It's been a little over a year since I got baptized. Thanks to everyone for all their prayers and so forth, I went to Christ and held on tight. But, my heart is extremely troubled, ten-fold.
As soon as I got baptized, it wasn't until about two weeks later which my girlfriend broke up with me, and I had my heart broken. She is the only girl I have ever dated my entire life, whom I fell in love with and love to this day. However, life has moved on and she is happy with someone else, and I am just glad she is happy and can be with someone who can provide her what I cannot.
Soon after, I also lost my job. I was making good wages right out of high school doing what I love to do most. Now I have a job doing the one thing in the world I dislike the most, getting paid very low wages and with poor company policies on many things. The only plus side about it is that my bills are paid and I can do my job alone, and spend my day being humble.
During the year I have been with Jesus, many - strange - things have occurred. I wrote my own book from experiences dealing with demons, angles, and other odd experiences. All of in which, I have zero understanding or comprehension, but these were true events. If I still have the document I may post it at a later date for others to read, as it's quite long as is sort of written like a Bible is written. I felt that God wanted me to write it as I experienced those things, so I did (because I thought he actually told me physically, a voice), and soon after I finished it, all the weird experiences stopped, completely... So looking back, at least to me it is obvious that these things happened, and were true.
I am highly attracted to rain and lightning now. Every time it rains, hails, or there is severe lightning I don't care where I am at, I will go outside to be in it. When I am in it, it feels as though I am with God, like he is actually touching me. It is very comfortable, physically and spiritually. People will look at me odd because I will actually go walk out in hail.
Among all these odd things, the one that bothers me the most is these: The acne, while improved quite a bit (thanks to prayers and everything), and two: ME.
I think God wants me to be something that the world would not generally accept, because it has not seen it since times of old. Many a days will I dress in complete black, combat boots, and knives. I've been told I look cool, scary, and other, but when I dress this way I am comfortable. My dreams, thoughts and motives are driven by the will to want to assassinate evil men. This is the truth. However, I have never, and probably will never act upon these feelings. I was even given two swords from my grandfather for Christmas about a year back, one that looks evil (demon) and one that looks good (angel). And these two swords coincide with some of the stories I've written, and experiences I have experienced, and some of thing things I have been told physically, by which I believe to be either demons or angels. I do not know what is true in this, or what is right, because I simply do not have any understanding. I can be a very mean person, but in an upright manner. I tell people around me to watch their language when they curse, I do not tolerate much sin around me as I avoid it completely, though I do sin a lot myself.
These things, and all, I do not have understanding or comprehension. God has touched my life drastically, but I have been torn down and made into dust in that which I will remain until God decides otherwise. I have this idea about what I want and feel my life should be, but God's idea is a very different one, one that I do not know of, or have the authority to know of.
I think that many of these things are reasons why God will not allow me to have a girlfriend again. Even though their are girls who I know have liked me, that I have liked as well, God will do something to prevent me from having a girlfriend, which personally, I understand. I understand that a man's life is not his own, and that God will enforce certain limitations upon my life. I also presume that the many things I have spoken of is why I have become distant from all friends I have ever had back in high school (it's been only a little over a year).
I honestly believe, pure in heart, that God wants me to be something that the world has not seen in a long time. But, I am so young (19) and have not lived my life. I have not even understood anything that has happened to me, or why my life is the way it is.
Several times I have actually got up and walked overe 20 miles without anything to eat or drink, with the clothes off my back out into the desert towards the mountains, with the intention never to come back. Simply put, to walk and hand my life to the Lord, and give up all technology, and manly things ever made, to leave it all behind. I love God more than I do my own family. I would do anything for him, however without proper understanding I delay, and with what my parents would be left with (broken hearts, misery, etc) I could not bare to actually act upon all these things I have talked about.
I don't really know why I am being open about this. I don't really know what to do, where I am at in life (not that I want to know how I'm doing, according to God I could be doing very bad).
There was a point in this last year where I actually thought God talked to me directly, which was odd. Same thing with Lucifer, I actually think I have spoken to him.
With all of this said, I am a very normal person. Maybe a little depressed, but I go out and have fun with my dad bowling all the time, I go to work everyday and talk with people.. I'm not some weirdo, it's just these things I have opened up to everyone here about, are things I've never spoken.
I guess my purpose here today was simply to be open to other Christians about this, because these things are things you don't hear many Christians speak of, if they even happen at all.
As soon as I got baptized, it wasn't until about two weeks later which my girlfriend broke up with me, and I had my heart broken. She is the only girl I have ever dated my entire life, whom I fell in love with and love to this day. However, life has moved on and she is happy with someone else, and I am just glad she is happy and can be with someone who can provide her what I cannot.
Soon after, I also lost my job. I was making good wages right out of high school doing what I love to do most. Now I have a job doing the one thing in the world I dislike the most, getting paid very low wages and with poor company policies on many things. The only plus side about it is that my bills are paid and I can do my job alone, and spend my day being humble.
During the year I have been with Jesus, many - strange - things have occurred. I wrote my own book from experiences dealing with demons, angles, and other odd experiences. All of in which, I have zero understanding or comprehension, but these were true events. If I still have the document I may post it at a later date for others to read, as it's quite long as is sort of written like a Bible is written. I felt that God wanted me to write it as I experienced those things, so I did (because I thought he actually told me physically, a voice), and soon after I finished it, all the weird experiences stopped, completely... So looking back, at least to me it is obvious that these things happened, and were true.
I am highly attracted to rain and lightning now. Every time it rains, hails, or there is severe lightning I don't care where I am at, I will go outside to be in it. When I am in it, it feels as though I am with God, like he is actually touching me. It is very comfortable, physically and spiritually. People will look at me odd because I will actually go walk out in hail.
Among all these odd things, the one that bothers me the most is these: The acne, while improved quite a bit (thanks to prayers and everything), and two: ME.
I think God wants me to be something that the world would not generally accept, because it has not seen it since times of old. Many a days will I dress in complete black, combat boots, and knives. I've been told I look cool, scary, and other, but when I dress this way I am comfortable. My dreams, thoughts and motives are driven by the will to want to assassinate evil men. This is the truth. However, I have never, and probably will never act upon these feelings. I was even given two swords from my grandfather for Christmas about a year back, one that looks evil (demon) and one that looks good (angel). And these two swords coincide with some of the stories I've written, and experiences I have experienced, and some of thing things I have been told physically, by which I believe to be either demons or angels. I do not know what is true in this, or what is right, because I simply do not have any understanding. I can be a very mean person, but in an upright manner. I tell people around me to watch their language when they curse, I do not tolerate much sin around me as I avoid it completely, though I do sin a lot myself.
These things, and all, I do not have understanding or comprehension. God has touched my life drastically, but I have been torn down and made into dust in that which I will remain until God decides otherwise. I have this idea about what I want and feel my life should be, but God's idea is a very different one, one that I do not know of, or have the authority to know of.
I think that many of these things are reasons why God will not allow me to have a girlfriend again. Even though their are girls who I know have liked me, that I have liked as well, God will do something to prevent me from having a girlfriend, which personally, I understand. I understand that a man's life is not his own, and that God will enforce certain limitations upon my life. I also presume that the many things I have spoken of is why I have become distant from all friends I have ever had back in high school (it's been only a little over a year).
I honestly believe, pure in heart, that God wants me to be something that the world has not seen in a long time. But, I am so young (19) and have not lived my life. I have not even understood anything that has happened to me, or why my life is the way it is.
Several times I have actually got up and walked overe 20 miles without anything to eat or drink, with the clothes off my back out into the desert towards the mountains, with the intention never to come back. Simply put, to walk and hand my life to the Lord, and give up all technology, and manly things ever made, to leave it all behind. I love God more than I do my own family. I would do anything for him, however without proper understanding I delay, and with what my parents would be left with (broken hearts, misery, etc) I could not bare to actually act upon all these things I have talked about.
I don't really know why I am being open about this. I don't really know what to do, where I am at in life (not that I want to know how I'm doing, according to God I could be doing very bad).
There was a point in this last year where I actually thought God talked to me directly, which was odd. Same thing with Lucifer, I actually think I have spoken to him.
With all of this said, I am a very normal person. Maybe a little depressed, but I go out and have fun with my dad bowling all the time, I go to work everyday and talk with people.. I'm not some weirdo, it's just these things I have opened up to everyone here about, are things I've never spoken.
I guess my purpose here today was simply to be open to other Christians about this, because these things are things you don't hear many Christians speak of, if they even happen at all.
