray and talk toHim. To share my blessings and discuss my 'issues' with Him. And I must admit that I am loving it!

I feel blessed that I do have this time with the Lord. I still do get 'clucky' especially when I watch romantic movies or see happily married couples. I have to call time-out and refocus when I am watching television but that is good because I watch too much anyway! And yes, I have trouble at church or any place where there are more couple than singles but that is not only married peoples fault! I have trouble talking and responding to people who are married with children just as much as they have trouble talking to me! I am trying to be more understanding and become more involved and the funny thing is there really isn't that much difference after all.

God bless

 

[Freakconformist]

I'm usually recieved fairly well at my church. I've been going to the same church for alomost 8 years, and the church is only 10 years old! I'm pretty senior despite the fact that I'm a lot younger then a good deal of the newer couples.

I used to feel like I wasn't accepted because I was young and single, but I decided not to let that stop me and started to volenteer my time and opinion. Soon enough people started to look at me as if I were a member and not just a visitor.

The only thing that gets me is that almost all other people who have been going to my church as long as I have are members of the church council. One of which is a single middle aged male, so I would have to say I've been excluded because of my youth.

Funny enough, the worship leader sang an old but familiar song this Sunday. However I didn't realize old it was until I realized that I was only one of about 5 people who remebered the song!

 

[NicelyAged]

Hey Imaginosis.

Sorry to hear about your experience. Depending on the culture of the church you go to, I think there can be truth to what you're saying although I'm sure not all churches are like that.

I suggest that you find groups or ministries in your area that focus on singles. You can still go to the church you're at now at your home church. But, spend a lot of you time with people who share your experience of being single.

Hope things get better.

 

[California Dreamin']

I feel that who isn't married and my age, is either engaged or going to be engaged soon. I do not even have a boyfriend, so sometimes it makes me feel left out.

 

[bellantara]

I feel the same way. I came from a small town, where if you weren't married two months after you graduated high school, you were regarded as odd; if you weren't married by the time you graduated college (if you went), you were just weird. It's been my experience (in both that small church and larger ones I've been to) that most church life seems tilted towards families with children. I have no problem with kids; I just don't like feeling left out. Sometimes I want to jump up and shout, "Hey! I matter too!!" *ends rant; gets off soapbox.*

 

[Imaginosis]

...Depending on the culture of the church you go to, I think there can be truth to what you're saying although I'm sure not all churches are like that.

Geography and community culture do play a role. For example, when I was living in the panhandle of Alaska, I attended a church with transient, summer, seasonal workers. The core congregation was so conditioned to seeing people come and go of all colors, races, ethinicities, etc, that acceptance wasn't an issue. Also, many communities in Alaska are used to seeing people come and go; consequently, they're repeated being reminded that people/Christians are diverse.

 

[septemberskies]

I feel that who isn't married and my age, is either engaged or going to be engaged soon. I do not even have a boyfriend, so sometimes it makes me feel left out.

I know what you mean.

 

[JPPT1974]

My church group is a mixture of people. Never been married, divorced, or divorced with children. We still relate to one another and get along great.

 

[christdriven]

I think that singles in a family congegration should be greatly accepted. They can better devote their lives to ministry than married couples with children.
I mean a single woman could just pour herself and life into the youth, childrens or womans ministries and be able to offer something that a woman who is married cant. Her complete self and time.
Especially when it comes to missions as well, a single woman or man would be able to offer so much more than a married couple or family because they can devote their entire selves to Christ and his will.
When you are single, Christ can use you completely. So I guess for even my life I hope to get married, but maybe not right away so that I can be completely used without other relational commitments.
Just a thought.

 

[JPPT1974]

Especially when it comes to missions as well, a single woman or man would be able to offer so much more than a married couple or family because they can devote their entire selves to Christ and his will.
When you are single, Christ can use you completely. So I guess for even my life I hope to get married, but maybe not right away so that I can be completely used without other relational commitments.
Just a thought.

Christ will use us completely whether both single or married. And that He will let us know what we need to do. No matter what occurs.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I know what you mean imaginosis. I'm struggling with even going to church because the last church I attended on a regular basis pretty much wouldn't let me get involved in anything because I am single and work full time plus a second job. I was the ONLY person in her 30's and single there. The only other single people were barely in college or 50+ and divorced or widowed. I can't seem to find Christians outside of the CF who are in my age group and single. I see two sides of the coin....single males have it rough because people think something must be wrong with them for being single. Single females have it rough because people think they must be feminists or something...a big threat to the family values. I wish churches would realize we're not on Noah's Ark....Jesus was SINGLE!!!!!

 

[Imaginosis]

...a big threat to the family values.

I've met more than one married man threatened by me because I've seen and experienced a lot more than they have. As I stated at the beginning of the threat, many married men are limited in their experiences. The arenas of life they've operated in are limited. The breath of my experiences (eg, World travelling, diverse jobs) can really intimidate some married men. They feel trapped by the responsibities of marriage and envy my "freedom." I've met numerous single males who've expressed similar experiences regarding the aforementioned. Petty jealousies. It all started when Lucifer wanted to be like God.

 

[JPPT1974]

First of all, I am a single thirty-one year old female.
And I don't consider myself a feminest.
I just consider myself a Christian woman who believes in the Bible and God.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I've met more than one married man threatened by me because I've seen and experienced a lot more than they have. As I stated at the beginning of the threat, many married men are limited in their experiences. The arenas of life they've operated in are limited. The breath of my experiences (eg, World travelling, diverse jobs) can really intimidate some married men. They feel trapped by the responsibities of marriage and envy my "freedom." I've met numerous single males who've expressed similar experiences regarding the aforementioned. Petty jealousies. It all started when Lucifer wanted to be like God.

You said it better than I did. God Bless you!

 

[NicelyAged]

Often times, singles and singles ministry is a neglected area in the Christian community. As mentioned earlier, church culture tends to be built around being married with kids. I guess that's because it promotes family values and marriages that are intact.

I think when one reads the Bible, one sort gets the impression that everyone's married. There not much stories and history about singles and using single people as a focal point of teaching.