no proposal after 10 years

[NINA84]

Dear brothers and sisters,
next october it will be 10 years that my BF and I are together, we' ve been through a lot of issues together, my parents didn't want me to date him.
I'm 29 and he's 31, we both already earn our livings.
I bought an appartment on my own, and I refuse to move with him untill he proposes. He doesn't have a house here so he stays with me a few days and then goes back to his mother's (900 KM away) for a few months and so on.

I got saved one month ago, and getting married before having children is very important to me, he doesn't feel the same as he's unsaved, but I think he believes in Jesus, but does'nt trust religion.
When I got saved, I organised a party and he met my family for the first time.
My Dad got mad at him and asked me to chase him away from home, because he found him too passive and sticky...
what should I do with this relationship? I 've already prayed so much...

I feel depressed and when I tell him we should tie the knot, now, he gets angry and says it doesn't matter if he proposes in 6 or 12 months.
Although I love him, I want to leave, so I told him but he hung up the phone. Now I'm very cold and try not to talk to him anymore.

I feel mad at him and want to slap his face, I feel like he's ruining the relationship.
If I break up him, I will look for someone else at once because I think I'm getting old, and of course I will lose him forever, I can't wait he comes back.

What do you think?

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Seems like its time to move on. 10 years is a ridiculously long time to note have been proposed to. If you don't mind me asking have you both had premarital sex? Because if so theres the saying of why buy the cow when you can get the milk or free. Often its why men don't want to marry, because t requires commitment and the currently get what they want without commitment.

If you haven't had premarital sex then I am not sure why he is being the way he is. But then again some people just freak out at the idea of marriage. My ex-gf when I would ask about getting engaged, she would freak out.

Being you just got saved maybe its best to find someone who you can grow with as a christian in and through marriage. I'm not saying he won't become saved obviously. But 10 years is alot of wasted time to find out he doesn't want to marry. Your not old btw. I'm 31 and just got married last month. God plans happen when they happen.

Lastly going by your ages, your both at the prime of knowing what you want in life. So if by now he isn't set on marriage, he may never be. My uncle whos not a christian dated a woman for 8 years. After she asked about getting engaged he dumped her and found someone else that gave him the same benefits.

 

[NINA84]

Hi! xfreakazoidx
Yes we already had premarital sex, I only had with him whereas he already had several girlfriends.
He agrees to stop premarital sex but when I talk about marriage, he always defers.
I'm about to leave him as it's making me frustrated. I have no hope.

 

[NINA84]

Is your uncle married to his new girlfriend, now?
Do you think I could give an ultimatum on the phone or should I wait for a month that he comes back and have a talk face to face.

 

[K9_Trainer]

It sounds like it's time to end it.

You both have different beliefs and goals for life, and it looks like they aren't compatible. If neither of you can compromise, then it's time to cut ties.

For being together 10 years, living together part time, and having sex, it makes no sense for him to be so hesitant to get married...You were pretty much already living and behaving as a married couple.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

My uncle is still single and been through many women sadly.

As for how to end it, that depends on how you feel. Some do face to face. Others prefer through a phone call or even facebook messaging. I'd personally call because I wouldn't want the other person getting angry and doing something stupid while I am with them.

 

[Spunkn]

I'd say it's time to move on. He doesn't sound all that secure in His faith, even if He is a believer. You need someone who's going to be able to lead you. Also as the others mentioned, 10 years is a loooong time of dating, I would think by then you'd have come to some conclusion about whether or not you're going to marry the other person.

Just seem to be a few red flags about this guy. Personally I'd probably end it, as painful as that is, until he can prove to you that he's ready for the next step. Dragging it out isn't going to do either of you any good and make the break-up that much more painful if it comes to that.

 

[NINA84]

Thank you for answering, sorry for my english...

I told him he would lose me if he doesnt make a choice. So I said goodbye, he kept calling me but I didn't answer for a few days (thank God I was abroad for business, which helped very much).

Now he says he's made up his mind, he will definitely marry me, but still, he doesn't propose, he wants me to give him some more time to make a proposal of his own.
It drives me crazy, I told him I might refuse when he 's ready because my heart is so broken and I feel so bitter.
I'm turning 30 and I told him I'd rather date someone else, moreover he's not a christian but he keeps telling me he needs time to get saved.
I don't understand why he needs so much time for such an important thing in his life.
Every day I tell him to pick up his things and move on.
But at that moment he would say he loves me more than ever, that I'm worth gold.

He wants to buy me Louboutin's shoes, pearls...he booked 2 trips for next year, but I keep telling him it's useless, I won't go. All I want is an engagement ring. I don't trust him anymore...

Of course I'm stil in love with him but I want a proposal right away or nothing at all.
Am I too demanding? I don't want to sin anymore and I would like to build a family, if I date any christian guy who's smart enough, who proposes, I would say yes at once.
I'm tired.

Should I give him more time? how much time?
He says I'm stressful and I should wait for his "special" proposal. I just feel like I will slap him in the face when he's able to propose.

Even my dad is starting to hate him, and I can understand.

 

[Spunkn]

Thank you for answering, sorry for my english...

I told him he would lose me if he doesnt make a choice. So I said goodbye, he kept calling me but I didn't answer for a few days (thank God I was abroad for business, which helped very much).

Now he says he's made up his mind, he will definitely marry me, but still, he doesn't propose, he wants me to give him some more time to make a proposal of his own.
It drives me crazy, I told him I might refuse when he 's ready because my heart is so broken and I feel so bitter.
I'm turning 30 and I told him I'd rather date someone else, moreover he's not a christian but he keeps telling me he needs time to get saved.
I don't understand why he needs so much time for such an important thing in his life.
Every day I tell him to pick up his things and move on.
But at that moment he would say he loves me more than ever, that I'm worth gold.

He wants to buy me Louboutin's shoes, pearls...he booked 2 trips for next year, but I keep telling him it's useless, I won't go. All I want is an engagement ring. I don't trust him anymore...

Of course I'm stil in love with him but I want a proposal right away or nothing at all.
Am I too demanding? I don't want to sin anymore and I would like to build a family, if I date any christian guy who's smart enough, who proposes, I would say yes at once.
I'm tired.

Should I give him more time? how much time?
He says I'm stressful and I should wait for his "special" proposal. I just feel like I will slap him in the face when he's able to propose.

Even my dad is starting to hate him, and I can understand.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this Nina, especially after 10 years....



But I'm afraid this guy doesn't want to get married. He wants the relationship benefits, without actually having the responsibility that should go along with it. He doesn't want the committment that should be a part of a relationship like this.

Honestly, it sounds like this relationship is dragging you down hard, and that's not a good thing to start a marriage off of. You should be looking forward to marriage, and joyful not "well I guess finally this is going to happen".

You've given him more time than a great many people would give him. 10 years is an exceptionally long time to date someone without going further.

It's time to end this relationship and move on

There are just too many bad signs & red flags about this relationship. It will not end well even if he does propose.

 

[NINA84]

Hi Spunkn!
What red flags in particular?

 

[LinkH]

If you wanted to give him a chance, tell him you aren't planning on dating anyone for X number of months, and you just want to heal up. If he thinks he needs time to get saved, tell him you'll let him sort that out between him and God. Tell him you will meet him for coffee in three months if he wants to, or however long you want to give him. Then you could meet him for coffee. If God is important enough to him, maybe he will have repented by that time.

If it is an issue, make it clear you will never be physically intimate with a man who is not your husband.

Believers are not to be unequally yoked to unbelievers. On the other hand, I can see if you have a lot invest, and you gave up a lot of yourself, in this relationship, why you feel attached. You shouldn't have to chase a guy or give him ultimatums after 10 years.

If he really puts his faith in Christ and really becomes a disciple, independent of your relationship with him, maybe you'd want to be with him. But I think it makes sense to step out of the picture for him and let him find out what he believes apart from his feelings for you. And then you can consider whether he is someone you would want to be with. It would also give him some time to think if he really wants to marry you or if he was just desperate not to lose you.

If there is a young Christian couple waiting for marriage, and they both love each other and are serious about each other, they have a real motivation to marry. Before they can move the level up to that really intimate physical level, they have to get married. And that requires a life-time commitment. And biological drives help fuel the push toward marriage. And marriage is meaningful and makes sense.

But let's say an unbeliever is dating someone and he can be intimate with her without marrying her. A lot of men don't believe in marriage much because they know so many people who got divorced, and they look around and people live together, sometimes even for years raising children together, without being married. Marriage seems like some old fashioned ritual, not relevant to their lives. The relationship doesn't feel all that different than marriage. Why add the ritual? It's a completely different mindset.

If this man becomes a Christian and knows he isn't supposed to have sex outside of marriage and lives that way, then sex and marriage may make more sense to him.

 

[NINA84]

Tank you for your advice.
I feel I can't give him more time. I called him to say i'm leaving.
he said "Oh... Thank you", and he switched off his phone

 

[NINA84]

Of course I have invest a lot, and have always hoped he could grow up, make his own choice and stop promising the moon. Yesterday he told me " I would follow you anywhere" Let's see how sincere he was. I'm glad Jesus is alive, he's already healing my wounds.
Thank you to all of you who helped me, I could truly read the Holy Spirit in your words.
I sincerely love this guy but not more than Jesus, I need more.

 

[Spunkn]

10 years of no commitment

You saying that even if he proposed you'd still want to slap him

Him saying he wants to marry you, but making excuses again

I just get the feeling from your post, that he's not going to committ to anything, that's he's going to continue to string you along just as long as you're in a relationship with him, but it's never going anywhere

you're getting to the point where you're exhausted, and frustrated, and he hasn't made a move to ease your frustration and worry

I dont know about him, but if I was dating a girl for 10 years, I'd want to let them know it was at least going somewhere, or that I had plans to do something

Words are meaningless when they aren't backed up by action, and from what I can tell he's been all words

Those are all red flags

 

[Spunkn]

Tank you for your advice.
I feel I can't give him more time. I called him to say i'm leaving.
he said "Oh... Thank you", and he switched off his phone

That says a lot about his character right there unfortunately

 

[LinkH]

Yesterday he told me " I would follow you anywhere"

Is that even an attractive thing, a man who will follow you around? Wouldn't you like a man who could lead you a little?

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Dear brothers and sisters,
next october it will be 10 years that my BF and I are together, we' ve been through a lot of issues together, my parents didn't want me to date him.
I'm 29 and he's 31, we both already earn our livings.
I bought an appartment on my own, and I refuse to move with him untill he proposes. He doesn't have a house here so he stays with me a few days and then goes back to his mother's (900 KM away) for a few months and so on.

I got saved one month ago, and getting married before having children is very important to me, he doesn't feel the same as he's unsaved, but I think he believes in Jesus, but does'nt trust religion.
When I got saved, I organised a party and he met my family for the first time.
My Dad got mad at him and asked me to chase him away from home, because he found him too passive and sticky...
what should I do with this relationship? I 've already prayed so much...

I feel depressed and when I tell him we should tie the knot, now, he gets angry and says it doesn't matter if he proposes in 6 or 12 months.
Although I love him, I want to leave, so I told him but he hung up the phone. Now I'm very cold and try not to talk to him anymore.

I feel mad at him and want to slap his face, I feel like he's ruining the relationship.
If I break up him, I will look for someone else at once because I think I'm getting old, and of course I will lose him forever, I can't wait he comes back.

What do you think?

Few thoughts come to mind...

a. Hes obviously got commitment-phobia and is more than likely not a suitable Candidate for the stress, rigors, and challenges of lifelong Marriage from what youve indicated.

b. Just because 2 people cohabitate doesnt mean that they automatically become suitable for Marriage.

c. Its important to carefully consider what our Parents see in a B/F , G/F because they know us very well, plus, they are more objectively mature not being in the situation directly.

d. I sense some desperation regarding yourself on wanting to be married and have kids. This is not a good place to be coming from when considering a marriage partner for its too easy to marry the wrong person .

e. Now that you are a devouted , lover of Christ...it is Christ and what he instructs in the Bible that becomes most important . All decisions have to be made in light of Gods loving moral mandates now...and living together with an Unbeliever or Believer not in marriage, is bringing condemnation upon yourself . God cant and wont bless such a situation.

f. The God honoring and Self honoring thing to do next is going to be a painful decision : One of you move out asap and to terminate the relationship so you refrain from being Unequally Yoked per Gods command. You are now a CHild of God while he is not. You can do this but it will require lots of good support from family and friends and church too. So dont try to get thru this on your own.

g. God has a far better plan for your life, and if you decide to honor him, you will be allowing him to work in your life concerning a true Godly Man for the future. If you dont, yuoull miss out on Gods best and plan for your life. So i hope you will hunger for that.

I was once there so i know the difficult situation it is. But, theres nothing like knowing you are right with God and to get his favor and blessings from being obedient to him instead of wanting your own way.

 

[NINA84]

Few thoughts come to mind...

a. Hes obviously got commitment-phobia and is more than likely not a suitable Candidate for the stress, rigors, and challenges of lifelong Marriage from what youve indicated.

b. Just because 2 people cohabitate doesnt mean that they automatically become suitable for Marriage.

c. Its important to carefully consider what our Parents see in a B/F , G/F because they know us very well, plus, they are more objectively mature not being in the situation directly.

d. I sense some desperation regarding yourself on wanting to be married and have kids. This is not a good place to be coming from when considering a marriage partner for its too easy to marry the wrong person .

e. Now that you are a devouted , lover of Christ...it is Christ and what he instructs in the Bible that becomes most important . All decisions have to be made in light of Gods loving moral mandates now...and living together with an Unbeliever or Believer not in marriage, is bringing condemnation upon yourself . God cant and wont bless such a situation.

f. The God honoring and Self honoring thing to do next is going to be a painful decision : One of you move out asap and to terminate the relationship so you refrain from being Unequally Yoked per Gods command. You are now a CHild of God while he is not. You can do this but it will require lots of good support from family and friends and church too. So dont try to get thru this on your own.

g. God has a far better plan for your life, and if you decide to honor him, you will be allowing him to work in your life concerning a true Godly Man for the future. If you dont, yuoull miss out on Gods best and plan for your life. So i hope you will hunger for that.

I was once there so i know the difficult situation it is. But, theres nothing like knowing you are right with God and to get his favor and blessings from being obedient to him instead of wanting your own way.

Thank you for your answer.

C >> My parents are moreless racist, so i cannot pay attention to their opinion. My family met him for my baptism, everyone got on well with him, only my father said he was too "soft", as my BF tried to be polite and show interest in him.

d>> I 've already waited for almost 10 years, so I don't think I would jump at once if he proposed, and he knows that. I keep praying for God's will. But I know he's a really good guy.

e>>We don't cohabitate anymore, and we live 800 km away from each other.
We had another tearing discussion yesterday. I told him that we had different goals and I wanted to do God's Will, and won't force him to follow Jesus.

Whereas he truly believes we can stay together, fix the relationship, both live our own "passions", he agrees that I follow Christ, but he doesn't realize that he forces me not to (by living together, having sex outside marriage, not feeling the same about Christ).


f>> I try and i try all the time to make him understand that we should end this relationship, although we love each other, but he still remains so hooked.
I try not to hurt him of course, and be kind to him but I feel he's like panicked, although we both know he would find another girl easily : he's handsome, has an excellent situation, he's smart, quiet. Yesterday I spent one hour on the phone listening to him and it sounds that he suffers so much, and doesn't want to give up. It just breaks my heart to feel his pain. But I feel so stupid when I tell him I need to please Jesus and don't want to do anything outside marriage, it's like I was talking turkish to him. I don't know what to do.

It's going to be very difficult for me too, as I really love him and don't have any support. Although I was baptized last Easter (march 2013), I don't have anymore news from my priest and other people who accompanied our group. I was in very bad term with my personal spiritual coach, she told the priest I was not ready for baptism which I did not understand at all (I followed the meetings and the mass every week during 18 months before baptism, and was really looking forward to it, I've been fasting, praying during entire nights, etc)

I tried to have an appointment with the priest one month after baptism but he was too busy, i still go to the same church every week, but during summertime I can't see anybody. I don't have any siritual support nor spiritual leader, but I keep praying for that. All I have is my Bible and this forum.

I'm not sad about that, though, as Jesus is my hope and my savior. But after baptism, I was left alone with so many questions. My parents and family aren't really devouted christians. 2 weeks before baptism, my father told me not to go to church too often. As it was a waste of time, and a place full of hypocrites.

So I don't really know how to cope. So I pray. I'm locking in a bubble, only reading the Bible, listening to christian music, and going out only for work or to the Church. Nothing else.
Thank God I have so much to do with my work that it helps me to focus on something else sometimes.

 

[NINA84]

Sometimes I cry with despair. But i know this is from evil, I suppose my faith is being tested by God. I know things will get better.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Thank you for your answer.

C >> My parents are moreless racist, so i cannot pay attention to their opinion. My family met him for my baptism, everyone got on well with him, only my father said he was too "soft", as my BF tried to be polite and show interest in him.

d>> I 've already waited for almost 10 years, so I don't think I would jump at once if he proposed, and he knows that. I keep praying for God's will. But I know he's a really good guy.

e>>We don't cohabitate anymore, and we live 800 km away from each other.
We had another tearing discussion yesterday. I told him that we had different goals and I wanted to do God's Will, and won't force him to follow Jesus.

Whereas he truly believes we can stay together, fix the relationship, both live our own "passions", he agrees that I follow Christ, but he doesn't realize that he forces me not to (by living together, having sex outside marriage, not feeling the same about Christ).


f>> I try and i try all the time to make him understand that we should end this relationship, although we love each other, but he still remains so hooked.
I try not to hurt him of course, and be kind to him but I feel he's like panicked, although we both know he would find another girl easily : he's handsome, has an excellent situation, he's smart, quiet. Yesterday I spent one hour on the phone listening to him and it sounds that he suffers so much, and doesn't want to give up. It just breaks my heart to feel his pain. But I feel so stupid when I tell him I need to please Jesus and don't want to do anything outside marriage, it's like I was talking turkish to him. I don't know what to do.

It's going to be very difficult for me too, as I really love him and don't have any support. Although I was baptized last Easter (march 2013), I don't have anymore news from my priest and other people who accompanied our group. I was in very bad term with my personal spiritual coach, she told the priest I was not ready for baptism which I did not understand at all (I followed the meetings and the mass every week during 18 months before baptism, and was really looking forward to it, I've been fasting, praying during entire nights, etc)

I tried to have an appointment with the priest one month after baptism but he was too busy, i still go to the same church every week, but during summertime I can't see anybody. I don't have any siritual support nor spiritual leader, but I keep praying for that. All I have is my Bible and this forum.

I'm not sad about that, though, as Jesus is my hope and my savior. But after baptism, I was left alone with so many questions. My parents and family aren't really devouted christians. 2 weeks before baptism, my father told me not to go to church too often. As it was a waste of time, and a place full of hypocrites.

So I don't really know how to cope. So I pray. I'm locking in a bubble, only reading the Bible, listening to christian music, and going out only for work or to the Church. Nothing else.
Thank God I have so much to do with my work that it helps me to focus on something else sometimes.

I would list all the personal and biblical things you have learned from the last 10 years with him..and dont repeat the drastic mistakes of violating Gods written instructions on how he wants you to live. I would concentrate on growing spritually putting God first in everything, and take alot of time off from getting into another relationship commitment cause you need time to heal and regroup . We all make mistakes and its vitally important to learn from them.