No question, just venting. Feel better about your situation

[eatenbylocusts]

This morning my husband gets his son up and immediately I hear complaints from him that he doesn't have any shirts to wear. I heard this same statement last night and I was asked if there was any laundry in the washer or dryer and he was advised that there wasn't. His dad tried to get him to look through his stuff last night and the 14 yr old said, no it's ok and went to bed.
So this morning with 25 min. left before he needs to leave for school, he begins going through clothes while whining and blaming his dad for not letting him do laundry last night and then tries to bag up some shirts for Goodwill that he doesn't like. One of these shirts is 1 I got for him recently. He tells me it is old (because I bought it used). It is a black Vans shirt (he wears Vans shoes) with only the logo on the shirt. He never wore it. He also tries to bag up white t-shirts and any other shirt that isn't the right style. His dad had bought him a black shirt with a print on it, which the kid also refuses to wear.
So, this child who just earned 2 F's, a D, a C and a B has a very strict dress code for himself which involves only wearing shirts from heavy metal bands. I cannot get my head around the thinking of this child. I am just thankful that I did not/do not have these issues with my other kids.

I am thinking that a private school with a uniform requirement would be just what he needs.

 

[brojeff]

A simple phrase that reveals where a great deal of rebellion comes from is, "Rules without Relationship will always lead to Rebellion." As good as rules may be, if the there is no strong relationship there, they will always rebel for there is no genuine respect. Look at our spiritual lives. If we lack a close relationship with the Lord we will rebel against His commands. Rules are necessary to have safe boundaries in our lives. But, if the rules are not founded on a loving relationship we rebel. Seek some good christian counseling and work on the relationship and build respect for one another and see if there is a change. It will take some time. Respect is earned not demanded. Praying for you all. God Bless.

 

[Yoona86]

This morning my husband gets his son up and immediately I hear complaints from him that he doesn't have any shirts to wear. I heard this same statement last night and I was asked if there was any laundry in the washer or dryer and he was advised that there wasn't. His dad tried to get him to look through his stuff last night and the 14 yr old said, no it's ok and went to bed.
So this morning with 25 min. left before he needs to leave for school, he begins going through clothes while whining and blaming his dad for not letting him do laundry last night and then tries to bag up some shirts for Goodwill that he doesn't like. One of these shirts is 1 I got for him recently. He tells me it is old (because I bought it used). It is a black Vans shirt (he wears Vans shoes) with only the logo on the shirt. He never wore it. He also tries to bag up white t-shirts and any other shirt that isn't the right style. His dad had bought him a black shirt with a print on it, which the kid also refuses to wear.
So, this child who just earned 2 F's, a D, a C and a B has a very strict dress code for himself which involves only wearing shirts from heavy metal bands. I cannot get my head around the thinking of this child. I am just thankful that I did not/do not have these issues with my other kids.

I am thinking that a private school with a uniform requirement would be just what he needs.

personally I think you should have bought a copy of Amy Chua book , it teaches the importance of parents taking an active role instilling discipline and encourage their children to strive for something more.

but I suspect it is too late for your SS, he's 14, he is almost formed

But seriously, private school is a good option, but why don't you and your husband sit him down and talk to him about his goals and importance of having one to strive for, and explain to him the consequences of him keeping on his current path?

surely he doesn't want end up make up and hair dressing school does he?

that is problem with kids, even teenagers, they have so little life experiences they just think world is beds of roses, and it is not, and the parents should try to help them understand that.

if all else fails, just tell your SS that he might think it is cool to get Cs Ds and Fs and wearing a heavy metal shirt, but once he reaches 40 and still nothing to show for, then he'll definitely think very differently.....

 

[cottonhoney]

Yoona, is the book called Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother? If it helps teach the underlying motivation for responsibility I'm in!

 

[Inkachu]

I am thinking that a private school with a uniform requirement would be just what he needs.

I'd agree

 

[eatenbylocusts]

A simple phrase that reveals where a great deal of rebellion comes from is, "Rules without Relationship will always lead to Rebellion." As good as rules may be, if the there is no strong relationship there, they will always rebel for there is no genuine respect. Look at our spiritual lives. If we lack a close relationship with the Lord we will rebel against His commands. Rules are necessary to have safe boundaries in our lives. But, if the rules are not founded on a loving relationship we rebel. Seek some good christian counseling and work on the relationship and build respect for one another and see if there is a change. It will take some time. Respect is earned not demanded. Praying for you all. God Bless.

I thank you for the prayers; we still need them. My dh used to have his son a lot to accommodate the mother who was pursuing a higher degree. He accompanied him on many trips from infancy to visit family in another state. Unfortunately whenever she would get wind of my dh being in a relationship she would retaliate by restricting visitation and obtaining restraining orders which were always dismissed, but would still result in about a month with no contact. Same thing when we became engaged. At that point her venom increased and from what comes out of my ss's mouth at times we have a good idea of the poisoning that she did against both of us. And this is from the woman who refused to marry my dh because the ring wasn't big enough. She started a relationship with a married man at work and told my dh after 10 years of "dating" that they needed to see other people. Apparently she wasn't happy that my dh could move on.

I can't say I really agree with the rules without relationship statement though. We are supposed to do what our bosses tell us to do, teachers, etc. There is love between my ss and his dad and affection at times between us when we've had him for about a week and he's usually calmed down. My ss is at war with his mom a lot and it's not unusual for her to call my dh at times to vent and try to get him to intervene. He grew up witnessing physical altercation between his mom and her older son. Numerous 911 calls to the police which the court won't acknowledge. We just found out a neighbor called the police at his mom's house because he was fighting with his now-adult brother who was choking him, but CPS closed that case also. My ss now has 1 D, a C in PE and F's in everything else. Mom wants to send him out of state to a boarding school.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

personally I think you should have bought a copy of Amy Chua book , it teaches the importance of parents taking an active role instilling discipline and encourage their children to strive for something more.

but I suspect it is too late for your SS, he's 14, he is almost formed

But seriously, private school is a good option, but why don't you and your husband sit him down and talk to him about his goals and importance of having one to strive for, and explain to him the consequences of him keeping on his current path?

surely he doesn't want end up make up and hair dressing school does he?

that is problem with kids, even teenagers, they have so little life experiences they just think world is beds of roses, and it is not, and the parents should try to help them understand that.

if all else fails, just tell your SS that he might think it is cool to get Cs Ds and Fs and wearing a heavy metal shirt, but once he reaches 40 and still nothing to show for, then he'll definitely think very differently.....

We've tried the talking. I asked him last week if he had a plan. He said he was going to work real hard this month and turn in the missing assignments. He may get held back. That might be a good thing so he sees consequences.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

So the school didn't hold him back and he's attending summer school, but even if he passes he isn't going to be able to make up all the classes he failed.

The parenting class we're taking at church talks about teens and relationships and how they rebel against relationships (troublesome teens that is). Yes, same as what someone else posted. But, we are still in the same issue of having limited time. It turned out the boarding school was much more expensive than the estimate the counselor gave. It is very sad. I think my dh could win primary custody because of the grades, but I think the stress may be a very bad thing for us.

But, it truly comes down to a sin issue. SS still goes to church with us every other weekend so there is always hope. He seems interested at times.

 

[Yoona86]

So the school didn't hold him back and he's attending summer school, but even if he passes he isn't going to be able to make up all the classes he failed.

The parenting class we're taking at church talks about teens and relationships and how they rebel against relationships (troublesome teens that is). Yes, same as what someone else posted. But, we are still in the same issue of having limited time. It turned out the boarding school was much more expensive than the estimate the counselor gave. It is very sad. I think my dh could win primary custody because of the grades, but I think the stress may be a very bad thing for us.

But, it truly comes down to a sin issue. SS still goes to church with us every other weekend so there is always hope. He seems interested at times.

what does your SS want to do with his life?

seems to me he is on his way to "loserville" and when he gets there, he definitely wont be liking it.

not trying to plug the book " the battle hymn of a tiger mum" again, but situation like this is why I firmly believe Asian parenting is superior.

many westerners seem to think Asian parenting is all about being strict, but it is also about drill into your children being a "loser" is NOT OK.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

what does your SS want to do with his life?

seems to me he is on his way to "loserville" and when he gets there, he definitely wont be liking it.

not trying to plug the book " the battle hymn of a tiger mum" again, but situation like this is why I firmly believe Asian parenting is superior.

many westerners seem to think Asian parenting is all about being strict, but it is also about drill into your children being a "loser" is NOT OK.

My dh has explained that many times to his son. He has sat down with him, asked him what he wanted to do, pointed out how actions can take away opportunities, gave examples from others that he knows, etc., but it hasn't made an effect yet. It looks like he may be going to an alternative school on a separate campus this fall and that may make an impression.

 

[Yoona86]

My dh has explained that many times to his son. He has sat down with him, asked him what he wanted to do, pointed out how actions can take away opportunities, gave examples from others that he knows, etc., but it hasn't made an effect yet. It looks like he may be going to an alternative school on a separate campus this fall and that may make an impression.

when you say examples from others your husband, you mean people your husband knew who took that road and ended up in a very unpleasant place?

if you have done that, then...

personally I'd keep praying for your SS.....

I can tell you and your husband already know what coming his way.....

 

[eatenbylocusts]

It's amazing how circumstances can change. Last school year the relationship between my SS and his dad/me was not good. My dh would drive 13 miles to pick him up after school for his court ordered visitation and SS would not answer phone/ hide from his dad. This happened many times.
At the end of last August my SS called his dad one day after school and asked him to pick him up because he couldn't stand living with his mom anymore. (A lifetime of dysfunctional parenting, mental instability and violence between mom and older half bro) He hasn't been back to his mom's since. We are due back in court later this month to see what the judge says about this since mom will not discuss any changes.
SS was on medication for ADHD and mom found out we took him to our HMO instead of the one she chose after she refused to hand over meds and wouldn't allow him to be treated further. Amazingly, SS is actually doing better this semester WITHOUT meds! He is motivated and has a routine.
We have peace in our house most of the time and SS has developed better coping skills and it's just about a miracle. I praise God and credit all the prayers we have been asking for at church every week with all the progress.