No-win situation:

[MParedon]

Sometimes I get very fustrated and I'm wondering if anyone has advice or has been through these kinds of situations.

A guy is nice to you and you see him as a friend. You make an extra effort not to give him any mixed signals or 'lead him on'. You feel like he is attracted to you and you tell him that you do not want to date him or that you are interested in someone else.
In the course of the friendship he'll do things for you, benign normal things that friends do for each other, but because he is attracted to you if you accept these things then you feel like you are leading him on and he'll soon expect more from you. If you refuse, then he'll get angry and say that you are being a mean paranoid friend.

Basically, it feels like if someone is attracted to you and you are not attracted to him the option of friendship is not possible. You still end being the person in the wrong no matter what you do. You are either forced to be 'mean' or 'lead him on' even though you have absolutely no intention to do so and you feel that this is unfair.

What options are there? How do other people cope with these things?

 

[Fatolia]

Hmmm...I don't know. I'm typically the guy in the situation. Can't you just lay it straight to him? I always embrace that. It may shock me and hurt at first, but I'd usually get over it in a couple of days. Better that than cause him to agonizingly wonder about what you think for months on end.

Whatever you do: please do not end the friendship. That will murder him.

 

[joeman1]

I was at the recieveing end of one of those relationships. Oh well I guess I learned a lesson from that.

 

[MParedon]

What should the girl do in order not to cause the guy this problem? Should she avoid the relationship entirely?

 

[joeman1]

I ended up just haveing to walk away. It ripped everything out but if I hadn't it would have killed me in the long run. It almost did. Just sit him aside and tell him the truth be sincere and things will work out. Beleive me you need to tell him. He may not want to listen but he will. If he continues to persist just totally aviod him.

 

[MParedon]

I guess it's best to be very blunt about it, even if it takes more than one time in telling him. But I have to admit that these things cause me to be very resentful of him putting me in a situation that I not only didn't ask for but also didn't initiate and I still end up being the person with the bad news.

I do thank you for the advice. It helps to find out the other side of the issue.

 

[joeman1]

Yeah well I was the guy doing that stuff once. She felt that way but she never told me. Instead she has went through like 3 b/f's and I am still at the same spot. I guess avoidence worked for her but it devastated me, but through the grace of God I was able to over come it.

 

[MParedon]

I'm sorry that she avoided the issue with you, that was very wrong.
I don't do that. I make it clear in the beginning that I don't want a romantic relationship, but it feels like I have to repeat myself.

But I also think that the guy has some responcibility also in not avoiding the issue. I think a guy should tell the girl what his intentions are. That may sound old fashioned but to be fair if he wants to persue a romantic relationship with her he should tell her.

 

[OhhJim]

It IS frustrating, I would imagine, and very unfair. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do. Look at it from his point of view: He has people telling him that "Love takes time to grow", "As she gets to know you, she'll like you more", and the ever popular, "When I met my husband, I didn't like him, but after time, I fell in love". I know of many women who claim that it is common for love to develop over time. (I'm not claiming it isn't.) So, he's hanging in there, hoping that all these stories he hears are true in his case. It's a no-win situation for him, too. He can either stick around and irritate someone he cares for, or bail and miss out on the love of his life.

 

[joeman1]

But I also think that the guy has some responcibility also in not avoiding the issue. I think a guy should tell the girl what his intentions are. That may sound old fashioned but to be fair if he wants to persue a romantic relationship with her he should tell her.

I did and she ran. Oh well I guess God has something better in store.

 

[KeilCoppes]

All of which makes me think that getting in a bulk discount order of monk's robes might just be a money-making proposition.... except for the whole denial factor... thing.

 

[Fatolia]

oooo...this thread is REALLY hitting home with me. oochos.

Please please do not lie to him with lines like, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." or "Let's just be friends." Just say "I'm not attracted to you" and leave it like that. Us guys think logically like that. It will shock him at first, but he will accept it very quickly. Any other man care to challenge this notion?

 

[the_man]

I'm sorry that she avoided the issue with you, that was very wrong.
I don't do that. I make it clear in the beginning that I don't want a romantic relationship, but it feels like I have to repeat myself.

But I also think that the guy has some responcibility also in not avoiding the issue. I think a guy should tell the girl what his intentions are. That may sound old fashioned but to be fair if he wants to persue a romantic relationship with her he should tell her.

I think this guy is on an intercept course with a broken heart. Until he gets there he won't leave you alone. There is nothing you can do that will prevent this. We can really just focus on damage control at this point...i.e. how badly he'll be hurt. But even with this, it is not your fault that he likes you and you don't like him. Sometimes people have to learn lessons the hard way.

 

[JWBZ SVT]

It isn't mean to tell someone "plainly" that you are not interested in them and not attracted to them and do not have any intentions of moving in that direction. In the grand scheme of things, it's probably the nicest thing that you could do and say.

Be nice but be firm and confident when you tell him that you do not have feelings for him. Don't beat around the bush either...use the "KISS" method (Keep It Simple and Stupid.) I don't envy your situation. Pray to God for guidance and wisdom.

 

[welshchick]

I have been on both sides of the coin in this sort of thing.

Last year one of my friends really liked me and wanted us to go out. However, i didn't feel the same. No matter what i did, it seemed to make him like me even more. Even something like me saying hi to him in the corridor seemed to give him the impression that i liked him. But he just wouldn't get the idea, and it really started irritating me because i felt totally smothered - wherever i went, he was there. In the end i just had to avoid him, and i even told him i had a boyfriend (even though i didnt). It really crushed him. But i just didn't know what else to do. Thankfully, time has healed it all and we're friends again now.


However, over the last few months i've been in the opposite situation to last year. I fell in love with one of my friends. I genuinley though he liked me back (and so did many of my other friends). He used to ring me up a lot just to chat about stuff, he would walk me back to my car every night in the dark to say goodbye, he'd buy me everything when we went out, he'd flirt outrageously with me sometimes, he even told me that i was perfect. i fell totally head over heels for him, and was prepared to change my whole life for him - even moving to another continent! However, it turns out that he played me, and that he wasn't interested in anything but friendship from me all along. I was totally crushed, but as time has gone on, i've started to heal.

i'm not really sure if there is really an easy solution to it all. I guess the best thing is to just sit the guy down, and tell him plainly (in the most respectful of ways). It will crush him, but i do believe that it would save a lot of heartache for yourself and him in the long run.

 

[OhhJim]

oooo...this thread is REALLY hitting home with me. oochos.

Please please do not lie to him with lines like, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." or "Let's just be friends." Just say "I'm not attracted to you" and leave it like that. Us guys think logically like that. It will shock him at first, but he will accept it very quickly. Any other man care to challenge this notion?

No challenge here, I think you have it exactly right.

Do you know who was more of a help to me to understand the truth and to improve myself: My Aunt Minny, who told me I was special, and adorable, and wonderful, or my Coach Damien, who told me I was a slacker, and weak, and he'd kick my sorry patootie if I didn't do it right? Yup, it was Coach Damien! We guys don't take stuff as personal as women do. Give it to him straight.

 

[waterbear]

Sometimes I get very fustrated and I'm wondering if anyone has advice or has been through these kinds of situations.

A guy is nice to you and you see him as a friend. You make an extra effort not to give him any mixed signals or 'lead him on'. You feel like he is attracted to you and you tell him that you do not want to date him or that you are interested in someone else.
In the course of the friendship he'll do things for you, benign normal things that friends do for each other, but because he is attracted to you if you accept these things then you feel like you are leading him on and he'll soon expect more from you. If you refuse, then he'll get angry and say that you are being a mean paranoid friend.

Basically, it feels like if someone is attracted to you and you are not attracted to him the option of friendship is not possible. You still end being the person in the wrong no matter what you do. You are either forced to be 'mean' or 'lead him on' even though you have absolutely no intention to do so and you feel that this is unfair.

What options are there? How do other people cope with these things?

Early in most relationships I've had with single girls, we both discuss what we look for in a potential date. Be very specific about what you look for, enough information for him to figure out that he's not your type. Also make sure he realizes there's nothing he can do to be your type if applicable.

 

[the_man]

Please please do not lie to him with lines like, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." or "Let's just be friends." Just say "I'm not attracted to you" and leave it like that. Us guys think logically like that. It will shock him at first, but he will accept it very quickly. Any other man care to challenge this notion?

No challenge here either. Personally, I think this guy has all the warning signs that she is not interested, he is just choosing to ignore them. (According to the OP's story ofcourse).

 

[JPPT1974]

oooo...this thread is REALLY hitting home with me. oochos.

Please please do not lie to him with lines like, "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." or "Let's just be friends." Just say "I'm not attracted to you" and leave it like that. Us guys think logically like that. It will shock him at first, but he will accept it very quickly. Any other man care to challenge this notion?

Also God may not want you to be in a relationship not just yet. Lean on him because his ways are always right.