No Touching Policy

[Astar]

Hi everyone I am new to this forum. I have Bipolar, OCD and Borderline Personality disorder.

Due to my behavior in the past (which has included physical abuse) my wife will now not allow me to touch her.

I am stable on my medications now and am not a danger. I don't even show most of the behavior that I used to. I am also a fairly new Christian so this may have something to do with the change as well.

But like I said my wife won't even let me touch her. She says that it's going to take a year or two before we can begin to see if that is even possible.

I know that I have hurt her badly, as evidenced by this strict prohibition but how do I handle it?

I absolutely crave touch. Absolutely crave it and don't know how to deal with a year or two of no contact. Understand I'm not just talking about sex here. Hugs, laying my hand on her while we lie on the bed. Those are the things that I crave and I can't have them.

How do I deal with this?

 

[madison1101]

You handle it by earning her trust. Physical abuse violates a trust, and it is not easily earned back. Are you in therapy? Do you go to marital therapy with your wife? Are you attending church, and in a discipleship/mentoring relationship? These are all necessary for you to heal yourself and grow into the man God wants you to be.

I relate to everything you have posted. You should be grateful your wife is even still with you. My husband divorced me and remarried. He said "Enough is enough." I crave touch too. I have not had a hug in days. I live alone.

Make a gratitude list. Attend a men's Bible study at church. Ask an older man, mature in the Lord, to mentor you in your walk with the Lord. Focus on your spiritual growth and begin to serve in your church. Stop looking for your wife to meet your needs and start asking the Lord to do that instead. He will do it. He is doing it in my life.

I am not speaking to you to be hard on you. I am sharing with you what I learned from my experiences with BPD and marriage. I hurt my husband and kids, and lost the husband. The kids are in my life, but not without their own issues. They are grown now, but I have a lot of regrets.

Trish

 

[BlessEwe]

I agree 100% with Madison, I am still to this day earning trust back from my addiction usage 3 years back. If I was gone too long on a ship trip we were on, my husband was concerned maybe I relapsed because the triggers were all over the place. I didn't relapse, but that fear of me going back to the way I was is always there in the back of their minds. We were the ones who violated the trust, it is not up to them to change. We change!

 

[brokeninside]

Hello,
I am in a similar situation, with my wife. There was no physical abuse, but there was adultry drug use, porn addiction, lying stealing emotional abuse, pretty much everything but physical abuse. I am recently diagnosed but have been saved for 2 years now. I started this journey when I had the hand of the Lord upon me so hard I couldnt function as a person anymore in my daily life, or should I say lives. I was one person here another there and yet another at work. I was supposed to be saved almost 5 years ago, but I really was just going through the motions being what I thought people wanted me to be. My wife is in a state of standoffishness, and will rarely even tell me she loves me anymore. I have raged on her recently and we almost got a seperation. But she is still here because of her relationship with God and the fact I am seeking and starting to get help and therapy. So I know that what we both need to do is to build trust, show her that you dont need to have the touching in order to be regulated and then she will start to crave it herself. if she thinks you need to have touch and more in order to feel loved by her then she will see this as you using her and she will run the other direction. As with so much it comes in time, not ours but God's. Hang in there and things will get better.

God bless,
Broken

 

[madison1101]

Hello,
I am in a similar situation, with my wife. There was no physical abuse, but there was adultry drug use, porn addiction, lying stealing emotional abuse, pretty much everything but physical abuse. I am recently diagnosed but have been saved for 2 years now. I started this journey when I had the hand of the Lord upon me so hard I couldnt function as a person anymore in my daily life, or should I say lives. I was one person here another there and yet another at work. I was supposed to be saved almost 5 years ago, but I really was just going through the motions being what I thought people wanted me to be. My wife is in a state of standoffishness, and will rarely even tell me she loves me anymore. I have raged on her recently and we almost got a seperation. But she is still here because of her relationship with God and the fact I am seeking and starting to get help and therapy. So I know that what we both need to do is to build trust, show her that you dont need to have the touching in order to be regulated and then she will start to crave it herself. if she thinks you need to have touch and more in order to feel loved by her then she will see this as you using her and she will run the other direction. As with so much it comes in time, not ours but God's. Hang in there and things will get better.

God bless,
Broken

I was exactly where you are many years ago. For your wives, I suggest reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells." I also recommend marital therapy in addition to individual therapy. Make sure that any mental health professional you see is licensed in your state. Ask for a psychiatric consultation, if you do not already see one for medication. Focus on your relationship with the Lord. These are all the things I learned by mistake.

God bless.
Trish

 

[Ave Maria]

I would recommend that you both go to a good church together and that you both go to marital therapy together as well. In the mean time, I will be praying for you and your wife.